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'THE CLOCKMAKER-;
THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS
OF 9UCKVILLB.
EcGB IteniB Crliplniu.
IT kuc tlsH the Clsctauko m^ « I'm illw-
IN THREE VOLUMES.
VOL. 11. ''^ '
LONDON:
RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.
1843.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
^5 J
V, '2.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ILLUSTRATIONS
" lam SamSIict/'saygl. . . To facn Title.
ConfesBiODB of a deposed miniater .... 206
Taking off the factory ladies 247
The wroDg room. . 280
332893
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
b, Google
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER r.
The Meeting
CHAPTER II.
The VoluDtary Sfatem
CHAPTER III.
TraiDiog a Carriboo
Nick Bradsbaw
TVavelling id America
Elective Conacila
Slavery
TaUiDg Latin
Hie Sdow Wreatli
Hie Talisman
Italian Paintings.
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER V.
CHAPTER VI.
CHAPTER VII.
CHAPTER Vin.
CHAPTER IX.
CHAPTER X.
CHAPTER XI.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XII.
Shampooing the English
CHAPTER XII.
Putting a Foot in it .
CHAPTER XIV.
Eugiisb Aristocracy and Yankee Mobocracy
CHAPTER XV.
ConfessionB of H Deposed Minister
CHAPTER XVI.
Canadian Politics
CHAPTER XVII.
A Core for Smuggling
CHAPTER XVni.
Takisg off the Factory Ladies
CHAPTER XIX.
The Schoolmaster Abroad
CHAPTER XX.
The Wrong Room
CHAPTER XXI.
Finding a Marc's Nest
CHAPTER XXII.
Keeping up the Steam
CHAPTER XXIII.
The Clockmaker's Parting Adyice
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
COLONEL C. R, FOX.
Dear Sir,
In consequence of the &vourable opinion ex-
pressed by you of the First Series of the Clock-
maker, an Gnglish Publisher was induced to re-
print it in London ; and I am indebted to that cir-
cumstance for an unexpected introduction, not only
to the British Public, but to that of the United
States. The very flattering reception it met with
in both coimtries has given rise to the present vo-
lume, which, as it owes its origin to you, offers a
suitable opportunity of expressing the thanks of
the Author for this and other subsequent acts of
kindness.
As a poUtical work I cannot hope that you will
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
Till DEDICATION.
approve of all the sentiments contained in it, for
politics are pecuUar ; and besides the broad lines
that divide parties, there are smaller shades of dif-
ference that distinguish even those who usually
act together ; but humour is the common property
of all, and a neutral ground on which men of op-
posite sides may cordially meet each other. As
such, it affords me great pleasure to inscribe the
work to you as a mark of the respect and esteem of
THE AUTHOR.
tfevm Seatia,
2UI April. 1838.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE CLOCKMAKER.
CHAPTER I.
THE MEETING.
Whoever has condescended to read the First
Series of the Clockmaker, or the Sayings and
Doings of Mr. Samuel Slick, of SlickviUe, will
recollect that our tour of Nova Scotia terminated
at Windsor last autumn, in consequence of bad
roads and bad weather, and that it was mutually
agreed upon between us to resume it in the follow-
ing spring. But, alas ! spring came not. They
retain in this country the name of that delightful
portion of the year, but it is " Vox et preterea
nihil." The short space that intervenes between
the dissolution of winter and the birth of summer
deserves not the appellation. Vegetation is so
rapid bere,that the valleys are often clothed with
verdure before the snow has wholly disappeared
from the forest.
There is a strong similarity between the native
and bis climate : the one is without youth, and the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
2 THE CLOCKMAKER.
other without spring, and both ezhihit the effects
of losing that preparatory season. Cultivation ia
wanting. Neither the mind nor the soil is pro-
perly prepared. There ia no time. The farmer is
compelled to hurry through all his field operations
as he best can, so as to commit his grain to the
ground in time to insure a crop. Much is una-
voidably omitted that ought to be done, and all is
performed in a careless and slovenly manner. The
same haste is observable in education, and is at-
tended with similar effects ; a hoy is hurried to
school, from school to a profession, and from thence
is sent forth into the world before his mind has
been duly disciphned or properly cultivated.
When I found Mr. Slick at Windsor, I expressed
my regret to him that we could not have met earlier
in the season ; but really, said I, they appear to
have no spring in this country. Well, I don^t
know, said he; 1 never seed it in that light
afore ; I was athinkin' we might stump the whole
univarsal world for climate. It's generally allowed,
our climate in America can't be no better. The
spring may be a little short or so, but then it is
added to fother eend, and makes a'most an ever-
lastin' fine autumn. Where will you ditto our fall?
It whips English weather by a long chalk, none of
your hangin', shootin', drownin', throat^cuttin'
weather, but a clear sky and a good breeze, rale
cheerfulsome.
That, said I, is evading the question ; I was
speaking of the shortness of spring, and not of
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TH£ MEETING. 3
the comparatlTe merit of your autumn, which I
am ready to adoiit is a very charming portion
of the year in America. But there is one fevour
I must beg of you during this tour, and that is, to
avoid the practice you indulged in so much last
year, of exalting everything American by depre-
ciating everything British. This habit is, I assure
you, very objectionable, and has already had a very
perceptible effect on your national character. I
beUeve I am as devoid of what is called national
prejudices as most men, and can make all due
allowances for them in others. I have no objection
to this superlative praise of your country, its insti-
tutions, or its people, provided you do not require
me to join in it, or express it in language disre-
spectful of the English.
Well, well, if that don't beat all, said he ; you
say, you have no prej ndices, and yet you can't bear
to hear teil of our great nation, and our free and
enlightened citizens. Captain Aul, (Hall,) as he
called himself, for 1 never seed an Englishman yet
that spoke good English, said he hadn't one mite
or morsel of prejudice, and yet in all his three
volumes of travels through the tZ-nited States, (the
greatest nation it's ginerally allowed atween the
Poles,) only found two things to praise, the kind-
ness of our folks to him, and the state prisons.
None are so blind, I guess, as them that won't see ;
but your folks can't bear it, thafs a fact. Bear
what ? stud I, The superiority of Americans, he
replied ; it does seem to grig 'em, there's no de-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
4 THE CLOCKMAKER.
nyin' it; it dora somehow or another seem to go
ag'in their grain to admit it most consamedly ;
nothin' u'most ryles them so much as that. But
their sun has set in darkness aad sorrow, never
agun to peer above the horizon. They will be
blotted out of the list of nations. Their glory has
departed across the Atlantic to fix her everlastin*
abode in the l7-nited States. Yes, man to man —
baganut to baganut— ship to ship — by land or by
sea — fair fight, or rough and tumble — we've
whipped 'em, that* s a fact, deny it who can ; and
we'll whip 'em, ag'in to all etamity. We average
more physical, moral, and intellectual force than
any people on the face of the airth ; we are a right-
minded, strong-minded, sound-minded, and high-
minded people, I hope I may be shot if we ain't.
On fresh or on salt water, on the lakes or the ocean,
down comes the red cross and up go the stars.
From Bunker's Hill clean away up to New Or-
Icens the land teems with the glory of our heroes.
Yes, our young republic is a Colossus, with one
foot in the Atlantic and the other in the Pacific, its
head above the everlastin' hills, graspin in its hands
a tri 'A rifle, shooting squirrels, said I; a very
suitable employment for such a tall, overgrown,
long-legged youngster.
Well, well, said he, resuming his ordinary quiet
demeanour, and with that good humour that dis-
tinguished him, put a rifle, if you will, in his hands,
I guess you'll find he's not a bad shotneither. But
I must see to Old Clay, and prepare for our jour-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE MEETING, 5
ney, which is a considerable of a long one, I tell
you — and taking ap his hat, he proceeded to the
stable. Is that fellow mad or drunk? said a stranger
who came from Halifax with me in the coach ; I
never heard such a vapouring fool in my Ufe ; — I
hada strong inclination, if he had not taken himself
off, to show him out of the door. Did you ever
hear such insufferable vanity ? I should have been
excessively sorry, I said, if you had taken any no-
tice of it. He is, 1 assure you, neither mad nor
drunk, but a very shrewd, intelligent fellow. I met
with him accidentally last year while travelling
through the eastern part of the province ; and
although I was at first somewhat annoyed at the
unceremonious manner in which he forced bis ac-
qu^tance upon me, I soon found that his know-
ledge of the province, its people, and government^
might be most useful to me. He has some hu-
mour, much anecdote, and great originality ; — he
is, in short, quite a character. I have employed
him to convey me irom this place to Shelbume,
and from thence along the Atlantic coast to Hali-
fax. Although not exactly the person one would
choose for a travelhng companion, yet if my guide
must also be my companion, I do not know that I
could have made a happier selection. He enables
me to study the Yankee character, of which, in his
particular class, he is a fair sample ; and to become
acquainted with their peculiar habits, manners, and
mode of thinking. He has just now given you a
specimen of their national vanity ; which, after all.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
6 THE CLOCKMAKER.
is, I beliere, not mach greater than that of the
French, though perhaps more loudlj and rather
differently e}cpressed. He is well-informed and
quite at home on all matters connected witit the
machmery of the American government, a subject
of much interest to me. The explanations I receive
from him enable me to compare it with the British
and Colonial constitutioDS, and throw much light
on the speculative projects of our reformers. 1
have sketched him in every attitude and in every
light, and I carefully note down all our conversa-
tions, so that I Batter myself when this tour is
completed, I shall know as much of America and
Americans as some who have even written a book
on the subject.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THB VOLUNTARY SYSTEM.
The day after our arrival at Windsor, being Sua-
day, we were compelled to remain there until the
following Tuesday, so as to have one day at our
command to visit the College, Retreat Farm, and
the other objects of interest in the neighbourhood.
One of the inhabitants having kindly offered me a
seat in his pew, I accompanied him to the church,
which, for the convenience of the College, was
built nearly a mile from the village. From him I
learned, that independently of the direct influence
of the Church of England upon its own members^
who form a very numerous and respectable portion
of the inhabitants of Nova Scotia, its indirect ope-
radon has been bot^ extensive and important in
this colony.
The friends of tlie establishment, having at an
early period founded a college, and patronised edu-
cation, the professions have been filled with scho-
lars and gentlemen, and the natural and very pro-
per emulation of other sects being thus awakened
to the importance of the subject, they have been
stimulated to maintain and endow academies of
their own.
The general difiusion through the country of a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
8 THE CLOCKHAKER.
well-educated body of clergymen, like those of the
establishment, has had a strong tendency to raise
the standard of qualification among those who differ
from them, while the habits, manners, and regular
conduct of so respectable a body of men naturally
and unconsciously modulate and influence those of
their neighbours, who may not, perhaps, attend
their ministrations. It ia, therefore, among other
causes doubtless, owing in a great measure to the
exertions and salutary example of tlie church in the
colonies that a higher tone of moral feeling exists
in the British provinces than in the neighbouring
states, a claim which 1 find very generally put forth
in this country, and though not exactly admitted,
yet certainly not denied even by Mr. Slick himself.
The suggestions of this gentleman induced me to
make some inquiries of the Clockmaker, connected
with the subject of an establishment; 1 therefore
asked him what his opinion was of the Voluntary
System. Well, I don't know, said he ; what is
youm? I am a member, I replied, of the Church
of England ; you may, therefore, easily suppose
what my opinion is. And I am a citizen, said
he, laughing, of Slickrille, Onion county, state
of Connecticut, United States of America : you
may therefore guess what my opinion is too : I
reckon we are even now, ar'n't we ? To tell you
the truth, said he, I never thought much about it.
I've been a considerable of a traveller in my day ;
arovin' about here and there and everywhere;
atradiu' wherever I seed a good chance of making
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 9
s speck ; p^d my shot into the pUt«, whenever
it was handed round in meetin', and axed no
questions. It was about as much as 1 could cle-
verly do, to look arter my own consams, and 1 left
the ministers to look arter theim ; but take 'em in
a gineral way they are pretty well to do in the
world with us, especially as they have the women
on their side. Whoever has the women is sure of '
the men, you may depend, squire ; openly or
secretly, directly or indirectly, they do contrive,
some how or another, to have their own way in the
eend, and tho' the men have the reins, the wo-
men tell 'em which way to drive. Now, if ever
you go for to canvas for votes, always canvas the
wives, and you are sure of the husbands.
I recollect when I was last up to Alabama, to one
of the new cities lately built there, I was awalkin'
one mornin* airly out o' town to get a leetle fresh
air, for the weather was so plaguy sultry 1 could
hardly breathe a'most, and I seed a'most a splendid
location there near the road ; a beautiful white
two-story house with a grand virandah runnin' all
round it, painted green, and green vernitians to the
winders, and a white pallisade fence in front lined
with arowofLombardypoplars,andtworowsof'em
leadin' up to the front door, like two files of sodgers
with fixt baganuts ; each side of the avenu was a
grass plot, and a beautiful image of Adam stood in
the centre of one on 'em, — and of Eve, with a fig-
leaf apron on, in t'other, made of wood by a na/tre
■ b3
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
10 THE CLOCKHAKER.
artist, and painted so nateral no soul could tell 'em
from stone.
The avenu was all planked beautiful, and it was
lined with flowers in pots and jars, and looked a
touch above common, I tell you. While I was
astoppin* to look at it, who should drive by but the
milkman with his cart. Says I, stranger, says I, I
suppose you don't know who Uves here, do you ? I
guess you are a stranger, sud he, ain't you ? WeU,
says I, I don't exactly know as I ain't; but who
lives here ? The Rev. Abab Meldrum, said he, I
reckon. Ahab Meldrum, s^d I to myself; I won-
der if it can be the Ahab Meldrum I was to school
with to Shckville, to minister's, when we was boys.
It can't be possible it's him, for he was fitter for a
state's prisoner than a state's preacher, by a long
chalk. He was a poor stick to make a preacher
on, for minister couldn't beat nothin' into him
a'most, he was so cussed stupid ; but I'll see any
how : 80 I walks right through the gate and raps
away at the door, and a tidy, well-rigged nigger
help opens it, and shows me into a'most an elegant
famished room. 1 was most damted to sit down
on the chairs, they were so splendid, for fear I
should spile 'em. There was mirrors and varses,
and lamps, and picturs, and crinkum crankums,
and notions of all sorts and sizes in it. It looked
like a bazaar a'most, it was filled with such an ever-
lastin' sight of curiosities.
The room was considerable dark too, for the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTAEY SYSTEM. 11
blinds was shot, and I was skear'd to move for fear
tf doin mischief. Presently in conies Ahab, slowly
sailin' in, Uke a boat droppin' down stream in a
calm, with a p^r o' purple slippera on, and a figured
silk dreasin' gound, and carrying a'most a beauti-
Ail'bound book in his hand. May I presume, says
he, to inquire who I have the onexpected pleasure
of seein' this momin' ? If you'U gist throw open
one o' them are shutters, says I, I guess the light
will save us the trouble o' axin names. I know
who you be by your voice, any how, tho' if s con-
siderable softer than it was ten years ago. I'm
Sam Slick, says I, — what's left o'me at least. Ve-
rily, s^d he, friend Samuel, Pm glad to see you :
and how did you leave that excellent man and dis-
tinguished scholar, the Rev. Mr. Hopewell, and my
good Mend your father ? Is the old gentleman
still alive? if so, he must now be npefull of
years as he is full of honors. Your mother, I
think, I heerd was dead — gathered to her fathers
—peace be with her !— she had a good and a kind
heart. I loved her as a child : but the Lord taketh
whom he loveth. Ahab, says I, I have but a
few minutes to stay with you, and if you think
to draw the wool over my eyes, it might, perhaps,
take you a longer time than you are athinkin'
on, or than I have to spare ; — there are some
friends you've forgot to inquire after the' — there's
Polly Bacon and her little boy.
Spare me, Samuel, spare me, my friend, said
he ; open not that wound afresh, I beseech thee.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
12 THE CLOCKHAKER.
Well, says I, none o' your nonsense then j shew
me into a room where I can spit, and feel to home,
and put my feet upon the chairs without adamag^n'
things, and I'll sit an9 smoke and chat with you a
few minutes ; in fact I don't care if I stop and
breakfast with you, for I feel considerable peckish
this momin'. Sam, says he, atakin' hold of my
hand, you was always right up and down, and as
straight as a shingle in your dealins. I can trust
you, I know, but mind — and he put his fingers on
his lips— mum is the word; bye gones are bye
gones, — you wouldn't blow an old chum among his
friends, would you ? I scorn a nasty, dirty, mean
action, says I, as I do a nigger. Come, foller me,
then, says he; — and he led me into a back room,
with an oncarpeted painted floor, famished plain,
and some shelves in it, with books, and pipes and
cigars, pigt^l, and what not. Here's liberty-hall,
said he ; chew or smoke, or spit as you please ; —
do as you like here ; well throw off all resarve
now ; but mind that cussed nigger ; he has a foot
like a cat, and an ear for every keyhole — don't
talk too loud.
Well, Sam, said he, I'm glad to see you too, my
boy ; it puts me in mind of old times. Many's the
lark you and I have had together in Slickville,
when old Hunks — {it made me start that he meant
Mr. Hopewell, and it made me feel kinder dandry
at him, for I wouldn't let any one speak disre-
spectful of him afore me for nothin', I know,) —
when old Hunks tliought we was abed. Them
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TH2 VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 13
was happy days — the days o' light heels and light
hearts. I often think on 'em, and think on 'em
too with pleasure. Well, Ahab, says I, I don't
jist altogether know as I do ; there are some things
we might jist as well a'most have left alone, I
reckon; but what's done is done, that's a iact. A
hem ! said he, so loud, I looked round and I seed
two niggers hringin in the breakfaat, and a grand
one it was, — tea and coffee and Indgian corn and
cakes, and hot bread and cold bread, fish, fowl,
and fiesh, roasted, boiled, and fried; presarres,
pickles, fruits; in short, everythin' a'most you
could think on. You needn't wait, said Ahab, to
the blacks ; I'll ring for you when I want you ;
we'll help ourselves.
Well, when I looked round and seed this critter
alivin' this way, on the fat o' the land, up to his
knees in clover like, it did pose me considerable to
know how he worked it so cleverly, for be was
thought always, as a boy, to be rather more than
half onder-baked, considerable soft-like. So, says
I, Ahab, says I, I calculate you're like the cat we
used to throw out of minister's garrat winder, when
we was aboardin' there to school. How so, Sara ?
said he. Why, says I, jou always seems to come
on your feet some how or another. You have got
a plaguy nice thing of it here ; that's a fact, and no
mistake; (the critter had three thousand dollars a
year ;; how on airtb did you manage it ' . I wish in
my heart I had ataken up the trade o' preachin too ;
when it does hit it does capitally, that's sartain.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
14 THE CLOCKMAKEK.
Why, says he, if youll promise not to let on to
any one about it, I'll tell you. I'll keep dark about
it, you may depend, said I. I'm not a man that
can't keep nothin' in my gizzard, but go right off
and blart out all I hear. I know a thing worth
two o' that 1 guess. Well, says he, it's done by a
new rule I made in grammar — the feminine gender
is more worthy than the neuter, and the neuter
more worthy than the masculine ; Igist soft sawder
the women. It taint every man will let you tickle
him ; and if you do, he'll make faces at you enough
to frighten you into fits ; but tickle his wife, and
it's electrical — he'll laugh like anythin'. They
are the forred wheels, start them, and the hind
ones foller of course. Now it's mostly women
that tend meedn' here ; the men folks hare their
politics and trade to talk over, and what not, and
ain't time ; but the ladies go considerable rigular,
and we have to depend on them, the dear critters.
I gist lay myself out to get the blind side o' them,
and I sugar and gild the pill so as to make it pretty
to look at and easy to swallar. Last Lord's day,
for instance, I preached on the death of the wid-
Jar's son. Well, I drew such a pictur of the lone
watch at the sick bed, the patience, the kindness,
the tenderness of women's hearts, their forgivin'
disposition— (the Lord forgive me for saying so
tho', for if there is a created critter that never for-
gives, it's a woman; they seem to forgive a wound
on their pride, and it skins over and looks all
heal'd up like, but touch 'em on the sore spot
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTKM. 15
a^'n, and see how 'cute their memory is)—
their sweet temper, soothers of grief, dispensers of
joy, ministrin' angels. — I make all the vartues of
the feminine gender always,— then I wound up
with a quotation from Walter Scott. They all
like poetry, do the ladies, and Shakspeare, Scott,
and Byron are amazin' favorites : they go down
much better than them old-fashioned staves o'
Watts.
" Oh womsn, in oar hour of mm,
Uncertaia, »>)-, and hard to please.
And variable aa tlie ihade.
By the light quivering aapen made :
When pHin and anguish vring the hrow,
iriu' angel Ihou."
If I didn't touch it off to the nines ifs a pity. I
never heerd you preach so well, says one, since you
was located here. I drew from natur*, says I, a
squeezin' of her hand. Nor never so touchin*, says
another. You know my meddle, says I, lookin*
spooney on her. I f^rly shed tears, says a third.
How often have you drawn them from me ? says I.
So true, says they, and so nateral, and truth and
natur* is what we call eloquence. I feel quite
proud, says I, and considerably elated, my admired
sisters, — for who can judge so well as the ladies of
the truth of the description of their own vartues ?
I must say 1 felt somehow kinder inadequate to
the task too, I said, — for the depth and strength
and beauty of the female heart passes all under-
standin'.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
16 THE CLOCKHAKER.
When I left 'em, I heerd 'em say, ain't he a
dear man, a feehn man, a sweet critter, a'moat a
splendid preacher; none o' your mere moral
lecterers, but a rael right down genuine gospel
preacher. Next day I received to the tune of one
hundred dollars in cash, and fifty dollars produce,
presents from one and another. The truth is, if a
minister wants to be popular he should remdn
single, for then the galls all have a chance for him ;
but the moment he marries he's up a tree ; his
flint is fixed then : you may depend it's gone goose
with him arter that ; that's a fact. No, Sam ; they
are the pillars of the temple, the dear little critters.
— And I'll give you a wrinkle for your horn per-
haps you ain't got yet, and it may be some use
to you when you go down atradin' with the be-
nighted colonists in the outlandish British pro-
vinces. The road to the head lies through the
heart. Pocket, you mean, instead of headj I guess,
said I ; and if you don't travel that road full chisel
it's a pity. Well, says I, Ahab, when I go to
Slickville I'll gist tell Mr. Hopewell what a most
aprecious,superfine,superior dam 'd rascal youhave
turned out ; if you unt No. 1 , letter A, I want to
know who is, that's all. You do beat all, Sam, said
he ; it's the system that's vicious, and not the
preacher. If I didn't give 'em the soft sawder they
would neither pay me nor hear me ; that's a fact.
Are you so soft in the horn now, Sam, as to sup-
pose the galls would take the trouble to come to
hear me tell 'em of their corrupt natur' and fallen
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 17
condition; and first thank me, and then pay me
for it ? Very entertainiii' that to tell 'em the worms
will fatten on their pretty little rosy cheeks, and
that their sweet plump flesh is nothin* but grass,
flourishin' to-day, and to be cut down withered and
rotten to-morrow, ain't it ? It ain't in the natur" o'
things : if I put them out o' concait o' themselves,
I can put them in concait o' me: or they that will
come down handsome, and do the thing ginteel >
it's jist onpossible. It warn't me made the system,
but the system made me. Tlte vobtntary dor^t
work well.
System or no system, said I, Ahab, you are
Ahab still, and Ahab you'll be to the eend' o' the
chapter. Ton may deceive the women by soft
sawder, and yourself by talkin* about systems, but
you won't walk into meso easy, I know. 1 tain't pretty
at all. Now, said I, Ahab, I told you I wouldn't
blow you, nor will I. I will neither speak o' things
past, nor things present. I know you would'n't,
Sam, said he; you was always a good feller. But
it's on one condition, says I, and that is, that you
allow Fully Bacon a hundred dollars a year — she
was a good gall and a dacent gall when you first
know'd her, and she's in great distress now in
Slickville, T tell you. That's onfcur, that's onkind,
Sam, said he; that's not the clean thing ; 1 can't
afford it ; if s a breach o' confidence this, but you
got me on the hip, and I can't help myself; — say
fifty dollars, and I will. Done, said I, and mind
you're up to the notch, for I'm in airnest — there's
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
18 THE CLOCKMAKEE.
no mistake. Dependuponme, Raid he. And, Sam,
SEud he, ashakin' hands along with me at parting;', —
ezcase me, my good feller, but I hope I may never
have the pleasure to see your face ag'in. Ditto,
says I ; but mind the fifty dollars a year, or you
will see me to a sartainty — good b'ye.
How different this cussed critter was from poor,
dear, good, old Joshua Hopewell ! I seed him not
long arter. On my return to Connecticut, jist as
I was apassin' outo' Molasses into Onion County,
who should I meet but minister amounted upon his
horse, old Captain Jack. Jack was a racker, and
in his day about as good a beast as ever hoisted
tail, {you know what a racker is, don't you, squire?
siud the clockmaker ; they brings up the two feet
on one side first, together like, and then t'other
two at once, the same way ; and they do get over
the ground at a'most an amaziu' size, that's sar-
tain,) but poor old critter, he looked pretty
streak'd. You could count his ribs as far as you
could see him, and his skin was drawn so tight
over him, every blow of minister's cane on him
sounded like a drum, he was so holler. A candle
poked into him lighted would have shown through
him hke a lantern. He carried his head down
to his knees, and the hide seem'd so scant a pat-
tern, he showed his teeth like a cross dog, and it
started his eyes, and made 'em look all outside like
a weasel's. He actilly did look as if he couldn't
help it. Minister had two bags roll'd up and tied
on behind him hke a portmanter, and was ajoggin*
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 19
on alookin' down on his horse, and the horse alook-
ing down on the road, as if he was seekin' a soft
spot to tumble down upon.
It was curious to see Captiun Jack too, when he
heerd Old Clay acomin' along full split behind
him : he cock'd up his head and tail, and prick'd
up bis ears, and look'd comer ways out of his eye,
as much as to say, if you are for a lick of a quarter
of a mile I don't feel much up to it, but I'll try
you any way ; — so here's at you. He did try to do
pretty, that*s sartain, as if he was ashamed of lookin'
so like Old Scratch, jist as a fellar does up the
shirt collar and combs his hair with his fingers,
afore he goes into the room among the galls.
The poor skilliton of a beast was ginger to the
backbone, you may depend — all clear grit ; what
there was of him was whalebone ; that's a fact.
But minister had no rally about Mm ; he was
proper cbop-fellen, and looked as dismal as if he
had lost every friend that he had on airth. Why,
minister, says I, what onder the sun is the matter
of you ? You and Captain Jack look as if you had
had the cholera : what makes you so dismal, and
your horse so thin f whaf s out o' joint now ?
Nothin' has gone wrong, I hope, since I left. No-
thin' has gone right with me, Sam, of late, said he ;
I've been sorely tried with affliction, and my spirit
is fairly humbled. I've been more insulted this
day, my son, than I ever was afore in all my bom
days. Minister, says I, I've gist one favour to ax
o' you ; give me the sinner's name, and afore day-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
30 THE CLOCKMAKER.
break to-morrow mornin' I'll bring him to a reok'-
nin'and see how the balance stands. I'll kick him
from here to Washin'ton, and from Washin'ton
back to Slickrille, and then I'll cow-skin him, till
this ridin' whip is worn up to shoe-strings, and
pitch him clean out o' the State, The infamal
villain ! tell me who he is, and if he war as big as
all out-doors, I'd walk into him. I'll teach him the
road to good manners, if he can save eyesight to
see it,— hang me if I don't. I'd like no better fun,
I vow. So gist show me the man that darst insult
you, and if he does so ag'in, I'll give you leave to
tell me of it. Thank you, Sam, says he ; thank
you, my boy, but it's beyond your help. It ain't
a parsonal affront of that natur', but a spiritual
afiront. It ain't an affront offered to me as Joshua
Hopewell, so much as an afiront to the minister of
Slickville. That is worse still, s^d I, because you
can't resent it yourself. Leave him to me, and I'll
fix his fiint for him.
It's a long story, Sam, and one to raise grief,
but not anger; — you mustn't talk or think of
fightin', it's not becomin' a Christian man : but
here's my poor habitation ; put up your horse and
come in, and we'll talk this affair over by and by.
Come in and see me, — for, sick as I am, both in
body and mind, it will do me good. You was
always a kind-hearted boy, Sam, and I'm glad to
see the heart in the right place yet ; — come in, my
son. Well, when we got into the house, and sot
down, — says I, minister, what the dickens was
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 21
them two great rolls o* canvass for, I seed snugg'd
up and tied to your crupper ? You look'd like a
man who had taken his grist to mill, and was re-
tumin' with the bags for another ; what onder the
sun had you in them ? I'll tell you, Sam, said he,—
you know, said he, when you was to home, we had
a state tax for the support o* the church, and
every man had to pay his share to some church or
another. I mind, says I, quite well. Well, said
he, the inimy of souls has been to work among
us, and instigated folks to think this was too com-
pulsory for a free people, and smelt too strong of
establishments, and the legislatur repealed the
law ; so now, instead o' havin' a rigilar legal sti-
pend, we have what they call the voluntary, — every
man pays what he likes, when he likes, and to
whom he likes, or if it don't convene him he pays
nothin' ; — do you apprehend me ? As clear as a
boot-jack, says I, nothin' could be plainer, and I
suppose that some o' your factory people that make
canvas has ^ven you a present of two rolls of it
to make bags to hold your pay in f My breeches-
pockets, says he, Sam, ashakin' o' his head, I esti-
mate, are big enough for that. No, Sam, some
subscribe and some don't. Some say, we'll give,
but we'll not bind ourselves ; — and some say, we'll
see about it. Well, I'm e'en a'most starved, and
Captain Jack looks as poor as Job's turkey; that's
a fact. So I thought, as times was hard, I'd take
the bags and get some oats for him, from some of
my subscribin' congregation : — it would save them
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
22 THE CLOCKMAKER.
the cash, and suit me jist as Trell as the blunt.
Wherever 1 went, I might have filled my bags with
excuses, but I got no oats !— but that wani't the
worst of it neither, they tum'd the tables on me and
took me to task. A new thing that for me, I guess,
in my old age, to stand up to be catekised like a
convarted Heathen. Why don't you, says one, jine
the Temperance Society, minister } Because, says
I, there's no warrant for it in Scriptur'.as I see. A
Christian obligation to sobriety is, in my mind,
afore an engagement on honor. Can't think, says
he, of payin' to a minister that countenances drunk-
enness. Says another, — minister, do you smoke ?
Yes, says 1, 1 do sometimes : and I don't care if I
take a pipe along with you now ; — it seems soci-
able like. Well, says he, it's an abuse o' the crit-
ter,— a waste o' valuable time, and an encourage-
ment of slavery : I don't pay to upholders of the
slave system ; I go the whole figur' for abolition.
One found me too Calvinistic, and another too
Armenian ; one objected to my praying for the
President, — for, he said, he was an everlastin'
almighty rascal ; — another to my weaiin' a gownd,
for it was too Popish. In short, I git nothin* but
objections to a'most every thing I do or say, and I
see considerable plain my income is gone; 1 may
work for nothin' and find thread now, if I choose.
The only one that paid me, cheated me. Says he,
minister, I've been alookin' for you for some time
past, to pay my contribution, and I laid by twenty
dollars for you. Thank you, said I, &iend, but
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 23
that is more than your share : ten doUars, I think,
is the amount of your subscription. Well, says he,
I know that, but I like to do things handsum, and
he who gives to a minister lends to the Lord ;-r
but, says he, I'm afeer'd it won't turn out so much
now, for the Bank has fail'd since. It's a pityyou
hadn't acallM afore, but you must take the will for
the deed. And he handed me a roll of the Bubble
Bank paper, that ain't worth a cent. Are you sure,
said I, that you put this aside for me when it was
good ? O sartain, says he, I'll take my oath of it.
There's no 'casion for that, says I, my friend, nor
for me to take more than my due neither : — here
are ten of them back again. I hope you may not
lose them altogether, as I fear I shall. But he
cheated me, — I know he did.
This is the blessin of the voluntary, as far as I'm
consamed. Now I'll tell you how if s agoin' for to
work uponthemjnotthrough my agency tho',for I'd
die first, — afore I'd doawrong thing to gain thewhole
unirarsal world. But what are you adoin' of, Sam,
said he, a'crackin' of that whip so f says he, you'U
e'en a'most deefen me. A tryin' of the spring of it,
says I. The night afore I go down to Nova Scotia,
I'll teach 'em Connecticut quickstep — I'll lam 'em
to make somersets — I'll make'em cut more capers
than the caravan monkey ever could to savehissoul
alive, I know. I'll quilt 'em, as true as my name is
Sam Slick ; and if they follera me down east, I'U
lambaste them back a plaguy sight quicker than
they came ; the nasty, dirty, mean, sneaking vil-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
24 THE CLOCKHAKER.
lains. m play them a voluntary — I'll fa la sol
them to a jig tune, and show 'em how to count
baker's dozen. Crack, crack, crack, that's the
music, minister ; crack, crack, crack, I'll set al
Slickville ayelpin' !
I'm in trouble enough, Sam, says he, without
addin' that are to it ; don't quite break my hear^
for such canyins on would near about kill me.
Let the poor deludid critters he, promise me now.
Well, well, says I,if yousay 8o,it shallbeso;— but
I must say, I long to be at 'em. But how is the
voluntary agoin' for to operate on them ? Emitic,
diuretic, or purgative, eh ? I hope it will be all
three, and turn them inside out, the ungrateful
scoundrils, and yet not be gist strong enough to
turn them back t^in. Sam, you're an altered man,
says he. It appears to me the whole world is
changed. Don't talk so onchristian : we must
forget and forgive. They will be the greatest
sufferers themselves, poor critters; bavin' destroyed
the independence of their minister, their minister
will pander to their vanity. He will be afeer'd to
tell them unpalatable truths. Instead of tellin' 'em
they are miserable sinnera in need of repentance,
he will tell 'em they are a great nation and a great
people, will quote history more than the Bible, and
give 'em orations not sarmons, encomiums and not
censures. Presents, Sam, will bribe indulgences.
The minister mil be a dum dog ! It sarves 'em
right, says I ; I don't care what becomes of them.
I hope they will be dum dogs, for dum dogs bite.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM. 25
and if they drive you mad — as I believe from
my soul they will, — I hope you'll bite every one
But, says I, minister, talkin' of presents, I've got
one for you that's somethin' like the thing, I know ;
and I took out my poeket-book and gave him a
hundred dollars. I hope I may be shot if I didn't,
I felt 30 sorry for him.
Who's this from ? said he, smihn*. From Ala-
bama, said I ; but the giver told me not to mention
his name. Well, said he, I'd arather he'd asent me
a pound of good Varginy pig-tail, because I could
have thank'd him for that, and not felt too much
obligation. Presents of money injure both the
giver and receiver, and destroy the equilibrmm qf
friendship, and diminish independence and self-
respect : but if 8 all right; it will enable me to send
neighbour Dearbourn's two sons to school. It will
do good. Cute Uttle fellers them, Sam, and will
make considerable smart men, if they are properly
seed too ; but the old gentleman, their father is, like
myself, nearly used up, and plaguy poor. Thinks
I, if thaf s your sort, old gentleman, I wish I had
my hundred dollars in my pocket-book ag'in, as
snug as abuginarug, and neighbour Dearbourn's
two sons might go and whistle for their schoolin.
Who the plague cares whether they have anylaroin'
or not? I'm sure I don't. It's the first of the
voluntary system I'm sure, and I guess, it will be
the last.
Yes, yes, s^ire, the voluntary don't work well.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
26 THE CLDCKMAKER.
— that's a fact. Ahab hat lost kU soul to save
hi* body, mmiater has lost his body to save his
soul, and I've lost my hundred dollars slap to
save my feelins. The deuce take the voluntary,
I say.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER III.
TSAININQ A CABBIBOO.
In the evening we sauntered out on the bank of the
river, Mr. Slick taking his rifle with him to shooC
blue- winged duck, that often float up the Avon with
the tide in great numbers. He made several shots
with remarkable accuracy, but having no dogs we
lost all the birds, but two, in the eddies of this
rapid river. It was a delightful evening, and on
our return we ascended the cliff that overlooks the
village and the surrounding country, and sat down,
on the projecting point of limestone rock, to enjoy
the glories of the sunset.
This evenin', said Mr. Slick, reminds me of one
I spent the same way at Toronto, in Upper Canada,
and of a conversation I had with a British traveller
there. There was only himself and me at the inn,
and bavin' nothin' above partickilar to do, says I,
'spose Tve take the rifle and walk down by the lake
this splendid afternoon ; who knows but we might
see somethin' or another to shoot ? So off we set,
and it was so cool and pleasant we stroll'd a consi-
derable distance up the beach, which is like this,
all Umestone gravel, only cleaner and less sediment
in it.
When we got tired of the glare of the water, and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
28 THK CLOCKHAKP.R.
a nasty yallor scum that was on it at that season, we
turned up a road that led into the woods. Why,
says I, if there ain't a Carriboo, as Pm alive.
Where ? said he, seisin* the rifle, and bringin' it to
his shoulder with great eagerness, — where is it ? for
heaven sake let me have a shot at it ! I have long
wish'd, said he, to have it to say, before I leave the
province, that I have performed that feat of kiUin*
a Carriboo. Ob, Lord ! said I, throwin' up the
point of the gun to prevent an accident. Oh, Lord 1
it dn't one o' them are sorts o' critters at all ; it's a
human Carriboo. It's a member, him that's in that
are gig lookin' as wise as a barber's block with a
new wig on it. The Toronto folks call 'em Carri-
boos, 'cause they are ontamed wild critters from the
woods, and come down in droves to the legialatur'.
I guess he's a goin' to spend the night to the hotel,
where we be ; if he is. Ill bring him into our room
and train him ; you'll see what sort o' folks makes
laws sometimes. I do believe, arter all, says I, this
univarsal suffrage will make univarsal fools of us
all; — it ain't one'manina thousand knows how to
choose a horse, mi}ch less a member, and yet there
are some standin' rules about the horse, that most
any one can lam, if he'll give his mind to it. There's
the mark o* mouth, — then there's the limbs, shape,
mark, and soundness of 'em; the eye, the shoulder,
and, above all, the action. It seems all plain enough,
and yet it takes a considerable 'cute man to make a
horse-jockey, and a little grain of the rogue too ;
for there is no mistake about the matter — you must
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAINING A CARRIBOO. 29
lie a few to put'em off well. Now, that's only the
lowest grade of knowledge. It takes more skill
yet to be a nigger-jockey. A nigger-jockey, said he;
for heaven's sake, what is that ? I never heerd the
term afore, since I was a created sinner — I hope
I may be shot if I did. Possible ! said I, nev^
heerd tellofani^er-jockey ! Mysakes, you must
come to the States then ; — we'll put more wrinkles
on your horns in a month there than you'll get in
twenty years here, for these critters don't know no-
thin'. A nigger-jockey, sir, says I, is a gentleman
that trades in niggers, — buys them in one state, and
sells them in another, where they arn't known. It's
a beautiful science, is ni^er flesh ; it's what the
lawyers call a liberal profession. Uncle Enoch
made enough in one years' tradin' in niggers to
buy a splendid plantation ; but it ain't every one
that's up to it. A man must have his eye-teeth
cut afore betakes up that trade, or he is apt to be
let in for it himself, instead of puttin' a leake into
others ; that's a fact. Niggers dont show their age
like white folk, and they are most always older than
they look. A little rest, ilein' the joints, good feed,
a clean shirt, a false tooth or two, and dyin' the woo
black if it's got gray, keepin' 'em close shav'd, and
gist ^vin' 'em a glass of whisky or two afore the
sale to brighten up the eye, has put off many an
old ni^er of •fifty-five for forty. It does more
than trimmin' and groomin' a horse by a long
chalk. Then if a man knows geography, he fixes
on a spot in next state for meetin' ag'in, slips a few
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
30 TH£ CLOCKMAKEE.
dollars in Sambo's hand, and Sambo slips the hal-
ter off in the manger, meets massa there, and is
sold a second time ag*!!!. Wash the dye out, lettbe
beard grow and remove the tooth, and the devil
himself couldn't swear to him ag'in.
»If it takes to much knowle^e to choose a
horse, or choose a mgger, what must it take to
choose a member ? — Who knows he won't give the
people the slip as Sambo does the first master ; ay,
and look as different too, as a nigger does, when
the dye rubs out, and his black wo«) looks white
ag'in. Ah, squire, there are tricks in all trades, I
do believe, except the clock trade. The nigger
business, says I, is apt to get a man into court,
too, BS much as the horse trade, if he don't know
the quirks of the law. I shall never forget a joke
I passed off once on a Southerner. I had been down
to Charleston South Carr, where brother Siah is
located as a lawyer,and drives a considerable busi-
ness in that line. Well, one day as 1 was awalkin'
along out o'town, asmokin' of my cigar, who should
1 meet but a poor old nigger, with a'most an al-
mighty heavy load of pine-wood on his hack, as
much as he could cleverly stagger onder. Why,
Sambo, said I, whose slave be you? You've got a
considerable of a heavy load there for a man of your
years. Oh, massa, says he, Gor Ormighty bless
you, (and he laid down his load, and puttin* one
hand on his loins, and fother on his thigh, he tried
to straighten himself up.) I free man now, I no
longer slave do more. I purchased my freedom
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAINING A CARRIBOO. 31
from Gineral Croclcodile, Mm that keep%public at
Mud Creek. Oh, massa, but him gineral took me
in terrible, by gosh 1 Says he, Pompey, says he,
you one weny good nigger, werry &itliful ni^er.
I great opinion, of you, Pompey ; I make a man of
you, you dam old tar brush. I hope I may be skin-
ned alive with wild cats if I don't. How much
money you save. Pomp? Hnnder dollars, says I.
Well, says he, I will sell you your ^eedom for that
are little sum. Oh, massa gineral, I said, I believe
I Ub and die wid you ; — what old man like me do
now ? I too old for freeman. O no, massa, leab
poor old Pomp to die among de niggers. I tend
young massa Gineral, and little missey Gineral, and
teach 'em how to cow-skin de black villains. Oh,
you smart man yet, he says, — guile tound, werry
smart man, you airn a great deal o' money ; — I too
great regard for you to keep you slave any longer.
Well, he persuade me at last, and I buy freedom,
and now I starve. I hab no one to take care of me
now } I old and good for nothin' — I wish old Pomp
very much dead ; — and he boohood right out like a
child. Then he sold you to yourself, did he ? said
I. Yes, massa, said he, and here de paper and de
bill ob sale. And he told yon you sound man yet}
True, maasa, ebbery word. Then, says I, come
along with me, and I toated him along into Siah's
office. Sy, says I, here's a job for you. Gineral
Crockodile sold this poor old ni^er to himself, and
warrint«d him toimd wind and hmb. He cheated
him like a cantin* hypocritical sinner as he is, for
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
32 THE CI.OCKMAKER.
he's foundered in his right foot, and ringboned on
the left. Sue him on hia warrinty — there's some
ftin in't. — Fun, said Sy, I tell yoo, it's a capital
joke ; and he jump'd up and danced round his
office a snappin' of his fingers, as if he wor hit by a
galley-nipper. How it will conflustrigrate old Sim
Illeter, the judge, won't it ? I'll bambousle him, I'll
befbgify his brain for him with warranties general,
special, and imphed, texts, notes, and comentries.
I'll lead him a dance through civil law and common
law, and statute law ; I'll read old Latin, old
French, and old English to him ; I'll make his head
turn like a milt-stone ; I'll make him stare like an
owl, atryin' to read by daylight, and he larfed ready
to kill himself. Sure enough he did bother him
80, agoin' up from one court to another, that Croc-
kodile was glad to compound the matter to get
clear of the joke, and paid old Pomp his hundred
dollars back again ; that's a fact.
In the course of the eTenin'Mr.Buck,themember
elect for the township of Flats in the Home district,
came in, and 1 introduced him with much ceremony
to the Britisher, agivin' of him a wink at the same
time, as much as to say, now I'll show you the way
to train a Carriboo. Well, Squire Buck, said I,
I vow I'm glad to see you j — how did you leave
Mrs. Buck and all to home ? — all well, I hope ?
Reasonable well, I give you thanks, sir, said he.
And so they've elected you a member, eh ? Well,
they wanted some honest men among 'em — that's a
fact, and some onderstandiu' men too ; how do you
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TBAININQ A CARRIBOO, 33
go, Tory or Radical ? Oh, pop'lar side of course,
sud Mr. Buck, M'Kenzie and Papukeau have
opea'd my eyes, I tell you ; I had no notion afore
our gorernmeat vas so rotten^l'm for elective
councils, short parliaments, ballot, universal suf-
frage, and ag'in all officials. Right, siud I, you
are on the right aide then, and no mistake. Tou've
a plain path afore you ; go straight ahead, and
there's no fear, I should Uke to do so, said he,
but I don't onderstand these matters enough, I'm
afeer'd to probe 'em to the bottom ; perliaps youll
he so good as to advise me a little. I should like
to talk over these things with you, as they say you
■are a considerable of. an onderstandin' man, and
have seed a good deal of the world. Well, said I,
nothin' would happify me more, I do assure you.
Be independant, that's the great thing ; be inde-
pendant, that is, attack everything. First of all,
there's the Church; th&fs a grand target, fire
away at that till you are tired. Raise a pre-
judice t^ you can, and then make everything a
Church question. But I'm a churchman myself,
Mr. Slick; you wouldn't have me attack my own
church, would you ) So much the better, said I ;
it looks liberal ; — true }^erality, as far as my ex-
perience goes, lies t» praisin' every other church,
and ahusin' of your own ; it's only bigots that at-
tack other folks' doctrine and tenets ; no strong-
minded, straight- a-head, right up-and-down man
does that. It shows a narrer mind and narrer
heart that. But what fault is there with the
c 3
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
34 THE CLOCKMAKER.
church? said he : they mind thar ownbuainess, as
far as I see, and let other folks alone; they have
no privilege here that I know on, that other sects
ha'en't got. If s pop'lar talk among some folks,
and that's enough, said I. They are rich, and their
clergy are lamed and genteel, and there's a good
many envious people in the world : — there's radi-
cals in religion as well as in politics, that would
like to see 'em all brought to a level. And then
there's church lands: talk about dividin' them
among other sects, givin' them to schools, and so
on. There's no harm in robbing Peter if you pay
Paul with it— a fair exchange is no robbery, all the
world over; then wind up with a Church tithe sale^
and a military massacre of a poor dissentin' old
woman thatwas baganuted by bloody-minded sodg-
ers while tryin' to save her pig. It will make an
aSectin' speech, draw tears from the gallery, and
thunders of applause from the House.
Then there's judges, another grand mark ; and
councillors and rich men ; call 'em the little big
men of a little colony, the would-be-aristocracy —
the oiEcial gang — the fevor'd few ; call them by
their christian and surnames ; John Den and
Richard Fen ; turn up your nose at 'em like a
horse's tail, that* s doabte-nick'd. Salaries are a
never-ending theme for you j officials should'nt be
paid at all; the honor is enough for 'em ; a patriot
sarves his country for nothin. Take some big sa-
lary for a text, and treat it this way ; says you,
there's John Doe's salsry.it is seven hundred and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
TItAlKING A CARRIBOO. 35
thirty poands a year, that is two pounds a day.
Now, says you, that ia sixteen common labourers'
pay at two and sixpence each per day ;^shall it be
said that one great mammoth offidal is worth six-
teen free citizens who toil harder and fare worse
than he does ? then, take his iacome for ten years
and multiply it. See, says you, in ten years he has
received the enormous sum of seven thousand five
hundred pounf}s ; then run over all the things
seven thousand five hundred pounds would effecton
roads, bridges, schools, and so on, and charge him
withhavia' been the means of robbin' the country of
all these blessins: call'em blood-suckers, pampered
minions, bloated leeches. Then there's the college,
says you ; it's for the aristocracy, to keep up distinc-
tions, to rivit our fetters, to make the rich richer,
and the strong stronger ; talk of native genius and
self-taught artists, of natur's scholars, of homespun
talent; it flatters the multitude this — it's pop'lar,
you may depend. Call the troops mercenaries,
vile hirelings, degraded slaves ; turn up your eyes
to the ceiiin' and invoke defeat and slaughter on
'em ; if they dare enforce the law, talk of stand-
ing armies, of slavery, of legionary tyrants, — call
them forigners,vulturs thirsting for blood, — butch-
ers, — every man killed in a row, or a mob, call a
victim, a murdered man, — that's your sort, my
darlin' — go the whole hog, and do the thing gen-
teel. Anything that gives power to the masses
will please tlte masses. If there. was nothin' to
attack, there would be no champions ; if there is no
^, Google
36 THE CLOCKMAKER.
grievance yoa must make one : call all changes re-
form, whether it makes it better or not, — anything
you want to alter, call an abuse. All that oppose
you,callanti-reformers,upholders of abuses, bigots,
sycophants, office-seeking Tories. Say they hve
hy corruption, by oppressin' the people, and that's
the reason they oppose all change. How streaked
they'll look, won't they ? It will make them
scratch their heads and stare, I know. If there's
any man you don't like, use your privilege and
abuse him like old Scratch, — lash him like a nig-
ger, cut him up beautiful — oh, it's a grand privilege
that ! Do this, and you'll be the speaker of the
House, the first pot-hook on the crane, the truckle-
head and cap-sheave — you will, I snore. Well, it
does open a wide field, don't it, said Mr. Buck, for
aa ambitious man? I tow,J believe I'll take your
advice ; I like the idea amaranly. Lord, I wish I
could talk like you, — you do trip it off so glib — I'll
take your advice tho' — I will, I vow. Well, then
Mr. Buck, if you will really take my advice, I'll
give it you, said I, free-gratis for nothin'. Be Ao-
Tieat, be consistent, be temperate ; be rather the
advocate of inler?ial improvement than poliitcal
change ; of rational reform, but not organic al-
terations. Neilher jlatter the mob, norfiatter the
government ; support what is right, oppose what
is wrong ; what you think, speak ; try to satisfy
yourself, and not others ; and if you are notpopu~
Iar,you will at least be respected! popularity
lasts but a day, respect icill descend as a heritage
to your children.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CHAPTER IV.
NICK BBADHBAW.
Wk left Grasperaux early in the morning, intend-
ing to breakfast at Kentrille. The ur was cool
and bracing, and the san, which had just risen,
shed a lustre over the scenery of this beautiful and
fertile valley, vhich gave it a fresh and glow-
ing appearance. A splendid country this, squire,
said the Clockmaker ; that's a fact ; the Lord
never made the beat of it. I wouldn't ax no
better location in the &rmin' line than any of these
allotments ; grand grazin' grounds and superfine
tillage lands. A man that know'd what he was
about might live like a fightin' cock here, and no
great scratchin' for it neither. Do you see that
are house on that risin' hammock to the right
there ? Well, gist look at it, that* s what I call
about right. Fknked on both sides by an orchard
of best-grafted fruit, a tidy little clever flower-gar-
den in iront, that the galls see to, and a'most a
grand sarce garden over the road there sheltered
by them are willows. At the back side see them
everlastin' big bams : and> by gosh I there goes
the dairy cows ; a pretty sight too, that fourteen of
them marchin' Indgiea file after milking down to
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
38 THE CLOCKHAKER.
that are medder. Whenever you see a place all
snuged up and looldn' like tbat are, depend on it
the folks are of the right kind. Them flowers too,
and that are honeysuckle, and rose-bushes show the
family are brought up right; sunthin' to do to
home, instead of racin' about to quiltin' parties,
buskin frolicks, gossipin', talkin', scandal, and neg-
lectin' their business. Tbem little matters are like
throwin' up straws, they show which way the wind
is. When galls attend to them are things, it shows
they are what our minister used to call '* right-
minded." It keeps them busy, and when folks are
busy, they ha'n't time to get into mischief; and it
amuses them too, and it keeps the dearlittlecritters
healthy and cheerful. I beheve I'll allight and
breakfast there, if you*ve no objection. I should
like you to see tbat citizen's improvements, and
he's a plaguy nice man too, and will be proud to
see you, you may depend.
We accordingly drove up to the door, where we
were met by Squire James Horton, a respectable,
intelligent, cbeerful-looking man, apparently of
about fifty years of age. He received me with all the
ease and warmth o*" a man to whom hospitality was
habitual and agreeable, — thanked Mr. Slick for
bringing me to see bim, and observed that he was
a plain fermer, and lived without any pretensions
to be other than he was, and that he always felt
pleased and gratified to see any stranger who would
do him the favour to call upon bim, and would ac-
commodate himself to the plun fare of a plain
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK BRADSHAW. 39
countryman. He said, he lived out of the world,
and the conversation of strangers was often instruc-
Uve, and always acceptable to him. He then oon-
ducted us into the house, and introduced us to bis
wife and daughters, two very handsome and ex-
tremely interesting girls, who had just returned
from superintending the operations of the dairy. I
was particuli^ly struck with the extreme neatness
and propriety of their attire, plain and suitable to
their morning occupations, but scrupulously nice
in its appearance.
As the clock struck seven, (a wooden clock, to
which Mr. Slick looked with evident satisfaction as
a proof of his previous acquaintance,) the family
were summoned, and Mr.Horton addressed a short
but very appropriate prayer to the Throne of Grace,
rendering the tribute of a grateful heart for the
numerous blessings with which hewas surrounded,
and supplicating a continuance of divine favour.
There was something touching in the simpUcity
and fervour of his manner and in the unpretending
style of his devotion, while there was a total ab-
sence of that famihar tone of address so common
in America, which, often bordering on profanity,
shocks and disgusts those who have been accus-
tomed to the more decorous and respectful lan-
guage of our beautiful liturgy.
Breakfast was soon announced, and we sat down
to an excellent and substantial repast, everything
abundant and good of its kind, and the whole pre-
pared with a neatness that bespoke a well-regu-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
40 THE CLOCKHAKER.
lated and orderly family. We were then condacted
round the farm, and admired the method, regula-
rity and good order of the establishment I guess
this might compare with any of your English farms,
said the Clockmaker ; it looks pretty considerable
slick this — don't it f We have great advantages in
this country, said Mr. Horton ; our soil is naturally
good, and we have such an abundance of salt sludge
on the banks of the rivers, that we are enabled to
put our uplands in the highest state of cultivation.
Industry and economy can accomplish anything
here. We have not only good markets, but we en-
joy an almost total exemption from taxation. We
have a mild and paternal government, our laws are
well and impartially administered, and we enjoy as
much personal freedom as is consistent with the
peace and good order of society. God grant that
it may long continue so ! and that we may render
, ourselves worthy of these blessings, by yielding the
homage of grateful hearts to the Great Author and
Giver of all good things. A bell ringing at the
house at this time, reminded us that we were pro-
bably ioterfering with some of his arrangements,
and we took leave of our kind host, and proceeded
on our journey, strongly impressed with those feel-
ings which a scene of domestic happiness and rural
felicity like this never fails to inspire.
We had not driven more tlian two or three
miles before Mr. Slick suddenly checked bis horse,
and pointing to a ham on the right hand side of the
road, said, Now there is a contrast for you, with a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK BEIADSHAW. 41
vengeance. That critter, said he, when he huilt
that wrack of a house, (they call 'em a half-house
here.) intended to add as much more to it some of
these days, and accordingly put his chimbley out-
side, to sarve the new part as well as the old. He
has been too lazy, you see, to remove the bank-
in' put there, the first fall, to keep the frost out
o* the cellar, and it has rotted the sills off, and the
house has fell away from the cbimbley, and he has
had to prop it up with that great stick of timber, to
keep it from comin' down on its knees altt^ther.
All the winders are boarded up but one, and that
has all the glass broke out. Look at the bam ! —
the roof has fell in in the middle, and the two
gables stand stari n' each other in the face, and as if
they would like to come closer together if they
could, and consult what was best to be done. Them
old geese and vetren fowls, that are so poor the
foxes won't steal 'em for fear o' hurtin' their teeth,
— that little yaller, lantern -jaw'd, long-legg'd, ^b-
bit-eared runt of a pig, that's so weak it can't carl
its tail up, — that old frame of a cow, astandin'
there with his eyes shot-to, acontemplatin' of its
latter eend, — and that varmint-lookin' horse, with
his hocks swelled bigger than his belly, that looks
as if he had come to her funeral, — is all his stock,
I guess. The goney has showed his sense in one
thing, however, he has burnt all his fence up ; for
there is no danger of other folks' cattle breakin'
into his field to starve, and gives his Old Mooley a
chance o' sneaking' into his nwghbours' fields o'
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
42 THE CLOCKHAKER.
nights if she find an fipen gate, or a pair of bars
down, to get a treat of clover now and then. O
dear, if you was to get ap airly of a momin*, afore
the dew was off the ground, and mow that are
field with a razor, and rake it with a fine tooth
comb, you wouldn't get stuff enough to keep one
grasshopper through the winter, if you was to be
hanged for it. 'Spose we drive up to the door to
light a cigar; if Nick Bradshaw is to home, I
should hke to have a little chat with him. It's
worth knowin' how he can farm with so little
labour ; for anything that saves labour in this coun-
try, where help is so plaguy dear, is worth larnin',
you may depend.
Observing us pause and point towards his do-
main, Nicholas lifted off the door and laid it on its
side, and emerging from his den of dirt and smoke,
stood awhile reconnoitring us. He was a tall, well-
built^ athletic- looking man, possessed of great per-
sonal strength and surprising activity, but looked
like a good-natured, careless fellow, who loved
talking and smoking better than work, and pre-
ferred the pleasures of the tap-room to the labours
of the field. He thinks we want his vote, said the
Clockmaker. He's looking as big as all out-doors
gist now, and is waitin* for ua to come to Aim. He
wouldn't condescend to call the king his cousin gist
at this present time. It's independant day with
him, I calculate ; happy-lookin' critter, too, ain't
he, with that are little, short black pipe in his
mouth ? The fact is, aquire, the moment a man
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK BRADSHAW. 43
takes to a pipe he becomes a philosifer : — if a the
poor man's friend ; it calms the mind, soothes the
temper, and makes b man patient onder trouble.
It has made more good men, good husbands, kind
masters, indulgent fathers, and honest fellers, than
any other blessed thing in this univarsal world.
The Indgians always buried a pipe and a skin of
tobacco with their folks, in case smokin' should be
the fashion in the next world, that they mightn't go
onprovided. Gist look at him : his hat has got no
crown in it, and the rim hangs loose a one side,
like the bale of a bucket. His trousers and jacket
are all flyin' in tatters of different colour'd patches.
He has one old shoe on one foot, and an ontanned
iDocasin on t'other. He ain't had his beard cut
since last sheep-shearin', and he looks as shaggy
as a yearbn' colt. And yet you see the critter has
a rakish look too. That are old hat is cocked on
one side quit« knowin', he has both hands in his
trousers'-pockets, as if he had somethin' worth feel-
in' there, while one eye shot-to on account of the
smoke, and the other standin' out of the way of it
as far as it can, makes hint look like a bit of a wag.
A man that didn't smoke couldn't do that now,
squire. You may talk about fortitude, and patience,
. and Christian resignation, and all that are sort of
thing, till you're tired; I've seen it and heard tell
of it too, but I never knew an instance yet where it
didn't come a little grwn-heavy or sour out of the
oven. Philosify is bke most other guests I've
seed, it likes to visit them as keeps good tables, and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
44 THE CLOCKUAKER.
though it has some poor acquuntances^ it ain't
more nor half pleased to be seen walkin' lock and
lock with 'em. But smokin' Here he comes,
tho*, I swan; he knows Old Clay, I reckon : he sees
it ain't the candidate chap.
This discovery dispelled the important airs of
Nicholas, and taking the pipe out of his mouth, he
retreated a pace or two, and took a running leap of
ten or twelve feet across a stagnant pool of green
water that graced his lawn, and served the double
purpose of rearing goslings and breeding mos-
chetoes, and by repeating these feats of agility on
the grass several times, (as if to keep himself in
practice,) was by the side of the waggon in a few
minutes.
'Momin', Mr. Bmdshaw, stud the Clockmaker ;
how's all to home to-day? Reasonable well, I
give you thanks :— won't you alight ) Thank you,
I ^st stopt to Ught a cigar. — I'll bring you a bit o'
fire, s^d Nick, in the twinklin' of an eye ; and
bounding off to the house ^cith similar gigantic
strides, he was out of sight in a moment. Happy,
good-natured citizen that, you see, squire, said
Mr. Slick, he hain't been fool enough to stiffen
himself by hard work neither ; for you see he
is as supple as an eel. The critter can jump like
a catamount, and run like a deer ; he'd catch a fox
a'most, that chap.
Presently out bounded Nick in the same ante-
lope style, waving over his head a lighted brand of
three or four feet long. Here it is, said he, but
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
HICK BRADSHAW. 45
you must be quick, for this soft green wood won't
hold in fire no time — it goes right out. Ifa like
my old house there, and thafs so rotten it won't
hold a nail now ; after you drive one in, you can
pull it out with your fingers. How are you off for
tobacco ? said Mr. Slick. Grand, said he, got half
a fig left; yet. Get it for you in a minit, and the
old lady's pipe too, and without waitin' for a re-
ply, was curvetting again off to the bouse. That
gony, said the Clockmaker, is like a gun that goes
off" at half cock — there's no doin' nothin' with him.
I didn't want his hackey,! only wanted an excuse
to give him some ; but it's a strange thing, that,
squire, but it's as sure as rates, the poor are every
where more liberal, more obligin' and more hos-
pitable, accordia' to their means, than the rich
are -■ they beat them all hollar, — it's a fact, I assure
you.
When he returned, Mr. Slick told him that he
was so spry, he was out of hearing before he could
stop him ; that he didn't require any himself, but
was going to offer him a fig of first chop genuine
stuff he had. Thank you, s^d he, as he took it, and
put it to his nose ; — it was the right flavour that—
rather weak for me, tho'. I'm thinking it'll gist
suit the old lady. She smokes a good deal now for
the cramp in her leg. She's troubled with the
cramp sometimes, away down somewhere about
the calf, and smokin', they say, is good for it.
He then took the tobacoo very scientifically be-
tween the forefinger and thumb of his left hand,
and cut it into small shreds that fell mto the palm.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
4$ THE CLOCKMAKER.
Then holding both knife and fig between hia teeth,
he rolled, untwisted and pulverised the cut tobacco
by rubbing and grinding it between his two hands,
and refilled and lighted his pipe, and pronoundng
the tobacco a prime article, looked the very pic-
ture of happiness. How's crops in a gineral way
this year ? said Mr. Slick. Weil, they are just
about mi ddlin', said he; the seasons ha'n't been very
good lately, and somehow the land don't bear as
it used to when I was a boy ; but I'm in great
hopes times are goin' to be better now. They
say things look brighter; / feel a good deal
encouraged myself. They tell me the gover-
nor's agoin' to appoint a new council; I guess,
they'll do sun'thin' for the country. Ah, said the
Clockmaker, that indeed, that would be sun'thin'
like, — it would make things quite brisk ag'in —
farmers could afford to live then. It would raise
markets considerable. So I see in the papers,
sud Nick : the fact o' the matter is the assem-
bly men must do sun'thin' for the country, or
it will go to the dogs, that's sartaiii. They tell
me too that the council doors are to be opened,
so that we can hear the debates : — that will be a
great privilege, won't it? Very, said the Clock-
maker, it will help the farmer amaz'inly that ; I
should count that a great matter; they must be
worth hearin' them counsellors. It's quite a treat
to hear the members in the house, particularly
when they talk about bankin', currency, constitu-
tion, bounties, and such tough knotty things ;—
they go so deep into these matters, and know so
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK BRADSHAW. 4?
much about 'em, it's quite ediiyin'. I've lamt more
new things, and more things I niver knew afore in
half an hour in the assembly, than ever I heerd
afore in my life, and I expect t'other house will be
quite as wise. Well, I'm glad to hear you say bo,
said Nicholas ; / feel aomehow qmte ejicouraged
myaeff ; if we had a bounty of about a shilling a
bushel for raisin' potatoes, two and sixpence a
bushel for wheat, and fifteen pence for oats, I think
a body might have a chance to make out to scratch
along to live here ; and I'm told when the council
doors are opened, we shall actually get them. I
must say, / Jeel guile encouraged mygelf. But
stop, said he, laying his hand on Mr. Slick, do you
see that are varmint alooktn' arter the old lady's .
chickins over there by the bam ? I had a crack
at him yesterday, but he was too far off — wait a
bit ! and he scampered off to the house, brought
out his gun, which had been previously loaded,
and throwing himself on all fours, proceeded to-
wards the bam as rapidly as a quadruped. Stop,
stop, daddy, said a little half naked imp of a boy,
stop till I get my cock-shy. Well, bear a hand
then, said he, or he'll be off: I won't wait a minit.
The boy darted into the house, and returned in
an instant with a short, round, hard-wood club in
his hand, and throwing himself in the same posture,
thrust his head under the skirts of his father's coat,
and crawled after him, between his legs, the two
appearing like one long monstrous reptile. The
hawk, observing this unusual motion, rose higher
^, Google
48 THE CLOCKMAKKR.
in the air, as he slowly sailed round the building ;
but Nicholas, not liking to be balked of his shot,
fired at a venture, and fortunately broke hia wing.
Stop, daddy, said the boy, recovering his feet, stop,
daddy, if s my turn, now ; and following the bird,
that fled with inconceivable rapidity, like an ostrich,
half running, half flying, threw his cock-aky at him
with unerring aim, and killedhim. Ain't be awhop-
per daddy ? said he. See ! and he stretched out his
wings to their foil extent — he's a sneezer, ain't
he ? I'll show him to mammy, I guess, and off
he ran to the house to exhibit his prize. Make
a smart man that, said Nick, regarding bis boy
as he carried off the bird, with looks of enrire
satisfaction; make a considerable of a smart man
that, if the assembly men would only give us a
chance ; but IJ'eel quite encouraged now. I think
we shall have a good brood of chickens this year,
now that thievin' rascal has got his flint fixt ; and
if them three r^ments come to Halifax that's
talked of this winter, poultry will fetch a'most a
grand price, that's sartain. It appears . to me
there's a hawk, or a wild cat, or a fox, or a lawyer,
or a constable, or a somethin' or another for ever-
lastin'ly a botherin' of a poor man ; but I feel quite
encouraged now.
I never seed that critter yet, said the Clock-
maker, that he didn't say he felt " quite encourag-
ed ;" he's always lookin' for the Assembly to do
great things for him, and every year feels "quite
encouraged" that they will do sun 'thin' nt the next
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK BRASSHAW. 49
session that will make his fortin. I wonder if
folks wiii ever lam that poUticks are the seed meti'
tioned in Scriptur^ that fell by the road-aide, and
the fowls came and picked them up. They dot^t
benefit the farmer, but they feed tkem hungry
birds, — the party leaders.
The bane of this countrjr, squire, and indeed of
all America, is bavin' too much land ; they run
over more ground than they can cultivate, and
crop the land so severely that they run it out. A
very large portion of land in America has been run
out by repeated grain crops, and when you add
that to land naterally too poor to bear grain, or
too broken for cultivation, you will find this great
country in a fair way to be ruined.
The State of Varmont has nothin' like the ex-
ports it used to have, and a plaguy sight of the
young folks come down to Boston to hire out as
helps. The two Carohnas and Varginy are covered
with places that have been given up aa ruined, and
many other States. We hav'n't the surplus of
wheat and groin we used to have in the (7-nited
States, and it never will be so plenty again. That's
the reason you hear of folks clearin' land, makin'
a farm, and sellin' off again and goin' ^ther into
the bush. They've exhausted it, and find it easier
to clear new lands than to restore the old.
A great deal of Nora Scotia is run out, and if it
wam't for the lime, marsh-mud, sea-weed, salt-
sand, and what not, they've got here in such quan-
tities, there'd be no cure for it. It takes good
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
50 THE CLOCKUAKER.
farmin' to keep an upland location in order, I tell
you, and make it sustain itself. It takes more to
fetch a farm too that's had the gizzard taken out of
it, than it's worth. It actilly frightens me, when 1
think your agriculture in Britain is progressin', and
the land better tilled every day, while thousands
upon thousands of acres with us, are turned into
barrens. No traveller as I' ve seed has noticed this,
and our folks are not aware of it themselves to the
extent of the evil. Squire, you and I won't live to
see it; but if this awful robbin' of posterity goes on
for another century as it has progressed for the last
hundred years, we'll be a nation of paupers. Very
little land in America, even of the best, will carry
more than one crop of wheat'arter it's clear'd afore
it wants manure; and where ifs clear'd so iast,
Where's the manure to come from ? — it puzzles me
(and I won't turn my back on any man in the
farmin' line}— the Lord knows, for I don't; but
if there's a thing that scares me, ifs this.
Hullo ! hollo! — said a voice behind us, and when
we turned to look from whence it came, we saw
Nicholas running and leaping over the fences of his
neighbours hke a greyhound. Stop a minit, said
he, I want to speak to you. I feel quite encouraged
since I seen you; there's one question I forgot to
ask you, Mr. Slick, for I should like amazin'ly to
have your opinion. Who do you go for ? I go for
the Squire, said he : I'm agoin' for to go round the
sea-coast with him. I don't mean that at all, said
he ; — who do you go for in the election ? There's
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK 8RADSHAW. 51
to Ik a poll a Moixlay to Kentville ; and Aylesford
and Gasperauz are np ; who do yon go for? I don't
go for either of them ; I wouldn't give a chaw of
tobakey for both on 'em ; what is it to me who
goes ? Well, I don't suppose it is, but it's a great
matter to ua : who woiUd you advise me to vote
for ? Who is agoin' for to do the most good for
you? Aylesford. Who promises the most? Ayles-
ford, Vote for f other one then, for I never seed
or heerd tell of a feller yet, that was very ready
with his promises, that wam't qmte as ready to
break them when it suited his purpose : and if
Aylesford comes ahotberin' of you, call out little
Nick with his " cock-shy," and let him take a shot
at him. Any critter that finds out^ all the world
are rogues, and tells of the great things he's agoin'
for to do, ginerally overlooks the biggest rogue of
all, and that's himself. Oh! Giasperaux for ever!
he's the man for your money, and no mistake.
Well, said Nicholas, I beheve you're half right.
Aylesford did promise a shiUin' a bushel bounty
on potatoes tho', but I believe he lied after all.
I'll take your advice, — I feel quite encouraged
now. If you'd like a coal to light your cigar by,
said he, I'll step in here and get you one. Thank
you, said Mr. Slick ; I have no occasion for one
jist now. Well, I believe I'll drop in and light a
pipe there myself then, anyhow. Good-bye — /
feel quite encouraged now.
Oh dear ! s^d the Clockmaker, what a good-
natered, good-for-nothin' simple toad that is. I
D 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
52 THE CLOCKMAKER.
suppose when the sheriff takes the vote of such
critters, he flatters himself he takes the sense of
the county. What a difference atween him and
Horton 1 The one is a lazy, idle critter, wanderin'
about talkin' politics, or snarin' rahhits, catchin'
eels, or shootin' hawks, and neglectin' his work,
and a pretty kettle of fish he's made of it. The
other, a careful, steady goin', industrious man,
that leaves politics to them as like dabblin' in
troubled waters, and attends steadily to his bu-
siness, and he's a credit to his country.
Yes, too much land is the ruin of us all this side
o' the water. Afore I went to England I used to
think that the unequal divisions of property there,
and the system of landlord and tenant, was a cuss
to the country, and that there was more dignity and
freedom to the individual, and more benefit to the
nation, for every man to own the land he cultivated,
as with us. But I've changed my mind; I see it's
the cause of the high state of cultivation in Eng-
land, and the prosperity of its agricultur. If the
great men had the land in their own bands there,
every now and then an improvident one would skin
the soil, and run it out : bein' let to others he can't
do it himself, and he takes plaguy good care by his
lease his tenant sha'n't do it neither. Well then,
there he is, with his capital to make great im-
provements, substantia] repdrs, and so on, and
things are pushed up to perfection.
In Nova Scotia there are hundreds and thousands
that would be better off as tenants, if they would
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
NICK BRADSHAW. 53
but only think so. When a chap spends all his
money in buying lands, and mortgages them to pay
the rest of the price, he ain't able to stock his &rm,
and work it properly ; and he labours like a nigger
all his life, and dies poor at last, while the land gets
run out in his hands, and ia no good for ever after.
Now if he was to hire the &rm, the money that he
pud for the purchase would stock it complete, ena-
ble him to hire labour, — to wait for markets, — to
buy up cattle cheap, and to sell them to advantage.
He'd make money handover hand, while he'd throw
the cost of all repairs and improvements on the
owner. But you might talk till you were grey-
headed, and you wouldn't persuade folks of that in
this country. The glorious privilege of having a
vote, to give to some goney of a member, carries
the day. Well may they call it a dear privilege
that, for it keeps them poor to their dyin' day. No,
squire, your system of landlord and tenant is the
best for the farmer, and the best for the nation.
There never can be a high state of general cultiva-
tioR without it. Agricultur wants the labour of
the farmer and the money of the capitalist — both
must go hand in hand. When it is left to the
farmer alone, it must dwindle for want of means,
— and the country must dwindle too. A nation,
even if it is as big as our great one, if it has no
general system of landlord and tenant adopted in
it, must mn out. We are ondergoin' that process
now. I'm most plaguy afeerd we shall run out ;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
54 THE CLOCKMAKER.
that* s a fact. A country is but a lai^ estate at
best ; and if it is badly till'd and hard cropped, it .
must, in the eend, present the melancholy spec-
tade of a great exhausted farm. That's quite en-
couragit^ now, as Nick Bradshaw says, — un't it ?
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIc
CHAPTER V.
TBATBLbINO IN AUBRtCA.
Did you erer drink any Thamea water, squire ? said
the Clockmaker ; because it is one of the greatest
nateral curiositieB in the world. When I returned
from Poland, in the hair spekelation, I sailed from
London, and we had Thames water on board. Says
I to the captain, says I, I guess you want to pyson
us, don't you, with that are nasty, dirty, horrid
stuff? how can you think o' takin' such water as
that ? Why, says he, Mr. Slick, it does make the
best water in the warld — that's a fact; yes, and the
best porter too; — it farments, works off the scum,
clarifies itself, and beats all natur^ ; — and yet look
at all them are sewers and drains, and dye-stuffs,
and factory-wash, and onmentionables that are
poured into it : — it beats the bugs, don't it? Well,
squire, our great country is like that are Thames
water, — ^it does receive the outporins of the world,
— homieides and regiddes,^ — jail birds and galley-
birds, — poor-house chaps and workhouse chaps,—
rebels, infidels, and forgers, — rogues of all sorts,
sizes, and degrees,^but it farments, you see, and
works clear; and what a' most a beautifol clear
stream o' democracy it does make, don't it ? Not
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
56 THE CLOCKMAKER.
hot enough for fog, nor cold enough for ice, nor
limey enough to fur ap the hylers, nor too hard to
wash clean, nor raw enough to chop the skin,— -
hut jist the thing ; that's a fact. I wish to gracious
youM come and see for yourself. I'd go with you
and cost you nothin'. I'd take a prospectus of a new
work and get subscribers ; take a pattern book of
the Lowell factories for orders ; and spikilate a
little by the way, so as to clear my shot wherever
we went.
Tou must see for yourself, — you can't lam nothin'
irom books. I've read all the travels in America,
and there ain't one thaf s worth a cent. They don't
understand us. They remind me of a lawyer
examinin' of a witness ; he don't want either the
truth, the whole truth, or nothin' but the truth, hut
he wants to pick out of him jist so much as will
prove his case, d'ye see, and would like him to keep
dark about the rest; puts artfiil questions to him
on purpose to get an answer to suit him; stops him
when he talks too fast, leads him when he goes too
8low,praisea his own witnesses sky'high,and abuses
the other side for lyin', equivocatin', paijured vil-
liuns. That's jist the case with English travellers ;
instead of lookin' all round and seein' into things
first, and then comin' to an opinion, they make up
tiieir minds afore they come, and then look for facts
to support their views. First comes a great high
tory, and a republic smells so bad in his nostrils,
he's got his nose curl'd up like a pug-nose dog
all thro' his journey. He sees no established
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVELUNG IK AMERICA. 5?
church, and he swears there's no religion.; and he
sees no livery helps, and he says it's all vulgar ; and
if he sees a citizen spit, be jumps a one side a«
scared as if it were a riSe agoin' off. Then comes
a radical (and them English radicals are cantan-
kerous-lookin' critters — thafs a fact), — as sour as
vinegar, and lookin' as cross and as hungry as a
bear jist starved out in the spring, and they say we
have the slavery of opinion here ; that our preach-
ers want moral courage, and that our great cities
are cursed with the aristocracy of wealth. There is
no pleasin' either on 'em. Then come what mi-
nister used to call the Optimists, a set of folks who
talk you deef about the perfectibility of human
natur' ; that men, like caterpillars, will all turn into
beautiful critters n-ith wings like butterilies, — a
sort of grub angels; — that our great nation is a
paradise, and our folks jist agettin' out o' the
chrysolis state into somethin' divine.
I seldom or never talk tonone o' them, unless it be
to bam 'em. They think they know everything, and
all they got to do is, to up Hudson hke a shot, into
the lakes full split, off to Mississippi and down to
New Orleens full chisel, back to New York and up
Killock, and home in a liner, and write a book.
They have a whole stock of notes. Spittin'— goug-
in' — lynchin'— buruin alive — steam-boats blow-
ed up — snags — slavery— stealin' — Texas — state
prisons — men talk slow — women talk loud — both
walk fest— chat in steam-boats and stage-coaches
— anecdotes — and so on. Then out comes a book,
d3
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
58 THE CLOCKUAKER.
If it's a tory writes it, then the toiy papers, say it's
the best pictur* they have seen ; — lively, intereslin',
intelligent. If a radical, then radical papers say
if a a very philosophical work, (whenever a fellow
gets over his head in it^ and crael unintelligible,
he's deep in philosophy, that chap), statesman-like
view, able work, throws great light on the pohtics
of the day. I wouldn't give a chaw of tobackey for
the hooks of all of 'em tied up and put into a
meal-bag together.
Our folks sarve 'em as the Indgians used to
sarve the gulls down to Squantum in old pilgrim
times. The cunnin' critters used to make a sort o'
fish flakes, and catch herrin' and torn cods, and
such sort o' fish, and put 'em on the flakes and
then crawl onder themselves, and as soon as the
gulls hgbted to eat the fish, cateh hold o' their legs
and pull 'em thro'. Arter that, whenever a feller
was made a fool on and took in, they used to say
he was gulled. Well, if our folks don't gull them
British travellers, it's a pity. They do make pro-
per fools on 'em ; that's a fact.
Year afore last, I met an English gall atravellin'
in a steam-boat ; she had a French name that I
can't recollect, tho' I got it on the tip o' my tongue
too ; you know who I mean — she wrote books on
economy, — not dontestic economy, as galls ought,
but on |>olitical economy, as galls oughtn't, for
they don't know nothin' about it. She had a trum-
pet in her hand, — thinks I, who on airth is she
agoin' to hml, or is she agoin' to try echoes on the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVKLUNO IN AMERICA. 59
river } I watched her some time, and I found it
wtis an ear-trumpet.
Well, well, says I, that's onlike most Elnglish
travellers any way, for ia a gineral way they wear
m&gnifyin' glasses, and do enlarge things so, a body
don't know 'em ag'in when he sees 'era. Now, this
gall won't hear one-half that's said, and will get
that half wrong, and so it turned out. Says ahe to
me. Beautiful country this, Mr. Slick ; saya she,
I 'm transported. Transported, said I, why, what
onder the sun did you do to home to get trans-
ported ? — but she larfed right out like any thing ;
delighted, I mean, said she, it's so beautiful. It
is splendid, said I, no doubt ; there ain't the beat
of it to be found anywhere. Oh ! said she, what
views, what scenery, what woods, what a river 1
how I should like to soar away up with that are
eagle into the blue sky, and see all its beauties
spread out afore me hke a map ! How grand^
everything is on a grand scale ! Have you seen
the Kentuckians ? sud I. Not yet, said she. Stop
then, said I, till you see ihem. They ta-e on a scale
that will please you, I guess ; whopping big fel-
lows them, I tell you ; half horse, half alligator,
with a touch of the airthquake. I wasn't atalkin'
of the men, said she, 'tis the beauties of natur" I
was admirin'. Well, said I, once on a time 1
used to admire the beauties ofnatnr' too, but I
got cured of that. Sit down on this bench, said
she, and tell me how it was ; — these kind o' anec-
dotes serve to illustrate the " moral of feeUn'."
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
eO THE CLOCKHAKER.
Thinks I, this is philosophy now, " moral of
feelin" !" Well, if tie moschetoes don't illustrate
your moral of feelin* for you, some of these nights.
I'm mistaken. Very immoral fellers those 'skeeters.
Well, said I, my first tower in the clock-trade
was up Canada way, and I was the first ever went
up Huron with clocks. When I reached our fort
at Gratiot, who did I find there as commander of
the party, but the son of an old American hero, a
sai^eant at Bunker's Hill. Well, bein' the son of
an old veteran hero myself, it made quite a fellow-
ship atween us, like. He bought a clock o' me,
and invited me to stay with him till a vessel arrived
for Michigan. Well, in the afternoon, we went for
to take tea with a jintleman that had settled near
the fort, and things were sot out in an arbor, sur-
rounded with honeysuckle, and Isabella grape, and
what not ; there was a view of the fort from it, and
that elegant lake and endless forest ; it was lovely
— thafs a fact ; and the birds flocked round the
place, lighted on it, and sung so sweet, — I thought
it was the most romantic thing I ever seed since I
was a created sinner. So said I to his wife, (a
German lady from one of the emigrant ships), I
prefer, said I, yoor band of birds to the Bowery
band of New York, by a long chalk; it's natur'a
music, it's most delightful, it's splendid '. Furder
oft^ sMd she, I like 'em more better hash nearer ;
for the nasty, dirty tivils they dirt in the tay and
de shuker ; look there, said she, that's de tird cup
now spilte. Lord, it make me sick ! I neverhad
any romance in me arter that.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVELLING IN AMERICA, 61
Here the English gall turned round and looked
at me for a space quite hard. Said she. You are
a humorous people, Mr. Slick ; you resemble the
Irish very much, — you remind me greatly of that
lively, light-hearted, agreeable people. Thank
you, said I, marm, for that compliment j we are
ginemlly thought to resemble each other very
much, both in looks and dress ; there's often great
mistakes made when they first land, from the
likeness.
Arter a considerable of a pause, she said. This
must be a religious country, said she, ain't it ; for
religion is " the highest fact in man's right, and the
root of all democracy." If religion is the root of
democracy, said I, it bears some strange fruitsome-
times, as the man said of the pine tree the five
gamblers were lynched upon to Vixburg. I'm glad
to see, said she, you have no establishment — it's
an incuhus — a dead weight — a nightmare. I ain't
able, said I ; I can't afford it no how j and besides,
said I, I can't get no one to have me. Them that
I would have won't have me, and them that would
have me, the devil wouldn't have, so I don't see as
I'm like to be troubled with a nightmare for one
while. I don't mean that, said she, laughin ; I
mean an Established Church. Oh [ an Established
Church, said I ; now I understand ; but when I
hear ladies talk of establishments, I always think
they have matrimony in their heads. The truth is,
squire, I don't like to hear English people come
out here, and abuse their church ; they've got a
D,g,t,ioflb,Go6gIe
62 THE CLOCKMAKER.
church, and throve under it, and a national cha-
racter under it, for honor and apright dealin', such
as no other people in Europe have ; indeed, I could
tell you of some folks who have to call their goods
English, to get them off in a foreign land at all.
The name tells 'em. You may boast of this tree or
that tree, and call 'em this dictionary name and
that new-fangled name, but give me the tree that
bears the beat fruit, I Bay.
A church must be paid, and the mode don't
much signify ; at any rate it ain't for them to abuse
it, tho' other folks may choose to copy it, or let it
alone, as it convenes them. Your people, said she,
are in advance of the clergy ; your ministers are
half men, half women, with a touch of the noodle.
You'd be better without 'em ; their parochial visits
do more harm than good. In that last remark, said
I, I concur; for if there's a gall in their vicinity,
with a good furtin, they'll snap her up at once ;
a feller has no chance with 'em. One 'on them,
did brother Eldad out of one hundred thousand .
dollars that way. I don't speak o' that, said she,
rather short like ; but they hav'n't moral courage.
They are not bold shepherds, but timid sheep ;
they don't preach abolition, they don't meddle with
public rights. As to that, said I, they don't think
it right to hasten on the crisis, to preach up a ser-
vile war, to encourage the blacks to cut their
masters' throats; they think it a dangerous subject
any way; and besides, said I, they have scruples o'
conscience if they ought to stir in it at all. These
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVELUNG IK AMERICA. 63
matters are state rights, or state wrongs, if you
please, and our Northern States have no more right
to interfere in 'em than they have to interfere in
the affairs of any other independent aoverign state
in Europe. So I don't blame ministers much for
that arter all, — so come now. In England, says I,
you maintain that they ought not to meddle with
public rights, and call 'em political priests, and all
that sort o' thing, and here you abuse 'em for
not meddlin' with 'em ; call 'era covrards, dum
dogs, slaves to public opinion, and what not.
There's no pleasin' some folks.
As to religion, says I, bein' " the root of demo-
cracy," it's the root of monarchy too, and all govern-
ments, or ought to be ; and there ain't that wide
difference arter all atween the two countries some
folks think on. Government here, both in theory
and practice, resides with the people ; and religion
is under the care of the rael government. With
you, government is in the executive, and religion
is in the hands of the government there. Church
and state are to a sartain extent connected there-
fore in both. The difference with us is, we don't
prefer one and establish it, and don't render its
support compulsory. Better, perhaps, if we did,
for it bums pretty near out sometimes here, and
has to be brought to by revivals and camp-meetins,
and all sorts of excitements; and when it does come
to, it don't give a steady clear light for some time,
but spits and sputters and cracks like a candle
that's got a drop o' water on the wick. It don't
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
64 THE CLOCKHAKER.
seem kinder rational, neither, that screamin' and
screetchin', and hoopin' and hoUerin', like possest,
and tumblin' into faints, find fits, and swoons,
and what not.
I don't likepreaehin to the narves vutead of
the judffjnent. — I recollect a lady once, tho', con-
varted by preachin' to her narres, that was an
altered woman all the rest o* her days. How was
that ? said she : these stories illustrate the " science
of religion." I like to hear them. There was a
lady, sud I, (and I thought I'd give her a story for
her book,) that tried to rule her husband a little
tighter than was agreeable, — meddlin* with things
she didn't onderstand, and dictatin' in matters of
politics and religion, and everything a'most. So
one day her husband had got up considerable airly
in the mornin', and went out and got a tailor, and
brought him into his wife's bed-room afore she was
out o' bed : — " Measure that woman," said he, " for
a pair of breeches ; she's detarmined to weaT 'em,
and I'm resolved folks shall know it," and he shook
the cow-skin over the tailor's head to show him he
intended to be obeyed. It cured her, — she be^ed
and prayed, and cried, and promised obedience to
her husband. He spared her, but it effectuated a
cure. Now that's what I call preaching to the
narves : Lord, how she would have kicked and
squeeled if the tailor had a . A very
good story, said she, abowin' and amovin' a little,
so as not to hear about the measiirin' — a very good
story indeed.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVELLING IN AMERICA.
If you was to revarse that maxim o' yourn, said
I, and say democracy is too often found at the root
of religion, you'd be nearer the mark, I reckon. I
knew a case once exactly in point. Do tell it to
me, said she; it will illustrate " the spirit of reli-
gion." Yes, said I, and illustrate your book too,
if you are awritin' one, as most English travellers
do. Our congregation, said I, to Slickville, con-
tained most of the wealthy and respectable folk
there, and a most powerful and united body it was.
Well, there came a spht once on the election of an
Elder, and a body of the upper-crust folks sepa-
mted and went off in a huff. Like most folks that
separate in temper, they laid it all to conscience ;
found out all at once they had been adrift afore all
their lives, and joined another church as different
from ourn in creed as chalk is from cheese ; and to
shew their humility, hooked on to the poorest con-
gregation in the place. Well, the minister was
quite lifted up in the stirrups when he saw these
folks jine him ; and to shew his zeal for them the
next Sunday, he looked up at the gallery to the
ni^^rs, and, said he, my brether'n, said he, I beg
you won't spit down any more on the fusle seats,
for there be gentlemen there now. Jist turn your
heads, my sable friends, and let go over your
shoulders. Manners, my brothers, manners before
backey. Well, the niggers seceded; they said it
was an infringement on their rights, on their privi-
lege of spittin', as freemen, where they liked, how
they hked, and when they liked, and they quit in a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
66 THE CLOCKMAKEK.
bcMly. " Democracy," said they, " is the root of
reli^on."
Is that a fact, said ahe ? No mistake, said I ; I
seed it myself; I know 'era all. Well, it's a curious
fact, said she, and very illustratiTe. It illustrates
the universality of spittin', and the universality of
democracy. Its characteristic. I have no fear of
a people where the right of spittin' is held sacred
from the interminable assaults of priestcraft. She
Ifud down her trumpet, and took out her pocket-
book, and began to write it down. She swallar'd
it all. I have seen her book since, it's jist what I
expected from her. The chapter on religion strikes
at the root of all rehgion ; and the effect of such
doctrines are exhibited id the gross slander she
has written ag'in her own sex in the States, from
whom she received nothin' but kindness andhos-
pitahty. I don't call that pretty at all ; it's enough
to drive hospitality out of the land.
I know what you allude to, said I, and fully con-
cur with you in opinion, that it is a gross abomin-
able slander, adopted on insufficient authority, and
the more abominable from coming from a woman.
Our church may be aristocratic ; but if it is, it
teaches good manners, and a regard for the decen-
<»e8 of life. Had she listened more to the regular
clergy, and less to the modem illuminati, she might
have learned a little of that charity which induces
us to think well of others, and to speak ill of none.
It cerimnly was a great outrage, and I am sorry
that outrage was perpetrated by an Englishwoman.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVELLING IN AMERICA. 67
I am pn^er glad you agree with me, squire, said
he ; hut come and see for yourself, and I will ex-
plain matters to you ; for without some one to let
you into things you won't onderstand us. Ill take
great pleasure in bein' your guide, for I must say
I like your conversation. — How ungular this is I
to the natural reserve of my country, I add an un-
common taciturnity ; but this peculiar adaptation
to listening has everywhere estabUabed for me that
rare, but most de^rable reputation, of being a good
companion. It is evident, therefore, that listeners
are everywhere more scarce than talkers, and are
valued accordingly. Indeed, without them, what
would become of the talkers ?
Yes, I like your conversation, sud the Clock-
maker (who, the reader must have observed, has
had all Ijie talk to himself) We are like the
Chinese; they have two languages, the written
language and the spoken language. Strangers only
get as &x as the spoken one ; but all secret afinirs
of religion and government are sealed up in the
written one ; they can't make nothin' of it. That's
jist the case with us; we have two langu^es, one
for strangers, and one for ourselves. A stranger
must know this, or he's all adrift. We've got out
own difficulties, our own doubts, our own troubles,
as well as other folks, — it would he strange if we
hadn't; but we don't choose to blart 'em all out to
the world.
Look at our President's Message last year ; he
said, we was the most prosperous nation on the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
66 THE CLOCKHA.KER.
ftce of the airth, peace and plenty spreadin' over
the land, and more wealth than we know'd how to
spend. At that very time we was on the point of
national bankruptcy. He smd, the great fire at
New York didn't cause our feilure ; good reason
why, the goods were all owned at London and
Lyons, and the failures took place there, and not
here. Our President said on that occasion, our
maxim is, " do no wrong, and suffer no insult."
Well, at that very time our gineral was marchin'
into the Mexican territory, and our people off
South hoarded Texas, and took it, — and our folks
down North-east were ready to do the same neigh-
bourly act to Canada, only waitin' for Papeneauto
say, " All ready." He boasted we had no national
debt, but a large surplus revenue in the public
chist, and yet, add up the public debt of each sepa-
rate state, and see what a whappin' large one that
makes. We don't intertain strangers, as the Eng-
Ush do, with the troubles of our household and the
bothar oursarvants give ua; we think it ain't hos-
pitable, nor polished, nor even good manners ; we
keep that for the written language among our-
selves. If you don't believe my word, go and ask
the Britisher that was at Mr. Madison's court when
the last war broke out — he was the only man to
Washington that know'd nothin' about it — he
didn't understand the language. I guess you may
go and pack up your duds and go home, said Mr.
Madison to him one day, when he called there to
the levee. Go home ! said he, and he wrinkled up
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TRAVELUNG IN AMERICA. 69
his forehead^ and drew up his eyelids, as much as
to say, I estimate you are mad, Mn't you ? Go
home ! said he. What for } Why, said he, I
reckon we are at war. At war t said the English-
maa; why, you don't say so! there can't be a
word of truth in the report : my dispatches say
nothin' of it. Perhaps not, said the President,
quite cool, (only a alight twitch of his mouth
showed how he would like to haw, haw, right out,
only it wam't decent,) perhaps not, hut I presume
I declared war yesterday, when you was engaged a
playin' of a game at chess with Mrs. Madison.
Folks said they raelly pitied him, he looked so
taken aback, so streaked, so completely dumb-
founded. No, when I say you can't make «a out,
you always laugh ; but it's true, you can't without
an interpreter. fF'e speak the English language
and the American language ; you must lam the
American language, if you want to understand
the American people.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
BLBCTITB COUNCILS.
What would be the effect, Mr. SUek, said I, of
elective councils in this country, if govemment
vould consent to make the experiment ? Why,
that's a thing, said he, you can't do in your form o'
government, tryin'anexperiment, the' wecanjyou
can't give the word of command, if it turns out a
bungha' piece of business, that they use in militia
trainin', — " as you were.'' It's diflferent with us —
wecan — our government is ademocracy — all power
is in the people at large; we can go on, and
change irom one thing to another, and try any ex-
periment we choose, as often as we like, for all
changes have the like result, of leavn^ the power
in the same place and the same hands. But you
must know beforehand how it will work in your
mixed government, and shouldn't make no change
you ain't sure about. What good would an elec-
tive council be ? It is thought it would give the
upper branches, stud I, more community of feeling,
more sympathy, and more weight with the country
at large ; that being selected by the people, the
people would have more confidence in them, and
that more efficient and more suitable men would be
chosen by the fireeholders than by the crown. You
b, Google
ELECTIVE COUNCILS. 71
would jist get the identical same sort o' critters,
said he, in the eend, as the members of Assembly,
if they were elected, and no better; they would be
selected by the samejudgesofhorseBeshas t'other,
and chose out o' the same flock. It would be the
same breed o' cattle at last. But, said I, you for-
get that it is proposed to raise the qualifications of
the voters from forty shillings to forty pounds per
year ; whereby you would have a better class of
electors, and insure a better selection. Jist you
try it, said he, and there never would be an eend to
the popular motions in the House of Assembly to
extend the suflrages — for every tUng that givea
power to numbers will carry numbers, and be po-
pular, and every feller who hved on excitement,
would be for everlastin'ly a agitatin* of it, Candi-
date, Slangwhanger, and Member. You'd have no
peace, you'd be for ever on the move as our citizens
are to New York, and they move into a new house
every first o' May-day. If there be any good in
that are Council at all, it is in their bein' placed
above popular excitement, and subject to no influ-
ence but that of reason, and the fitness of things :
chaps that hare a considerable stake in the country,
and don't buy their seats by pledges and promises,
pledges that halfthe time ruin tbecoun try if they are
kept, and always ruin the man that breaks 'em. It's
better as it is in the hands of the government. It's
a safety-valve now, to let off the fume, and steam,
and vapour, generated by the heat of the lower
House. If you make thai branch elective, you put
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
72 THE CLOCKHAKER.
government right into the gap, and all difference of
opinion, instead qf bein' between the two branches
as a is now, {that is, in /act, between the people
themselves), would then occur in all cases between
the people and the governor. Afore long that would
either seal up the voice of the executive, so that they
darn't call their souls their own, or make 'em on-
popular, and whenever the executive once fsurfy
gets into that are pickle, there's an eend of the
colony, and a declaration of independence would
soon foUer. Papinor knows that, and that's the
reason he's so hot for it,— he knows what it would
lead to in the eend. That critter may want ginger,
for ought I know ; but he don't want for gumption,
you may depend. Elective councils are inconsist-
ent udlh colonial dependance. It's takin away the
crane that holds up the pot from the fire, to keep it
from boihn' over, and clappin' it right on the hot
coals : what a gallopin' boil it would soon come into,
wouldn't it ? In all mixed governments like youm,
the true rule is never to interfwe with pop'lar
rights established. Amend what is wrong, concede
what is right, and do what is just always ;
but preaarve the balance of the constitution
for your life. One pound weight only taken off
the executive, and put on t'other eend, is like
a shift of the weight on a well-balanced plank till
it won't play true no more, but keeps aslidin' and
aslidin' down by leetle and leetle to the heaviest
eend, till it all stays down to one side, and won't
work no longer. It's a system of checks now, but
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ELECTIVE COUCILS. 73
when all the checks run together, and make only
one weight, they'll do as our senate did once (for
that ain't no check no more) — it actilly passed that
cussed embargo law of Jefferson's that ruined our
trade, rotted ourshippin',and bankrupted the whole
nation, arter it come up from the House of Repre-
sentatives thro' all its three readins in four hours ;
I hope I may be shinned if it didn't. It did, I
snore. That's the beauty of havin' two bodies to
look at things thro^ only one spyglass, and blow
bubbles thro' one pipe. There's no appeal, no re-
dress, in that case, and what's more, when one party
gives riders to both horses, they ride over you hke
wink, and tread you right onder foot, as arlritrary
as old Scratch himself. There's no tyranny on
airih equal to the tyranny of a majorily; you can't
form no notion of it unless you seed it. Jist see
how they sarved them chaps to Baltimore last vrar,
General Lingan and thirty other fellers that had the
impedence to say they didn't approve of the doins
of the administration ; they jist lynched 'em and
stoned 'em to death hke dogs.
'WG^nA&mongv.s the greatest democrats are the
greatest tyrants. No, squire ; repair, amend, en-
laig;e, ventilate, modernize a httle too, if you like,
your structur ; put new roof, new porch, winders,
and doors, fresh paint and shingle it, make it
more attractive and pleasanter to inhabit, and of
course it will be more valuable; — but do you leave
the foundation alone—don't you meddle with the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
74 THE CLOCKMAKER.
frame, the braces, and girta for your life, or it will
spread, bilge out, leak like the divil, and come to
pieces some o' these stormy nights about your ears
as sure as you are bom. Make no organic changes.
There are quacks in politics, squire, as well as in
med'cine,— critters who have unerarsal pills to cure
all sorts o' diseases ; and many's the constitution,
human and politic, they've £zt atween them.
There's no knowin' the gripes and pains and
cholicks they've caused; and the worst of it is, the
poor devils that get in their hands, when they are
on the broad of their backs, can't help themselves
but turn up the whites of their eyes, and say, Oh
dear ! I'm very bad : how will it go ? Go, says
they; why, like a house afire — full split — goin' on
grandly,— couldn't do no better, — jist what was
expected. You'll have a new eonttUution, strong
as a lion : oh ! goin' on grandly. Well, I don't
know, says the misfortunate critter ; but I feeb a
plaguy sight, more like goin' o^than goin' on, I tell
you. Then comes apickin' o' the bed-clothes, a clam-
my sweat, cold feet, the hiccup, rattles, and death.
Sarves him right, says quack; the cussed fool has
had doctors too long about him in former days, and
they sapped his constitution, and fixt his flint for
him : why didn't he call me in sooner ? The con-
caitedass tlioughtheknow'd everything, and didn't
foller out all my prescriiptions ; — one comfort, tho ugh
— his estate shall pay for it, I vow. Yes, squire,
and that is the pity, win or lose, Uve or die, the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ELECTIVE COUNCILS. 75
estate does pay for it — that's a fact ; and what's
worser, too, many on 'em care more about dividin'
the spile than effectin' the cure, by a long chalk.
There's always some jugglery or quackery agoin'
on everywhere a'most. It puts me in mind of the
Wilmot springs. One of the greatest flams I ever
heerd tell of in this province, was brought out
hereabouts in Wilmot, and succeeded for a space
beyond all calculation. Oarseasarpant was no touch
to it, — and that was a grand steam-boat spekilation
too, for a nation sight of folks went from Boston
down to Providence and back ag'in, on purpose to
see the sarpant in the boat that first spoke it out
to sea. But then they were all pleasurin' parties,
young folks takin' a trip by wat«r, instead of a
quiltin' frolic to shore. It gave the galls some-
thing to talk about and to do, to strain their Uttle
eyes through the captain's great big spy-glass to
see their nateral enemy, the sarpant ; and you may
depend they had all the cur'osity of old Marm Eve
too. It was all young hearts and young eyes, and
pretty ones they were, I tell pou. But this here
Wilmot wonder was a sort of funeral affair, an old
and ugly assortment, a kind of Irish wake, part
dead and part alive, where one half groaned with
sorrow and pain, and t'other half groaned to keep
'em Company, — a rael, right down, genuine hysteric
frolic, near about as much cryin' as laughin' — it
beat all natur'. I believe they actilly did good in
sartain cases, in proper doses with proper diet ;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
76 THE CLOCKMAKER.
and at some future day, in more knowin' hands,
they will come into vogue ag'in, and make a good
spekilation ; but I have always obsarved when an
article is once run down, and folks find out that it
has got more puffin* than it desarves, they don't
give it no credit at all, and it is a long time afore
it comes round ag'in. The Wilmot springs are
sitiated on the right there, away up onder that
mountain a-head on us. They sartainly did make
a wonderful great noise three years ago. If the
pool of Saloom had abeen there, it couldn't a'had a
greater crowd o' clowns about it. The lame and
maimed, the consumptive and dropsical, the can-
cerous and leprous, the old drunkard and the young
rake, the barren wife and sick maid, the larfin'
catholic, and sour sectary, high and low, rich and
poor, black and white, fools of all ages, sizes, and
degrees, were assembled there adrinkin', bathin',
and awashin' in the waters, and carryin' off the
mud for poultices and plaisters. It killed some,
and cured some, and fool'd a nation sight of folks.
Down to the mouth of the spring, where it dis-
charges into a stream, there is a soft bottom, and
there you'd see a feller standin' with one leg stuck
in the mud ; another lyin" on a plank, with an arm
shoved into the ooze up to the shoulder : a third
asittm' down, with a mask o' mould like a gypsum
cast on his head ; others with naked feet spotted
all over with the clay to cure corns ; and these
grouped ag'in here with an unfortinate fellor with
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
EIi;CTIVE COONCII-S. 77
a stiff arm, who could only thrust in his elbow ;
and there with another sittin' on a chair, adanglin*
his feet in the mire to cure the rheumatis j while a
third, sunk up to his ribs, had a man apourin' water
on his head for an eruption, as a gard'ner waters
a transplanted cabbage-plant, all declarin' they felt
better, and wonderin' it hadn't been found out
afore. It was horrid, I tell you, to see folks
makin' such fools of themselves.
If that are spring had belonged to an American
citizen, that had made such an everlastin' touss
about it, folks would have said they calkelated it
was a Yankee trick ; as it was, they sot each. other
on, and every critter that came home from it sent a
half a dozen neighbours off, — sonone on 'em could
larf ateacb other. Theroad was actilly covered with
people. I saw one oldgoney, seventy years of age,
stuck in a g^g atween two mattrasses, Uke a carcase
of mutton atween two bales of wool in a country-
man's cart. The old foot was agoin' for to he made
young, and to be married when he returned home.
Folks believed everything they heerd of it. They
actilly swaDered a story that a British o£Bcer that
had a cork leg bathed there, and the fiesh growed
on it, so that no soul could tell the difference
atween it and the nateral one. They believed the
age of miracles had come ; go a fellor took a dead
pig and throw'd it in, aayin' who knoVd as it
cured the half dead, that it wouldn't go the whole
hog. That joke fixtthe Wilmot springs : it turned
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
78 THE CLOCKMAKElt.
the larf against 'em ; and it was lucky they did, for
they were findin' springs jist like 'em everywhere.
Every pool the pigs had ryled was tasted, and if
it was too bad for the stomach, it was pronounced
medicinal. The nearest doctor wrote an account
of it for the newspapers, and said it had sulpher
and saltpetre in it, and that the mud when dried
would make good powder, quite good enough to
blow gypsum and shoot us Yankees. At last they
exploded spontaneous, the sulphur, saltpetre, and
burnt brans went off of theroaelves, and nothin' has
ever been since heerd of the Wilmot springs.
If 8 pretty much the case in politics : folks have
always some bubble or another, — some elective
council, — private ballot, — short paiiiaments, — or
some pill or another to cure all political evils in
natur' ; with quacks enough to cry 'em up, and
interested quacks also, who make their ned out of
'em, afore people get tired of them and their pills
too. There was a time when there was too many
public oflScers in your council here, but they've
died off, or moved off, and too many of 'em lived
to Halifax, and too few of 'em in the country, and
folks thought a new deal would give 'em more fair
play. Well, they've got a new deal now, and new
cards. So far so good. A change of men is no
great matter — natur' is a changin' of 'em all the
time if government don't. But the constitution is
another thing. You can't take out the vitals and
put in new ones, as you can in a watchcase, with
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
EI.ECTIVE COUNCIU. 79
any great chance of success, as ever I heerd tell of.
I'reseensome moat beautifuloperations performed,
too, by brother Eldad, where the patients lived
thro' 'em, — and he got a plaguy sight of credit
for 'em, — but they all died a few days arterwards.
Why, 'Dad, says I, what in natur' is the good o'
them are operations, and puttin' the poor critters
to all that pain and misery, and their est^e to so
much expense, if it don't do *em no good ?— for it
seems to me they all do go for it; that's sartain.
Well, it was a dreadful pretty operation lio',
Sam, wam't it ? he'd say ; but the critter was des-
perate sick and peeowerfully weak ; I raely was
e'en a'most afeerd I shouldn't carry him thro' it.
But what's the use on it at last, when it kills 'em ?
said I : for you see they do slip thro' your fingers
in the eend. A- fellor, says he, Sam, that's con-
siderable shppery all his life, may be a httle slip-
pery towards the eend on't, and there's no help for
it, as I see ; — but, Sam, said be, with a jupe o' the
head, and a wink quite knowin', you ain't up to
snuflF yet, I see. /* don'i /all 'em if they don't die
onder the hnife : if you can carry 'em thro' the
operation, and they die next day, they always die,
of mnthin' else, and the doctor is made a man for
ever and a day arterwards too. Do you apprehend
now, my boy ? Yes, says 1, I apprehend there
are tricks in other trades as well as the clock trade j
only some on 'em ain'tquitesoinnocent,andthere's
some /wouldn't like to play, / know. No, said he,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
80 THE CLOCKMAKER.
I suppose not; and then, haw-hawin' right oul>—
how soit we are, Sam, Eun't we ? s^d he.
Yes, presaire the principle of the mechanism of
your constitution, for it ain't a bad one, and pre-
sarve the balances, and the rest you can improve on
without endangerin' the whole engin' One thing
too is sartain, — a poteer imprudenily given to the
executive, or to the people, U seldom or never got
back. I un't been to England since your Reform
Bill passed, hut some folks do say it works com-
plete, that it goes as easy as a loaded waggon down
hill, full chisel. Now suppose that hill was found
to be alterin' of the balances, so that the constitu-
tion couldn't work many years longer, without
acomin' to a dead stand, could you repeal it? and
say, "as you were?" Let a bird out o' your hand,
and try to catch it ag'in, will you ? No, squire^
said the Clockmaker, you have laws aregilatin' of
quack doctors, but none aregilatir^ of quack poli-
ticiaru : now a quack doctor is bad enough, and
dangerous enough, gracious knows, but a quack
politician is a devil outlawed, — tba^s a fact.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER VII.
8LAVBBT.
Thb road from Kentville to Wilmot passes over an
extensive and dreary sand plcun equally fatiguing
to man and horse, and after three hours' hard drag-
ging on this heavy road^ we looVd out anxiously
for an inn to rest and refresh our gallant " Clay."
There it is, said Mr. Shck ; you'll know it hy
that high post, on which they have jibitted one of
their governors ahorseback as a sign. The first
night I stopt there, I vow I couldn't sleep a wink
for the creakin' of it, as it swung backwards and for-
wards in the wind. It sounded so nateral like, that
I couldn't help athinkin' it was arael human hung
in chains there. It put me in mind of the slave to
Charleston, that was strung up for pysonin' his
master and mistress. When we drove up to the
door, a black man came out of the stable, and took
the horse by the head in a hstless and reluctant
manner, but his attention was shortly awakened by
the animal, whom he soon began to examine atten~
tively. Him don't look like blue nose, said blacky,
■ — sardn him stranger. Fine critter, dat, by gosh
—no mistake.
From the horse his eye *andered to us j when.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
S2 THE CLOCKMAKER.
slowly quitting his hold of the bridle, and stretch-
ing out his head, and stepping anxiously and cau-
tiously round to where the Clockniaker was stand-
ing, he suddenly pulled off his hat, and throwing it
up in the air, uttered one of the niost piercing yells
I think I ever heard, and throwing himself upon
the ground, seized Mr. Slick round the legs with
his arms. Oh, Massa, Sammy I Massa Sammy !
Oh, my Gor ! — only tink old Sdppy see you once
more ! How you do, Massa Sammy ? Gor Or-
mighty hless you ! How you do ? Why, who on
airth are you ? said the Clockmaker ; what onder
ihe sun do you mean hy actin' so like a ravin'
distracted fool ? Get up this minnit, and let me
see who you be, or I'll give you a slockdologer
in the ear with my foot, as sure as you are bom.
Who be you, you nigger you ? Oh, Massa Sam,
you no recollect Old Scip,— -Massa 'Siah's nigger
boy ? How's Massa Sy, and Missey Sy, and all
our children, and all our folks to our house to
home ? De dear little lily, de sweet little booty,
de little missy baby. Oh, how I do lub 'em all.
In this manner the creature ranon, incoherently
asking questions, sobbing, and blaming himself for
having left so good a master, and so comfortable a
home. Howisdat black villain, dat Cato? he con-
tinued ; — Massa no hang him yet ? He is sold, said
Mr. Slick, and has gone to New Oileensy I guess.
O, I grad, upon my soul, 1 wery grad ; then he
catch it, de dam black nigger — it sarve him right. I
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SLAVERY. 83
hope dey cowskin him well — I grad of dat,— oh
Gorl dat is good! I tink I see him, da ugly brute. I
hope dey lay it into him vrell, damn him ! I guess
you'd better onharaess Old Clay, and not leave him
standin'all day in the sun, SEud Mr. Slick. Oh goody
gracy, yes, said the overjoyed negro, dat I will, and
rub Mm down too till him all dry as bone, — debil a
wethair left. Oh, only tink, Massa Sammy Slick,
— Massa Sammy Slick, — Scip see you again I
The Clockmaker accompanied him to the stable,
and there gratified the curiosity of the affectionate
creature by answering all his inquiries after his
master's family, the state of the plantation and
the slaves. It appears that he had been inveigled
away by the mate of a Boston vessel that was load-
ing at his master's estate ; and, notwithstanding all
the sweets attending a state of liberty, was unhappy
under the influence of a cold climate, hard labour,
and the absence of all that real sympathy, which,
notwithstanding the rod of the master, exists no-
where but where there is a community of interests.
He entreated Mr. Slick to take him into his em-
ployment, and vowed eternal fidelity to him and
his family, if e hwould receive him as a servant, and
procure his manumission from his master.
This arr^igement having been effected to the
satisfaction of both parties, we proceeded on our
journey, leaving the poor negro happy in the assu-
rance that he would be sent to Slickville in
the autumn. 1 feel provoked with that black
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
84 THE CLOCKMAKKR.
rascal, said Mr. Slick, for bein' such a bom fool as
to run away from so good a master as Josiah, for
he 19 as kind-hearted a critter as ever lired, — that's
a fact, — and a plaguy easy man to his niggers. I
used to tell him, I guessed he vas the only slave
on his plantation, for he had to see arter every
thin' J he had a dreadful sight more to do than they
had. It was all work and no play with him. You
forget, said I, that his labour was voluntary, and
for his own benefit, while that of the negro is com-
pulsory, and productive of no advantage to himself.
What do you think of the abolition of shivery in
the United States ? said I : the interest of the
subject appears to have increased very much of
late. Well, 1 don't know, said he, — what is your
opinion ? 1 ask, I replied, for information. It's a
considerable of a snarl, that question, said he; I
don't know as I ever onraveled it altogether, and I
ain't jist quite sartain I can — it's not so easy as it
looks. I recollect the English gall I met atravel-
lin' in the steamboat, axed me that same question.
What do you think of slavery, said she, sir ? Sla-
very, mann, said I, is only fit for white lovers, (and
1 made the old lady a scrape of the leg,) — only fit,
said I, for white lovers and black niggers. What
an idea, said she, for a Iree man in a land of free-
dom to utter ! How that dreadful political evil de-
moralises a people ! how it deadens our feelins,
how it hardens the heart 1 Have you no pity for
the blacfts ? said she } for you treat the subject
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SLAVERY. 85
with as much levity as if, to use one of the elegant
and fashionablephrases of this country, you thought
it all " in my eye." No, marm, said I, with a very
grave fece, I haven't no pity at all for 'em, not the
least mit« nor morsel in the world. How dreadful !
said she, and she looked ready to expire with senti-
ment. No feelin' at all,3aid I, marm, for the blacks,
hut a great deal of feelin' for the whites, for instead
of bein' all in my eye, it's all in my nose, to have
them nasty, horrid, fragrant critters agoin' thro*
the house like scent bottles with the stoppers out,
aparfiunin' of it up, like skunks,— ifs dreadful !
Oh, said I, it's enough to kill the poor critters.
Phew ! it makes me sick it does. No i I keeps
my pity for the poor whites, for they have the worst
of it by a long chalk.
The constant comtemplation.of this panful
subject, said she, destroys the vision, and its de-
formities are divested of their horrors by occur-
ring so often as to become familiar. That, I sMd
Miss, is a just observation, and a profound and a
'cute one too — it is actilly founded in natur'. I
know a case in pint, I said. What is it ? said she,
for she seemed mighty fond of anecdotes (she
wanted 'em for her book, I guess, for travels with-
out anecdotes is like a puddin' without plumbs — all
dough). Why, said I, marm, father had an Enghsh
cow, a pet cow too, and a beautiful critter she was,
a brindled short-horn ; he gave the matter of eighty
dollars for her;— she was begot by Never
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
86 THE CLOCKMAKER.
mind her pedigree, said she. Well, aays I, when
the great eclipse was, (you've heerd tell how it
fnghtens cattle, har'n't you ?) Brindle stared and
stared at it so, — she lost her eyesight, and she was
as bhnd as a bat ever afterwards : I hope I may
be shot if she wam't. Now, I guess, we that see
more of slavery than you do, are like Brindle j we
have stared at it so long we can't see it as other
folks do. You are a droll man, said she, very
droll ; hut seriously, now, Mr. Slick, do you not
think these unfortunate fellow-critters, our sahle
brothers, if emancipated, educated, and civilised,
are capable of as much refinement and as high
a degree of pohsh as the whites ? Well, said I,
joking apart, miss, — there's no douht on it.
I've been considerable down South atradio' among
the whites, — and a kind-hearted, hospitable,
liberal raceo' men they be, as ever I was among —
generous, frank, manly folks. Well, I seed a good
deal of the niggers too : it couldn't be otherwise.
I must say your conclusion is a just one, — I could
give you several instances ; but there is one in
pitickelar that settles the question ; I seed it my-
self with my own eyes to Charleston, South Car.
Now, said she, that's what I like to hear ; give me
facts, said she, for I am no visionary, Mr. Shck. 1
don't build up a theory, and then go alookin' for
&cts to support it J but gather facts candidly and
impartially, and then coolly and logically draw the
inferences. Now tell me this instance which you
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SLAVERY. 8?
think conclusive, for nothin' interests us English
so much as what don't conBam us; our West
Indgy emancipation has worked so well, and im-
proved our islands so much, we are enchanted with
the very word emancipation ; it has a charm for
English ears, heyond anything you can conceive.
— TAem ialanda loiU have aponlaneous production
qfore long. But the refinement and poUsh of
these interestin' critters the blacks — your story,
if you please, sir.
I have a younger brother, miss, said I, that lives
down to Charleston ; — he's a lawyer by trade — ■
Squire Josiah Slick; he is a considerable of a
literary character. He's well known in the great
world as the author of the Historical, Statistical,
and Topographical Account of Cuttyhunck, in five
volumes j a work that has raised the reputation of
American genius among foreign nations amazin', I
assure you. He's quite a self-taught author too.
I'll give you a letter of introduction to him. Me !
said she, adrawin' up her neck like a swan. You
needn't look so scared, said I, marm, for he is a
married man, and has one white wife and four
white children, fourteen black concu 1 wanted
to hear, sir, said she, quite snappishly, of the
negroes, and not of your brother and his domestic
arrangements. Well, marm, said I ; one day there
was a dinner-party to Josiah's, and he made the
same remark you did, and instanced the rich black
marchant of Philadelphia, which position was con-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
8S THE CLOCKMAKER.
tradicted by some other gentleman there; so 'Siah
offered to bet onethousand dollars he could produce
ten black gentlemen, who should be allowed, by
good ju(^s, to be more polished tlian any like
number of whites that could be selected in the
town of Charleston. Well, the bet was taken, .
the money staked, and a note made of the tarms.
Next day at ten o'lJock, the time fixed, Josiah
had his ten niggers nicely dressed, paraded out
in the streets ^adn* of the sun, and brought his
friends and the umpires to decide the bet. Well,
when they got near 'em, they put their hands to
their eyes and looked down to the ground, and the
tears ran down their cheeks like anything. Whose
cheeks ? said she ; blacks or whites ? this is very
interestin'. Oh, the whites, to be sure, said I.
Then said, she, I will record that mark of feelin'
with great pleasure— I'll let the world know it.
It does honor to their heads and hearts. But not
to their eyes, tho', said I ; they swore they couldn't
see a bit. What the devil have you got there.
Slick ? says they j it has put our eyes out : damn
them, how they shine ! they look like black
japanned tea-trays in the sun — it's blindin' — ^it's
the devil, that's afact. Are you satisfied ? said 'Sy.
Satisfied of what ? says they ; satisfied with bein'
as bUnd as buzzards, eh ? Satisfied of the high
polish niggers are capable of, said Josiah: why
shouldn't nigger hide, with lots of Day and Mar-
tin's blackin' on it, take as good a polish as cow
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
hide, eh ? Oh lord ! if you'd aheerd what a roar
of larfter there was, for all Charleston was there
amost ; what a hurrain' and shoutin' : it was grand
fun. I went up and shook hands with Josiah, for
I always Uked a joke from a boy. Well done, 'Sy,
says I ; you've put the leake into 'era this hitch
rael complete ; it's grand ! But, says he, don't
look so pleased, Sam ; they are cussed vexed, and
if we crow I'll have to fight every one on 'em, that's
sartin, for they are plaguy touchy them South-
erners ; fight for nothin' 'amost. But, Sam, said
he, Connecticut ain't a bad school for a boy arter
all, is it ? I could tell you fifty such stories, miss,
says I. She drew up rather stately. Thank you,
sir, said she, that will do ; I am not sure whether
it is a joke of your brother's, or a hoax of youm,
but whosoever it is, it has more practical wit than
feeljn' in it.
The truth is, said the Clockmaker, nothin' raises
my dander more, than to hear English folks and
our Eastern citizens atalkin' about this subject
that they don't onderstand, and have nothin' to do
with. If such critters will go down South ameddhn'
with things that don't consam 'em, they desarve
what they catch. I don't mean to say I approve of
lynchin', because that's horrid ; but when a feller
gets himself kicked, or his nose pulled, and lams
how the cowskin feels, I don't pity him one morsel.
Our folks won't bear tamperin with, as you Colo-
nists do ; we won't stand no nonsense. The subject
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
90 THE CLOCKMAKER.
is jist a complete snarl; its all tangled, and
twisted, and knotted so, old Nick himself wouldn't
onravel it. What with privat* rights, public rights,
and state rights, feelin', expediency, and public
safety, it's a considerable of a tough subject. The
truth is, I ain't master of it myself. I'm no book
man, I never was to college, and my time has been
mostly spent in the clock bade and tooth business,
and all I know is jist a Uttle I've picked up by
the way. The tooth business, said I ; what is
that ? do you mean to say you are a dentist i No,
said he, laughing; the tooth business is pickin' up
experience. Whenever a feller is considerable
'cute with us, we say he has cut his eye teeth, he's
tolerable sharp ; and the study of this I call the
tooth business. Now I ain't able to lay it alt
down what I think as plain as brother Josiah can,
but I have an idea there's a good deal in name,
and that slavery is a word that frightens more than
it hurts. It's some o' the branches or grafts of
slavery that want cuttin' oflF. Take away corporal
punishment from the masters and give it to the
law, forbid separatin' families and the right to
compel marriage and other connexions, and you
leave slavery nothin' more than sarvitude in name,
and somethin' quite as good in fact.
Every critter must work in this world, and a
labourer is a slave; but the labourer only gets
enough to live on from day to day, while the slave
is tended in infancy, sickness, and old age, and has -
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SLAVERY. 91
spare time enough given him to turn a good deal
too. A married woman, if you come to that, is a
slave, call her what you will, wife, woman, angel,
tennegant, or devil, she's a slave j and if she hap-
pens to get the upper hand, the husband is a slave,
and if he don't lead a worse life than any black
nigger, when he's under petticoat government,
then my name is not Sam Slick. I'm no advocate
of slavery, squire, nor are any of our folks: if s bad
for the niggers, worse for the masters, and a cuss
to any country ; but we have got it, and the ques-
tion is, what are we to do with it ? Let them
answer that now,— I don't pretend to be able to,
The subject was a disagreeable one, bat it was
a striking pecuharity of the Clockmaker's, that he
never dwelt long upon anything that was not a
subject of national boast ; he therefore very dex-
terously shifted both the subject and the scene
of it to England, so as to furnish himself with a
retort, of which he was at all times esceedinglyfond.
I have heerd tell, said he, that you British have
'mancipated your niggers. Yes, said I, thank
God ! slavery exists not in the British empire.
Well, I take some credit to myself for that, said
the Clockmaker ; it was me that sot that agoin'
any way. You, said I, with unfeigned astonish-
ment; — you! how could yow, by any possibility,
be instrumental in that great national act f Well,
111 tall you, s^d be, tho' its a considerable of a
long story too. When I returned from Poland,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
92 THE CLOCKMAKER.
via London, in the biur spickilation of Jabish
Green, I vent down to Sheffield to execute a
commission ; I had to bribe some Master Work-
men to go out to America, and if I didn't fix 'era
it's a pity. The critters wouldn't go at no rate,
without the most extravagant onreasonable wages,
that no business could afford no how. Well,
there was nothin' to be done but to agree to it ;
but things worked right in the long run, our folks
soon lamt the business, and then they had to work
for half nothin', or starve. It don't do to drive too
hard a bargain always.
When ] was down there a gentleman called on
me one artemoon, one John Canter by name,
and says be, Mr. Slick, I've called to see you, to
make some inquiries about America; me and my
friends think of emigratin' there. Happy, says
I, to give any information in my power, sir, and a
sociable dish o' chat is what I must say I do like
most amazin', — it's kind o' nateral to me talkin'
is. So we sot down and chatted away about our
great nation all the artemoon and evenin', and him
and me got as thick as two thieves afore we
parted. — If you will he to home to-morrow even-
in', says he, I will call again, if you will give me
leave. Sartain, says I, most happy.
Well, nest evenin' he came ag'in ; and in the
course of talk, says he, I was bom a quaker, Mr.
SUck. Plenty of 'em with us, says I, and well to
do in the world too, '-considerable stiff folks in
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
their way them quakers — you can't no more
move 'em than a church steeple. I like the
quakers too, says I, for there are worse folks than
them agoin' in tlie world by a long chalk. Well,
lately I've dissented from 'em, says he. — Cu-
rious that, too, says I. I was athinkin the beaver
did not shade the inner man quite as much as I
hare seed it ; but, says I, I like dissent ; it shows
a man has both a mind and a conscience too ;
if he hadn't a mind he couldn't dissent, and if he
hadn't a conscience he wouldn't ; a man, there-
fore, who quits his church, always stands a notch
higher with me than a stupid obstinate critter
that sticks to it 'cause he was bom and brought
up in it, and his father belonged to it'— there's
no sense in that. A quaker is a very set man in
his way ; a dissenter therefore from a quaker must
be what I call a considerable of a obstinate
man, says he, larfin'. No, says I, not jist exactly
that, but he must carry a pretty tolerable stiff
upper lip, tho'— that's a fact.
Well, says he, Mr. Slick, this country is an aris-
tocratic country, a very aristocratic country indeed,
and it tatite easy for a man to push himself
when he has no great friends or family interest;
and besides, if a man has some little talent — says
he, (and he squeezed his chin atween his fore-
finger and thumb, as much as to say, tho' I say it
that shouldn't say it, I have a tolerable share of it
at any rate,) he has no opportunity of risin' by
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
<>4 THE CLOCKUAKER.
bringiii' himBelf afore the public. Every avenu
is filled. A man has no chance to come forward,
— money won't do it, for that I have, — talent
won't do it, for the opportunity is wantin*. I be-
lieve I'll go to the States where all men are
equal, and one has neither the trouble of risin'
nor the vexation of failin'. Then youM like to
come forard in public life here, would you, said
I, if you had a chance ? I woidd, says he ; that's
the truth. Give me yon hand then, says I, my
friend, I've got an idea that it will make your
fortin'. I'll put you in a track that will make a
man of you first, and a nobleman arterwards, as
sure as Ihou aaya thee. Walk into the ntggera, says
I, and they'll help you to walk into the whiles, and
they'll make you walk into parliament. Walk
into the niggers ! said he ; and he sot and stared
like a cat awatchin' of a mouse-hole ; — walk into
the niggers 1 — whaf s that? I don't onderstand you.
— Take up 'mancipation, says I, and work it up
till it works you up; call meetins and make,
speeches to 'em ; — get up societies and make re-
ports to 'em ; — get up petitions to parliament and
get signers to 'era. Enlist the women on your side,
of all ages, sects, and denominations. Excite 'em
first tho', for women folks are poor tools till you
get ^em up ; but excite 'em and they'll go the
whole figur*, — wake up the whole country. It's a
grand subject for it, — broken-hearted slaves akillin'
of themselves in despair, or dyin' a lingerin* death,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
— taskmaster's whip acuttin'intotheir flesh, — bum-
in' suns, — days o' toil — nights o' grief— pestilential
rice-grounds — chains — starvation — misery and
death,— grand figurs them for or&iry, and make
splendid speeches, if well put together.
Says you, such is the spirit of British freedom,
that the moment a slave touches its sea-girt shores,
his spirit busts its bonds ; be stands Emancipated,
disenthralled, and liberated ; his chains fall right
off, and he walks in all the naked majesty of a great
big black he ni^er '. It sounds Irish that, and
Josiah used to say they come up to the Americans
a'most in pure eloquence. It's grand, it's sublime
that you may depend. When you get 'em up to
the right pitch, then, says you, we have no power
in parliament ; we must have abolition members.
Certainly, says they, and who so fit as the good,
the pious, the christian-like John Canter ; up you
are put then, and bundled free gratis, head over
heels, into parliament. When you are in the House
o' Commons, at it agin, blue-jacket, for life. Some
good men, some weak men, and a'most a plaguy
sight of hypocritical men, will jine you. Cant car-
ries sway always now. A large party in the House,
and a wappin' large party out o' the house, must be
kept quiet, conciliated, or whatever the right word
is, and John Canter is made Lord Lavender.
I see, I see, said he; a glorious prospect of doin'
good, of aidin' my fellow mortals, of bein' useful in
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
96 THE CLOCKMAKER.
my generation. I hope for a more impenshable
reward that a coronet, — the approbation of my own
conscience. WeU, well, says I to myself, if yoa
ain't the most impudent as well as the most phari-
saical villain that ever went onhung, then I never
see a finished rascal, — that's all. He took my
advice, and went right at it, tooth and nail; worked
day and night, and made a most a deuce of a etir.
His name was in every paper ; — a meetin' held here
to-day, — that great and good man John Canter in
the chair ; — a meetin' held there to-morrow, — ad-
dressed most eloquently by that philanthropist,
philosopher,andChristian,JohnCanter;— a society
formed in one place, John Canter secretary; — a'
society formed in another place, John Canter pre-
sident : — John Canter everywhere; — if you went to
London, he handed you a subscription hst,— if you
went to Brighton, he met you with a petition, — if
you went to Sheffield, he filled your pockets with
tracts ; — he was a complete jack- o'- lantern, here,
and there and everywhere. The last I heerd tell
of him he was in parliament, and agoin' out gover-
ner-pneral of some of the colonies. I've seen a
good many superfine sdnts in my time, squire, but
this critter was the most uppercrust one I ever
seed, — he did beat all.
Yes, the English desarve some credit, no doubt ;
but when you subtract election eerin' party spirit,
hippocrasy, ambition, ministerial flourishes, and al)
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SLAVERY. 97
the other ondertow^ causes that operated in this
work, which at best was but clumsily contrived,
and bunglinly executed, it don't leave so much to
brag on arter all, does it nov ?
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE CLOCKMAKER.
CHAPTER VIII.
TALKING LATIN.
Do you see them are country galls there, said Mr.
Slick, how they are tricked out in silks, and
touched off with lace and ribbon to the nines
amincin' along with parasols in their hands, as if
they were afear'd the sun would melt them like
wax, or take the colour out of their face like a
printed cotton blind f Well, that's jist the ruin of
this country. It ain't poverty the blue noses have
to fear, for that they needn't know without they
choose to make acquaintance with it; but it's gen-
tility. They go the whole hog in this country, you
may depend. They ain't content to appear what
they be, but want to be what they ain't; they live
too extravagant, and dress too extravagant, and
won't do what's the only thing that will supply this
extravagance ; that is, be industrious. Jist go into
one of the meetin' houses, back here in the woods,
where there ought to be nothin' but homespun
cloth, and home-made stuffs and bonnets, and see
the leghorns and palmettors, and silk and shalleys^
morenos, gauzes, and blonds, assembled there,
enough to buy the best farm in the settlement.
There's somethin' not altogether jist right in this ;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TALKING LATIN. 99
&nd the wust of these habits is, they ruinate the
yonng folks, and they grow up as big goneys as the
old ones, and eend in the same way, by bein' half-
starved at last ; there's a false pride, &lse feelin*,
and false edication here. I mind once, I was down
this way to Kew Canaan, avendin' o' my clocks,
and who should I overtake but Nabal Green,
spokiR' along in his waggon, half loaded with no-
tiona from the retail shops, at the cross roads.
Why, Nabal, said I, are you agoin' to set up for
a marchant^ for I see you've got a considerable of
an assortment of goods there ? you've got enough
o' them to make a pedlar's fortin' amost. Who's
dead, and what's to pay now ?
Why, friend Slick, stud he, how do you do ?
who'd a' thought of seein' you here ? You see my
old lady, said he, is agoin' for to jive-cur Arabella,
that's jist returned from boardin' school to Halifax,
a let off to-n^t. Most all the bettfirmost folks in
these parts are axed, and the doctor, the lawyer,
and the minister is invited; it's no skim-milk story,
I do assure you, but upper crust, real jam. Ruth
intends to do the thing handsome. She says she
don't do it often, but when she does, she likes to go
the whole figur*, and do it genteel. If she hasn't
a show of dough nuts and prasarves, and apple
sarse and punkin pies and sarsages, it's a pity;
it's taken all hands of us, the old lady and her
galls too, besides the helps, the best part of a
week past preparin'. I say nothin', but its most
F 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
100 THE CLOCKHAKER.
turned the house inside oat, a settin' ap things in
this room, or toatin' 'em out of that into t'other,
ttnd all in snch a conflustrigation, that I'm glad
when they send me of an arrand to be out of the
way. If s lucky them harrycanes don't come every
day, for they do scatter things about at a great rate,
all topsy-turvey like, that's sartin. Won't you call
in and see us to night, Mr. Slick ? folks will be
amazin' glad to see you, and I'll show you some as
prttty-lookin' galls, to my mind, in our settlement
here, bb you'll see in Connecticut, I know. Well,
says I, I don't care if I do ; there's nothin' I like
more nor a frolic, and the dear little critters I do
like to be among 'em too,^that's sartin.
In the evenin' I drives over to Nabal's, and
arter puttin' up my beast, old Clay, I goes into the
house, and sure enough, there they was as big as
life. The young ladies asittin' on one side, and
the men astandin' up by the door and acbatterin*
awav in great good humour. There was a young
cnap, aholdin' forth to the men about politics ; he
was a young trader, sot up by some marcbant in
Hali&x, to ruinate the settlement with good-for-no-
thiik' trumpery they hadn't no occasion for,- — chock
full of conciut and affectation, and beg^nnin' to feel
his way with the yard stick to assembly already.
Great dandy was Mr. Bobbin ; he looked jist as
if he had come out of the tailor's hands, spic and
span ; put out his lips and drew down his brow, as
if he had a trick of thinkin' sometimes — nodded his
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TALKING LATIN. 101
head and winked, as if he knew more than he'd
like to tell — talked of talent quite glib, but dis-
dainful, as if he would'nt touch some folks with a
pair of tongs; a great scholar too was Mr. Bobbin,
always spoke dictionary, and used heavy artillery
words. I don't entertiun no manner of doubt if
goTemment would take him at bis own valiation,
he'd be found to be a man o' great worth. I never
liked the critter, and always gave him a poke when
I got a chance. He was a town meetin' orator ; a
grand school that to lam public speakin*, squire;
a nice muddy pool for young ducks to larn to swim
in. He was a grand hand to read lecturs in
blacksmith's shops at Vandues and the like, and
talked politics over his counter at a great size.
He looked big and talked big, and altogether was a
considerable big man in his own concEut. He dealt
in reform. He had ballot tape, suffrage ribbon,
radical lace, no-tythe hats, and beautiful pipes with
a democrat's head on 'em, and the maxim, "No
sinecure," onder it. Every thing had it's motto.
No, sir, said he, to some one he was atalkin' to as
I came in, this country is attenuated to pulveriza-
tion by its aristocracy — a proud, a haughty aris-
tocracy ; a corrupt, a lignious, and lapidinous
aristocracy ; put them into a parcel, envelope *em
with a panoply of paper, tie them up and put
them into the scales, and they will be found want-
in'. There is not a pound of honesty among *em,
nay, not an ounce, nay not a pennyweight. The
G,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
102 THE CLOCKUAKER.
article is wantin' — ^it is not in their catat(^e. The
word never occurs either in their order, or in their
invoice. They won't bear the inspection, they
are not marchantable— notbin' but refuse.
If there is no honesty in market, says I, why
don't you import some, and retail it out i you
might make some considerable profit on it, and
do good to the country too ; it would be quite
patriotic that. I'm glad to see, says I, one honest
man atalkin politics auy how, for there's one thing
I've obsanred in the course of my experience,
whenever a man suspects all the world that's above
him of roguery, he must be a pretty considerable
superfine darned — (rogue himself, whispered some
critter standin' by, loud enough for all on 'em to
hear, and to set the whole party achockin' with
larfter}— judge of the article himself, says I. Now,
says I, if you do import it, jist let us know how
you sell it, — by tbe yard, the quart, or the pound,
will you? for it ain't sot down in any tradin' ta-
bles I've seen, whether it is for long measure, dry
measure, or weight.
Well, says be, atryin' to larf, as if he didn't take
the hint, I'll let you know, for it might be of some
use to you, perhaps, in the clock trade. May be
you'll be a customer, as well as the aristocrats.
But how is clocks now ? said he, and he gave his
neigbbotu: a nudge with bis elbow, as much as to
say, I guess if s my turn now — how do clocks go >
liike some young country traders I've seen in my
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TALKING LATIN. lOS
time, says I ; don't go long afore they run down,
and have to be wound up again. They are con-
siderable better too, like them, for beiii' kept in
their own place, and plaguy apt to go wrong when
moved out of it. Thinks I to myself, take your
change out o' that, young man, will you ? for I'd
heerd tell the goney had said they had cheats
enough in Nova Scotia, without havin' Yankee
clockmakers to put new wrinkles on their horns.
Why, you are quite witty this evenin', s^d he ;
you've been masticatin' mustard, I apprehend. I
was always fond of it from a boy, said I, and if a
a pity the blue noses didn't chew a little more of
it, 1 tell you ; it would help 'em, pYaps, to dis-
gest their jokes better, I estimate. Why, I didn't
mean no offence, said he, I do assure you. Nor I
neither, said I ; I hope you didn't take it in any
way parsonal.
Says 1, friend Bobbin, you have talked a con-
siderable hard o' me afore now, and made out the
Yankees most as big rogues as your great men
be ; but I never thought anything hard of it : I
only said, says I, he puts me in mind of Mrs.
Squire Ichobad Birch, What's that ? says the
folks. Why, says I, Marm Birch was acomin*
down stairs one momin' airly, and what should
she see but the stable help akissin' of the cook in
the comer of the entry, and she afendin' oflF like a
brave one. You good-for-nothin' hussey, aiud
Marm Birch, get out o' my house this minit : I
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
104 THE CLOCKMAKEE.
won't have no such ondecent carryins on here, on
no account. You horrid critter, get out o' my
sight ; and as for you, said ahe to the Irishman,
don't you never dare to show your ugly face here
again. I wonder you un't ashamed of yourselves,
^both on you begone ; away with you, bag and
baggage!
Hullo ! said the squire, as he follered down in
his dressin' gownd and slippers j hullo 1 says be,
what's all tbis touss about f Nothin', says Pat,
ascratchin' of his bead, nothin', your honor, — only
the mistress says she'll have no kissin' in the house
but what ahe does herself. The cook had my jack
knife in her pocket, your honor, and wouldn't give
it to me, but sot off and ran here witli it,and I arter
her, and caught her. I jist put my hand in her
pocket promisc'ously to sarch for it, and when I
found it I was atryin' to kiss her by way of forfeit
bke, and thaf s the long and the short o' the mat-
ter. The mistress says she'll let no one but her-
self in the bouse do that same. Tut, — tut, — tut !
says the squire, and larfed right out ; both on you
go and attend to your work then, and let's hear
no more about it. Now, you are like Marm Birch,
friend Bobbin, says I — you think nobody has a
right to be honest but yourself; but there is more
o' that after all agoin' in the world than you hare
any notion of, I tell you.
Feelin' a hand on my arm, I turns round, and
who should I see but Marm Green. Dear me, said
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TALKING LATIN. 105
she, is that you, Mr. Slick ? I've been lookin* all
about for you ever so long.— How do you do ? —
I hope I see you quite well. Hearty as brandy,
inarm, says I, tho' not quite as strong, and a great
deal heartier for aseein' of you. — How be you ?
Reasonable well, and stirrin', says she : I try to
keep amovin' ; but I shall give the charge of things
soon to Arabella : have you seen her yet ? No,
says I, I hav'n't had the pleasure since her return ;
but I hear folks say she is a'most asptendidfine gall.
Well, come, then, stud she, atakin' of my arm, let
me introduce yiu to her. She u a fine gall, Mr.
Slick, that's a feet ; and tho' I say it Uiat shouldn't
say it, she^s a considerable of an accomplished
gall too. There is no touch to her in these parts :
minister's darter that was all one winter to
St. John can't hold a candle to her. Can't she, tho'?
said I. No, said she, that she can't, the consait-
ed minx, tho' she does carry her head so high.
One of the gentlemen that played at the show of
the wild beast s«d to me, says he. III tell you what
it is, Marm Green, siud he, your darter has a beau-
tiful touch — that's a feet ; most galls can play a
little, but your's does the thing complete. And so
she ought. Bays she, takin' her five quarters into
view. Five quarters ! said I ; well, if that don't
beat all J well, I never heerd tell of a gall havin'
five quarters afore since I was raised ! The skin,
said I, I must say, is a most beautiful one ; but as
for the taller, who ever heerd of a gall's taller ?
V 3
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
106 THE CLOCKMAKRa.
The fifth quarter 1— Oh Lord I said I, marm,
you'll kill me, — add I haw-hawed right out. Why,
Mr. Slick, says she, ain't you ashamed ? do, for gra-
cious sake, behave yourself; I meant five quarters
schoolin*: what a droll man you be! Oh! five quar-
ters Echoolin' ! says I, now I onderstand. And,
said she, if she don't punt it's a pity. Paint ! said
I ; why, you don't say so ! I thought that are beau-
tifiil color was allnateral. Well, I never could kiss
a gall that painted. Mother used to say it was sail-
in' under false colors — I'most wonder you could
allow her to paint, for I'm sure there ain't the least
morsel of occasion for it in the world : you may say
that — it wapity! Get out, said she, yuu imperance ;
you knoVd better nor that; I meant her pic-
turs. Oh! her picturs, said I, no vr I see; — does she
tlio' ) Well, that is an accomplishment you don't
often see, I tell you. — Let her alone for that, said
her mother. Here, Arabella, dear, said she, come
here, dear, and bring Mr. Shck your pictur' of the
river that's got the two vessels in it, — Captain
Noah Oak's sloop, and Peter Zinck's schooner.
Why, my sakes, mamma, said Miss Arabella, with a
toss of her pretty little saucy mug, do you espeet
me to show that to Mr. Slick ? why, he'll only larf
at it — he larfs at everything that ain't Yankee.
Larf ! said I ; now do tell : I guess I'd be very
sorry to do such an ongenteel thing to any one —
much less, miss, to a young lady bke you. No, in-
deed, not L Yes, said her mother ; do, Bella, dear ;
Mr. Slick will excuse any little defects, I'm sure;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TALKING LATIN. 107
she's only had five quarters, you know, and you'll
make allowances, won't you, Mr. Slick? I dare
say, T said, they don't stand in need of no allow-
ances at all ; so don't be so backward, my dear.
Arter a good deal of mock modesty, out skips Miss
Arabella, and returns with a great large water color
drawin' as big as a winder shutter, and carried it up
afore her face as a hookin' cow does a board over her
eyes to keep her from makin' right at you. Now,
said her mother, lookin' as pleased as a peacock
when it's in full 6g with its head and tail up, now,
says she, Mr. SUck, you are a considerable of a
judge of paintin' — seein' that you do bronzin' and
gildin' so beautiful, — now don't you call that
splendid ? Splendid ! says I ; I guess there ain't
the beat of it to be found in this country, anyhow :
I never seed anything like it: you couldn't ditto it
in the province, I know. I guess not, siud her
mother, nor in the nest province neither. It sar-
tainly beats all, said I. And so it did, squire ;
you'd adied if you'd aseed it, for larfin'. There
was the two vessels one right above t'other, a great
big black cloud on the top, and a church steeple
standin' under the bottom of the schooner. Well,
says I, that is beautiful — that's a fact ! but the
water, said I, miss ; you hav'n't done that yet :
when you put that in, it will be complete. Not
yet, said she; the greatest difficulty I have in
puntin' is in makin' water. Have you, the' ? said
I ; well, that is a pity. YeSj said she ; it's the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
108 THE CLOCKHAKER.
hardest thing in natur*— I can't do it straight, nor
make it look of the right color ; and Mr. Acre, our
master, said you must always malcewaterin straight
lines in paintin', or it ain't natural and ain't pleas-
in' ; vessels too are considerable hard ; if you make
'em strait up and down they look stiff and ongracefiil
like, and if you put 'em onder sail, then you should
know all about fixin' the sails the right way for the
wind — if you don't, its blundersome. I'm terribly
troubled with the effect of wind. Oh ! says I. Yes,
I nm, said she, and if I could only manage wind and
water in paintin' landscapes, why, it would be no-
thin' — I'd do 'em in a jiffey ; but to produce the
right effect, these things take a great deal of prac-
tice. I thought I should have snorted right out to
hear the little critter run on with such a regular
bam. Oh dear < said I to myself, what pains some
folks do take to make fools of their children : here's
as nice a little heifer as ever was, alettin' of her
dapper run away with her like an onruly horse ;
she don't know where it will take her to yet, no
more than the man in the moon.
As she carried it out again, her mother said. Now,
I take some credit to myself, Mr. Slick, for that ; —
she is throwed away here : but I was detarmined to
have her educated, and so I sent her to boardin'
school, and you see the effect of her five quarters.
Afore she went, she was three years to the com-
bined school ill this district, that includes both Dal-
housie and Sharbrooke : you have combined schools
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TALKING LATIK. 109
in the States, havn't yon, Mr. Slick ? I guesa we
have, said I ; boys and galls combined ; I was to
one on 'em, when I was considerable well growd
up : Lord, what fun we had ! It*s a grand place
to lam the multiplication table at, ain't it 7 I tc-
collect once— Oh fie ! Mr. Slick, I mean a simi-
nary for young gentlemen and ladies where they
lam Latin and English combined. Oh latten !
said I ; they lam latten there, do they ? — Well,
come, there is some sense in that ; I didn't know
there was a factory of it in all Nova Scotia. 1
know how to make latten ; father sent me clean
away to New York to lam it. You mix up cala-
mine and copper, and it makes a brass as near like
gold as one pea is like another ; and then there is
another kind o' latten workin' tin over iron, — it
makes a most complete imitation of silver. Oh ! a
knowledge of latten has been of great SMvice to
me in the clock trade, you may depend. It has
helped me to a nation sight of the genuifzne metals
— that* s a fact.
Why, what on airth are you atalkin' about? sud
Mrs. Green. I don't mean that latten at all ; I
mean the Latin they lam to schools. Well, I
don't know, said I ; I never seed any other kind o*
latten, nor ever heard tell of any. — What is it ?
Why, it's a——, it's a——. Oh, you know well
enough, said she ; only you make as if you didn't,
to poke fun at me. I believe, on my soul, you've
been abammin' of me the whole blessed time. I
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
110 THE CLOCKBUKER.
hope Imaybe shot if I do, said I; so do tell me what
it is. Is it anything in the silk factory line, or the
straw-plat, or the cotton warp way i Your -head,
said she, considerable miffy, is always arunnin' on
a factory, Latin is a . Nabal, said sbe, do
tell me what Latin is. Latin, says he, — why,
Latin is ahem ! it's what they teach at
the Combined School. Well, says she, we all
know that as well as you do, Mr. Wisehead : but
what is it ? Come here, Arabella dear, and tell me
what Latin is ? Why, Latin, ma, said Arabella, is
— am-o, I love ; — am-at, he loves ! am>amus, we
love ; — that's Latin, Well, it does sound dreadful
pretty tho', don't it ? says I ; and yet if Latin is
love, and love is Latin, you hadn't no occasion,—
and I gut up, and slipt my hand into her's — you
hadn't nooCcasionfortogo to tbeCombined School
to larn it ; for natur", says I, teaches that a ,
and I was whisperin' of the rest o* the sentence in
her ear, when her mother said, — Come, come, Mr.
Slick, what's that you are asayin' of ? Talkin'
Latin, says I, — awinkin' to Arabella ; — ain't we,
miss ? Oh yes, said she, — returnin* the squeeze
of my hand, and larfin' j — oh yes, mother, arter all
be onderstands it complete. Then take my seat
here, says the old lady, and both on you sit down
and talk it, for it will be a good practice for you ;
— and away she sailed t6 the eend of the room, and
left us a — lalkin' Latin.
I hadn't been asittin' there long afore doctor
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIc
TALKIKO LATIN. Ill
Ivory Hovey came up, aamirkin', and asmilin',
and arubbin' of his handx, as if be was agoin' to
say sometbin' very witty ; and I observed, tbe mo-
ment be came, Arabella took berself off. She said,
she couldn't 'bide bim at all. Well, Mr. Slick,
said be, bow be you ? how do you do, upon an
average, eh ? Pray, what's your opinion of matters
and things in general, eh ? Do you think you
could exhibit such a show of fine bloomin' galls in
Slickville, eh ? Not a bad chance for you, I gueBS,
— (and he gave that word guess a twang that
made the folks larf all round,) — said he, for you to
spekilate for a wife, eh? Well, says I, there is a
pretty show o' galls,— that's sartain, — but they
wouIdn*t condescend to the like o' me. I was
athinkin' there was some on *em that would jist
suit you to a T. Me, says be, adrawin' of himself
up and looking big, — me I and he turned up his
nose like a pointer dog when the birds flowed off.
When I honour a lady with the offer of my hand,
says he, it will be a lady. Well, thinks I, if you
^n't a consaited critter if s a pity; most on 'em
are a plaguy sight too good for you, so I will jist
pay you off in your own coin. Says I, you put me
in mind of Lawyer Endicot*s dog, Wliaf s that ?
says the folks acrowdin' round to hear it, for I seed
phiin enough that not one on 'em liked bim one
morsel. Says I, he had a great big black dog
that he used to carry about with him everywhere
he went, into the churches and into the court.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
112 THE CLOCKMAKER.
The dog was always abotherin' of the judges, aget-
tin'between th^r legs, and theyusedto order him to
be turned out every day, and they always told the
lawyer to keep his dog to home. At last, old
Judge Person said to the constable one day, in a
voice of thunder, Turn out that d(^ ! and the
judge gave him a kick that sent him half-way
across the room, yelpin' and howlin' Uke anything.
The lawyer was properly vexed at this, so says he
to the dog, Pompey, says he, come here ! and the
dog came up to him. Dida't I always teU you,
siud he, to keep out o* bad company i Take that,
said he, agivin' of him a'most an awful kick — take
that 1 — and the next time only go among gentle-
men; and away went the dog, lookin' foolish
enough, you may depend. What do you mean by
that are story, sir? said he, abristtin' up hke a
mastitf. Nothin', says I j only that a puppy some-
times gets into company thaf s too good for him,
by mistake ; and if he forgets himself, is pl^uy apt
to get bundled out faster than he came in ; — and I
got up and walked away to the other side.
Folks gave him the nickname of Endicot's dog
arter that, and I was glad on it ; it sarved him
right, the consaited ass. I heerd the critter amut-
terin' sun'thin' of the Clockmaker illustratin' his
own case, but, as I didn't want to be parsonal, I
made as if I didn't hear him. As I went over to-
wards the side-table, who should I sec aleanin' up
against It hut Mr. Bobbin, pretty considerable well
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
TALKING LATIN. 113
ahaved, with a glass o' grog m his hand, alookin'
as cross as you please, and so far gone, he was
athinkia' aloud, and atalkin' to himself. There
comes " soft sawder," says he, and " human
natur*," — ameanin' me — a Yankey broom, —
wooden nutmegs, — cussed sarcy, — great mind to
kick him. Arahella's got her head turned, — con-
auted minx ; — good exterior, but nothin' in her,—
like Slick's clocks, all gilded and varnished outside,
and soft wood within. Gist do for Ivory Hovey, —
same breed, — big head, — long ears, — a pair of
donkeys ! Shy old cock, that deacon, — joins Tem-
perance Societies to get popular, — slips the gin in,
pretends it's water ; — I see faim. But here goes, I
believe I'll slip off. Thinks I, it's gettin' on for
momin'; I'll slip off too; so out I goes, and har-
nesses up old Clay, and drives home.
Jist as I came from the ham, and got oppost/e
to the house, I heerd some one acrackin' of his
whip, and abawlin'outatagreatsize; and I looked
up, and who should 1 see but Bobbin in his waggon
ag'in the pole fence. Coroin' in the air had made
him blind drunk. He was alickin' away at tlie top
pole of the fence, and afancyin' his horse was
there, and wouldn't go. — Who comes there ? said
he. Clockmaker, said I. Gist take my horse by
the head, — that's a good fellor — will you ? said he,
and lead him out as far as the road. Cuss him,
he won't stir. Spiles a good horse to lead him,
says I ; he always looks for it again. Jist you lay
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
114 THE CLOCKHAKER.
it on to him well, — his hams ain't made cf hickory
like mine. Cat away at him ; he^ go by-and-bye :.
— and I drove away, and left him acuttin' and
alashin' at the fence for dear life. Thinks I, you
are not the first ass that has been brought to a poll,
anyhow.
Next day, I met Nabal. Well, stud he, Mr.
SUck, you hit our young trader rather hard last
night ; but I warn't sorry to hear you, tho', for the
critter is so full of consait, it will do him good.
He wants to pull every one down to his own level,
as he can't rise to theirs, and is for everlastinly
spoutin' about House of Assembly business, of&-
cials, aristocrats, and such stuff; he'd be a plaguy
sight better, in my mind, attendin' to his own busi-
ness, instead of talkin' of other folks's ; and uwn'
his yardstick more, and his tongue less. And be-
tween you and me, Mr. Slick, said he, — tho' I
hope you won't let on to any one that I said any-
thing to you about it, — but atween ourselves, as
we are alone here, I am athinkin' my old woman
is in a fiiir way to turn Arabella's head too. All
this paintin', and singin' and talkin' Latin is very
well, I consait, for them who have time for it, and
nothin' better to do at home. If s better pVaps
to be adoin' of that than adoin' of nothin' ; but for
the like o' us, who have to live by farrain', and
keep a considerable of a lai^ dairy, and upwards
of a hundred sheep, it does seem to me sometimes
as if it were a little out of place. Be candid now.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIe
TALKING LATIN. 115
said he, for I should like to hear what your rael
genuwine opinion is touchin' this matter, seein'
that you know a good deal of the world.
Why, friend Nabal, says I, as you've axed my
advice, I'll give it to you; tho' anythin' partainin'
to the apron-string is what I don't call myself a
judge of, and feel delicate of meddlin* with. Wo-
man is woman, says I ; that's a fact ; and a fellor
that will go for to provoke hornets, is plaguy apt to
get himself stung, and I don't know as it does not
sarve him right too ; but this I must say, friend,
that you're just about half right, — that's a fact.
The proper music for a farmer's house is the spin-
nin'-wheel,-r-the true paintin' the dye stuffs, — and
the tarabourin' the loom. Teach Arabella to be
useful and not showy, prudent and not extravagant.
She is jist about as nice a gall as you'll see in a
day's ride ; now don't spoil her, and let her get her
head turned, for it would be a rael right down pity.
One thing you may depend on for sartin, as a
maxim in the farmin' line, — a good darter and a
good housekeeper ia plaguy apt to make a good
vnfe and a good mother.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER IX.
THE SNOW WREATH.
Whobveb has read Haliburton's History of Nora-
Scotia (which, next to Mr. Josiah Slick's History
of Cuttyhunk, in five Tolumes, is the most impor-
tant account of animportaiit things I have ever
seen,) will recollect that thb good city of Anna-
polls is the most ancient one in North America ;
but there is one fact omitted by that author, which
I trust he will not think an intrusion upon bis
province if I take the liberty of recording, and
that is, that in addition to its being the most an-
ient, it is also the moat loyal city of this Western
Hemisphere. This character it has always sus-
tained, and " royal," as a mark of peculiar favour,
has ever been added to its cognomen by every
government that has had dominion over it.
Under the French, with whom it was a great
favourite, it was called Port Royal ; and the good
Queen Anne, who condescended to adopt it, per-
mitted it to be called Annapohs Royal. A book
issuing from Nova Scotia is, as Blackwood very
justly observes, in his never-to-be-forgotten, nor
ever-to be-sufficiently-admired review of the first
series of this work, one of those unexpected events
^, Google
THE SNOW WREATH. 117
that, from their great improbability, appear almost
incredible. .Entertaining no doubt, therefore, that
every member of the cabinet will read this litsus
naturie, I take this opportunity of informing them
that our most gracious Sovereign, Queen Victoria,
has not in all her wide-spread dominions more de-
voted or more loyal subjects than the good people
of Annapolis Royal.
Here it was, stud I, Mr. Slick, that the e^ was
laid of that American bird, whose progeny have
since spread over this immense continent. Well,
it is a'most a beautiful bird too, un't it ? said he ;
what a plumage it has ; what a size it is ! It is a
whopper, — thaf s sartain : it has the courage and
the soarin' of the eagle, and the colour of the pea-
cock, and his majestic step and keen eye ; the
world never seed the beat of it ; that^s a fact.
How streaked the English must feel when they
think they once had it in the cage and couldn't
keep it there ! it is a pity they are so invyous tho*,
I declare. Not at all, I assure you, 1 replied ;
there is not a man among them who is not ready
to admit all you have advanced in fevour of your
national emblem : the fantastic strut of the pea-
cock, the melodious and attic tones, the gaudy
apparel, the fondness for display which is perpe-
tually exhibiting to the world the extended tail
with painted stars, the amiable disposition of the
bird towards the younger and feebler ofepring of
others, the unwieldy—. I thought so, said he :
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
U8 THE CLOCKHAKER.
I hadn't ouglit to have spoke of it afore you, for it
does seem to ryle yon ; that's aartain ; and I don't
know as it was jist alt<^ther right to allude to a
thin' that is ao hnmhlin,* to yooi national pride.
But, squire, ain't this been a hot day ? I think it
would pass master among the hot ones of the West
Indies a'most I do wish I could jiat slip off my
flesh and sit in my bones for a space, to cool my-
self, for I ain't seed such thawy weather this many
a year, I know. I calculate I will brew a little
lemonade, for Marm Buley ginerally keeps the
materials for that Temperance Society drink.
This cUmate o' Nova Scotia does run to ex-
tremes ; it has the hottest and the coldest days in
it I ever seed. I shall never foi^et a night 1 spent
here three winters ago. I come very near freezin'
to death. The very thought of that nightwill cool
me the hottest day in summer. It was about the
latter eend of February, as &r as my memory sarves
me, I came down here to cross over the bay to St.
John, and it was considerable arter daylight down
when I arrived. It was the most violent slippery
weather, and the most cruel cold, I think, I ever
mind seein' since 1 was raised.
Says Marm Bailey to me, Mr. Slick, says she,
I don't know what onder the sun I'm agoin' to
do with you, or how I shall be able to accom-
modate you, for there's a whole raft of folks
from Halifax, here, and a batch of moo&e-huntin'
officers, and I don't know who all ; and the house
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE SNOW WRFATH, 119
is chock full, I declare. Well, says I, I'm no ways
partikiler — I can put up with most anything. I'll
jist take a stretch here, afore the fire on the floor ;
—for I'm e'en a'most chilled to death, and aw-
ful sleepy too ; first coine, says I, first sarved, you
knoVs an old rule, and luck's the word now-a-
days. Tes I'll jist take the hearth-rug for it, and
a good warm herth it is too. Well, says she, I can't
think o' that at no rate : there's old Mrs. Faims
in the next street but one; she's got a spare bed
she lets out sometimes : I'll send up to her to get
it ready for you, and to-morrow these folks will
be off, and then you can have your old quarters
^lun.
So, arter supper, old Johnny Farquhar, the
English help, showed me up to the widder's. She
was considerable in years, but a cheerfulsome old
lady and very pleasant, but she had a darter, the
prettiest gall I ever seed since I was created.
There was sunthin' or other about her that made
a body feel melancholy too ; she was a lovely-
lookin' critter, but her countenance was sad ; she
was tall and welt made, had beautiful lookin'
long black hair and black eyes ; but, oh 1 how pale
she was ! — and the only colour she had, was a
little fever-like-lookin' red about her lips. She
was dressed in black, which made ber countenance
look more marble like j and yet whatever it was,
— natur", or consumption, or desartion, or settin'
on the anxious benches, or what not,— that made
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
120 THE CLOCKHAKER.
her look so, yet she hadn't fallen away one morsel,
but vas full formed and well waisted. I couldn't
keep my eyes off of her.
I^elt a kind o* interest in her ; I seemed as
if I'd like to hear her story, for sunthin' or another
had gone wrong — that was clear ; some httle story
of the , heart, most Uke, for young galls are
plaguy apt to have a tender spot thereabouts.
She never smiled, and when she looked on me she
looked so streaked and so sad, and cold withal, it
made me kinder superstitious. Her voice, too,
was BO sweet, and yet so doleful, that I felt proper
sorry and amazin' curious too ; thinks I, I'll jist
ax to-morrow all about her, for folks have pretty
'cute ears in Annapolis : there ain't a smack of
a kiss that ain't heard aU over the town in two
twos, and sometimes they think they hear 'em even
afore they happen. It's a'most a grand place for
news, like all other small places I ever seed.
Well, I tried jokin* and funny stories, and every
kind o' thing to raise a larf, but all wouldn't do j
she talked and listened and chatted away as if
tberewasnothin'abovepartikiler; but still nosmile;
her face was cold and clear and bright as the icy
surface of a lake, and so transparent too, you
could see the yeins in it. Arter a while the old
lady showed me to my chamber, and there was a
fire in it : but oh ! my sakes, how cold ! it was
like goin' down into a well in summer — it made
my blood fairly thicken ag'in. Your tumbler is
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THB SNOW WREATH. 121
out, squire ; try a little more of that lemonade ;
that iced water is grand. Well, I sot orer the
fire a apace, and gathered up the little bits o^
brands and kindlin wood, (for the logs were green,
and wouldn't bum up at no rate) : and then I
ondressed and made a deaperate jump right into
the cold bed, with only half clothes enough on it
for such weather, and wrapped up all the clothes
round me. Well, I thought I should hare died.
The frost was in the sheets, — and my breath
looked like the steam from a boiUn tea-ketde, and
it settled right down on the quilt, and froze into
white hoar. The naila in the house cracked like
a gun with a wet wad, — they went off like thun-
der, and now and then you'd hear some one run
along ever so fast, as if he couldn't shew his
nose to it for one minit, and the snow crealdn'
and crumplin' under his feet, Uke a new shoe with
a stiff sole to it. The fire wouldn't blaze no lon-
ger, and only gave up a blue smoke, and the glass
in the winder looked all fuzzy with the frost
Thinks I, I'll freeze to death to a asrtainty. If I
go for to drop off asleep, as sure as the world I'll
never wake up ag'in. I've heerin' tell of folks
afore now feeUn' dozy like out in the cold, and
layin* down to sleep, and goin' for it, and I don't
half like to try it, I vow. Well, I got considerable
narvous like, and I kept awake near about all
night, treroblin' and shakin' like ague. My teeth
fairly chattered ag'in ; first I rubbed one foot ag'in
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
122 TIJE CLOCKMAKER.
tother, — then I doubled up all in a heap, and
then rubbed alt over with mj hands. Ohl it
was dismal, you may dq)end; — at last I began to
nod and doze, and fancy I seed a flock o' sheep
atakin a split for it over a wall, and tried to
count' em, one by one, and couldn't ; and then
I'd start up, and then nod ag'in. I felt it
acomin' all over, in spite of all I could do ; and
thinks I, it unt so everlaslin' long to daylight
now; I'll try it any bow— I'll be darned if I don't
— 80 here goes.
Jist as I shot niy eyes, and made up my mind
for a nap, 1 hears a low moan and a sob ; well, I
sits up and listens, but all was silent again. No-
thin' but them etarnal nails agoin' off, one arter
fother, like anything. Thinks I to myself, the
wind's agettin' up, I estimate; it's as like as not
we shall have a change o' weather. Presently I
heerd a light step on the entry, and the door opens
softly, and in walks the widder's darter on tip-toe,
dressed in a long white wrapper ; and after peeiin*
all round to see if I was asleep, she goes and sita
down in the chimbly comer, and picks up the
coals and fixes the fire, and sits alookin' at it for
ever so long. Oh! so sad, and so melancholy; it
was dreadful to sec her. Says I to myself, says I,
what on airth brings the poor critter here, all alone,
this time o' night ; and the air so plaguy cold too ?
I guess, she thinks I'll freeze to death ; or, p'rhapa
she's walkin' in her sleep. But there she sot look-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE SNOW-WREATH. 123
in' more like a ghoat than ahunian, — first shewarm-
ed one foot and then the other; and then held her
hands over the oo^s, and moaned bitterly. Dearj
dear ! thinks I, that poor critter is afreezln' to death
as well as me ; I do believe the worid is acomin' to
an eend right off, and we shall all die of cold, and
I shivered all over. Presently she got up, and I
saw her face, part covered with her long black
hair, and the other parts so white and so cold, it
chilled me to look at it, and her footsteps I con-
saited sounded louder, and 1 cast my eyes down to
her feet, and I actilly did fancy they looked froze.
Well, she come near the bed, and lookin' at me,
stood for a space without stirrin', and then she
cried bitterly. He, too, is doomed, said she ; he is
in the sleep of death, and so far from home, and all
his friends too. Not yet, said I, you dear critter
you, not yet, you may depend; — but you will be if
you don't go to bed ; — so says I, do for gracious
sake return to your room, or you will perish. It's
frozen, says she; it's deathy cold; the bed is a
snow wreath, and the piller ia ice, and the cover-
hd is congealed ; the chill has struck into my heart,
and my blood has ceased to flow. I'm doomed,
I'm doomed to die ; and oh ! how strange, how cold
is death ! Well I was all struck up of a heap : I
didn't know what on airth to do ; says I to myself,
says I, here's this poor gall in my room carryin' on
like ravin' distracted mad in the middle of the night
here ; she's oneasy in her mind, and is awalkin' as
Q 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
124 tm CLOCKMAKER.
sure as the world, and how it's agoin' for to eend, I
don't know, — that's a &ct. Eatey, says I, dear, I'll
get up and give you my bed if you are cold, and 1*11
go and make up a great rousin' big fire, and I'll
cell up the old lady, and she will see to you, and
get you a hot drink ; Bunthin' must be done, to a
sarbunty, for I can't bear to bear you talk so. No,
says she, not for the world ; what will my mother
say, Mr. Slick ? and me here in your room, and
nothin' but this wrapper on : it's too late now ; if s
all over ; and with that she fainted, and fell ngbt
across the bed. Oh, how cold she was; the chill
struck into me ; I feel it yet ; the very thought is
enough to give one the ague. Well, I'm a modest
man, squire ; I was always modest from a boy ; —
but there was no time for ceremony now, for there
was asuflferin', dyin' critter — so I drew her in, and
folded her in my arms, in hopes she would come to,
but death was there.
I breathed on her icy lips, but life seemed ex-
tinct, and every time I pressed her to me, I shrunk
from her till my back touched the cold gypsum
wall. It felt like a tomb, so chill, so damp, so cold
— (you have no notion how cold them are kind o'
walls are, they beat all natur') — squeezed batween
this frozen gall on one side, and the icy plaster on
the other, I felt as if my own life was aebbin' away
fast. Poor critter! says I, has her care of me
brought her to this pass ? Ill press her to my heart
once more ; pVaps the little heat that's left there
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THB SNOW-WREATH. 125
may revive her, and I can but die a few minutes
sooner. It was a last effort, but it succeeded ; she
seemed to breathe again — I spoke to ber, but she
couldn't answer, tho' I felt her tears Aotr &st on my
bosom ; but I was actitly sinktn' fast myself now,
— I felt my eend approacbin'. Then came, reflec-
tion, bitter and sad thoughts they were too, I tell
you. Pear, dear 1 said I ; here's a pretty kettle o'
fish, a'^nt there ? we shall be both found dead here
in the momin', and what will folks say of this
beautiful gall, and one of our free and enlightened
citizens, found in such a scrape ? Nothin' will be
too bad for 'em that they can lay their tongues
to, that's a fact : the Yankee villain, the cbeatin'
Clockmaker, the : the thought gave my heart
a jupe, so sharp, so deep, so painful, I awoke and
found I was ahu^n' a snow wreath, that had sifted
thro' a hole in the roof on the bed; part had melted
and tickled down my breast, and part had froze
to the clothes and chilled me through. I woke
up, proper glad it was all a dream, you may de-
pend — but amazin' cold and dreadful stiff, aud I
was laid up at this place for three weeks with the
'cute rheumatis, — that's a fact.
But your pale young friend, said I ; did you
ever see her again? pray, what became of her?
Would you beheve it ? said he ; the next momin',
when I came down, there sot Katey by the fire>
lookin' as bloomin' as a rose, and as chipper as a
canary bird ; — the fact is, I was so uncommon ooid.
Digitiiofl J, Google
128 THE CLOCKHAEEB.
and so sleepy too> the night afore, that I thought
every body and ererything looked cold and dismal
too. Momin*, sir, said she, as I entered the keep-
in' room ; momin' to you, Mr. Slick ; hov did yon
sleep last night ? I'm most afeard you found that
are room dreadM cold, for little Binney opened
die window at the head of the bed to make the
fire draw and start the smoke up, and forgot to
shot it again, and I guess it was wide open all
night;— I minded it arter I got to bed, and I
thought I should ha' died alarfin'. Thank you,
said I, for that ; but you forget you come and shot
it yourself. Me ! said she ; I never did no such
a thing. Catch me indeed agoin' into a gentle-
man's chamber : no, indeed, not for the world ;
If I wasn't cold, said I, it's a pity, — that's all !
I was e'en a'most frozen as stiff as a poker, and
near about frightened to death too, for I seed you
or your ghost last night, as plain as I see you now ;
that's a fact. A ghost ! said she : how you talk !
do tell. Why, how was that f Well, I told her
the whole story from beginning to eend. First she
larfed ready to split at my account of the cold room,
and my bein' afeard to go to sleep : but then she
stopt pretty short, I guess, and blushed like any-
thing when I told her about her comin' into the
chamber, and looked proper frightened, not know-
in' what was to come next } but when she heerd of
her tumin' first into an icecicle, and then into a
snow-diift, she haw-hawed right out. I thought she
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIc
THE SNOW-WREATH. 12?
actiUy vonld have gone into hysterics. Yon might
have frozen, said she, in reel right down aimest,
afore Fd agotie into yoar dtamber at that time o*
night to see arter you, or your fire either, said she,
you may depend ; I can't think what on airth could
have put that are crotchet into your head. Nor
I neither, said I; and besides, sttid I, aketchin'
hold of her hand, and drawin' her dose to me,-^
and besides, says I, — I shouldn't have felt so awful
cold neither, if you . Hold your tongue, said
she, you goney you, this minit; I won'thear another
word about it, and go right off and get your break-
fast, for you was sent for half an hour ago. Arter
bein'' mocked all night, says I, by them are icy tips
of your ghost, now I see them are pretty little
sarcy ones of youm, I think I must, and I'll be
darned if I won't have a . Well, I estimate
you won't, then, said she, you impedence, — and
she did fend offlikeabraveone— that'sa&ct; she
made frill, shirt collar, and dickey fly like snow ;
she was as smart as a fox-trap, and as wicked as
a meat-axe : — there was no gettin* near her no
how. At last, said she, if there ain't mother
acomin', I do declare, and my hair is all spiSicated,
too, hke a mop, — and my dress all rumfoozled, like
anything, — do, for gracious sake, set things to
rights a Itttle afore mother comes in, and then cut
and run: ray heart is in mymouth,! declare. Then
she sot down in a chair, and put both hands behind
her head a puttin' in her combs. Oh dear, said
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
126 THE CLOCKHAKER.
the, pretendin' to try to get away, is that what you
call putlin' tlungs to rights ? Don't squeeze so hard ;
you^ choke me, I tot. It tante me that's achok-
in* of you, says I, it's the heart that* s in your
mouth. — Ob, if it bad only been them lips instead
of the ghost! Quick, says she a-openin'of the
door, — I bear mother on the steps ; — quick, be off ;
but mind you don't tell any one that are ghost
story; people might think there was more in it
than met the ear. Well, well, said I to myself;
for a pale face, sad, melancboly-lookin' gall, if you
hav'n't turned out as rosy, a rompin', larkin',
ligbt-bearted a beifer as ever I seed afore, it's a
]»ty.— There's another lemon left, squire, 'spose
we mix a litUe more sourin' afore we turn in, and.
take another glass "to the widdei's darter."
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE TALISUAK.
It was our intention to have left Annapolis this
morning after breakfast, and proceeded to Digby,
a sioall but beautiful village, situated at tfaeentrance
of that magnificent sheet of water, once known as
Port Royal Basin, but lately by the moreeuphonious
appellation of the " Gut." But Mr, Slick was
Inissing, nor could any trace of him be found ; I
therefore ordered the horse again to the stable, and
awaited his return with all due patience. It was
fire o'clock in the afternoon before he made his
appearance. Sorry to keep you awaiting said he,
but I got completely let in for it this mornin'; I put
my foot in it, you may depend. I've got a grand
story to tell you, and one that will make you larf
too, I know. Where do you think I've been of
all places onder the sun ? Why, I've been to court ;
that's a fact. I seed a great crowd of folks about
the door, and thinks I, who's dead, and what's to
pay now ? I think I'll just step in for a minit
and see.
What's on the carpet to day ! says I to a blue
noae ; what's goin' on here J Why, said he, they
are agoin' for t6 try a Yankee. What for ? said I.
iSteelin'j stud he. A Yankee, says I to myself:
o 3
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ISO THE CLOCKMAKER.
well, that's ntrange too; that beats me anyhow ; I
never beerd tell of a Yankee being such a bom fool
as to steaL If the feller has been such a raTin*
destracted goney, I hope they will hang him, the
Tarinint ; that's a fact. It's mostly them thick-
skulled, wrong-headed, cussed stupid fools the
British that do that are ; they ain't brought up
well, and hav'n't got no edication j but our folks
know better ; they've been better lamed than to do
the like o' that — they can get most anything they
want by gettin' bold on the right eend in a bargain ;
they do manage beautiful in a trade, a slight o'hand,
a loan, a failin*, a spekitatin, swap, thimble-ng,
or some how or another in the rigular way within
the law i but as for stealin' — never — I don't believe
he's a Yankee. No, thinks I, he can't be American,
bred and bom, for we are too enlightened for that,
by a long chalk. We have a great respect for the
laws, squire ; we've been bred to that, and always
uphold the dignity of the law. I recollect once
that some of our young citizens away above Mont-
gomery got into a flare-up with a party of boatmen
that lives on the Mississippi } a desperate row it was
too ; and three Kentuckians were killed as dead as
herrins. Well, they were bad up for it afore
Judge Cotton. He was one of our revolutionary
heroes, a starn, hard-featured old man, quite a Cato,
— and he did curry 'em down with a heavy hand,
you may depend ; — he had no marcy on 'em. There
he sot with bis hat on, a cigar in his mouth, his arms
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE TAUSMAN. 131
folded, ai}d his feet over the rail, lookin' as sour as
an onripe lemon, firing up them culprits, said he,
and when the^ were broi^t up, he told 'em it was
scandalous, and only fit for English and ignorant
foreigners that ait on the outer porch of darkness,
anrl not high-minded, intelligent Americans. You
are a disgrace, said he, to our great nation, and I
hope I shall never hear the like of it sg'in. If I
do, I'U put you on your trial as sure as you are
bom ; I hope I may be skinned alive by wild cats
if I don't. Well, they didn't like this kind o' talk at
all, so that night away they goes to the judge's
house, to teach him a thing or two with a cowskin,
and kicked up a deuce of a row ; and what do you
think the neighbours did ? Why, they jist walked
in, seized the ringleaders and lynched them, in less
than ten minits, on one of the linden trees afore
the judge's door.
They said the law must be vindicated,— and that
courts must be upheld by all quiet orderly people
for a terror to evil-doers. The law must take its
course. No, thinks I, he can't be a Yankee; — if he
was, and had awanted the article, he would ha' done
him out of it, p'rhaps in a trade, b^n' too ex-
perienced a man of business for him ; but steal it,
never, never — I don't believe it, I vow. Well, I
walked into the court-house, and there was a great
crowd of folks there, ajabberin' and atalkin' away
like anything (fcv bluenose needn't turn his badi
on any one for talkin' — the critter is all tongue.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
133 THE CLOCKHAKER.
like an old horse), — presently in come one or two
young lawyers in a dreadful hurry, witb great piles
of books onder their arms with white leather covers,
and great bundles of papers tied with red tape, and
pnt 'em down on the table afore 'em, lookin' very
big with the quantity of lamin' they carried. Thinks
I, young shsTerSj if you had more of that in your
heads, and less under your arms, you would have
the use of your hands to play with your thumbs
when you had nothin' to do. Then came in one
or two old lawyers, and sot down and nodded here
and there to some o' the upper-crust folks o' the
county, and then shook hands amazin hearty with
the young lawyers, and the young lawyers larfed,
and the old ones larfed, and they all nodded tbeir
heads together like a flock of geese agoiii' thro' a
gate.
Presently the sheriff calls out at the tip eend
of his voice, "Clear the way for the judge j" —
and the judge walks up to the bench, lookin' down
to his feet to see he didn't tread on other folks'
toes, and put his arm behind his back, and twirls
the tail of his gown over it so, that other folks
mightn't tread on hisn. Well, when he gets to the
bench, he stands up as straight as a liberty pole,
and the lawyers all stands up strught too, and clap
their eyes on his tiU he winks, then both on 'em
slowly bend their bodies forard till they nearly
touch the tables with their noses, and then they sot
down, and the judge took a look all round, as if he
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE TAUSHAN. IS3
KKw ererything in gineraland notliin' in partikelsr,
— I never seed anyttung so queer afore, I row. It
puts me in mind o* the Chinese, but they boh
their beads clean away down to the very floor.
Well, then, siud the crier, " Oh yes ! Oh yes '.
His Majesty's (I mean her Majesty's) court is now
opened. God save the King (I mean the Queen.]"
Oh ! if folks didn't larf ifa a pity, — for I've often
obsarred it takes but a very small joke to make a
crowd larf. They'll larf at notbin' a'most. Silence,
said the sheriff, and all was as still as moonlight. It
looked strange to me, you may depend, for the
lawyers looked like so many ministers all dressed
in black gouns and white bands on, only they acted
more like players than preachers, a plaguy sight.
But, said I, is this not the case in your country ; is
there not some sort of professional garb worn by
the bar of the United States, and do not the bar-
risters and the court exchange those salutations '
which the common courtesies of life not only
sanction, but imperatively require as essential to
the preservation of mutual respect and general
good breeding ? What on urth, said the Clock-
maker, can a black gound have to do with intelli-
gence ? Them sort of liveries may do in Europe,
but they don't convene to our free and enlightened
citizens. It's too foreign for us, too un philosophical,
too feudal, and a remnant o' the dark ages. No,
sir ; our lawyers do as they Uke. Some on 'em
dress in black, and some in white ; some carry
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
134 THE CLOCKMAKF.It.
walkin-sticks, and some arabreUas, some whittle
sticks with penkives, and some shave the table,
and some put their lega onder the desks, and some
put 'em a top of them, justaa it suits them. They
sit as thejr please, dress as they please, and talk as
they please ; ve are a free people. I guess if a
judge in our country was to order the lawyers to
appear all dressed in black, they'd soon a: him who
elected him director-general of fashions, and where
he found such arbitrary power in the constitution,
as that, committed to any man.
But I was agoin' for to tell you 'bout the trial. — ■
Presently one o' the old lawyers got up, and said he,
My lord, said he, I move, your lordship, that the
prisoner may be brought up. And if it warn't a
move it was a pity. The lawyer moved the judge,
and the judge moved the sheriff, and the sheriff
moved the crowd, for they all moved out together,
leavin' hardly any one on them but the judge
and the lawyers ; and in a few minits they
all moved back ag'in with a prisoner. They
seemed as if they had never seed a prisoner before.
When they came to call the jury they didn't all
answer; so says the sheriff to me, walk in the box,
sir, — you, sir, with the blue coat. Do you indicate
me, sir ? said I. Yes, says he, I do : walk in the
box. I give you thanks, sir, says I, but I'd rather
stand where I be : I've no occasion to sit; and be-
sides, I guess, I must be amovin'. Walk in the
box, sir, said be, and he roared like thunder. And,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE TAUSMAN. 135
says the judge, alookin' up, and Bmilin'and speakin'
as soft as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, you
must walk in the box, sir. Well, says I, to oblige
you, says I, my lord, I will ; but there don't seem
much room in it to walk, I vow. You are called
upon, sir, says tlie judge, as a talisman ; take your
seat in the box, and be silent. If 1 must, says I,
.1 do suppose I must ; but I don't like the office,
and I don't believe I've got a marker about me ;
but if you've are a piece of chalk about you, you
could give me, or lend me an old pencil, I'll try to
cypher it as well as I can, and do my possibles to
give you satisfaction, my lord. What are you
atalkin' about, sir! said he; — what do you mean by
such nonsense ? Why, says I, my lord, I've been
told that in this country, and indeed I know it is
the practice all over oum for the jury to chalk,
that is, every man chalks down on the wall his
vote ; one man ten pounds, one twenty, another
thirty, and another five pounds, and so ; and then
they add them all up, and divide by twelve, and
that makes the vardict. Now, if I'm to be talys-
man, says I, and keep count, I'll chalk it as
straight as a bootjack. The judge throwed him-
self back in his chur, and tumin' to the sheriff,
says he, is it possible, Mr. Sheriff, that such an
abominable practice as this exists in this country ?
or that people, onder the solemn obligation of an
oath, can conduct themselves with so much levity
as to make their vardict depend upon chance, and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
136 THE CLOCKtlAKCR.
not upon reason ? If I was to know an instance
of the kind, said he, — and he looked battle, murder
and sudden death, — I'd both fine and imprison the
jury; — I would by— —(and he gave the corner,
of his mouth a twist jist in time to keep in an
oath that was on the tip of his tongue,) and he
hesitated a little to think how to get out of the
scrape, — at least I concaited so, — by and with the
full consent of ray brethren on the bench.
I have my supicions, said the Clockmaker, that
the judge had heerd tell of that practice afore, and
was only waitin' for a complaint to take notice of it
rigular-like, for them old judges are as cunnin' as
foxes ; and if he had, I must say he did do the sur-
prise very well, for he looked all struck up of a
heap, like a vessel taken aback with a squall, agoin'
down starn foremost.
Who is thrit man? said he. I am a clockmaker,
sir, said 1. 1 didn't ask youwhat you where, sir, says
he, acolorin' up ; I asked you who you were. I'm
Mr. Samuel Slick of Slickville, sir, says I ; a clock-
maker from Onion County, State of Connecticut,
in the United States of America. You are exempt,
said he, — you may walk out of the box. Thinks I
to myself, old chap, next time you want a talisman,
take one of your own folks, will you ? Well, when
I looked up to the prisoner, sure enough I seed he
was one of our citizens, one " Expected Thome,"
of our town, an endless villain, that had been two
or three times in the State's prison. The case was
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE TAUSHAN. 137
& very plain one. Captain Billy Slocnm produced a
watch, which he said was hisn ; he said he went out
arter dinner, leavin' his watch ahangin' up over the
mantel piece, and when he retunied to tea it was
gone, and that it was found in Expected Thome's
possession. Long afore the evidence was gone
through, I seed he was guilty, the villain. There is
a sort of freemasonry in hypocrasy, squire, you may
depend. It has its signs and looks by which the
brotherhood know each other; and as charity
hopeth all things, and for^veth all things, these
appeals of the elect to each other from the lowest
depths of wocj whether conveyed by the eye, the
garb, or the tongue, are seldom made in vain.
Expected had seed too much of the world, I
estimate, not to know that. If he hadn't his go-
to-meetin' dress and looks on this day to tlie jury,
it's a pity. He had his hairs combed down as
straight as a horse's main; a little thin white cravat,
nicely plaited and tied plain, garnished his neck, as
a white towel does a dish of calve's head, — a stand-
in' up collar to his coat gave it the true cut, and the
gilt buttons covered with cloth eschewed the gaudy
ornaments of sinful, carnal man. He looked as de-
mure as a harlot at a christenin*,— drew down the
comers of his mouth, so as to contract the trumpet
of his nose, and give thfi right base twang to the
voice, and turned up the whites of his eyes, as if
they had been in the habit of lookin' in upon the
inner man for self-examination and reproach. Oh,
be looked like a martyr; jist Uke a man who would
Digitiioflb/Google
138 THE CLOCKHAKFJt.
suffer death for conscience sake, and forgive his
inemies with his dyin' breath.
Gentlemen of the jury, s&ys Expected, I am a
stranger and a sojourner in this land, but I have
many friends and received mocfa hindness, thanks
be to divine Providence for all his goodness to me
a sinner : and I don't make no doubt that tho* I
be a stranger, his lordship's honor will, under Pro-
vidence, see justice done to me. The last time I
was to Captain Billy's house I seed his watch, and
that it was out of order, and I offered to clean it
and repair it for him for nothin', free gratis ; — that
I can't prove. But I'll tell you what / can
prove, and it's a privilege for which I deure
to render thanks ; that when that gentleman, the
constable, came to me, and said be came about the
watch, I said to him, right out at once, " She's
cleaned, says I, but wants regulatin' ; if Captain
Bdly is in a hurry for her he can have her, but he
had better leave her two or three days to get die
right beat." And never did I deny havin' it, as a
guilty man would have done. And, my lord, s^d
he, and gentlemen of the jury (and he turned up
his ugly cantin' mug full round to the box) — I trust
I know too well the awful account I must one day
give of the deeds done in the flesh to peril my im-
mortal soul for vain, idle, sinful toys; and he held
up his hands together, and looked upwards till his
eyes turned in like them are ones in a marble
statue, and his hps kept amovin' some time as if
be was lost in inward prayer.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE TAUSHAN. 139
Well, the constable proved it word for word, and
the judge said it did appear that there was some
mistake ; at all events it did not appear there was
evidence of a felonious takin', and he was acquitted.
As soon as it was over, Expected comes to me in
the comer, and, says he, quite bold like, Mornin'
Slick, how do you do ? And then whisperin'in my
ear, says he, Didn't I do 'em pretty ? cuss 'em, —
that's all. Let old Connecticut alone yet — she's
too much for any on 'em, I know. The truth is,
the moment I seed that cussed critter, that consta-
ble acomin', I seed his arrand with half an eye, and
had that are story ready-tongued and grooved for
him as quick as wink. Says I, I wish they had
ahanged you, with all my heart; it's such critters
as you that lower the national character of our free
and enlightened citizens, and degrade it in the eyes
of foreigners. The eyes of foreigners be d !
said he. Who cares what they think f — and as for
these blue-noses, they ain't able to think. They
ain't got two ideas to bless themselves with — the
stupid,punkin-headed, consaitedblockheadsl— cuss
me if they have. Well, says I, they ain't such an
enlightened people as we are, that's sartain, but
that don't justify you a bit; you hadn't ought to
have stolen that watch. That was wrong, very
wrong indeed. You might have traded with him,
and got it for half nothin' ; or bought it and failed,
as some of our importin' marchants sew up the
soft-homed British ; or swapped it and forgot to
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
140 THE CLOCKHAKER.
give the exchange ; or bought it and ^re your
note, and cat stick afore the note became due.
There's a thousand ways o£ doin' it honestly and
legally, without resortin', as foreigners do, to steal-
in". We are a moral people — a religious, a high-
minded, and a high-spirited people ; and can do
any and all the nations of the uniTarsal world out
of anything, in the hundred of millions of clever
shifts there are in trade; but as for stealin', I dispise
it : it's a low, blackguard, dirty, mean action ; and
I must say you're a disgrace to our ^reat nation.
An American cilizen never ttealt, he ontg gaint the
advatUage!
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XI.
ITALIAN PAINTINOB.
The next morning we resumed our journey, and
travelling through the toivnship of Clements, and
crossing Moose and Bear rivers, reached Digby
early in the afternoon. It was a most delightful
drive. When we left Annapolis the fog was slowly
rising frora the low grounds and resting on the
hills to gather itself up for a flight into upper air,
disclosing, as it departed, ridge after ridge of the
Granville Mountain, which lay concealed in its
folds, and gradually revealing the broad and beau-
tiful basin that extends from the town to Digby.
I am too old now for romance, and, what is worse,
I am corpulent. I find, as I grow stout, 1 grow less
imaginative. One cannot serve two masters. I
longed to climb the mountain peak, to stand where
Champlain stood, and imagine the scene as it then
was, when his prophetic eye caught revelations of
the future ; to visit the holy well where the rite of
baptism was first performed in these provinces ; to
trace the first encampments, — the ruins of the rude
fortifications, — the first battle-ground. But, alas !
tbe day is gone. I must leave the field to more
youthful competitors. I can gratify my eye as I
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
142 THE CLOCKMAKER.
drire along the road, but I must not venture into
tTie^ forest. The natural Ice house,— the cascade,
— the mountain lake, — the beaver's dam, — the
General's bridge, — the apocryphal Rossignol, —
the iron mines, — and last, not least, the Indian
antiquities, — in short, each and all of the lions of
this interesting place, that require bodily exertion
to be seen,— I leave to succeeding travellers, I
visit men, and not places. Alas ! has it come to
this at last, — to gout and port wine ? Be it so : —
I will assume the privilege of old age, and talk.
At a short distance from the town of Annapolis
we passed the Court House, the scene of Mr.
Slick's adventures the preceding day, and found a
crowd of country people assembled about the door.
More than a hundred horses were tied to the
fences on either side of the road, and groups of
idlers were seen scattered about on thelawn, either
discussing the last verdict, or anticipating the jury
in the next.
I think, said Mr. Slick, we have a right to boast
ofthejusticiaryofour two great nations J foryoum
is a great nation, — that is a fact; and if all your
colonies were joined together, and added on to Old
England, she would be most as great a nation as
ourn. Ycm have good reason to be proud of your
judiciary, said I; if profound learning, exalted ta-
lent, and inflexible integrity, can make an esta-
blishment respectable, the Supreme Court of the
United States is pre-eminently so; and I have
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe ■
ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 14S
hearcl, from those who have the honour of their
acquaintance, that the judges are no less distin-
guished for their private worth thau their public
virtues. I rejoice that it is so, for 1 consider the
justiciary of America as its sheet-anchor. Amidst
the incessant change of men and institutions so
conspicuous there, this forma a solitary exception.
To the permanency and extensive power of this
court you are indebted for the only check you
possess, either to popular tumult or arbitrary power,
affording, as it does, the only effectual means of
coDtroUing the conflicts of the local and general
governments, and rendering their movements re-
gular and harmonious.
It is so, said he ; but your courts and oum are
both tarred with the same stick, — they move too
slow. I recollect, once I was in old Kentuck,
and a judge was sentincin' a man to death for
murder : says he, " Sooner or later punishment is
sure to overtake the guilty man. The law moves
slow, but it is sure and aartin. Justice has been
represented with a heel of lead, from its slow and
measured pace, but its band is a hand of iron, and
its blow is death." Folks said it was a beautifiil
idea that, and every chap that you met said, Ain't
that splendid ?^^did ever old Mansfield or Ellen
Borough come up to that ?
Well, says I, they might come up to that, and
not go very far neitlier. A funny sort o' figure of
justice that; when it's so plaguy heavy-heeled
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
144 THE CLOCKHAKER.
most any one can outrun it ; and when its great
iron fist strikesi so uncommon slow, a chap that* s
any way spry is e'en a'most sure to give it the
dodge. No ; they ought to clap on moie steam.
The French courts are the courts for me. I had
8 case once in Marsailles, and if the judge didn't
turn it out of hand ready hooped and headed in
less than no time, it's a pity. But I believe I must
first tell you how I came for to go there.
In the latter eend of the year twenty-eight, I
think it was, if my memory sarres me, I wan in my
little back studio to Slickville, with off coat, apron
on, and sleeves up, as busy as a bee, abronzin' and
^Idin' of a clock case, when old Snow, the nigger
help, popped in his bead in a most a terrible con-
llustrigation, and says he. Master, says he, if there
ain't Massa Governor and the Gineral at the door,
as I'm alive ! what on wrth shall I say ? Welt
says I, they have caught me at a nonplush, that's
sartain ; but there's no help for it as 1 see, — show
'em in. Momin', says I, gentlemen, bow do you
do ? I am sorry, says I, I didn't know of this
pleasure in time to have received you respectfully.
You have taken me at a short, that's a fact ; and
the worst of it is,— I can't shake hands along with
you neither, for one hand, you see, is all covered
with isle, and f other with copper bronze. Don't
mention it, Mr. Slick, said his excellency, I beg
of you ; — the fine arts do sometimes require deter-
gants, and there is no help for it. But that's a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ITAUAN PAINTINGS. 145
most a beautiful thing, said he, you are adoin' of;
may I presume to chatichise what it is ? Why,
said I, governor, that landscape on the right, with
the great white two-story house in it, havin' a
washin' tuh of apple sarce on one side, and a cart
chockfull of punkin pies on t'other, with the gold
letters A. P. over it, is intended to represent this
land of promise, our great country, Amerika; and
the gold letters A. P. initialise it Airthly Paradise.
Well, says he, who is that he one on the left ? — I
didn't intend them letters H and E to indicate he
at all, said I, tho' I see now they do ; I guess I
must alter that. That tall graceful figur', says I,
with wings, carryin' a long Bowie knife in his right
hand, and them small winged figures in the rear,
with little rifies, are angels emigratin' from heaven
to this country. H and E means heavenly emi-
grants.
It's alle — $0 — ry. — And a beautiful alle — go — ry
it is, said he, and well calculated to ^ve foreigners
a correct notion of our young growin' and great Re-
public. It is a fine conception that. It is worthy
of West. How true to life — how much it conveys
— how many chords it strikes I It addresses the
heart — it's splendid.
Hallo! says I to myself, what's all this? It made
me look up at him. Thinks I to myself, you laid
that soft sawder on pretty thick anyhow. I wonder
whether you are in rael right down aimest, or whe-
ther you are only arter a vote. Says he, Mr. Slick,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
146 THE CLOCKHAKER.
it was on the subject of picturs we called. If s a
thing I'm enthusiastic upon myself; but my official
duties leave me no time to fraternise with the
brush. I've been actilly six weeks adoin' of a
bunch of grapes on a chair, and it's not yet done.
The department of paintin' in our Atheneum, — in
this risin' and flourishin' town of Shckviile — is
placed under the direction of the gineral and my-
self, and we propose detailin' you to Italy to pur-
chase some originals for our gallery, seein' that you
are a na^ii^£ artist yourself, and have more practical
experience than most of our citizens. There is a
great aspiration among our free and enlightened
youth for perfection, whether in the arts or sciences.
Your expenses v ill be paid, and eight dollars a day
while absent on this diplomacy. One tiling, how-
ever, do pray remember, don't bring any picturs
that will evoke a blush on female cheeks, or cause
vartue to stand afore 'em with averted eyes or indig-
nant looks. The statues imported last year we
had to clothe, both male and female, from head to
foot, for they actilly came stark naked, and were
right down ondecent. One of my factory ladies
went into fits on seein' 'em, that lasted her a good
hour : she took Jupiter for a rael human, and said
she thought that she had got into a bathin' room,
among the men, by mistake. Her narvcs received
a heavy shock, poor critter; she said she never
would forget what she seed there the longest day
she lived. So none o' your Putiphar's wives, or
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
ITALIAN PAINTIKGS. 14?
Susannahs, or sleepin' Venuaes ; such pictars are
repugnant to the high tone o' moral feelin' in this
country.
Oh Lord! I thought I should have split; I
darsn't look up, for fear I should abust out alarfin'
in his &ce, to hear him talk so spooney about that
are factory gaU. Thinks I to myself, how delicate
she is, ain't she 1 If a common marble statue
threw her into fits, what would ? And here
he laughed so immoderately, it was for some time
before he resumed intelligibly his story.
Well, says he at last, if there is one thing I hate
more nor another, it is that cussed mock modesty
sorae galls have, preteudin' they don't know no-
thin'. It always shows they know too much.
Now, says his excellency, a pictur*, Mr. Slick, may
exhibit great skill and great beauty, and yet display
very little flesh beyond the face and the hands.
You apprehend me, don't you ? A nod's as good
as a wink, says I, to a blind horse : if I can't see
thro' a ladder, I reckon I'm not fit for that mission;
and, says I,tho' I say it myself, that shouldn't say
it, I must say, I do account myself a considerable
of a judge of these matters, — I won't turn my back
on any one in my line in the Union. I think so,
said he ; the alle — go — ry you jist show'd me, dis-
plays taste, tact, and a consummate knowledge of
the art. Without genius there can be no invention,
— no plot without skill, and no character without
the power of discrimination. I should like to asso-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
14S THE CLOCKHAKER.
ciate with you Ebenezer Peck, the SUckville poet,
in this diplomatic mission, if our funds authorised
the exercise of this constitutional power of the exe-
cu^TC committee, for the fine arts are closely allied,
Mr. Slick. Poetry is the music of words, music is
the poetry of sounds, and paintin' is tlie poetry Oi
colours ; — what a sweet, intereatin' family they be,
lun't they ? We must locate, domesticate, accli-
mate and fratemate Giem among us. Conceivin'
an elective governor of a free and enlightened peo-
ple to rank afore an hereditary prince, 1 have given
you letters of introduction to the £ystalian princes
and the Pope, and have offered to reciprocate their
attentions should they visit SUckville. Farewell,
my friend, farewell, and fail not to sustain the dig-
nity of this great and enlightened nation abroad-
farewell !
A very good man, the governor, and a genawitte
patriot too, said Mr. Slick. He knowed a good
deal about paintin', for he was a sign-painter by
trade ; but he often used to wade out too deep, and
got over his head now and then afore he knowed
it. He wam't the best o' swimmers neither, and
sometimes I used to be scared to death for fear
he'd go for it afore he'd touch bottom ag'in. Well,
off I sot in a vessel to Leghorn, and I hud out there
three thousand dollars in picturs. Rum-lookin' old
cocks them saints, some on 'em too with their long
beards, bald heads, and hard featurs, bean't they ?
but I got a lot of 'em of all sizes. I bought two Ma-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 149
donnas, I think they call them — beautiful little pic-
turs they were too, — but the child's l^s were so
naked and ondecent, that to please the governor
and his factory galls, I had an artist to paint
trousers, and a pair of lace boots on him. and they
look quite genteel now. It improved 'em amaz-
inly ; but the best o' the joke was those Macaroni
rascals, seein' me a stranger, thought to do me
nicely (most infamal cheats them dealers too, —
walk right into you afore you know where you be.)
The older a pictur' was, and the more it was
blacked, so you couldn't see the figurs, the more
they axed for it ; and they'd talk and jabber away
about their Tittyan tints and Guido airs by the
hour. How soft we are, ain't we ? said I. Catch
a weasel asleep, will you ? Second-hand farniture
don't suit our market. We want picturs, and not
things that look a plaguy sight more like the shut-
ters of an old smoke house than paintins, and I
hope 1 may be shot if I didn't get bran new ones
for half the price they axed for them rusty old
veterans. Our folks were well pleased with the
shipment, and I ought to be too, for I made a trifle
in the discount of fifteen per cent for comin' down
handsum' with the cash on the spot. Our Athe-
neum is worth seein', I tall you ; you won't ditto i
easy, I know ; it's actilly a sight to behold.
But I was agoin' to tell you about the French
court. Alter I closed the consam about the pic-
tors, and shipped 'em off in a Cape codder that was
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ISO THS CLOCKHAKER,
there, I fell in with some of our folks on their way
to London, where I had to go to afore I returned
home, so, says I, s'pose we hire a vessel in Co.
and go by water to Marsailles ; we'll get on faster
and considerable cheaper too, I calculate, than
agoin' by land. Well, we hired the EyetaMano to
take us, and he was to find us in bed, board, and
liquor, and we paid him one-third in advance, to
enable him to do it genteel ; but the everlastin'
villain, as soon as he got us out to sea, gave us no
bed-clothes and notbin' to eat, and we almost
perished with hunger and damp ; so when we got
to Marsailles, Meo friendo, says I, for I had
picked up a little £j/etalian, meo fiiendo, comma
longo alia courto, will you ? and I took him by the
scruffofthe neck andtoated him into court. Where
is de pappia ? says a little skip-jack of a French
judge, that was chock full of grins and grimaces
like a monkey arter a pinch of snuff,— where is de
pappia } So I handed him up the pappia signed by
the master, and then proved how he cheated us. No
sooner said than done. Mount Shear Bullfirog gave
the case in our favour in two twos, said Eyetaiiano
had got too much already, cut him off the other two
thirds, and made him pay all costs. If be didn't
look bumsquabbled it's a pity. It took the rust off
of him pretty sbck, you may depend.
Begar, he says to the skipper, you keep de bar-
gain next time ; you von very grand damne rogue,
and he shook his head and grinned like a crocodile.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 151
from ear to ear, all moutli and t«eth. You may de-
pend, I wam't long at Marsailles arter that. 1 cut
stack and off, hot foot for the channel without stop-
ping to water the horses or liquor the drivers, for
fear £yetaliano would walk into my ribs with his
stiletto, for he was as savage as a white bear afore
breakl^t. Yes, our courts move too slow. It was
that ruinated Expected Thome. The first Ume be
was taken up and sent to jail, he was as innocent
as a child, but they kept him there so long afore
his trial, it broke bis spirits, and broke his pride,
— and he canae out as wicked as a deviL The
great secret is speedy justice. We have too much
machinery in our courts, and I don't see but what
we prize juries beyond their rael valy. One half
the time with ua they don't onderstand a thing, and
the other half they are prejudiced. True, said I, but
they are a great safeguard to liberty, and indeed
the only one in all cases between the government
and the people The executive can never tyrannise
where they cannot convict, and juries never lend
themselves to oppression. Tho' a corrupt minister
may appoint corrupt judges, he can never corrupt
a whole people. Well, said he, far be it from me to
say they are no use, because I know and feel that
they be in sartain cases most invaluable, but I
mean to say that they are only a drag on business,
and an expensive one too, one half the time. 1
want no better tribunal to try me or my cases than
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
152 THE CLOCKHAKER.
our supreme judges to Washington, and all I would
az is a resarved right to hare a jury when I call for
one. That right I never would yield, but that is
all I would ax. You can see how the lawyers
Taly each by the way they talk to 'em. To the
court theyare as cool as cucumbers, — dryargument,
sound reasonin', an application to judgment. To
the jury, all fire and tow and declamations, — all to
the passions, prejudices, and feelins. The one they
try to convince, they try to rfo the other. I never
heerd tell of judges chalkin'. I know brother Jo-
siah the lawyer thinks so too. Says he to me
once, Sam, says he, they ain't suited to the times
now in all cases, and are only needed occasionally.
fVhen Juriet fir»t came into vogue there were no
judges, but the devil of it is, when public opinion runs
all one way in this country, you might jist as well
try to swim up Niagara as to go for to stem it, — it
will roll you over and over, and squash you to death
at last. You may say what you like here, Sam,
but other folks may do what they like here too.
Many a man has had a goose's jacket lined with
tar here, that he never bought at the ttulor's, and a
tight fit it is too, considerin' its made without mea-
surin'. So as I'm for Congress some day or an-
other, why 1 jist fall to and flatter the people by
chimin' in with them. I get up on a stump, or the
top of a whiskey barrel, and talk ^ big as ony on 'em
about that birth-right — that sheet anchor, that
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ITALIAN PAINTINGS. 15S
mainstay, that blessed shield, that glorious institu-
tion — the rich man's terror, the poor man's hope,
the people's pride, the nation's glory — Trial by
Jury.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XII.
flHAUPOOINO TRE ENGLISH.
DiOBT U a charming little town. It is the Brighton
of Nova Scotia, the resort of the valetudinarians of
New Brunswick, who take refuge here from the
unrelenting fogs, hopeless sterility, and calcareous
waters of St. John. About as pretty a location
this for business, said the Clockmalcer, as I know
on in this country. Digbyis the only safe harbour
from Blowmedown to Briar Island. Then there is
that everlastin' long river, runnin' away up from
the wharfes here almost across to Minas Basin,
bordered with dikes and interval, and backed up
by good upland. A nice, dry, pleasant place for a
town, with good water, good air, and the best her-
rin' fishery in America, but it wants one thing to
make it go ahead. And pray what is that ? said I,
for it appears to me to have every natural advan-
tage that can be desired. It wants to be made a .
free port, said he. They ought to send a delegate
to England about it; but the feet is, they don't
onderstand diplomacy here, nor the English either.
They hav'n't got no talents that way.
I guess we may stump the univarse in that line.
Our statesmen, I consait, do onderstand it. They
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SHAMPOOING THE ENGLISH. 155
go about so beautiful, tack so veil, sail so close by
the wind, make so little lee-way, shoot ahead so
fast, draw so little water, keep the lead agoin' con-
stant, and a bright look-out ahead always j it's
very seldom you hear o' them runnin' aground, I
tell you. Hardly anything; they take in hand they
don't succeed in. How glib they are in the tongue
too ! how they do lay in the soft sawder ! They do
rub John Bull down so pretty, it does one good to
see 'em : they pat him on the back, and stroke him
on the cheek, and coax and wheedle and flatter,
till they get him as good-natured as possible. Then
they jist get what they like out of him ; not a word
of a threat to Aim tho', for they know it won't do.
He'd as soon fight as eat his dinner, and sooner
too, but they tickle him, as the boys at Cape Ann
sarve the bladder fish. There's a fish comes ashore
there at ebb tide, that the boys catch and tickle,
and the more they tickle him the more he fills with
wind. Well, he gets blowed up as full as he can
hold, and then they just turn him up and give him
a crack across the belly with a stick, and off he goes
like a pop-gun, and then all the little critters run
hoopin' and hallowin' like ravin* distracted mad,^
so pleased with foolin' the old fish.
There are no people in the univarsal world so
eloquent as the Americans; they beat the an-
cients ail hollor; and when our diplomatists go for
to talk it into the British, they do it so pretty, it's
a sight to behold. Descended, they say, from a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
156 THE CLJOCKIUKES.
common stock, havin' one common language and a
community ofinteretti, they cannot but hope for
justice from a power distinguiahed alike for its
honour and its generosity. Indebted to them for
the spirit of Uberty they enjoy, — for thdr laws,
literature, and religion, — they feel more like allies
than aliens, and more like relatives than either.
Though unfortunate occurrences may have drawn
them asunder, with that frankness and generosity
peculiar to a brave and generous people, both na-
tions have now forgotten and forgiven the past, and
it is the duty and the interest of each to cultivate
these amicable relations, now so happily existing,
and to draw closer those bonds which unite two
people essentially the s:ime in habits and feelings.
Though years have rolled by since they left the
paternal roof, and the ocean divides them, yet they
cannot but look back at the home beyond the
waters with a grateful remembrance, — with vene-
ration and respect.
Now tbaf s what I call dictionary, sfud the Clock-
nnaker. It's splendid penmanship, ain't it? When
John Adams was minister at the Court of St.
Jimes's, how his weak eye would have sarved him
a' utterin' of this galbanum, wouldn't it ? He'd turn
round to hide emotion, draw forth his handkerchief
and wipe off a manly tear of genuu^tne feehn*. It
is easy enough to stand a woman's tears, for they
weep like children, everlastin' sun-showers; they
cry as bad as if they used a chesnut burr for an
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SHAMPOOING THE ENGLISH. 157
eyestone ; but to see the tear drawn from the stam
natur' of man, startin' at the biddin' of generous
feehn', there's no standin' that. Oh dear ! how
John Bull swallers this soft sawder, don't he ? I
think I see him astandin' with his hands in his
trousers-pockets, alookin' as hig as all out-doors,
and as sour as cider sot out in the san for vinegar.
At first he looks suspicious and sulky, and then
one haughty frown relaxes, and then another, and
so on, till all stamness is gone, and his whole face
wears one great benevolent expression, like a fiill
moon, till you can eye him without winkin', and
lookin' about as intelligent all the time as a skim
milk cheese. Arter his stare is gone, a kind o*
look comes over his face as if he thought, Well, now,
this d d Yankey sees his error at last, and no
mistake ; that comes o* that good Uckin' I gave him
last war; there's nothin' like fightin' things out.
The critter seems humble enough now tho' ; give
me your fist, Jonathan, my boy, says he; don't look
Bo cussed dismal ; what is it >
Oh, nothin', says our diplomatist ; a mere trifle,
and he tries to look as onconsarned as possible all
the time ; nothin' but what your sense of justice,
for which you are always distinguished, will grant;
a little strip of land, half fog, half bog, atween
the State of Maine and New Brunswick ; it's
nothin' but wood, water, and snakes^ and no bigger
than Scotland. Take it, and say no more about
it, says John; I hope it will be accepted as a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
158 THE CLOCKHAKER.
proof of my regard. I don't think nothin' of half
a colony. And then when our cliap gets home
to the President, don't he say, as Expected Thome
did of the Blue-nose jury, " Didn't I do him
pretty ? cuts him, that't all."
Then he takes Mount-Sheer on another tack.
He desires to express the gratitude of a free and
enlightened people to the French, — their first ally,
their de:.rest friend, — for enablin' them, under Pro-
vidence, to lay the foundation-stoneof their coun-
try. They never can forget how kindly, how distnte-
resteilly, they stept'in to aid their infant struggles,
— to assist them to resist the unnateral tyranny of
England, who, while affectin' to protect liberty
abroad, was enslavin' her children to home. No-
thin' but the purest feelin', unalloyed by any jea-
lousy of England, dictated that step ; it emanated
from a virtuous indignation at seein' the strong op-
press the weak, — from a love of constitutional free-
dom, — from pure philanthropy. How deeply is
seated in American breasts a veneration of the
French character ! how they admire their sincerity,
— their good faith, — their stability! Well may
they be called the Grand Nation ! Religious, not
bigoted — brave, not rash — dignified, not volatile —
great, yet not vain ! Magnanimous in success, — ■
cheerful and resolved under reverses, — they form
the beau-ideal to American youth, who are taught,
in their first lessons, to emulate, and imitate, and
venerate the virtues of their character ! Don't it
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SHAMPOOINQ THE ENGLISH. J 59
run off the tongue like ile ? Soft and slick, ain't
it pretty talk )
Lord ! how Mount-Sheer skips, and hops, and
bows, and smirks when he hears that are, don't he?
How he claps his hand upon his heart, and makes
faces like a monkey that's got a pain in his side
from swallerin' a nut without crackin' it. With
all other folks but these great powers, it" s a very
diiFerent tune they sing. They make short metre
with them little powers ; they never take the
trouble to talk much ; they jist make their de-
mands, and as them for their answer, right off
the reel. If they say, let us hear your reasons,
Oh ! by all means, says our diplomatist, jist come
along with me ; and he takes the minister under his
arm, walks lock and lock with him down to the
harbour, claps him aboard a barge, and rows him
off to one of our little hundred gun sloops of war.
Pretty little sloop o' war, that of oum, I reckon,
ain't it f says he. Oh ! very pretty, very pretty,
indeed, says foreigner ; but if that be your liltle
sloop, what must be your great Hg men-o'-war ?
That's just what I was agoin' for to say, says Jona-
than, — a Leviathan, a Mammoth, blow all creation
to atoms a'most, like a harricane tipt with light-
nin', and then he looks up to the capt^n and nods.
Says he, captain, I guess you may run out your
guns, and he runs them out as quick as wink.
These are my reasons, says Jonathan, and pretty
strong arguments too, I guess; that's what I call
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
160 THE CLOCKMAKE.B.
shewin' our teeth ; and now you, mister, with a
d n h&rd name, your answer, if you please.
You don't understand us, I see, foreigner ; we got
chaps in our country, that can stand on one side of
the Mississippi, and kill a racoon on f other side,
with a sneeze, — rigular ring-tail roarers ; don't pro-
voke us; it wouldn't be oversafe, I assure you.
We can out-talk thunder, out-run a flash of light-
nin', and out-reach all the world — we can whip
our weight of wild cats. The British can lick all
the world, and we can lick the British. I believe,
I believe, says he, and he claps his name to the
treaty in no time. We made these second-class
gentry shell out a considerable of cash, these few
years past, on one excuse or another, and Mght-
ened some on them, as the naked statue did the
factory gall, in fits a'most. But the English we
have to soft sawder, for they've got little sloops of
war, too, as well as we have ; and not only show
their teeth, but bite like bull-dogs. We shampoo
them, — you knowwhat shampooing is, squire, don't
you } It ia an eastern custom, I think, said I : I
hare heard of it, but I do not retain a very distinct
recollection of the practice. Well, said the Clock-
maker, I estimate I ought to know what it means
any how : for I came plaguy nigh losin' my hfe by
it once. When I was jist twenty years old, I took
it into my head I'd like to go to sea, — so father got
me a berth of supercargo of a whaler at New Bed-
ford, and away we went arter sperm : an amazin'
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
SHAMPOOING THE ENGUSH. 161
long voyage we had of it too — gone nearly three
years. Well, we put into Sandwich Island for
reireshments ; and, says the captain, 'Spose we go
and call on the queen ! So all us cabin party went,
and dressed ourselves up full fig, and were intro-
duced in due form to the young queen. Well, she
was a rael, right down, pretty lookin' heifer, and
no mistake ; well-dressed and well-demeaned, and
a plaguy sight cleaner skinn'd than some white folks
— for they bathe every day a'most. Where you'd
see one piece of famiture better than her, you'll
see fifty worser ones, / know.
What is your father, Mr. Shleek ? says she. A
prince, marm, said I. And his"!! ugly man's ? says
she, p'intin' to the captain. A prince too, said I,
and all this party are princesj fathers all sovereigns
to home, — nobi^er men than them, neither there
nor anywhere else in the univarsal world. Then,
said she, you all dine wid me to-day; me proud to
have de prinches to my table.
If she did'nt give us a regular blow-out ifs a
pity, and the whole on us were more than half-
seas over : for my part the hot mulled wine actilly
made me feel like a prince, and what put me in
tip top spirits was the idee of the hoax I played off
on her about our bein' princes ; and then my rosy
cheeks and youth pleased her fancy, so that she
was oncommon civil to me— talked to no one else
a'most. Well, when we rose from table, (for she
stayed there till the wine made her eyes twinkle
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
162 THE CLOCKUAKER.
ag'in,) Prince Shieek, said she, atakin' o* my hand,
and puttin' her sarcy little mug close up to me,
(and she raelly did look pretty, all smiles and
sweetness,) Prince Shieek, will you have one sham-
poo ? said she. A shampoo ? stud I ; to be sure I
will, and thank you too ; you are jist the gall I'd
like to shampoo, and I clapt my arms round her
neck, and gave her a buss that made all ring agtun.
What the devil are you at ? said the captain, and
he seized me round the wiust and lugged me off.
Do you want to lose your head, you fool, you ? said
he; you've carried this joke too far already without
this rompin' — go abo&rd. It was lucky for me she
had a wee drop in her eye herself — for arter the
first scream she larfed ready to split ; says she. No
kissy. — no kissy — shampoo is sham poo, hut kissyis
anoder ting. The noise brought the sarvants in,
and says the queen p'intin' to me, " shampoo
him" — and they up with me, and into another
room, and before 1 could say Jack Robinson, oS
went my clothes, and 1 was gettin' shampoo'd in
airnest. It is done by a gentle pressure, and rub-
bin' all over the body with the hand ; it is delight-
ful, — that's a fact, and I was soon asleep.
I was pretty well corned that arternoon, but still
I knew what I was about ; and recollected when I
awoke the whisper of the captain at partin' — " Mind
your eye, Slick, if ever you want to see Cape Cod
ag'in." So, airly next momin', while it was quite
mooney yet, I went aboard, and the captain soon
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SHAMPOOING THE ENGUSH. 163
put to sea, bat not before there came a boat-load of
pigs and two bullocks off to " Prince Shleek." So
our diplomatists idham poo the English, and put 'em
to sleep. How beautiful they shampoo'd them in
the fishery story I It was agreed we was to fish
within three leagues of the coast ; but then, says
Jonathan, wood and water, you know, and shelter,
when it blows like great guns are rights of hospi-
tahty. You wouldn't refuse us a. port in a storm,
would you ? so noble, so humane, so liberal, so
confidin' as you be. Sartainly not, says John Bull ;
it would be inhuman to refuse either shelter, wood,
or water. Well, then, if there was are a snug little
COTC not settled, disarted like, would you have any
objection to our dryin' our fish there ? — they might
spile, you know, so far from home ; — a little act of
kindness like that, would bind us to you for ever
and ever, and amen. Certainlvj says John, it is
very reasonable that — you are perfectly welcome
— happy to oblige you. It was all we wanted, an
excuse for enterin', and now we are in and out
when we please, and smuggle like all vengeance :
got the whole trade and the whole fishery. It was
splendidly done, warn't it ?
Weil, then, we did manage the boundary line
capitally too. We know we havn't got no title to
that land — it wasn't given to us by the treaty, and
it warn't in our possession when we declared in-
dependence or made peace. But our maxim is, it
is better to get things by treaty than by war : it is
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
164 THE CLOCKMAKER.
more ChrisHan-like, and more intellectual. To gain
that land, we asked the navigation of the St. Law-
rence, and the St. John, which we knew would
never be granted ; but then it gave us somethin'
to concede on our part, and brag on as liberal,
and it is nateral and right for the English to con-
cede on their side somethin' too, — so they will
concede the disputed territory.
Ah, squire, siud he, your countrymen may have a
good heart, and I believe they have ; indeed, it
would be strange if a full puss didn't make a fiill
heart; but they have a most plaguy poor head,
that's a fact. — ^This was rather too bad. To be first
imposed upon and then ridiculed, was paying ra-
ther too heavy a penalty for either negligence or
ignorance. There was unhappily too much truth
in the remark forme to join in the laugh. If your
diplomatists, said I, have in one or two instances
been successful by departing from the plain intelli-
gible path, and resorting to flattery and cunning,
(arts in which I regret to say diplomatists of all
nations are but too apt to indulge,) it is a course
which carries its own cure : and, by raising suspi-
cion and distrust, will hereafter impose difficultjes
in their way even when their objects are legitimate
and just. 1 should have thought that the lesson
read on a celebrated occasion {which you doubtless
remember) by Mr. Canning, would have dictated
the necessity of caution for the future. — Recollect
that confidence once withdrawn is seldom restored
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SHAMPOOING THE ENOUSH. 165
again. Tou have, however, omitted to state your
policy Tpith Russia. — Oh 1 said he. Old Nick in the
North is sarved in the same way.
Excuse me, said I, (for I felt piqued,} but if you
will permit me, I will suggest some observations
to you relative to Russia that may not have
occurred to you. Your diplomatists might address
the Emperor thus ; May it please your Majesty,
there is an astonishing resemblance between our
two countries ; in fact there is little or no difference
except in name, — the same cast of countenance,
same family-likeness, same Tartar propensity to
change abode. All extremes meet. You take off
folks' heads without law, so do our mobs. You
send fellows to Siberia, our mobs send them to
the devil. No power on airth can restrain you, no
power on airth can restrain our mobs. You
make laws and break 'em as suits your conve-
nience, so do our lynchers. You don't allow any
one to sport opinions you don't hold, or you stifle
them and their opinions too. It's just so with us ;
our folks forbid all talkin' about niters ; and if a
man forgets himself, he is reminded of it by his
head supportin' his body instead of his heels. You
have got a liquorish mouth for fartile lands beyond
your borders, so have we ; and yet both have got
more land than tenants. You foment troubles
among your neighbours, and then step in to keep
the peace, and hold possession when you get there,
so do we. You are a great slave-holder, so are we.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
166 THE CLOCKMAKER.
Folks accuse you of stealin' Poland, the same libel-
lin' villains accuse us of stealin' Texas, and a desire
to have Canada too ; and yet the one is as much
without foundation as the other. You plant colo-
nies in Tartar lands, and then drive out the owners :
we sarve the Indgians the same way. You have ex-
tarminated some of your enemies, we've extarmi-
nated some of ourn. Some folks say your empire
will split to pieces— it's too big ; the identical same
prophecy they make of us, and one is just about as
likely as tbe other. Every man in Russia must
bow to the pictur' of his Emperor; every man
must bow to the pictur' of our great nation, and
swear through thick and thin he admires it more
nor anything on the face of the airth. Every man
in Russia may say what he likes if he dare, so
he may in the [7-nited States. If foreign news-
papers abusin' Polish matters get into the Rus-
sian mail, the mail is broken open and they are
taken out ; if abolition papers get into the Southern
mail, our folks break open the bags and bum 'em,
as they did at Charleston. The law institutes no
inquiries in your dominions as to your acts of exe-
cution, spoliation and exile ; neither is there any
inquest with us on similar acts of our mobs.
There is no freedom of the press with you, neither
is there with us. If apaper offends you, you stop
it: if it offends our sovereigns, they break the
machinery, gut the house, and throw the types into
the street ; and if the printer escapes, he may
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SHAMPOOIMG THE ENGLISH. 16?
thank Qod for givin' him a good pdr of legs. In
short, they may say to him — it's ginerally allowed
the freedom of one country is as like the despotism
of the other as two peas — no soul could tell the
difference; and therefore there ought to be an
actual as there is a nateral alliance between ns.
And then the cunnin' critters, if they catch him
alone where they won't be overheard, they may soft
sawder him, by tellin' him thev never knew before
the blessin' of havin' only one tyrant instead of a
thousand, and that is an amendment they intend
to propose to the constitution when they return
home, and hope they'll yet live to see it. From this
specimen you may easily perceive that it requires
no great penetration or ability to deceive even an
acute observer, whenever recourse is had to imagi-
nation for the facts. How far this parallel holds
good, I leave you to judge ; 1 desire to offer you
no offence, but 1 wishyou to understand that all
the world are not in love with your republican
institutions or your people, and that both are better
understood than you seem to .suppose. WeU,
well, says hej I didn't mean to ryle you, I do
assure you; but if you hav'n't made a good story
out of a Southern mob or two, neither of which
are half as bad as your Bristol riot or Irish frays,
it's a pity. Arter all, said he, I don't know
whether it wouldn't comport more with our dig-
nity to go strait ahead. I believe it's in poUtics as
in other matters — honesty U the best polity ,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE CLOCKMAKER.
CHAPTER Xm.
L FOOT IN IT.
One amusing tnut in the Clocktiiaker's charac-
ter was his love of contradiction. If you suggested
any objection to the American goverment, he
immediately put himself on the defensive ; and if
hard pressed, extricated himself by changing the
topic. At the same time he would seldom allow
me to pass a eulogy upon it without affecting to
consider the praise as misapplied, and as another
instance of " our not understanding them." In the
course of our conversation, I happened to observe
that the American government was certainly a very
cheap one : and that the economy practised in the
expenditure of the public revenue, tlio' in some
instances carried so far as to border on meanness,
was certainly a very just subject of national pride.
Ah, said he, I always said, " you don't onderstand
us." Now it happens that this is one of the few-
things, if you was only availed of it, that you
could fault us in. It is about the most costly
government in the world, considerin' onr means.
Weareactilly eat up by it— it is a most plaguy
sore, and has spread so like statiee that it has got
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 169
its root into the very core. Cheap government ! —
well, come, that beats all I !
I should like to know, said I, how you can make
that appear, for the salaries paid to your public
officers are not only small but absolutely mean ;
and, in my opinion, wholly inadequate to procure
the services of the best and most efficient men.
Well, said he, which costs most, to keep one good
horse well, or half a dozen poor ones ill, or to keep
ten rael complete good sarvants, or fifty lazy, idle,
do-nothin' critters ? because that's jist our case, —
we have too many of 'em all together. We have
twenty-four independent states, beside the general
government ; we have therefore twenty-five presi-
dents, twenty-five secretaries of state, twenty-five
treasurers, twenty-five senates, twenty-five bouses
of representatives, and fifty attorney-generals, and
all our legislators are paid, every soul of 'em, and
BO are our magistrates, for they all take fees and
seek the office for pay, so that we have as many
paid legislators as soldiers, and as many judges of
all sorts and sizes as sailors in our navy. Put all
these expenses together, of state government, and
general government, and see what an awjiil sum it
comes to, and then tell me if s a cheap gouvem-
ment. True, said I, but you have not that enor-
mous item of expenditure known in England under
the name of half-pay. We have more officers of
the navy on half-pay than you have in your navy
altogether. So much the better for you, says he,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
170 THE CLOCKMAKER.
for oum are all on full pay, and when they ain't
employed we set 'em down as absent on leave.
Which costs the most, do you suppose ? That
comes of not callin' things by their right names,
you see. Our folks know this, but our popularity-
seekin' patriots have all their own interest in
multiplying these offices ; yes, our folks have put
their foot in it : thaf s a fact. They cling to it as
the bear did to Jock Fogler's mill-saw, and I guess
it wiU sarve them the same way. Did I never
tell you that are story? for I'm most afeard some-
times I've got father's fashion of tellin' my stories
over twice. No, said I, it is new to me ; I have
never heard it. Well, says he, I will tell you how
it was.
Jack Fogler lives to Nictau-road, and he keeps
a snw-mill and tavern ; he's a sneezer that feller ;
he's near hand to seven feet high, with shoulders
as broad as a barn-door ; he is a giant, that's a
fact, and can twitch a mill-log as easy as a yoke of
oxen can— nothin' never stops him. But that's
not all, for I've seen a man as big as all out doors
afore him ; but he has a foot that beats all — folks
call him the man with the foot. The first time I
seed him I could not keep my eyes off of it. I
actiUy could not think of anything else. Well,
says I, Jack, your foot is a whopper, thaf s a fact ;
I never seed the beat of that in all my born days,
^t beats Gasper Zwicher's all holler, and his is
BO big, folks say he has to haul his trousers on
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
PUTTINQ A FOOT IN IT. I?!
over his head. Yes, says he, lawyer Yule aays it
passes all onderstandin'. Well, he has a darter
most as big as he is, but for all that she is near
about as pretty a gall as I ever laid eyes on, but
she has her father's foot ; and, poor thing, she can't
bear to hear tell of it. I mind once when I came
there, there was no one to home, and I had to see
to old Clay myself; and arter I had done, I went
in and sot down by the fire and lighted a cigar.
Arter a while in come Lucy, looking pretty tired.
Why, said I, Lucy dear, where on airth have you
been ? you look pretty well beat out. Why, says
she, the bears are plaguy thick this while past, and
have killed some of our sheep, so I went to the
woods to drive the flock home ag'in night-fall,
and, fegs ! I lost my way. I've been gone ever so
long, and I don't know as I'd ever afound my way
out agin, if I hadn't a met Bill Zink alookin' up
his sheep, and he shewed me the way out.
Thinks I to myself, let the galls alone for an
excuse; I see how the cat jumps. WeU, says I,
Lucy, you are about the luckiest gall I ever seed.
Possible, said she; — how's that? Why, says I,
many's the gall I've known that's lost her way with
a sweetheart afore now, and got on the wrong
track; hut you're the first one ever I seed that got
put on the right way by one, anyhow. Well, she
larfed, and says she, you men always suspect evil •
it shows how bad you must be yourselves. Per-
haps it may he so, says I, bat mind your eye, and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
172 THE CLOCKMAKEH.
take care you don't put your foot in it. She
looked at me the matter of a minit or so without
saj'in' a word, and then burst out acryin'. She
said, if she had such an awful big foot, it wam't
her fault, and it was very onkind to larf at it to her
face — tiiat way. Well, I felt proper sorry too, you
may depend, for I vow she was so oncommon
handsum* I had never noticed the big foot of hern
till then. I had hardly got her pacified when in
come Jack, with two halves of a bear, and threw
*em down on the floor, and larfed ready to kill him-
self. I never see the beat o' that, said he, since I
was raised firom a seedUn'. I never see a feller so
taken in in all my life — that's a fact. Why, says
I, what is it ? — It was some time afore he could
speak agin for larfin' — for Jack was consider-
able in the wind, pretty nearly half shaved.
At last, says he, you know my failin', Mr,
Slick ; I like a drop of grog better than it likes
me. Well, when the last rain come, and the brook
was pretty considerable full, I kag'd for a month,
(that is, said the Clockmaker, be had taken an
oath to abstain from drawing liquor from the keg —
they calls it kaggin',) and my kag was out to-day
at twelve o'clock. Well, I had jist got a log on
the ways when the sun was on the twelve o'clock
line, so I stops the mill and takes out my dinner,
and sets it down on the log, and then runs up to
the house to draw off a bottle of rum. When I
returned, and was jist about to enter the mill, what
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 173
should I see but that are bear asittin' on the pine
stick in the mill aeatin* of my dinner, so I jist
backs out, takes a good swig out of the bottle, and
lays it down, to run off home for the gun, when,
says I to myself, says I, he'll make a plaguy sight
shorter work of that are dinner than I would, and
when he's done he'U not wait to wipe his mouth
with the towel neither. May be he'll be gone
afore 1 gets back ; so I jist crawls onder the mill-
pokes up a stick thro' the j 'ice, and starts the plug,
and sets the mill agoin'. Well, the motion was
so easy, and he was so busy, he never moves, and
arter a little the saw jist gives him a scratch on
the back : well, he growls and shoves forward a
bit on his rump j presently it gives him another
scratch, with that he wheels short round and lays
right hold of it, and gives it a most devil of a hug
with his paws, and afore he knowed what he was
about, it pinned him down and sawed him right in
two, he squeeUn' and kickin' and singin' out hke a
good feller the whole blessed time. Thinks 1, he
put fiU/oot in it, that feller, any how.
Yes, our folks have put their foot in it : a cheap
article ain't always the best ; if you want a rael
right down first chop, genutoine thing, you must
pay for it. Talent and integrity ain't such com-
mon thills anywhere, that they are to be had for
half nothin*. A man that has them two things can
go a-head anywhere, and if you want him to ^ve
up his own consams to see arter those of the pub-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
174 THK CLOCKHAKER.
lie, and don't pve him the feir market price for
'em, he's plaguy apt to put his integrity in his
pocket, and put his talents to usury. What he
loses one way he makes up another ; if he can't
get it out of his pay, he takes it out of parquesites,
jobs, patronage, or sunthin' or another. Folks
won't sarve the public for nothin', no more than
they will each other free-gratis. An honest man
won't take office, if it won't support him properly,
hut a dishonest one will, 'cause he won't stand
about trifles, but goes the whole figur* — and where
you have a good many such critt«rs as public
sarvents — why, a little slip of the pen or trip of the
foot ain't thought nothin' of, and the tone of
public feelin' is lowered, till at last folks judge
of a man's dishonesty by the 'cuteness of it. If
the slight-o'-hand ^n't well done, they say, when
he is detected, he is a foot — cuss him, it sarres
him right; but if it is done so slick that you can't
hardly see it even when it's done afore your eyes,
people say, a fine bold stroke that — splendid
business talents that man^-considerahle powers
— a risin' character, — eend by being a great man
in the long run.
You recollect the story of the quaker and his
insurance, don't you f He had a vessel to sea
that he hadn't heerd of for a considerable time,
and he was most plaguyly afeerd she had gone
for it ; so he sent an order to his broker to in-
sure her. Well, next day he lamt for sartain
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 175
that she was lost, so what does he do but writes
to his broker as if he meant to save the premium
by recallin' the order : If thee hast not insured,
thee need'st not do it, esteemed friend, for I have
heerd of the vessel. The broker, thinkin' it
would be all clear gain, &lls right into the trap ;
tells him his letter came too late, for he had
effected the insurance half an hour afore it ar-
rived. Verily, I am sorry for thee, friend, said
the quaker, if that be the case, for a heavy loss
will fall on thee ; of a sartainty I have heerd of
the vessel, but she is lost. Now that was what
I call handsum'; it showed great talents that,
and a knowledge of human natur' and soft sawder.
I thought, siud I, that your annual parlia-
ments, universal suffrage, and system of rotation
of office, had a tendency to prevent corruption,
by removing the means and the opportunity to
any extent. Well, it would, perhaps, to a certain
point, said the Clockmaker, if you knew where
that point was, and could stop there ; but wherever
it is, I am afeerd we have passed it. Annual
parliaments bring in so many raw hands every
year, that they are jist like pawns in the game
of chess, only fft for tools to move about and
count while the game is played by the bigger
ones. They get so puzzled — the critters, with
the forms o* the house, that they put me in mind
of a feller standin' up for the 6rst time in a qua-
drille. One tells him to cross over here, and afore
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
176 THE CLOCKHAKER.
he geta there another calls him back Bg'in ;
one pushes him to the right, and another to the
left; he runs ag'in ereiy body, and every body
runs ag'in him ; he treads on the heels of the
galb, and takes &eir skin and their shoes off, and
they tread on bis toes, and retom the compliment
to his corns ; he is no good in natur' except to
bother folks, and put them oat. The old hands
that have been there afore, and cut their eye-
teeth, know how to bam these critters, and make
'em believe the moon is made of green cheese.
Tliat gives great power to the master movers, and
they are enabled to spikelate handsum in land
stock, hank stock, or any other corporate stock,
for they can raise or depress the article jist as
they please by legislative action.
There was a grand legislative speck made not
long since, called the pre-emption speck. A law
was passed, that all who had settled on govemr
ment lands without title, should have a right of
pre-emption at a very reduced price, below com-
mon upset sum, if application was made on a par-
tikelar day. The jobbers watched the law very
sharp, and the moment it passed, off they sot with
their gangs of men and a magistrate, camped out
all night on the wild land, made the affidavits of
settiement, and run on till they went over a'most
a deuce of a tract of country, that was all picked
out aforehand for them ; then returned their affida-
vits to the office, got the land at pre-emption rat^
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
PUTTINQ A FOOT IN IT. 177
and turned rigIitTOund,and sold it at market price
— pocketed the difference — and netted a most
bandsum thing by the speck.
Them pet banks was another splendid affair ; it
deluged the land with corruption that, — it was too
bad to think on. When the government is in the
many, as with us, and rotation of office is the order
of the day, there is a nateral tendency to multiply
offices, so that every one can get his share of 'em,
and it increases expenses, breeds olGce^eekers,
and corrupts the whole mass. It is in politics as
in farmin', — one large form is worked at much less
expense and much greater profit, and is better in
many ways, than half a dozen small ones ; and the
head farmer is a more 'sponsible man, and better
to do in the world, and more influence than the
small iiy. Things are better done too on his fatm
—the tools are better, the teams are better, and
•the crops are better : it's better altogether, Omx
first-rate men ain't in pohtics with us. It don't
pay 'em, and they won't go thro' the mill for it.
Our principle is to consider all public men rogues,
and to wateh 'em well that they keep straight.
Well, I ain't jist altogether sartified that this
don't help to make 'em rogues ; where there is no
confidence, there can be no honesty; locks and
beys are good things, but if you can't never trust
a sarvant with a key, he don't think the better
of you for all your suspicions, and is plaguy apt to
get a key of his own. Then they do get such a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
178 THE CLOCKUAKEtt.
drill tbrough the preu, tliat no man that thinlts
any great shakes of himself can stand it. A feller
must have a hide as thick as a bull's to bear all the
lashing our public men get the whole blessed time,
and if he can bear it without winkin', it's more
perhaps than his family can. There's nothin' in
office that's worth it. So our best men ain't in
office — they can't submit to it
I knew a judge of the state court of New
York, a first chop man too, give it up, and take
the office of clerk in the identical same court.
He Sfud he couldn't afford to be a judge; it was
only them who couldn't make a livin' by their
practice that it would suit. No, squire, it would
be a long story to go through the whole thing ;
but we ain't the cheapest government in the
world, — that's a fact. When you come to visit
us and go deep into the matter, and see general
government and state government, and local taxes
and gineral taxes, although the items are small,
the sum total is a'most a swingin' large one, I
tell you. You take a shop account, and read it
over. Well, the thing appears reasonable enough,
and cheap enough ; but if you have been arunnin'
in and out pretty often, and goin' the whole figur',
add it up to the bottom, and if it don't make you
stare and look comer ways, it's a pity.
What made me first of all think o' these things,
was seein' how they got on in the colonies : why,
the critters don't pay ho taxes at all a'most — they
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIc
PUTTING A FOOT IN IT. 179
actilly don't desarve the name o' taxes. They don't
know how well they're off^thafs sartin: I mind
when I used to be agrurablin' to home, when I was
a boy about knee high to a goose or so, father
used to say, Sam, if you want to know how to valy
home, you should go abroad for a while among
strangers. It ain't all gold that glitters, my hoy.
You'd soon find out what a nice home you've got ;
for mind what I tell you, home is home, however
homely, — that's a fact. — ^These bluenoses ought
to be jist sent away from home a httle while ; if
they were, when they returned, I guess, they'd lam
how to valy their location. It's a lawful colony
this, — things do go on rig'lar, — a feller can rely on
law here to defend his property, — he needn't do as
I seed a squatter to Ohio do once. I had stopt at
lus house one day to bait ray horse ; and in the
course of conversation about matters and things
in gineral, says I, What's your title ? is it from
government, or purchased from settlers ? — IH tell
you, Mr. Slick, he says, what my title is, — and he
went in, and took his rifle down, and brought it to
the door. Do you see that are hen, sEud he, with
the top-knot on, afeedin' by the fence there ?— Yes,
says I, I do.— Well, says he, see that; and he put
a ball right through the head of it. That, said he,
I reckon is my title ; and that's the way I'll sarve
any tarnation scoundrel that goes for to meddle
' with it. Says I, if that's your title, depend on it
you won't have many fellers troublin' you with
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
180 THE CLOCKHAKER,
claims. — I rather gaess not, said he, larfin* ; and
the lawyers won't be over forrard to buy such
daims on spekilation,— and he wiped his rifle, re*
loaded her, and hung ber ap ag'in. There's no-
thin' of that kind here.
But as touchin' the matter o' cheap government,
why, it's as well as not for onr folks to hold out
that ourn is so ; but the truth is, atween you and
me, though I wouldn't like you to let on to any
one I said so, the truth is, somehow or another,
we've put our foot in it — that's a feet.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XIV,
ENGLISH ARISTOORACT AND '
MOBOCRACY.
When we had taken our tower, said the Clock-
maker, 1 estimate I will return to the tZ-nited
States for good and all. Yoa had ought to visit
oiir great nation, you may depend : it's the most
splendid location atween the poles. History can't
show nothin' like it : you might bile all creation
down to an essence, and not get such a con-
crete as New England. Ifs a sight to behold
twelve millions of free and enlightened citizens,
and I guess we shall have all these provinces, and
all South America. There is no eend to us : old
Rome that folks made such ' a touss about, was
nothin' to us — it warn' fit to hold a candle to our
federal government, — thafs a feet. I intend,
said I, to do so hefore I go to Europe, and may
perhaps avail myself of your kind offer to accom-
pany me. Is an Enghshman well received in your
country now ? WeU, he is now, said Mr. Slick j
the last war did that ; we licked the British into
a respect for us : and if it wam't that they are so
plaguy jealous of our factories, and so invyus of
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
182 THE CLOCKHAKER.
our freedom, I guess we should be considerable
sodable, but they can't stomach our glorious in-
stitudons no how. l^eg don't onderttand u»*
Father and car minister used to have great argu-
ments about tlie Bridsh. Father hated them like
pysoii, as most of our revolutionary heroes did ;
but minister used to stand up for 'em considerable
stiff.
I mind one evenin' arter hay harvest, father stud
to me, Sam, said he, 'spose we go down and see
minister ; I guess he's a httle miffey with me, for I
brought him up all standin' t'other night by sayin',
the English were a damned overbearin' tyrannical
race, and he hadn't another word to say. When you
make use of such language as that are, Colonel Slick,
said he, there's an eend of all conversation. — I
allow it is very disrespectful to swear afore a minis-
ter, and very onhandsum to do so at all, andl don't
approbate such talk at no rate. So we wiU drop
the subject, if you please. Well, I got pretty
grumpy too, and we parted in a huff. I think my-
self, says father, it wam't pretty to swear afore
him i for, Sam, if there is a good man agoin', it is
minister, — thaf s a fact. But, Sam, says he, we
military men — and he straightened himself up con-
siderable stiff, and pulled up his collar, and looked
as fierce as a lion, — we military men, says he, have
a habit of rappin' out an oath now and then.
Very few of our heroes didn't swear ; I recoiled:
that tarnation fire-eater, Gineral Gates, when he
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
EMOUSH ARISTOCRACY. 183
was in our sarvice> ordered me once to attack a
British outpost, and I didn't much more than half
like it. Gineral, says I, there's s plaguy stone
wall there, and the British have lined it, I guess;
and I'm athinkin' it Mn't altogether jist safe to go
too near it. D — m — ^nj~Captain Slick, says he^
— (I was jiat made a captain then) — d — m — n.
Captain Slick, says he, lun't there two sides to a
stone wall ? Don't let me hear the like ag'in from
you, said he, captain, or I hope I may be tetotally
and effectually d — d if I don't break you !— I will,
by gosh ! He warn't a man to be trifled with, you
may depend ; so I drew up my company, and made
at the wall double quick, expectin' every minit
would be our last.
Jist as we got near the fence, I heerd a scram-
blin' and a scuddin' behind it, and I said, now, says
I, for'ard, my boys, for your lives ! hot foot, and
down onder the fence on your bellies ! and then we
shall be as safeastheybe, andp'rbaps we can loop-
hole 'em. Well, we jist hit it, and got there with-
out a shot, and down on our faces as flat as floun-
ders. Presently we beerd the British run for dear
bfe, and take right back across the road, full split.
Now, says I, my hearties, up and let drive at 'em,
right over the wall! Well, we got on our knees, and
cocked our guns, so as to have all ready, and then
we jump'd up an eend; and seein nothin' but a
great cloud o' dust, we fired right into it, and down
we heard 'em tumble ; and when the dust olear'd
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
184 THE CIXICKMAKEB.
oflF, we saw the matter o' twenty white breeches
turned up to as sprawlin* on the ground. Jist at
that moment we heerd three cheers from the inemy
at the fort, and a great shout of larfin irom our
army too ; they haw-hawed like thunder. Well,
says I, as soon as I could aei, if that dont
bang the bush. I'll be dam'd if it aint a
flock of sheep belongin' to Elder Solomon Long-
staff, arter all, — and if we idn't killed the mat-
ter of a score of 'em too, as dead as m utton ; that's
a fact. Well, we retamed considerable down in
the mouth, and says the ^neral. Captain, says he,
I guess you made the enemy look pretty sheepish,
didn't you ? Well, if the ofiBcers didn't larf, if s
a pity ; and, says a Varginy ofScerthat was there,
in a sort of half whisper, that wall was well lined,
you may depend — sheep on one side and asses on
the other ! Says I, stranger, you had better not
say that are ag'in, or I'U-— . Gintlemen, says the
gineral, resarve your heat for the inemy ; no quar-
rels among ourselves — and he rode off, havin' first
whispered in my ear, Do you hear, captain, d — n
you ! there are two sides to a wall. Yes, says I,
gineral, and two sides to a story too. And don't,
for gracious sake, say no more about it. Yes, we
military men all swears a few — it's the practice of
the camp, and seems kinder nateral. But 111 go
and make friends with minister.
Well, we walked down to Mr. Hopewell's, and
we found him in a little summer-house, all covered
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
ENGIJSH ARISTOCRACY. 185
over with honeysuckle, as busy as you please with
a book he was astudyin', and as soon as he seed
us he laid it down and came out to meet ti8. Co*-
lonel Slick, says he, I owe you an apology, I be^-
lieve; I consait I spoke too abrupt to you t'other
evenin'. I ought to have made some allowance for
the ardour of one of our military heroes. Well, it
took father aU aback that, for he know'd it was him
that was to blame, and not minister, so he began to
say that it was him that ought to ax pardon ; but
minister wouldn't hear aword,— (he was all humi-
lity was minister — be had no more pride than a
babe,} — and, says he, come, Colonel, walk in and
sit down here, and we will see if we can muster a
bottle of cider for you, for I take this visit very
kind of you. Well, he brought out the cider, and
we sot down quite sociable like. Now, says he,
colonel, what news have you !
Well, says Atther, neighbour Dearboum tells me
that he heerd from excellent authority that he
can't doubt, when be was in England, that King
George the Third has been dead these two years :
but his ministers daraen't let the people know it,
for fear of a revolution ; so they have given out that
he took the loss of these States so much to heart,
and fretted and carried on so about it, that he ain't
abletodobusinessnomore,and that theyare obliged
to keep him included. They say the people want
to have a government jist like oum, but the lords
and great folks won't let *em, — and that if a poor
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
186 THE CLOCKHAKER.
man la^ b^ a few dollars, the nobles send and take
it right away^,for fear they should buy powder and
shot with it. It's awful to think on, ain't it ? I
allow the British are about the most enslaved, op-
pressed, ignorant, and miserable folks on the face
of creation.
You mustn't believe all you hear, said minister ;
depend upon it, there ain't a word of truth in it. I
have been a good deal in England, and I do
assure you they are as free as we be, and a
mostplaguysight richer, stronger, and wiser. Their
government convenes them better than oum would,
and I must say there be some things in it I hke
better than oum too. Now, says he, colonel, I'll
p'intoutto you where they have a'most anamazin'
advantage over us here in America. First of all,
there is the King, on his throne, an hereditary
King, — a horn King, — the head of his people, and
not the head of a party ; not supported, right or
wrong, by one side because they chose him, — nor
hated and oppressed, right or wrong, by t'other,
because they don't vote for him ; but loved and sup-
ported by all because he is their King ; and regarded
by all with afeelin' we don't know nothin' of in our
country, — a feelin' of loyalty. Yes, says father,
and they don't care whether it's a man, woman, or
child ; the ignorant, benighted critters. They are
considerable sure, says minister, he ain't a rogue at
any rate.
Well, the next link in the chain (Chains
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc,
ENGUSH ABISTOCRACY. 187
enough, poor wretches ! says father: but its good
enough for 'em tho', I guess) — Well, the next link
in the chain is the nobility, independent of the
crown on one side, and the people on the other ; a
body distinguished for its wealth, its larnin', its
munificence, its high honour, and all the great
and good qualities that ennohle the human heart.
Yes, said father, and yet they can sally out o' their
castles, seize travellers, and rob 'em of all they
have ; hav'n't they got the whole country enslaved?
— the debauched, profligate, effeminate, tyrannical
gang as they be ; — and see what mean offices they da
fill about the King's parson. They put me in mind
of my son, Eldad when he went to lam the doc-
tor's trade — they took him the first winter to the
dissectin' room. So in the spring, says I, Eldad,
says I, how do you get on ? Why, says he, fether,
I've only had my first lesson yet. What is that ?
says I. Why, says he, when the doctors are dis-
sectin' of a carcass of cold meat, (for that's the
name a subject goes by,) I have to stand by 'em
and keep my hands clean, to wipe their noses, give
'em snuff, and light cigars fur 'em: and tlie snuff
sets 'em asneezin' so, I have to be awipin' of their
noses everlastin'ly. It's a dirty business, thafs &
fact ; — but dissectin* is a dirty aSair, I guess, alto-
gether. Well, by all accounts the nobility fill
offices as mean as the doctors' apprentices do the
first winter.
1 tell you, these are mere lies, says minister, got
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
188 THE CLOCKMAKER.
Up here by a party to influence as ag'in the Bri-
tish, Well, veil ! said &ther, go on, and he threw
oiie leg over the other, tilted back in his chair,
folded hia arms over bis breast, and looked as de-
tarmined as if he thought — now you may jist talk
till your are hoarse, if you like, hut you won't con-
vince me, I can t«ll you. Then there is an Esta-
blished Church, containin' a body o* men distin-
guished fortheir piety and lamin*, uniform practice.
Christian lives, and consistent conduct; jist a
beach that keeps off the assaults of the waves o'
infidelity and enthusiasm from the Christian har-
bour within — the great bulwark and breakwater
that protects and shelters Protestantism in the
world. Oh dear ! oh dear ! sEud father, and he
looked over to me, quite streaked, as much as
to say. Now, Sam, do only hear the nonsense that
are old critter is atalkin' of: ain't it horrid ? Then
there is the gentry, and a fine, honorable, manly,
hospitable, independent race they be; all on 'em
suns in their httle spheres, illuminatdn', warmin',
and cheerin' all within their reach. Old families,
attached to all around them, and all attached to
them, both them and the people recoUectin' that
there have been twenty generations of 'em kind
landlords, good neighbours, liberal patrons, indul-
gent masters ; or if any of 'em went abroad, heroes
by field and by flood. Yes, says father, aftd they
carried back somethin* to brag on from Bunker's
Hillj I guess, didn't they ? We spoilt the pretty
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY. 1S9
faces of some of their landlords, that hitch, any
how, — ay, and their tenants too; hang me if we
didn't. When I was at Bun
Then there is the professional men, rich mar-
chants and opulent iactorists, all so many out-
works to the king, and aU to he beat down afore
you can get to the throne. Well, all these blend
and mix, and are entwined and interwoven tc^ther,
and make that great, harmonious, beautiful, social,
and poUtical machine — the British oonstitution.
The children of nobles ain't nobles — (I guess not,
says father, — why should they be ? ain't all men
free and equal ? read Jefferson's declara— — )—
but they have to mix with the commons, and be-
come commoners themselves, and part of the great
general mass, — (and enough to pyson the whole
mass too, said father, jist yeast enough to farment
it, and spile the whole batch.)— Quite the revarse,
says minister; to use a homely simile, it's hke a
picceoffatpork thrown into aboilin' kettle of maple
syrup; it checks the bubbhn' and makes the boiHn*
subside, and not run oyer. Well, you see, by the
House o' Lords gettin' recruits from able com-
moners, and the commoners gettin' recruits from
the young nobility, by intermarriage, and by the
gradual branchin' off of the young people of both
sexes, it becomes t^ie people^s nobility, and not the
kinff's nobility, sympathisin' with both, but inde-
pendent of either. Thafs jist the difference
'atween them and foreigners on the continent ;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
191) THE CLOCKMAKER.
that's the secret of their power, popularity, and
strength, the king leans on 'em, and the people
leans' on 'em — they are the key-stone of the arch.
They don't stand alone, a high, cold, snowy peak,
a' overlookin' of the world beneath, and athrowin*
a dark deep shader o'er the rich and fertile re-
gions below it. They ain't like a comish of a
room, pretty to look at, but of no lurthly use what-
ever; a thing you could pull away, and leave the
room standin' jist as well without, but they are the
pillars of the state— the flooted, and grooved, and
carved, and*omamental, but soUd pillars — you can't
take away the pillars, or the state comes down—
you can't cut out the flootin', or groovin', or carvin',
for it's in so deep you'd have to cut the pillars away
to nothin' a'most to get it out. Well, says father,
araisin' of his voice till he screamed, have you no-
thin', sir, to praise to home, sir ? I think you
whitewashed that British sepulchre of rottenness
and corruption, that House o' Lords, pretty well,
and painted the harlot's eldest darter, till she looks
a» darnty as the old one of Babylon herself ; let's
have a touch o' your brush to home now, will you ?
You don't onderstand me yet, Colonel Slick, said
he ; I want to show you somethin' in the workin'
o' the machinery you ain't thought of, I know.
Now, you see, colonel, all these parts I described
are checks we ain't got,— {and 1 trust in God we
never shall, says father — we want no check —
nothin' can never stop us but the Umits o'
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ENGLISH ARISTOCRACY. 191
creation,) and we ain't provided any in their
place, and I don't see what on airth wb shall
do for these drag-chains on popular opinion.
There's nothin' here to make it of, — nothin' in the
natur" of things to substitute,— nothin' invented, or
capable of the wear-and- tear, if invented, that will
be the least morsel of use in the world. Explun
what you mean, for gracious sake, days father, for
I don't onderstandone word of what you are asayin'
of: who dares talk of chains to popular opinion of
twelve millions of jree and enlightened citizens?
Well, says minister, jist see here, colonel, instead
of all these gradations and circles, and what not,
they've got in England — each bavin' its own prin-
ciple of action, harmonizin' with one another, yet
essentially independent — we got but one class, one
masH, one people. Some natur' has made a httle
smarter than others, and some edication bas dis-
tinguished ; some are a little richer, some a little
poorer— but still we have nothin' but a mass, a
populace, a people ; all alike in great essentials,
all bavin' the same 'power, same rights, same pri-
vileges, and of course same feelins : call it what
you will, it's a populace, in fact.
Our name is Legion, says father, ajumpin' up
in a great rage. Yes, sir. Legion is our name—
we have twelve millions of freemen ready to march
to the utmost limits o' creation, and %ht the devil
himself if be was there, with all his hosts; and I'm
the man to lead 'em, sir; I'm the boy that jist will
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
WS THE CLOCKHAKER.
do it. Rear rank, take open order. Tight shoulders
for'ard,^— march ! and the old man begun to step
out as if he was aleadin' of 'em on their way ag'in
old Nick, — whistling Yankee-doodle all the time,
and lookin' as fierce as if he could whip his weight
in wild cats. Well, says minister, I guess you
won't have to go quite so far to find the devils to
fight with as the eend of creation neither ; you'll
find them nearer to home than you're athinkin' on
some o' these days, you may depend. But, colonel,
our people present one smooth, unbroken sur-
face—do you see ?^-of the same uniform materials,
which is acted on all over aUke by one impulse.
It's like a lake. Well, one gust o' wind sweeps all
over it, and puts all in agitation, and makes the
waters look angry and dangerous — (and shaller
waters, makes the ugliest seas always.) Well, as
soon as the squall is over, what a'most a beautiful
pitchin' and heavin' there is for a while, and then
down it all comes as calm and as stagnant and tire-
some as you please. That's our case.
There's nothin' to check popular commotion
here, nothin' to influence it for good, but much to
influence it for evil. There is one tone and one
key here ; strike the octaves where you like, and
when you like, and they all accord.
The press can lash us up to a fury here in two
twos any day, because a chord struck at Maine
vibrates in Florida, and when once roused, and our
dander fairly up, where are the bodies above all
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ENGU8H ARISTOCRACY. 195
this commotion, that c&n soften, moderate, control,
or even influence it? The law, we see, is too feeble;
people disregard it ; the clergy can't, for if they
dare to disagree with their flocks, their flocks drive
'em out of the pastur* in httle less than half no
time; the legislators can't, for they are parts of the
same turbid water themselves ; the president can't,
for he is nothin' but a heap of iroth thrown up by
conflictin' eddies at the central point, and floats
with the stream that generated him. He has no
motion of himself, no locomotive power. It ain't
the drift-log that directs the river to the sea, but
the river that carries the drift-log on its back.
Now in England, a lyin', agitatin', wicked press,
demagogues and pohtical jugglers, and them sort
o' cattle, finds a check in the Executive, the great,
the lamed, the virtuous, the prudent, and the well-
established nobihty, church, and gentry. It can't
deceive them, they are too well informed; — it can't
agitate them, for they don't act from impulse, but
from reason. It can't overturn *em, for they are
too strong. Nothin' can move so many different
bodies but sunthin' genutcine and good, sunthin'
that comes recommended by common sense for the
public weal by its intrinsic excellence. Then the
clergy bless it, the nobles sanction it, and the king
executes it. It's a well- constructed piece o' ma-
chinery that, colonel, and I hope they won't go
adabbhn* too much with it, — there's nothin' Hke
leavin' atl'f well alone.
■oflb^Google
194 THE CLOCKMAKER.
I'll suppoRe a case now : — If the French in Ca-
nada were to rebel — as they will, like that priest
that walked on crutches till they elected him Pope,
and when he got into the chair, he np crutches and
let 'era fly at the heads of the cardinals, and toM
*em to clear out, or he'd kick 'em out, — they'll
rebel as soon as they can walk alone, for the Bri-
tish have made 'era a French colony instead of an
English one, and then they'll throw away their
crutches. If they do rebel, see if our people don't
go to war tho' the government is to peace. They'll
do jist as they pleaae, and nothing can stop 'em.
"What do they care for a president's proclamation,
or a marshal's advertisements? they'd lynch one,
or tar and feather the other of those chaps as quick
as wink, if they dared to stand in the way one,
rainit. No; we want the influence of an indepen-
dent united clergy— of a gentry, of an upper class,
of a permanent one too,— of a sunthin' or another,
in short, we hav'n't got, and I fear never will get.
What little check we had in Washinton's time is
now lost ; our senate has degenerated into a mere
second house of representatives ; our legislators are
nothin' but speakin' trumpets for the mobs outside
to yell and howl thro'. The British government is
like its oak; it has its roots spread out far and
wide, and is supported and nourished on all sides,
besides its tap-roots, that run right strwght down
into the ground, — (for all hard-wood trees have
tap-roots, you know.) Well, when a popular storm
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
ENGUSH ARISTOCRACY. 195
comes, it bends to the blast, do you see, till its
fury is spent ; — it gets a few leaves shook down,
and perhaps a rotten branch or two twisted off; but
when the storm is o'er, there it is ag'in bolt up-
right — as straight and as stiff as a polcer. But our
government is like one of our forest trees, — all top
and no branches, or downward roots, but a long,
shm stalk, with a broom-head, fed by a few super-
ficial fibres, the air and the rain ; and when the
popular gust comes, it blows it right over, — a great
onwieldy windfall, smashin' all afore it, and breakin'
itself all up to pieces. Ifs too holler and knotty
to saw or to split, or to rip, and too shaky to plane,
or to do anytbin* with — all its strength lies in
growin' close alongside of others ; but it grows too
quick, and too thick, to be strong. It has no in-
trinsic strength j — some folks to England ain't up
to this themselves, and raelly talk like fools. They
talk as if they were in a republic instead of a
limited monarchy. If ever they get upsot, mark
my words, colonel, the squall won't come out
of royalty, aristocracy, or prelacy, but out o'
democracy, — and a plaguy squally sea democracy
is, I tell you : wind gets up in a minit ; you can't
show a rag of sail to it, and if you don't keep a
bright look-out, and shorten sail in time, you're
wrecked or swamped afore you know where you
be. I'd rather live onder an absolute monarch any
day than in a democracy, for one, tjrrant is better
nor a thousand ; oppression is better nor anarchy,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
196 THE CLOCKMAKER.
and hard law better nor no law at all. Minister,
saya fether, (and he put his hands on his knees,
and rose up slowly, till he stretched himself all
out), I have sot here and heerd more abuse of our
great nation, and our free and enlightened citizens,
from you this ev'nin', than I ever thought I could
have taken from any hvin' soul breaUiin' ; its more
than I can cleverly swaller, or disgest either, I tell
you.
Now, sir, says he, and he brought his two heels-
close together, and taking hold of his coat-tul with
his left hand, brought his right hand slowly round
to it, and then lifted it gradually up as if he was
drawin* out a sword, — and now, sir, said he, makin'
a lounge into die wr with his arm, — now, sir, if you
was not a cleigyman, you should answer it to me
with your life — you should, I snore. It's notbin'
hut your cloth protects you, and an old fiiendsbip
that has subsisted atween us for many years. Tou
revolutionary heroes, colonel, says minister, smilin',
are covered with too much glory to require any aid
from private quarrels: put up your sword, colonel,
put it up, my good friend, and let us see how the
dder is. I have talked so much, my mouth feels
considerahlerustyabout the hinges, I vow. I guess
we had, says father, quite mollified by that are
little revolutionary hero, — and I will sheathe it ;
and he went thro' the form of puttin' a sword into
the scabbard, and fetched his two hands together
with a chck that sounded amaztn'ly like the rael
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
ENGUSH ARISTOCRACY. 19?
thing. Fill your glass, colonel, says minister, fill
your glass, and I will give you a toast : — May our
government never degenerate into a mob, nor our
inoba grow strong enough to become our govern'
ment.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XV.
THB CONFESSIONS OF A DEFUSED MINISTER.
Since I parted with you, squire, to Windsor, last
fall, I've been to home. There's been an awiiil
smash among the banks in the Stat«s, — they've
been blowed over, and snapped off, and torn up by
the roots like the pines to the southward in a tor-
nado ! — awful work, you may depend. Everything
prostrated as flat its if it had been chopped with an
axe for the fire ; it*s the most dismal sight I ever
beheld. Shortly after I lA you, I got a letter from
Mr. Hopewell, atellin' of me there was a storm
abrewin', and advisin' of me to come to home as
soon as possible, to see arter my stock in the Slick-
ville bank, for they were carrying too much sail, and
he was e'en a'most sartain it would capsize when
the squall struck it. Well, I rode night and day;
I nearly killed old Clay and myself too, (I left the
old hor&e to St. John's ;} but I got there in time,
sold out my shares, and jist secured myself, when
it failed t«totally,— it won't pay five cents to the
dollar ; a total wrack stock and fiuke. Poor old
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CONFESSIONS 07 A BUNISTER. 199
minister, be is nearly used up ; he is small potatoes
now, and few in a hill. It made me feel quite
streaked to see hiap, for he is a rael good man, a
genntvine primitive Christian, and one of the old
schooL Why, Sam, said he, how do you do, my
boy ? The sight of you is actilly good for sore eyes.
Oh ! I am glad to see you once moie afore T go ; it
does me good — it happtfies me, it does, I tow — for
you always seemed kind o' nateral to me. I didn't
think I should ever take any interest in anything
ag'in ; — but I must have a talk with you — it will do
me good — ^it revives me. And now, Sam, said he,
open that are cupboard there, and take that big key
off the nail on the right hand side — ^if s the key of
the cellar; andgo to the north bin, and bring up
a bottle of the genawme cider — it will refresh you
alter your fatigue ; and give me my pipe and to-
bacco, and we will have a talk, as we used to do
in old times. ".
Well, says I, when I returned and uncorked the
bottle, — minister, says I, it's no use atalkin'—
and I took a heavy pull at the uder— it's no use
atalkin', but there's nothin' like that are among the
Blue-noses, anyhow. I believe you might stump
the nnivarse for dder — Ihat caps all — if s super-
excellent — that's a feet.
I shall stump out of the unirarse soon, Sam,
said he ; I'm e'en amost done ; my body is worn
out, and my spirits are none of the best now,
— I'm a lone man. The old m^ are droppin' off
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SOO THE CLOCKHAKER.
hat into the grsTe, and the young men are troopin*
off fast into the Far West ; and SUckviUe don't
seem the same place to me it used to do no more.
I'm well stricken in years now ; my life stretches
orer a considerable space of the colony lime, and
over all our republic : my race is run, my lamp is
out, and I am ready to go. I often say, Lord, now
lettest thou thy sarvant depart in peace. Next
birthday, if the Lord spares me to see it, I shall be
ninety-five years old. Well, says I, mioister, you've
seen great changes in your time, that's sartain j
haven't we grown cruel fast i There ain't such a
nation as oum p'rhaps atween the poles, jist at this
present time. We are a'roost through to the Paufic,
and spreadin' all over this great continent ; and
our flag floats oVer every part of the world. Our
jree and enlightened people do present a'most a
glorious spectacle, — that's a fact. Well, he sot still
and said nothin' ; but takin' the pipe out of his
mouth, he let go a great big long puff of smoke,
and then replaced his pipe ag'in, and arter a space,
says he, Well, Sam, what of all that ? Why, said I,
minister, you remind me of Joab Hunter; he
whipped every one that darst try him, both in
Slickville and its vicinity ; and then he sot down
and cried like a child, 'cause folks were afeerd of
him, and none on 'em would fight him.
It's a law o' natur* Sam, sud he, that things that
grow too fast, and grow too big, go to decay soon,
I am afeerd we shall be rotten afore we are ripe.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CONFESSIONS OF A MINISTER. 301 '
Precosity ain't a good sign in anything. A boy that
outgrows his strength, is seldom healthy : an old
head on young shoulders is plaguy apt to find afore
long the shoulders too old and weak for the head
I am too aged a man to be led away by names — too
old a bird to be caught by chafiT. Tinsel and glit-
ter don't deceive me into a belief that they are
solid, germwine metals. Our eagle that we chose
for our emblem, is a fine bird, and an aspirin bird ;
but he is a bird of prey, Sam, — too fond of blood
— too prone to pounce on the weak and unwary. I
don't like to see him hoverin' over Texas and
Canada so much. Our flag that you talk of is a
good flag; but them stripes, are they prophetic
or accidental ? Are they the stripes of the slaves
risin' up to humble our pride by exhibitin' our
shame on our banner ? Or what do they mean ?
Freedom, what is it ? We boast of freedom ; tell
me what freedom is ? Is it bavin' no king and no
nobles ? Then we are sartainly &ee. But is that
freedom ? Is it in havin' no established religion ?
Then we are free enough, gracious knows. Is it
in harin* no hereditary government, or vigorous
executive ? Then we are free, beyond all doubt.
Yes, we know what we are atalkin' about; we
are wise in our generation, wiser than the children
of light — we are as free as the air of heaven. What
that air is, p'rhaps they know who talk of it so flip-
pantly and so ghbly ; but it may not be so free to
all comers as otir country is. But what is freedom ?
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
202 THE CLOCKHAKER.
My litde grandson, little Sammy, (I had him
named arter you, Sam,) told me yesterday I was
behind the enlightenment of the age ; perhaps yon,
who are ahead of it, will answer me. What is
freedom ? A colt is free, — he is onrestrained, — he
acknowledges no master, — no law, but the law of
natur'. A man may get his brains kicked out
among wild hones, but still they are free. Is our
ireedom like that of the wild horse or the wild ass ?
If not, what is it? Is it in the right of openly
preaching infidehty ? Is it in a licentious press ?
Is it in the outpourings of popular spirits ? Is it in
the absence of all aubordinatton, or the insufficiency
of all t^al or moral restraint? I will define it. It
is that happy condition of mankind where people
are assembled in a community ; where there ia no
government^ no law, and no reli^on, but such as
are imposed from day to day by a mob of freemen.
That it freedom.
Why, minister, said I, what on airth ails you, to
make you talk arter that fashion ? If you had abin
drinlun' any of that are old cider, I do think I
should have believed it had got into your br^n, for
it's pretty considerable stiff that, and tarnation
heady. How can you go for to say we have no
government, no law, and no religion, when it's
ginerally allowed we are the most free and enlight-
ened people on the face of the airth? — I didn't say
that, Sam ; I was dcfinin' freedom in its gineral
acceptation. We have got a government some-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CONFESSIONS OF A MINISTER. 203
where, if folks could only find it. When they
MTched for it at Texas, they said it was to Canady
lines i and when they got to Canady lines to seek
it, they say it is gone to the Seminole war j and
when they get there, they'll teU 'em they've been
lookin' for it ; but it hasn't arrived yet, and they
wish to gracious it would make haste and come, for
if it wor there, three thousand Injians couldn't beat
us three years ninnin', and defy us yet. We've got
law too ; and when the judges go on the circuit,
the mob holds its courts, and keeps the peace.
Whose commission does the mob hold ? — The peo-
ple's commission. And whose commission does the
supreme judge hold ?— The President's. Which
is at the top of the pot then f Can the judges
punish the roobf — No; but the mob can punish
the judges. Which is the supreme court, then?
No ; we have law. Yes, said I, and the prophets
too ; for if you lun't a prophet of evil, it's a pity.
I fairly felt ryled, for if there is a thing that raises
my dander, and puts my Ebenezer up, it is to hear
a man say anything ag'in the glorious institutions
of our great, splendid country.
There you go agin, said he ; you don't know
what you are a talkin' about ; n prophet usedto be
a person who foretold future events to come. What
they be now in Webster's new dictionary, I don't
know ; but I guess they now be those who foretell
things arter they happen, I warn't aprophesyin' —
I was speakin* of things afore my eyes. Your ideas
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
204 THE CLOCKMAKEB.
of prophets are about as clear aa your ideas of free-
dom. Yes, we're got law, and written law too, as
well as written constitutions — (for we dispise that
onwritt«n law, the common law of the ignorant
British ; we dispise it as a relic of barbarism, of
the age of darkness and &ble,) — and as soon as
our cases that are tried albre the mob courts are
collected and reported to some of our imment mob
orators, these stat« trials will have great authority.
They^l be quoted by England with great respect I
know J for they've got orators of the same breed
there too, — the same gentle, mild, Christian-like
philanthropists. Pity you hadn't asported that
kind of doctrine, says I, minister, afore our glorious
revolution. The British would have made a bishop
of you, or a Canter of Berry, or whatever they call
their Protestant pope. Yes, you might havehad the
canon law and the tythe law enforced with the
baggonet law. Abusin' the British don't help us,
Sam. I am not their advocate, but the advocate for
law, just and equal law, impartially administered,
voluntarily obeyed^ and, when infringed, duly en-
forced. Yes, we have religion, too, from the strict
good old platform, through every variety and shade
of tinker, mormonite, and mountebank, down to
the infidel,— men who preach peace and good will,
but who fight and hate each other like the devil.
Idolatry like oum you won't find even among the
heathen. We are image worshippers : we have two
images. Tliere's the golden im^, which all men
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CONFESSIONS OF A MINISTER, 205
worship here, and the American im^. The
American image ! said I ; do tell : what on airth is
that ? I do believe in my heart, minister, that you
have taken leave of your senses. What onder the
sun is the American image f An image of perfec-
tion, Sam, said he ; fine phrenological head — high
forehead — noble coant«nance — intelligent face —
limbs Herculean, but well-proportioned — graceful
attitude — a figure of great elegance and beauty, —
the parsonification of everything that is great and
good, — that is the American image ; that we set
up and admire, and everybody thinks it is an image
of himself. Oh! It is humiliatin', it is degradin' ;
but we are all brought up to this idolatry from our
cradle : we are taught first to worship gold, and
then to idolize ourselves.
Yes, we have a government, have a law, and
have a religion, — and a precious government,
law, and religion it is. I was once led to believe
we had made a great discovery, and were tryin'
a great experiment in the art of self-government,
fur the benefit of mankind, as well as ourselves.
Oh, delusion of delusions ! It had been tried before
and signally failed, and tried on our own ground
too, and under our own eyes. We are copies and
not originals — base imitators. When he got this
far, I seed how it was — he was delirious, poor old
gentleman: the sight of me was too much for him;
his narves was excited, and he was aravin' ; his face
was fiushed, his eye glared, and looked quite wild
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
2M THE CLOCKHAKBR.
like. It tooched me to the heart, for I loved him
like afather, and. hi* intellects were of tbefirst order
afore old age, Hke a 4^Dd^ had ayerthadowed 'em.
I thoogfat I shotUd hare booh<x>ed right out; So,
instead of contradictiD' him, I humoured Urn.
Whoe vat it tried, mininter ? mad I ; who had the
honour afore OS ? for let us give the credit where it
it dae. The North American Indians, «aidhe,had
tried it afcve in all its parts. They had no king,
non<d>les, no privile^d data, no established reli-
pon. Their mobs made lawt, Lyniih law tod, for
they had homed people before the (ntizensat Mobjle
was ever bom, or was even thouj^t oii, and in*-
vaded also other folks' tenntOry by stealth, and-then
kept possession. They, too, elected their pre»<-
dents and other officers, and did all and everything
we do. They, too, had their federalgavernment of
independent states, and their congress and solemn-
lookin' beastin' orators. They, too, hadtheii long
ktilves as well as Ariconsa's. folks have^ and were as
fond of blood. And where are they now ? Where
is their great ezperim^t ?— their greatijpectacle of
a people govemin' themselves } Gone! wb^^oom
wSl go ; gone with the years that are fledj never
to return ! Oh, Sam, Sam ! my heart is sick
within me. Where now is our beautiful republic
bequeathed to us by Washington, and the sages and
heroes of the revolution ? Overwhelmed and de-
stroyed by the mighty waters of democracy. No-
thin' is now left but a dreary waste of angry waters,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CONFESSIONS OF A MINISTER. 20?
moved and excited by every wind that blows, and
agitated by every conflictin' carrent, onsafe to navi-
gate, fearM even to look upon.
Thia is too exdtin' a subject, said I, minister,
and admits of a great deal bein' said on both sides.
It ain't worth our while to get warm ou it. As fur
an established church, siud I, you know what a
hubbub they make in Englaud to get clear of that
are. I don't think we need envy 'em, unless they'll
establish our platform, if they did that, said I, and
I looked up and winked, I don't know as I wouldn't
vote for it myself. Sam, said he, we are agoin'
to have an estabUshed church ; it may be a very
good church, and is a great deal better than many
we have ; hut still it ain't the church of the Pil-
grims. What church, said I, minister f Why,
said he, the Cathohc Church ; before long it will be
the established church of the United States. Poor
old man, only think of his getting such a freak as
that are in his head ; it was melancholy to hear
him talk suchnonsense, warn't it ! What makes you
think 8o ? said I. Why, said he, Sam, the majority
here do everything. The majority voted at first
against an establishment; a majority may at last
vote for it; the voice of the majority is law. Now
the Cathohcs are fast gainin' a numerical majority.
Don't you believe census or other tables ? I know
it, and I could easily correct the errors of the
census.
They gain constantly, — they gain more by emi-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
208 THE CLOCKHAKHl.
gTHtdon, mora by natural increase in proportion to
their numbers, more by intermarriages, adoption,
and conversion, than the ProteRtants. With their
exclusive views of salvation, and peculiar tenets, —
as soon as they have the majority, this becomes a
Catholic country, with a Catholic government, with
the Catholic religion estabhshed by law. Is this
a great change ? A greater change has taken place
among the British, the Medes and Persians of
Europe, the nolumus leges mutari people. What
then will the nateral order and progress of events
now in train here not produce ? I only speak of
this — I don't dread it ; I hope, and trusl^ and pray
that it may be so ; not because I think them right,
for I don't, bat because the; are a Christian churchi
an old church, a consistent church, and because it
is a church, and any^sect is better than the substi-
tution of a cold speculative philosophy for religion,
as we see too frequently among us. We are too
greedy to be moral, too setf-su6Scient to be pious,
and too independent to be religious. United under
one bead, and obedient to that head, with the
countenance and aid of the whole Catholic world,
what Can they not achieve ? Yes, it is the only cure
that time and a kind and merciful Providence has
in store for us. We shall be a Catholic country,
Sam, my heart is broken! — my last tie is se-
vered, and I am now descendin' to the grave full
of years and full of sorrers ! I have received
my dismissal ; my elders have waited upon me with
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CONFESSIONS OF A MINISTER. 203
the appallin' information that they have given a call
to a Unitarian, and have no further need of my sar-
vices. My labours, Sam, were not wort^ having—
that's a fact : I am now old, gray-headed, and infirm,
and worn out in the service of my Master. It was
time for me to retire. Tempus abire tibi est. (I
hope you hav'n't forgot what little X^atin you had,
Sam.) I don't blame them for that:— hut a Uni-
tarian in my pulpit ! It has lulled me — I cannot
survive it ; and he cried like a child. I looked on
'em, said he, as mychildren — I loved'em as myown
— taught 'em their infant prayers, — I led'em to the
altar of the Lord, — I fed 'em with the bread of life,
encouraged them when they was right, reproved 'em
when they was wrong, andwatched over 'em always.
Where now is my flock ? and what account shall I
give of the shepherd ? Oh, Sam, wUlin'ly would I
offer up my life for 'em as a sacrifice, hut it may
not be. My poor flock, my dear children, my lost
sheep, that I should h^ve lived to have seen this
day!— and he hid his face in his hands, and moaned
bitterly.
Poor old gentleman, it had been too much for
him ; it was evident that it had aflected his head as
well as bis heart. And this I will say, that a better
head and a better heart there lun't this day in the
United States of America than minister Joshua
Hopewell's, of Slickville. I am glad to bear you
speaksoaflectionatelyofhim, saidl. It showsthere
are good and warm hearts in Slickville besides his ;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
'i\0 THE CLOCKMAKEE.
bat do yon really tiiink he ms delirious ? No
doabt in the world on it, said he. If you had aseen
him and heerd him, you would have felt that his
troubles bad swompified him. It was gone goose
with him, — thaf a a fact. That he spoke under
the influence of exdted feelings, I replied, and
with a heart filled with grief and indignation, there
can be no doubt : but I see no evidence of delirium ;
on the contrary, his remarks strike me as most
eloquent and original. They have made a great
impression upon me, and I shall long remember
the con/esnoru of a deposed ttdnUter.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XVI.
CANADIAN POLITICS.
The next day we reached Clare, a township
■wholly settled by descendants of the Acadian
French. The moment you pass the bridge at
Sdssiboo, you become sensible that you are in a
foreign country. And here I must enter my protest
against that American custom of changing the old
and appropriate names of places, for the new and
inappropriate ones of Europe. Scisstboo is the
Indian name of this long and beautiful river, and
signifies the great deep, and should have been re-
tinned, not merely because it was its proper name,
but on account of its antiquity, its legends, and,
above all, because the river had a name, which the
minor streams of the province have not.*A country,
in my opinion, is robbed of half its charms when
its streams, like those of Nova Scotia, have no
other names than those of the proprietors of the
lands through which they pass, and change them
as often as the soil changes owners. Sdssiboo
sounded too savage and tincouth in the ears of the
inhabitants, and they changed it to Weymouth, but
they must excuse me for adoptiug the old reading.
I am no democrat; I like old names and the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
212 THE CLOCKHAKER.
traditions belonging to tbetn. I am no fiiend to
noveltiea. There has been a reaction in Upper
Canada. The movement party in that colony,
with great form and ceremony, conferred the name
of Little York upon the capital of the colony ; but
the ConservatiTes have adopted the ancient order
of things, and with eqttal taste and good feeling
have restored the name of Toronto. I hope to
see the same restoration at Scissiboo, at Tatam-
agouche, and other places where the spoiler has
been.
There is something very interesting in these
Acadtans. They are the lineal descendants of
those who made the first effective settlement in
North America, in 1606, mider De Monts, and
have retained to this day the dress, customs, lan-
guage, and religion of their ancestors. They are a
peaceable, contented, and happy people ; and have
escaped the temptations of English agitators,
French atheists, and domestic demagt^ues.
I have vflen been amazed, stud the Clockmaker,
when travelling among the Canadians, to see what
curious critters they be. They leave the marketin*
to the women, and the business to their notaries,
the care of their soul to thdr priests, and of their
bodies to the doctors, and resarre only frolickin',
dancin', singin, fidlin, and gasconadin', to them-
selves. They are as merry as crickets, and happy
as the day is long. They don't care a straw how
the world jogs, who's up or who's down, who reigns
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CANADIAN POLITICS. 213
or who is deposed. Ask 'em who is king, and
they believe Papinor is ; who is Pope, and they
believe their bishop is j who is the best oflf in the
world, and they believe Mount-sheer Chatter-box
Habitan is. How is it then, said I, they are just
on the eve of a rebellion ? If they are so contented
and happy as yon represent them, what can induce
them to involve the country in all the horrors of a
civil war ; and voluntarily incur the penaldes of
treason, and the miseries of a revolution ?
Because, said he, they are jist what I have
described them to be — because they don't know
notbin'. They are as weak as Taunton water, and
all the world knows that that won't even run down
hill. They won't do nothin' but jist as they are
bid. Their notaries and doctors tell 'em, — them
sacra diabola foutera English are agoin', by-and-
bye, to ship 'em out o' the country ; and in the
mean time rob 'em, plunder 'em, and tax 'em ;—
hang their priests, seize their galls, and play hell
^nd Tommy with them, and all because they speak
French. Hay beang, says Habitan, up and at them
then, and let 'em have itl But how can we
manage all them redcoats ? Oh ! says their
leaders, old France will send a fleet and soc^ra,
and YaiUdes will send an army. Yankies very
fond of us,-— all lamin' French apurpose; — ^very
fond of Catholics too, all thro' New England ; —
great friend of oum, — hate EngUsh like the diable.
Allong dong, then, they say ; up and cut their
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
214 THE CLOCKHAKER.
throats 1 and when winter cornea, bum 'em up. —
hang 'em up, — use 'em up '. One grand French
nation we shall have here then ; all French, and
no sacra English.
But do they really talk such nonsense to them
as that, or are they such fools to believe it ? Fact,
I assure you ; they are so ignorant they beheve it
all, and will believe anything they tell 'em. It is a
Comfortable ignorance they are in too, for they are
actilly the happiest critters on the fece of the airth,'
—but then it is a dangerous ignorance, for it is so
easily imposed upon. I bad been always led to'
believe, I stud, that it was a great constitutional
question that was at stake, — the right to stop the
supplies ; and from hearing there were so many
speculative and theoretical points of dispute
between them and the English as to the machinery
of the local government, I thought they were at
least an enlightened people, and one that, feeling
they had rights, were determined to maintain those
rights at all hazards. Oh, dear, said the Clock-
maker, where have you been all your bom days,
not to know better nor that? They don't know
nothin' about the matter, nordon't want to. Even
them that talk about those things in the assembly
don't know much more ; but they jist know enough
to ax for what they know they can't get, then call
it a grievance, and pick a quarrel about it. Why,
they've got all they want, and more nor they could
have under us, or any other power on the face of
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CANADIAN POLITICS. 215
theairth than the English, — ay more than they could
have if they were on their own hook. They have
their own laws, — and pl^;uy queer, old-feshioned
- laws they are too,' — Old Scratch himself couldn't
onderstand'em; theirparleyvoo language, religion,
old customs and usages, and every thing else, and
no taxes at all.
If such is the case what makes their leaders dis-
contented ? There must be something wrong some-
where, when there is so much disaffection ? All
that is the matter may be summed up in one word,
said the Clockmaker, French, — devil a thing else
but that — French. You can't make an English-
man out of a Frenchman, any more than you can a
white man out of a nigger ; if the skin ain't differ-
ent, the tongue is. But, said I, though you can-
not make the Ethiopian change his skin, you can
make the Frenchman change his language. Ay,
now you have it, I guess, said he } you've struck
the right nail on the head this time. The reform
they want in Canada is to give 'em English laws
and English language. Make 'em use it in courts
and public matters, and make an English and not
a French colony of it ; and you take the sting out
o' the snake, — the critter becomes harmless. Them
doctors pyson 'em. Them chaps go to France, get
inoculated there with infidelity, treason, and repub-
litanism, and come out and spread it over the
country like small-pox. They've got a bad set o'
doctors in a g^eral way, I tell you ; and when
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
216 THE CLOCKMAKER.
rebellioD breaks out there, as you'll see it will to a
sarttuntjr by-and-bye, you'll find them doctors lead-
ing them on everywhere,— the very worst fellers
among 'em,— boys of the glorious July days to
Puis. Well, it's no use atalkin', squire, about
it J if 8 a pity, too, to see the poor simple critters
80 imposed upon as they be, for they'll catch it, if
they do rebel, to a sartainty. Jist as sure as
Papinor takes that step he is done for, — he's a
refugee in six weeks in the States, with a price set
on his head, for the critter won't fight. The
English all say he wants the clear grit— ain't got
the 8tuff~no ginger in him— it's all talk.
The last time I was to Montreal, I seed a good
deal of the leaders of the French ; they were very
civil to me, and bought ever so many of my clocks,
^they said they liked to trade with their American
friends, it was proper to keep up a good feelin'
among neighbours. There was one Doctor Jodrie
there, a'most everlastin'ly at my heels a introducin'
of me to his countrymen, and recommendin' them
to trade with me. Well, I went to his shop one
night, and when he heerd my voice, he come out
of a back room, and said he, walk in here, Mount-
sheer Slick, I want you for one particular use ;
come along with me, my good feller, there are some
friends here atakin' of a glass u' grog along with
me and a pipe ; — won't you join ua ? Well, said I,
I don't care if I do j I won't be starched. A pipe
wouldn't be amiss jist now, says I, nor a glass of
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CANADIAN POLITICS. 21?
grog neither ; so in I went : but my mind mis^ved
me there was some mischief abrewin' in there, as
I seed he bolted the door arter him, and bo it
turned out.
The' room was full of chaps, all doctors, and no-
taries, and members of assembly, with little short
pipes in their months, achkttin' away like so many
monkeys, and each man had his tumbler o' hot
rum and water afore him on the table. Sons o'
liberty, says he, here's a brother, Mount-sheer
Slick, a haul o' jaw olockmaker. Well, they all
called out, Five Clockmaker ! No, says I, not
five clockmakers, but only one ; and hardly trade
enough for him neither, I guess. Well, they haw-
hawed like anything, for they beat all natur* for
larfin', them French. Five is the same as hurrah,
says he, — long life to you ! Oh ! says I, I onder-
stand now. No fear of that any how, when I am
in the hands of a doctor. Yankee hit htm hard that
tinie, be gar I said a little onder-sized, parchment-
skianed lookin' lawyer. May be so, said the doc-
tor ; but a feller would stand as good a chance for
his life in my hands, I guess, as he would in yourn,
if he was to be defended in court by you. The
critters all yelled right out at this joke, and struck
the table with their fists till the glasses all rang
ag'in. Bon, bon, says they. Says the doctor.
Don't you understand French, Mr. Slick ? No,
says I, not one word; I wish to goodness I did
though, for I find it very awkward sometimes
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
218 THE CLOCKMAKER.
atradin' without it. (I always said so when I was
axed that are question, so as to hear what was
agoin' on : it helped me in my business consider-
able. I coul*. always tell whether they actilly
wanted a clock or not, or whether they had the
money to pay for it : they let out all their secrets.)
Would you like to see a bull-bait, said he } we
are goin' to bait a bull wintCT arter next, — grand
fun, said he ; we^ put fire to his tul,— stick squibs
and matches into his hide, — make him kit^, and
roar, and toss, like the diable : then we'll put tlie
d(^ on, worry him so long as he can stand, — then
tamn him, kill him, skin him, and throw his
stinkin' carcass to the dogs and de crows. Yes,
said the other fellers, kill him, damn him,— kill
him ! and they got up and waved their glasses oyer
their heads :— death to the beast " d la lanteme,"
Says one of them in French t» the doctor,
Prenny garde, — are you sure, are you clear he is
not English ? Oh, sartain, said he in the same
lingo ; he is a Yankee clockmakin', cheatin, vaga-
bond from Boston, or thereabouts ; but we must
court him,— -we must be cavil to them if we expect
their aid. If we once get clear o' the English, we
will soon rid ourselves of them too. They are
chips of the old block, them Yankees ; a bad
breed on both sides o' the water. Then tumin*
to me, says he, I was just desirin' these gentlemen,
Mr. Slick, to drink your health, and that of the
United States. Thank you, says I, I believe our
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CANADIAN P0UT1C3. 219
people and the French onderstand each other very
well; a very (fmn/em/et;( friendship on both aides.
Oh, sartain, says he, apattin' of his hand on his
heart, and looldn' spooney. One aenliinent, one
grand sympathy of feelin', one real amitty yea.
Your health, sir, s^d be; and they all stood np
ag'in and made a deuce of a roar over it ! Five
Americanes !
I hope yon have good dogs, said I, for your
bull-bait ? Oh, true breed and no mistake, said
he. It takes a considerable of a stiff dog, aays I,
and one of the rael grit, to face a bull. Them
fellers, when they get their danders up, are plaguy
onsafe critters ; they'll toss and gore the common
kind like notbin', — make all dy ag'in : it fun't over-
safe to come too near 'em when they are once
fairly raised. If there is anythin' in natur' I'm
afeerd on, it's a bull when he is ryled. Oh yes,
said be, we got the dogs, plenty of 'em too, — ge-
nuine breed from old France, kept pure ever since
it came here, except a slight touch of the fox and
the wolf ; the one makes 'em run faster, and fother
bite sharper. If s a grand breed. Thinks I to
myself, I onderstand you, my hearties. I see your
drift ; go the whole fignr', and do the thing gen-
teel. Try your hand at it, will youj and if John
Bull don't send you aflyin' into the air sky-high,
in little less than half no time, it's a pity. A pretty
set o' yelptn' curs you be to face such a critter as
he is, ain't you ? Why, the very moment he be-
L 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
220 THE CLOCKMAKEB.
gins to paw and to roar, youTl run sneakin' off
with your tails atween your legs, ayelpin' and
Bsqueelin' as if Old Nick himself was arter you.
Great man, your Washington, says the doctor.
Very, says I ; no greater ever hved — ^p'r'aps the
world never seed his ditto. And Papinor is a
great man, too, said he. Very, siud I, especially
in the talking line — he'd heat Washin'ton at that
game, I guess by a long chalk. I hope, says he,
some day or another, Mr. Slick, and not far off
neither, we shall be a free and independent people,
like you. We shall be the France of America
afore long— the grand nation— the great empire.
It's our destiny — everything foretells it, — I can
see it as plain as can be. Thinks I to myself,
this is a good time to broach our interests ; and if
there is to be a break-up here, to put in a spoke
in the wheel for our folks— a stitch in time saves
nine. So, says 1, you needn't flatter yourselves,
doctor ; you can't be a distinct nation ; it ain't
possible in the natur* o' things. You may jine us,
if you Uke, and there would be some sense in that
move, — that's a feet ; but you never can stand
alone here— no more than a lame man can without
crutches, or a child of six days old. No, not if all
the colonies were to unite, you couldn't do it.
Why, says I, jist see here, doctor; you couldn't
show your noses on the fishin' ground for one
minit— you can hardly do it now, even tho' the
British have you onder thwr wing. Our folks
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CANADIAN POLinca. 221
would drive you off the banks, seize your fish, tear
your nets, and lick you like a sack — and then go
home and swear you attacked them first, and our
government would seize the fisheries as an indem*
nification. How could you support an army and
a navy, and a diplomacy, and make for^cations ?
Why, you couldn't build and support one frigate,
nor maintmn one regiment, nor garrison Quebec,
itself, let alone the out-posts. Our folks would
navigate the St. Lawrence in spite of your teeth,
and the St. John River too, and how could you
help yourselves ? They'd smuggle you out of
yom: eye-teeth, and swear you never had any.
Our fur traders would attack your fur traders, and
drive 'em all in. Our people would enter here and
settle — then kick up a row, call for American
volunteers, declare themselves independent, and
ask admission into the Union ; and afore you
know'd where you were, you'd find yourselves one
of our states. Jist look at what is goin' on to
Texas, and what has gone on to Florida, and then
see what will go on here. We shall own clean
away up to the North and South Pole, afore
we're done.
Says the doctor in French, to the other chaps,
that would be worse than bein' a colony to the
English. Them Yankee villains would break up
our laws, language, and customs ; that cat wouldn't
jump at all, would it ? Jamais, Jamais ! says the
company. Me must have fdd from old France ;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
223 THE CLOCKHAKER.
we most be the grand nation, and the great empire,
ourselves ; — and he atopt, vent to the door, on-
bolted it, looked round the abop, and then turned
the bolt ag'in. Would your folks, says he, help us
if we waa to rerolt, Mr. Slick ? Certainly, sud I ;
they'd help you all they could, and not go to war
with the British. They'd leave all the armories on
the line onguarded, so you could run over and pre-
tend to rob 'em, and leave all the cannon in the
forts without anybody to see arter them, so you
might have them if you wanted diem. Lots o*
chaps would volunteer in your ranks, and our
<atizens would subscribe handsum*. Iliey'd set
np a clum pretty fierce, at the same time, about
the Xew Brunswick boundary line, so as to
make a devarsion in your favour in that quar-
ter. We can't go to war jist now ; it would ruin
us, stock and fluke. We should lose our trade
and shippin', and onr niggers and Indgians are
ugly customers, and would take a whole anny
to watch them in case of a war. We'd do all we
could to help you as a pet^le, but not as a govem-
ment. We'd ^imish you with arms, ammunition,
provision, money, and volunteers. We'd let you
into our country, but not the British. We'd
he^ you to arrange your plans and to dersnga
theim. But we'd have to respect our treaties, for
we are a high-minded, right-minded, sound-
minded, and religious people. We scrupulously
fulfill our engagements. What we undertake we
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CANADIAN FOUTICS. 223
perform — there's no mistake in xis,^you always
luiow where to find us. We are onder great
obligations to the British — they saved us from the
expense and miseries of a war with Fiance— they
have built us up with their capital and their
credit, and are our best customers. We could
not, consistently with our treaties or our con-
science, send an army or a navy to help you;
but we will hire you or lend you our steam-boats,
and other craft ; send you men to make an army,
and the stuff to feed, clothe, arm, and pay
them. In short, the nation of the airth will look
on with admiration at the justice and integrity of
our doings. We shall respect the treaty with
the British on the one aide, and prove ourselves a
kind, a liberal, and most obliging neighbour to you
on the other. Ciovemment will Issue proclama-
tions against interference. The press of the
country will encourage it. The naUon will be
neutral but every soul in it wiU ud you. Yes,
we are as straight as a shingle in our dealins, and
do things above board handsum'. We do love a
fair deal above all things — that's a fact. Bon,
bon; says they, Les aristocrats & la lanteme,
and they broke out a singin', a la lanteme.
It was now twelve o'clock at night when we
quit, and jist as we got into the street I heerd
the word Doric, Doric — and, says I, what on airth,
is that ? — ^what sort o' a critter is a Doric ? A
Doric is a loyalist, says they, — a diable bull, —
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
S24 THE CLOCKHAKER.
tturifoutre, — kill him, — and they arter him, full
aplit like the wind, caught him knocked him
down, and moat finished him — they e'en a'most
beat him to a jelly, and left him for dead. That's
the way, aaya they, we'll saire every Englishman
in Canada,— extarminate 'em, damn 'em. lime
for me to be off, says I, a'most, I'm athinkin' ;
it's considerable well on towards mornin'. Good
night. Mount-sheer. Bon noore, bon twore I says
they, aaingin' —
And the last I heerd of them, at the end of the
street, was an ererlastin' almighty shout. Five
Ptipinor — ^five Papinor !
Yes, I pity them poor Canadians, said the Clock-
maker. They are a loyal, contented, happy
people, if them sarpents of doctors and lawyers
would leave *em alone, and let 'em be, and not
pyson their minds with all sort of lies and locrums
about their government. They will spunk 'em up
to rebellion at last, and when it does come to
the scratch, they will desart 'em as sure as eggs
is ^gs, and leave 'em to be shot down by the
sodgers : they ain't able of themselves to do no-
thin', them Canadians; theyain't got the means nor
the enei^, nor the knowledge for it ; they ain't
like the descendants of the Pilgrims — thafs a
fact. The worst of it is, too, the punishment
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CANADIAN POLITICS. 225
won't fell on the right heada neither, for them
critters wilt cut and nin to a sartainty ; — I know
it, I'm e'en a'most sure of itj— if they'd ahad
the true blue in *em, they wouldn't have half mur-
dered and maimed that poor defenceless Doric,
as they did. None but cowards do 'em are
things}— a brave man fights — a coward sticks a
bowie knife into your ribs ; but pVaps it will all
turn out for the best yet in the eend, said he ;
for if there is a blow up, Papinor will oflF to the
States full chisel with the other leaders, — the
first shot, and them that they don't catch and
hang, can never show their faces in Canada
ag'in. It will clear the country of them, as they
clear a house of rats— frighten 'em out of their
seven senses by firin' off a gun.
A ikunderatorm, squire, aaid the Clockmdker,
most always cools the air, clears the sky, lays the
dust, and makes all look about right ag'in.
Everything will depend on how the English
work it arterwards; if they blunder ag'in, they'll
never be able to set it to rights. What course
ought they to adopt ? said I, for the subject is one
in which I feel great interest. I'll tell you,
said he. First, they should , and he suddenly
checked himself, as if doubtful of the propriety of
answering the question ; — and then smiling, as if
he had discovered a mode of escaping the difficulty,
he continued, — They should make you plentpo,
and appoint me your secretary.
I. S
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XVII.
A CURE FOR BMUGOLING.
WHBBBVBRno/ur' doet least, num doea most, said
the Clockmaker. Jist see the difference atween
these folks here to Liverpool and them up the ba^
of Pundy. There natur' has given them the finest
country in the world,^she has taken away all the
soil from this place, and chucked it oat there, and
left nothin' but rocks and stones here. There they
jist vegetate, and here they go a-head like any-
thing. I was credibly informed, when Liverpool
was first settled, folks had to carry little light ladders
on their shoulders to climb over the rocks, and
now they've got better streets, better bouses,
better gardens, and a better town than any of the
baymen. They carry on a considerable of a fishery
here, and do a great stroke in the timber business.
I shall never forget a talk I had with Ichsbod
Gates here, and a frolic him and me had with a
tide-waiter. Ichabod had a large store o' goods,
and I was in there one evenin' adrinkin' tea along
with- him, and we got atalkin' about smugglin'.
Says he, Mr. Slick, your people ruin the trade
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
A CURE FOR SMUQOUNQ. 227
here, they do smuggle so ; I don't know as I erer
shall be able to get rid of my stock of goods, and it
cost me a conBiderable of a sum too. What a pity
it is them navy people, instead of carryin' freights
of money from the West Indgiea, wam't employed
more aprotectin' of our fisheries and our trade.
Why don't you smuggle then too, says I, and meet
*em in their own way ?— tit for tat— diamond cut
diamond — smu^le yonrselvea and seize Mem ; — free
trade and sailors* rights is our maxim. Why, says
he, I ain't jist altogether certified that it's right ;
it goes ag'in my conscience to do the like o' that
are, and I must say I like a fiur deal. In a general
way a'most, I've observed wbafs got orerthe devil's
back is commonly lost onder his belly. It don't
seem to wear well. Well, that's onconvenient, too,
to be so thin skinned, said X ; for conscience most
commonly has a hide as thick as the sole of one's
foot ; you may cover it with leather to make it look
decent-like, but it will bear a considerable hard
scnibbin' without anytbin* over it. Now, says 1,
I will put you on a track that will sarve you with-
out bringin' corns on your conscience either. Do
you jist pretend to smuggle and make believe as if
you were agoin' the whole hog in it. It's safer and
foil out as profitable as the rael thing, and besides
there's no sort o' risk in it in the world. When
folks hear a thing is smuggled they always think
it's cheap, and never look into the price ; they bite
directly — it's a grand bait that. Now always on-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
228 THE CLOCRMAKER.
load your Teasels at night, and let folks bear a cart
again* into your place atween two and three o'clock
in the momin*; fix one o' the axlesso it will squeak
like a pig, and do you look sospicions, mysterious,
and oneasy. Says you, (when a chap says, I guess
you were ap late last night>) ax me no questions,
and 111 tell yon no lies. There are so many
phnpin'- eyes aboat now, a body has to be cautious,
if he don't want to get into the centre of a hob-
ble. If I'm up late, I guess if s nobody's business
but my own I'm about anyhow ; but I hope yon
won't make no remarks about what you seed or
beerd.
Well, when a feller axes arter a thing, do you
jist stand and look at him for a space without say-
in' a word, inquirin' like with a dubersum' look, as
if you didn't know as you could trust him or no ;
then jist wink,' put your finger on your nose, and
say mum is the word. Take a candle and light it,
and say, foller me now, and take him into the
cellar. Now, says you,' friend, don't betray me, I
beseech you, for your life ; don't let on to any one
about this place ; — people will never think o' sus-
pectin' me, if you only keep dark about it. I'll let
you see some things, says you, that will please you,
X know ; but don't blow me — that's a good soul.
This article, says you, atakin' up one that cost
three pounds, I can afford to let you have as low
as five pounds, and that one as cheap as six pounds,
on one condition, — but mind you it's on them
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
A CURE FOR SHUQQLING. 229
tanns only,— and that is, that you don't tell any
one, not even your wife, where you got it ; but
you musit promise me on the word and honour of a
man. The critter will fsH rightinto the trap, and
swear by all that's good he'll never breathe it to a
livin' soulj and then go right off and tell his wife,
and you might as well pour a thing into a filteriii'
stone as into a woman's ear ; it will run right thro',
and she'll go ahra^n' toher neighbours of the
bai^n they got, and swear them to secrecy, and
they'll tell the whole country in the same way, as a
secret of the cheap things Ichabod Gates has.
Well, the excise folks will soon hear o* this, and
come and sarch your house from top to bottom,
and the sarch will make your fortin', for, as they
can't find nothin', you will get the credit of doin'
the officers in great style.
Well, well, said Ichabod, if you Yankees don't
l>eat all natur'. I don't believe on my soul there's
a critter in all Nova Scotia would athought o'
such a scheme as that, but it's a grand joke, and
comports with conscience, for it paralls pretty
close with the truth : I'll try it. Try it, says I, to
be sure ; let's go right off this blessed night, and
hide away a parcel of your goods in the cellar, —
put some in the garret and some in the gig-house.
Begin and sell to-morrow, and all the time I'm to
Liverpool I'll keep a runnin' in and out o' your
liouse; sometimes 111 jist come to the comer of
the fence, put my head over and draw it back ag'in.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
230 THE CLOCKHAKER.
as if I didn't want folks to see me, and sometimes
I'll make aa if I was agoin' out, aDd if I see any one
acomin' I'll spring back and hide behind tbe door :
it will set tbe wbole town on the look-out, — and
they'll say it's me that asmogglin' eitiier on my
own book or yonm. In three days be bad a great
run o' custom, particularly arter night-fall. It was
fun alive to see bow the critters were bammed by
that hoax.
On tbe fifth day the tide-waiter came. Mr.
Slick, says he, I've information th — . Glad to
bear it, aaya I : an officer without information
would be a poor tool— that's a fact. Well, it
brought him up all astandin'. Says he, Do you
know who you are atalkin' to i Yes, says I, I
guess I do; I'm talkin' to a man of information,
and that bein' the case, I'll be bo bold as to ax you
one question, — have you anything to say to me,
for I'm in a considerable of a hurry f Yes, said he,
I have. I'm informed you have smuggled goods
in the bouse. Well, then, says I, you can say
what many.galls can't boaston atanyrate. What's
that ? says he. Why, says I, that you are mtmn-
formed.
Mr. Gates, said he, give me a candle— I must go
to the cellar. Sartainly, sir, smd Ichabod, you
may sarch where you please : I've never smuggled
yet, and I am not agoin' now to commence at my
time of life. As soon as be got the candle, and was
agoin down to the cellar with Gates, I called out to
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
A CURE FOR SMUGOUNG. 231
Ichabod. Here, says 1, Ich, run quick, for your
life — nov's your time ; and off we ran up stairs as
hard as we could leg it, and locked the door ; the
sarcher heerin' that, up too and arterus hotfoot,
and bust open it. AsBoonasweheerdhimadoin' of
that, we out o' the other door and locked that
also, and down the back stairs to where we started
from. It was some time afore he broke in the se-
cond door, and then he follered us down, lookin
like a proper fool. I'll pay you up for this, said he
tome. I hope so, said I, and Ichabod too. A
pretty time o' day this nhen folks can tare and
race overadecent man's house, and smash all afore
him this way for nothin', ain't it ? Them doors
you broke all to pieces will come to sunthin', you
may depend ; — a joke is a joke, but that's no joke.
Arter that he took his time, sarched the cellar,
upper rooms, lower rooms, and garret, and found
nothin' to seize ; he was all cut up, and amazin'
Texed and put out. Says I, Friend, if you want to
catch a weasel, you must catch him asleep ; now, if
you want to catch me a smugglin', rise considerably
airly in the mornin', will you ? This story made
Ichabod's fortin' a'most : he had smuggled goods to'
sell for three years, and yet no one could find him
in the act, or tell where onder the sun he hid 'em
away to. At last the secret leaked out, and it
fwrly broke up smugglin' on the whole shore.
That story has done more nor twenty officers—
that's 8 fact.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
332 THE CLOCKHAKER.
There's notlim' s'moat, sud the Clockmaker, I
like so much as to see folks cheat themselves. I
don't know as I ever cheated a man myself in my
life : I like to do things above board handsum', and
go strait ahead; but if a chap seems bent on
chea^' himself, 1 like to be neighbourly and help
him to do it. I mind once, when I was to the east-
ward of Halifax atradin', I bought a young horse to
use while I gave old Clay a run to grass. I do
that most every fall, and it does the old critter a
deal of good. He kinder seems to take a new
lease every time, it sets him up so. Well, he was
a most aspccial horse, but he had an infarnal tem-
per, and it required all my knowledge of horse
flesh to manage him. He'd kick, sull^ back, bite,
refuse to draw, or run away, jist as he took the no-
tion. I mastered him, but it was jist as much as a
bargain too ; and I don't believe, tho' I say it my-
self, there is any other gentleman in the province
could have managed him but me. Well, there was
a parson livin' down there that took a great fancy
to that horse. Whenever he seed me adrivin' by,
he always stopt to look at his action and gait,
and admired him amazinly. Thinks I to myself,
that man is inokilated — it'll break out soon — he is
detarmined to cheat himself, and if he is, there is
no help for it, as I see, but to let him. One day I
was adrivin' out at a'most a deuce of a size, and he
stopped me. Hallo 1 says he, Mr. Slick, where
are you agoin' in such a desperate hurry i I want
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
A CURE FOE SMUGGUNG. 233
to Speak a word to you. So I pulls up short.
Momin'j says I, parson, how do you do to-day ?
That's a very clever horse of yourrij says he. Mid-
dlin', says I ; he does my work, but he's notHn* to
brag on ; he ain't jist equal to old Clay, and I doubt
if there's are a blue-nose horse that is either.
Fine action that horse, said he. Well, aays I, peo
pie do say he has considerable fine action, but
that's better for himself, than me, for it makes him
travel easier.
How many miles will he trot in the hour ? said
he. Well, says I, if he has a mind to and is well
managed, he can do fifteen handsum'. Will you
sell him ? said he. Well, s^d I, parson, I would
sell him, but not to you; the truth is, said I,
smilin', I have a great regard for ministers ; the
best fiiend I ever had was one, the Reverend
Joshua Hopewell, of Shckville, and I wouldn't
sell a horse to one I didn't think would suit him.
Ohl said he, the horse would suit me exactly;
I like him amazin'ly : whafs your price ? Fifty
pounds to anybody else said I, but fifty-five to
you, parson, for I don't want you to have him at
no price. If he didn't suit you, people would say
I cheated you, and cheatin' a parson is, in my
mind, pretty much of a piece with robbin' of a
church. Folks would think considerable hard of
me for to go for to sell you a horse that wom't
quite the thing, and I shouldn't blame them one
mite or morsel if they did. Why, what's the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
234 THE CLOCKHAKejt.
matter of him ? said he. Well, says I, minister
says I, alarfin' right out, ererything is the matter
of him. Oh ! says he, that's kU nonsense : I've
seen the horse in your hands often, and desire no
bettert Well, says I, he will mni away with you, if
he gets a chance, to a sartainty. I will drive him
with a curb, said he. He will kick, aaya I. I'll put
a back strap on him, sud he. He will go back-
wards faster than forward, said I. I will give him
the whip and teach him better, says he. Well,
says I, alarfin' like anything, he won't go at all
sometimes. Ill take my chance of that, said he ;
but you must take off that live pounds. Well, says
I, parson, I don't want to sell you the horse— that's
a fact ; hut if you must have him, I suppose you
must, and I will suhstrect the five pounds on one
condition, and that is, if you don't like the beast,
you tell folks that you would have him, tho' I tried
to set him out as bad as I could, and said every-
thin' of him I could lay my tongue to. Well, says
he, the horse is mine, and if be don't suit me, I
acquit you of all blame.
Well, he took the horse, and cracked and boast-
ed most prodigiously of him ; he said he wouldn't
like to take a hundred pounds for him ; that be
liked to a buy a horse of a Yankee, for they were
such capital judges of horse-fleBb they hardly ever
almost had a had one, and that he knew he was
agoin' to get a first-chop one, the moment he found
I didn't want to sell him, and that he never saw a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
A CURE FOR SMUGGLING. 235
man so loath to part with a beast Oh dear ! how
I larfed in my sleeve when I heerd tell of the
goney talkin' such nonsense ; thinks I, he'll live to
lam yet some things that dn't writ down in Latin
afore he dies, or I'm mistakened — ^that's all. In
the course of a few days the horse began to find
he'd changed hands, and he thought he'd try what
sort o' stuff his new master was made on ; so he
jist took the bit in his mouth one fine mornin', and
ran off with him, and kicked his gig all to flinders,
and nearly broke the parson's neck j and findin'
that answer, he took to all his old tricks ag'in, and
got worse than ever. He couldn't do nothin' with
itiro, — even the helps were frightened out of their
lives to go into the stable to him, heskeerdthemso.
So he come to me one day lookin' quite streaked,
and, says he, Mr. Slick, that horse I bought of you
is a perfect divil ; I never saw such a critter in my
life; I can neither ride him nor drive him. He
jist does what he pleases with us, and we can't help
ourselves nohow. He actilly beats all the onruly
animals I ever seed in my life. Well, says I, I
told you so, minister — I didn't want to sell him to
you at all ; but you would have him. I know you
did, said he J but you larfed so all the time, I
thought you were in jeest. I thought you didn't
care to sell him, and jist sidd so to put me off,
jokin' like : I had no idee you were in aimest : I
wouldn't give ten pounds for him. Nor I neither,
said I ; I wouldn't take him as a gift, and be bound
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
236 THE CLOCKMAKER.
to keep him. How could you then, sud he, have
the conscience to ax me fifty pounds for him, and
pocket it so coolly ? To prevent you from buyin'
him, parson, said I, tbatwas my reason. I did all I
could for you, I axed you five times as much aa he
was worth, and said all 1 could think on to run
him down too; hut you took yourself in. There's
two ways of tellin' a thing, sud he, Mr. Slick, — in
aimest and in jeest. You told it as if you were in
jeest, and I took it so ; you may call it what you
like, but I call it a deception still. Parson, says I,
how many ways you may have of tellin' a thing I
don't know; but Ihave only one, and that's the true
way : I told you the truth, but you didn't choose to
believe it. Now, says I, I feel kinder sorry for
you too J but I'll tell you how to get out o^ the
scrape. I can't take him back, or folks would say
it was me and not you that cheated yourself. Do
you ship him. You can't sell him here without
doin' the fair thing, as I did, tellin' all his faults ;
and if you do, no soul would take him as a present,
for people will beUeve you, tho' it seems they won't
always believe a Clockmaker. Jist send him off
to the West Indgies, and sell him at auction there
for what he will fetch. He'll bring a good price :
and if he gets into a rael right down gemaoine
horseman's hands, there's no better horse. He
said nothin', but shook his head, as if that cat
wouldn't jump.
Now, says I, there's another bit of advice I'll
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
A CURE FOR SMUGGLING. 237
^ve you free gratis for nothin', — never (my a horse
en the dealer's judgment, or he wUl cheat you {f
he can ; never buy him on your own, or you wiil
cheat yourseyas sure as you are bom. In that
case, smd he, larfin\ a man will be sure to be
cheated either way ; how is he to guard ag'in bein'
taken in, then ? Well, says I, he stands a fair
chance, anyway of havin' the leake put into him —
that's sartain, for next to womankind there is no>
thin' so deceitful as horse-flesh that ever I seed
yet. Both on 'em are apt to be spoiled in the
breakin': both on 'em puzzle the best judges some-
times to tell their age when well vamped up, and
it takes some time afore you find out all their
tricks. Pedigree must be attended to in bott cases,
particularly on the mother's side, and both require
good trainin', a steady hand, and careful usage.
Yes J both branches require great experience and
the most knowin' ones do get bit sometimes most
beautiful. Well, says he, as touching horses, how
is a man to avoid bein' deceived ? Well, says I,
111 tell you— never buy ahqrse of a total stranger
on no account, — never buy a horse of a gentleman,
for Why, siud he, he's the very man I should
like to buy of, above all others. Well, then, says
I, he's not the man for my money, anyhow ! you
think you are safe with him, and don't inquire
enough, and take too much for granted : you are
apt to cheat yourself in that caae. Never buy a
crack horse ; he's done too much. Never buy a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
23fl THE CLOCKMAKER.
colt ; he's done too little ; you can't tell how he'll
torn out. In short, says I, it's a considerable of a
long story to go all through with it; it would
take me less time to teach you how to make a
clock, I calculate. If you buy from a man who ain't
a dealer, he actilly don't know whether his horse is
a good one or not ; you most get advice from a
friend who does know. If you buy from a dealer,
he is too much for yon or your friend either. If he
has no honour, don't trade with him. If he has,
put yourself wholly and entirely on it, and hell
not deceive you, there's no mistake— he'll do the
thing genteel. If you'd a' axed me candidly now
aboutthatarehorse,sayaI,rd At that he looked
up to me quite hard for a space, without sayin' a
word, but pressed his lips together quite mifiy Uke,
as if he was strivin' for to keep old Adam down,
and turned short o£F and walked away. 1 felt kinder
pity for him too ; but if a man is so iitfamal wise,
he thinks he knows better nor you, and will cheat
himself in spite of all you can do, why there is no
help for it, as I see, but to let him. Do you,
squire ?
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CHAPTER XVIII.
TAKING OFF THE FACTORY
There are f«w countries in the world, squire, siud
the Clockmaker, got such fine water-powers as
these provinces; but the folks don't make no use
of 'em, tho' the materials for factories are spread
about in abundance everywhere. Perhaps the
whole worid might be stumped to produce such a
factory stand as Niagara fall; what a nation sight
of machinery that would carry, wouldn'tit? — supply
all Barmin'ham a'most.
The first time I returned from there, minister,
said Sam, said he, you have seen the falls of Nia-
gara ? Yes, sir, said 1, 1 gness I have. Well, said
he, ain't it a'most a grand sight that ? I guess it
is a sci/e, says I, and it would be a grand speck
to get up a jint stock company for factory pur-
poses, for such another place for mills ain't to be
found atween the poles. Oh dear! said I, onlythink
of the cardin' mills, fullin* mills, cotton mills, grain
mills, saw mills, plaster mills, and gracious knows
what sort o' mills might be put up there, and never
iaii for water : any fall you like, and any power you
want, and yet them goneys the British let all run
awaytowaste. It'sadreadfiilpity, ain'tit? Oh Sam!
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
340 THE CLOCKHAKRE.
Bud he, — and he jumped as if he was bit by a sar-
pent right up on eend, now don't talk so pro&ne,
my sakes !— don't talk so sacrilegious. How that
dreadful thirst o' gain has absorbed all other feel-
ins in OUT people, when such an idea could be
entertained for a moment ! If s a grand spectacle,
it's the voice of natur' in the wilderness, pre-
claimin' to the untutored tribes thereof the power
and majesty and glory of God. It is consecrated
by the visible impress of the great invisible Archi-
tect. It b sacred ground — a temple not made by
hands. It cannot be viewed without fear and trem-
bha*, nor contemplated without wonder and awe.
It proclums to man, as to Moses of old, " Draw
not nigh hither, put off thy shoes from off thy feet,
for the place where thou standest is holy ground."
He who Appeared in a flame of fire in the bush,
and the bush was not consumed, appears also in
the rush of water, and the water diminishes not.
Talk not to me of mills, factories, and machi-
nery, sir, nor of introducin' the money-changers
into the temple of theLord. Talknot. — You needn't
go, said I, minister, for to work yourself up that
way agi'n me, I do assure you, for I didn't mean
to say nothin' out o' the way at all ; so come
now. And now you do mention it, says I, it does
seem kinder grand-like — that are great big lake
does seem like an everlastin large milk-pan with
a Up for pourin' at the falls, and when it does
fall head over heels, all white iroth and spray
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TAKING OFT THE FACTORY LADIES, 2-il
like Fhcebe's syllabub, it does look grand, no doubt,
and it's nateral for a minister to think on it as
you do ; but still for all that, for them that ain't
preachers, I defy most any man to see it, without
thinkin' of a cotton mill.
Well, well, said he, awavin' of his hand ; say no
more about it, and he walked into his study and
shot to the door. He wam't like other men, mi-
nister. He was full of crotchets that way, and
the sight of the sea, a great storm, a starry sky,
or even a mere fiower, would make him fly right
off at the handle that way when you wam't athink-
in' on it at all ; and yet for all that he was the
most cheerfiil critter I ever seed, and nothin' amost
pleased him so much as to see young folks enjoyin'
themselves as merry as crickets. He used to say
that youth, innocence, and cheerfulness was what
was meant by the three graces. It was a curious
kink, too, he took about them falls, wam't it ? for,
arter all, atween you and me, it's nothin* but a ,
river takin' a lick over a cliff full split, instead of
runnin' down hill the old way — 1 never hear tell
of 'em I don't think of that tantrum of hisn.
Our factories in New England are one of the best
fruits of the last war, squire, sud he; they are
actilly worth seein'. 1 know I have reason to speak
well of 'em, any how, for it was them gave me my
first start in life, and a pleasant start it was too, as
well as a profitable one. I spent upwards of a year
there among the galls, atakin' of them off in the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
242 THE CLOCKMAK£R.
portrait line, and in that time I cleared three hun-
dred pounds of your money good: it wam't so bad
that, was it ?
When I was down to Rhodejlsland, larnin' bron-
zin', gildin', and sketchin' for the clock business.
I worked at odd times for the Honourable Eli Wad,
a foundationalist — a painting for him. A foun-
dationalist, said I ; what is UiHt > — is it a religious
sect ? No, said he ; it's a bottom-maker. He only
made bottoms, be didn't make arms and legs, and
he sold these wooden bottoms to the chair-makers.
He did 'em by a sarcular saw and a tumin' lathe,
and he turned 'em off amazin' quick; he made a
fortin out of the invention, for he shipped 'em to
every part of the Union. The select men objected
to his sign of bottom-maker ; they said it didn't
sonnd pretty, and he altered it to foundationalist.
That was one cause the speck turned out so well^
for every one that seed it a'most stopt to inquire
what it meant, and it brought his patent into great
vogue ; many's the larf folks had over that sign, I
tell you.
So, said he, when I had done. Slick, said he,
you've a considerable of a knack with the brush, it
would be a grand speck for you to go to Lowell
and take off the factory ladies ; you know what the
women are — ^most allon 'em will want to have their
ikeness taken. The whole art of portrait paintin',
aays he, as far as my observation goes, lies in a free
skecht of the leadin featur. Give it good measure :
D,s,t,ioflb,Googlc
TAKING OFF THE FACTORY IjVDIES. 243
do you take ? No, says I, I don't onderstRnd one
word ofit. Well, says he, what I mean is this ;
see what the leadin' featur is, and exa^^erate that,
and you hare a strikin' likeness. If the nose is
large, jist make it a little more so ; if there is a
slight cast o' the eye, give it a squint ; a strong
line in the &ce, deepen it ; a big mouth, enlarge it ;
a set smile, make it a smirk ; a high cheek bone,
square it out well. Reciprocate this by puntin' the
rest o' the face a little bandsumer, and you have it
complete ; you'll never ful — there's no mistake.
Dead colorin, with lots of varnish, will do for that
market, and six dollars apiece for the picturs is
about the fair deal for the price. If you don't suc-
ceed, I will give my head for a foot-ball. You'll
hear 'em all say. Oh ! that's her nose to a hair, —
that's her eye exactly ; you could tell that mouth
anywhere, that smile you could swear to as far
as you can see it — it's a'most a beautiful likeness.
She's taken off complete — it's as nateral as bfe.
You could do one at a sittin*, or six a week, as
easy as kiss my hand, and I'm athinkin' you'd
find it answer a good eend, and put you in funds
for a start in the clock line.
But, Sam, says he, aputtin' of his hand on my
shoulder, and lookin' me strong in the 6tce, mind
your eye, my boy; mind you don't get tangled in
the deep sea^grass, so you can't clear hand or
foot. Iliere are some plaguy pretty galls there,
and some on 'em have saved a considerable round
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
S44 THE CLOdKHAKER.
sum too ; don't let 'em walk into you now afore
you know where you be. Young gentlemen are
scarce in New England, sweethearts ain't to be had
for love nor money, and a good lookin' feller like
you, with five hundred pair of pretty little good-
natured longin' eyes on him, is in a feir way o*
gettin' his flint fixed, I tell you. Marriage won't
do for you, my hearty, till you've seed the world
and made sunthin' handsuro. To marry for money
is mean, to marry without it is foUy, and to marry
bothyoungand poor is down right madness*; so hands
off, says you ; love to all, but none in partiklar.
If you find yourself agettin spooney, throw brush,
palette, and ptdnt over the fcdls, and off full split ;
change of air and scene to cure love, consumption,
or the blues, must he taken airly in the disease, or
it's no good. An ounce o' prevention is worth a
pound o' cure. Recollect, too, when you are
married, you are tied by the leg, Sam ; like one of
our sodger disarters, you have a chain adanglin' to
your foot, with a plaguy heavy shot to the eend of
it. It keeps you to one place most all the time, for
you can't carry it with you, and you can't leave it
behind you, and you can't do notbin' with it.
If you think you can trust yourself, go ; if not,
stay where you be. It's a grand school, tho', Sam ;
you'll know sunthin' of human natuH when you
leave Lowell, I estimate, for they'll lam you how
to cut your eye*teeth, them galls ; you'll see how
wonderful the ways of womankind is, for they do
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
Taking oit the rACTOftV ladies. 245
beat all — that's sortin. Well, down I went to
Lowell, and arter a day or two spent a visitin' the
factories and gettin' introduced to the ladies, I took
a room and sot up my easel, and I had as much
work as ever I could cleverly turn my band to.
Most every gall in the place bad her likeness taken ;
some wanted 'em to send to home, some to give to
a sweetheart to admire, and some to bang up to ad-
mire themselves. The best of the joke was, every
gall had an excuse for bein' there. They all seemed
as if they thought it wam't quite genteel, a little
too much in tbe help style. One said she came for
the benefit of the lecturs at the Lyceum, another
to carry a little sister to dancin' school, and a third
to assist the fund for foreign missions, and so on,
but none on *em to work. Some on 'em lived in
lai^e buildings belongin' to the &ctory, and others
in little cottages — three or four in a house.
I recollect two or three days arter I arrived, I
went to call on Miss Naylor, I knew down to
Squantum, and she axed me to come and drink tea
with her and the two ladies that lived with her. So
in the evenin' I put on my bettermost clothes and
went down to tea. This, says she, introducin' of
me to the ladies, is Mr. Slick, a native artist of great
promise, and one that is self-taught too, that is
come to take us off; and this is Miss Jemima Potts
of Milldam, in Umbagog ; and this is Miss Binah
Dooly, a lady from Indgian Scalp Varmont. Your
sarrant, ladies, says I ; I hope I see you well.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
246 THE CLOCKHAKER.
Beautiful Victory this, it whips EnfUsh all holler ;
our free and enlightened dtizens have exhibited so
much skill, and our intelligent and enterprisin'
ladies, Bayi I, (with a smile and a bow to each,) so
ronch sdence and taste, t^at I reckon we might
stump the uniTersal world to ditto Lowell. It sar-
tainly is one of the wonders of the world, says Miss
Jemima Potts ; it i« astonishing how jealous the
English are, it makes 'em so ryled they can't hear
to praise it at aU. There was one on 'em agoin*
thro' the large cotton factory to-day with Judge
Beler, and says the Judge to him. Now don't this
astonish you ? said he ; don't it exceed any idea you
could have formed of it ? you roust allow there is
nothin' like it in Europe, and yet this is only in its
infancy — its only jist begun. Come now, confess
the feet, don't you feel that the sun of England is
set for ever— her glory departed to set up its
standard in the new world ? Speak candidly now,
for 1 should like to hear' what you think. It cer-
bunly is a respectable effort for a yobng country
with a thin population, said he, and a limited capi-
tal, and is creditable to the skill and enterprise of
New England ; but as for rivalry, it's wholly out of
the question ; and he looked as mad as if he could
Bswallered a wild cat ahve. Well, well, said the
Judge, larfin', for he is a sweet-tempered, dear man,
and the politest one too I ever knew, I don't alto-
gether know as it is jist fur to ask you to admit
a fact so humblin' to your nattotial pride, and so
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIc
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
.Z/,„., ,////. .'i,./. ,.,/,„/„.
Google
TAKING OFF THE FACTORY LADIES. 247
mortifyia' to jrourfeelinsasan Englishman; buti
can essUy conceive how thunderstruck you most
have been on enterio' this town, at its prodigious
power, its great capacity, its wonderful promise.
It's generally allowed to be the first tiling of the
kind in the world. But what are you a lookin' at,
Mr. Slick? said she; is there anything on my
cheek i I was only athinkin'j says I, how diiBcult
it would be to paint such a'most a beautiful com-
plexion, to infuse into it the si^neas and richness
of natures colorin' ; I'm most afeer'd and it would
be beyond niy art— that" b a fact.
Oh, you&ttists do flatter so, said she ; tfao'
flattery is a part of your profession, I do believe ;
but I'm e'en a'most snre there is somethin'
or another on. my face :— And she got up and
looked into the glass to ^al^sfy herself. It would
adone you.good, squire, to see how it did satisfy
her too. How many of the ladies have you taken
off? said Miss Dooly. Ihave only painted three,
said I, yet; but I have thirty bespoke. How
would you like to be punted, said I, miss ? On a
white horse, said she, accompanyin' of my father,
the gensral, to the review, Ai^d you, said I, Miss
Naylor ? Astudyin' Judge Naylor, iny uncle's
specimens, said she, in the library. Says Miss
Jemima, I should like to be taken off in my bro-
ther's barge. What is he ? stud I, for he would
have to have his uniform on. He ? said she j—
why, he is a , and she looked away and coloured
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
248 THE CLOCKHAKER.
Up like anything— he's an officer, sir, said she, in
one of our national ships. Yes, miss, said I, I
know that ; but officers are dressed accordin' to
their grade, you know, in our sarvice. We must
give him the right dress. What is his grade ?
The other two ladies turned round and giggled,
and Miss Jemima hung down her head and looked
foolish. Says Miss Naylor, why don't you tell
him, dear? No, says she, I won't; do you tell
him. No, indeed, said Miss Naylor; he is not my
brother; you ought to know best what he is; — do
you tell him yourself. Oh, you know very well,
Mr. Slick, said she, only you make as if you didn't,
to poke fiin at me, and make me say it. I hope 1
may be shot if I do, says I, miss ; I nerer heerd
tell of him afore, and if he is an officer in our
navy, there is one thing I can tell you, says I, you
needn't be ashamed to call one of our naval heroes
your brother, nor to tell his grade neither, for
there ain't an office in the sarvice that ain't one
of honour and glory. The British can whip all
the world, and we can whip the British.
Well, says she, alookin' down and takin' up her
handkerchief, and tumin' it eend for eend to read
the marks in the comer of it, to see if it was hern
or not, — if I must, then I suppose I must ; he is a
rooster swain, then, but it's a shame to make me.
A rooster swain ! says I ; well, I vow I never
heerd that grade afore in all my bom days ; I hope
I may die if I did. What sort of a swain is a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
TAKING OFF THE FACTXJRY LADIES. 249
rooster awwii ? How you do act, Mr. Slick, said
she; ain't you ashamed of yourself? Do, for
gracious sake, behave, aad not carry on so like
Old Scratch. Vou aregoin' too farnow : ain't he,
Miss Naylor ? Upon my word I don't know what
you mean, said Miss Naylor, affectin' to look as
innocent as a female fox : I'm not used to sea-tarms,
and I don't onderstand it no more than he does ;
and Miss Dooly got up a book, and began to read
and rock herself backward and forward in a chair,
as rigilar as a Mississippi sawyer, and as demure
as you please. Well, thinks I, what onder the sun
can she mean ? for I can't make head nor tail of
it. A rooster swain ! — a rooster swain ! says I :
do tell. — Well, says she, you make me feel quite
spunky, and if you don't stop this minit, I'll go
right out of the room ; it ain't fair to make game
of mft so, and I don't thank you for it one mite or
morsel. Says I, miss, I b^ your pardon ; I'll take
my davy I didn't mean no offence at all ; but, upon
my word and honour, I never heerd the word
rooster swain afore, and I don't mean to larf at
your brother, or teaze you neither. Well, says
she, I suppose you never will ha' done, so turn
away your face and I will tell you. And she got
up and turned my head round with her hands to
the wall, and the other two ladies started out, and
said they'd go and see arter the tea.
Well, says I, are you ready now, miss ? Yes,
sfud she ; a rooster swain, if you must know, you
u s
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
260 THE CLOCKHAKEB.
wicked critter you, is a cockawain j a word you
know'd well enough wam't fit for a lady to speak ;
so take that to remember it by, — and she fetched
me a denoe of a clip on the side of the face, and
ran out of the room. Well, 1 swear Icouldhardly
keep from Urfin' right out, to find out arter all it
was nothin' but a cockswain she made such a touss
about ; but I felt kinder sorry, too, to have bo-
thered her so, for I recollect there was the same
diGSculty among our ladies last war about the name
of the EngUsh oflScer that took Washington ; they
called him always the "British Admiral," and
there wam't a lady in the Union would call him
by name. I'm a great fidend to decency, a very
great friend indeed, squire,— for decency is a manly
vartue ; and to delicacy, for delicacy is a feminine
vartue ; but as for squeamishness, rat me if it
don't make me sick.
There was two little rooms behind the keepin'
room ; one was a pantry, and t'other a kitchen.
It was into the fardest one the ladies went to get
tea ready, and presently they brought in the things
and sot them down on the table, and we all got
sociable once more. Jist as we b^n conversa-
tion ag'in. Miss Jemima Potts said she must go
and bring in the cream-jug. Well, up I jumps,
and follers her out, and says I, Pray let me, misa,
wait upon you ; it ain't fair for the ladies to do this
when the gentlemen .are by — is it? Why didn't
you call on me i- I overtook her jist at the kitchen
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
TAKING OFT THK FACTORY LADIES. 251
door. But this door-way, sud I, is so plagay
narrer, — ain't it ? There is hardly room for two
to pass without their lips atouchin', is there ? Ain't
you ashamed ? said she : I believe you have broke
my comb in two, — that's a fact; — but don't do
that ag'in, siud she, awhisperin', — thaf s a dear
man ; Miss Dooly will hear you, and tell every lady
in the factory, for she's plaguy jealous ; — so let me
pass now. One more to make iriends, said I,
miss. Huah ! said she, — there— let me go ; and
she put the jug in my hand, and then whipped up a
plate herself, and back into the parlour in no time.
A curtain, says I, ladies, (as I sot down ag'in,)
or a book shelf, I cuuld' introduce into the pictur',
but it would make it a work o' great time and
expense, to do it the way you speak of; and be-
sides, says 1, who would look at the rest if the &ce
was well done ? for one thing, 1 will say, three
prettier faces never was seen painted oa canvass.
Oh, Mr. Slick, says they, how you bam ! — ain't
you ashamed ? Fact, says I, ladies, upon my
honour ; — a fact, and no mistake. If you would
allow me, ladies, s^d I, to suggest, I think hair
done up high, long tortoise-shell comb, with fiowers
on the top, would become you. Miss Naylor, and
set off your fine Grecian face, grand. A fashion-
able naomin' cap, lined with pink and trimmed
with blue bows, would set off your portrait, Miss
Dooly, and become your splendid Roman profile
complete. And what forme? sud Jemima. If I
D,g,t,ioflb,GpOgIe,
252 THE CLOCKMAKER.
might be bo bold, swd I, I would advise leavin' out
the comb in your case, miss, said I, as you are tall,
and it might perhaps be in the way, and be broke
in two, (and I pressed her foot onder the table with
mine] ; and I would throw the hair into long loose
nateral curls, and let the neck and shoulders be
considerable bare, to give room for a pearl neck-
lace, or coral beads, or any little splendid ornament
of that kind. Miss Jemima looked quite delighted
at this idea, and jumpin' up, exclaimed, Dear me,
sud ahe, I forgot the sugar-tongs ! I'll jist go and
fetch 'em. Allow me, says I, miss, foUerin' her;
but ain't it funny tho*, says I too, that we should
jist get scrondged ag'jn in this very identical little
narrer door-way, — ain't it ? How you act, said
she ; now this is too bad ; the curl is all squashed,
I declare; I won't come out ag'in to-night, I vow.
Nor I neither then, said I, larfin' ; let them that
wants things go for 'em. Then you couldn't in-
troduce the specimens, could you ? said Miss
Naylor, the judge, my uncle, has a beautiiul
collection. When he was in business as a master
mason, he built the great independent Democratic
Sovereignty Hall at Sam Patchville (a noble
buildin' that, Mr. Shck, — if s generally allowed to
be the first piece of architecture in the world.)
He always broke off a piece of every kind of stone
used in the buildin', and it makes ita'most a com-
plete collection. If I could be taken off at a table
astudyin' and asortin' 'em into primary formations,
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
TAKING Orr THE FACTORY LADIES. 253
secondary formations, and trap, I should like it
amazin^y.
Well, says I, I'll do the best I can to please you,
miss, for I never hear of secondary formations
without pleasure, — thafs a &ct. The ladies, you
know, are the secondary formation, for they were
formed arter man, and as for trap, says I, if they
ain't up to that, if s a pity. Why, as I'm alive,
said I, if that ain't the nine o'clock bell ; well, how
time has flowed, hasn't it ? I suppose I must be
amovin*, as it is gettin' on considerable late, but I
must say I've had a most delightful evenin' as ever
I spent in my life. When a body, says I, finds
himself in a circle of literary and scientific ladies,
he takes no note of time, it passes so smooth and
quick. Now, says I, ladies, excuse me for men-
tionin' a little bit of business, but it is usual in my
profession to be paid one half in advance; but
with the ladies I dispense with that rule, says I,
on one condition, — I receive a kiss as lumest.
Oh, Mr. Slick, says they, how can you? No
kiss, no pictur', says I. Is that an invariable
rule ? says they. I never deviated from it in my
life, said 1, especially where the ladies are so beau-
tiiiil as my kind friends here to-night are. Thank
you, my sweet Miss Naylor, said I. Oh, did
you ever ? said she. And you also, dear Miss
Dooly. Oh, my sakes, said she, how ondecent 1 I
wish I could take my pay altogether in that coin,
sud I. Well, you'll get no such lumest from me^
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
254 THE CLOCKMAKER.
I can tell yoa, aud Miss Jemima, snd off she sot
and darted out o' the room like a kitten, and 1
arter her. Oh ) that dear little narrer door-way
seems made on purpose, said I, don't it ? Well, I
hope you are satisfied now, said she, you forward,
impudent critter ; you've taken away ray hreath
a'most. Good night, ladies, said I. Good night,
Mr. Slick, says they ; don't foi^t to call and take
us off to-morrow at intermission. And, says Miss
Jemima, walkin' out as far as the gate with me,
when not better engaged, we shall be happy to see
you soicably to tea. Most happy, miss, said I ;
only I fear I shall call oftener than will be agree-
able; but, dear me! says I, I've forgot somethin'
I declare, and I turned right about. Perhaps you
forgot it in the httle narrer door-way, said she,
alarfin' and steppin' backwards, and holdin* up
both hands to fend off. What is it? stud she, and
she looked up as saucy and as rorapy as you please.
Why, said I, that dreadM horrid name you called
your brother. What was it ? for I've foi^ot it, I
vow. Look about and find out, said she ; ifs what
you ain't, and never was, and never will be, and
that's a gentleman. You are a nasty, dirty, onde-
cent man, — that's flat, and if you don't like it you
may lump it, so there now for you— good night.
But stop— shake hands afore you go, said she;
let's part fiiends, and she held out her hand. Jist
as I was agoin' to take it, it slipt up like flash by
my face, and tipt my hat off over my shoulder, and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
TAKING OFT THE FACTORY LADIES. 255
as I turned and stooped to pick it up she up with
her little foot and let me have it, and pitched me
right over on my knees. It was done as quick as
wink. Even and quit now, said she, as good
friends as ever. Done, said I. But hush, said
she ; that critter has the ears of a mole, and the
eyes of a lynx. What critter ? said I. Why, that
frightful, ugly Varmont witch, Binab Dooly, if she
ain't acomin' out here, as I'm a livin' sinner.
Come i^ain soon — thafs a dear ! — good night ! —
and she sailed back as demure as if nothin' had
ahappened. Yes, squire, the Honourable Eli Wad,
the foundationalist, was right when he said I'd see
sunthin' of human iiatur' among the factory galls.
The ways of womankind are wonderful indeed.
This was my first lesson, that squeamishneBs and
indelicacy are often found united; in short, that
in manners, as in other things, extremes meet.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XIX.
THE 8CUOOLUASTER ABROAD.
The road from Chester to Halifiuc is one of th«
Torst in the province ; and dayUght failing us be-
fore w6 made half our journey, we were compelled
to spend the night at a small unlicensed house, the
occasional resort of fishermen and coasters. There
was but one room in the shanty, besides the kitchen
and bedroom ; and that one, though perfectly clean,
smelt intolerably of smoked salmon that garnished
its rafters. A musket, a light fowling-piece, and a
heavy American rifle, were slung on the beams that
supported the floor of the garret ; and snow-shoes,
fishing-rods, and small dip-nets with long ash
handles, were seciu^ to the wall by iron hooks.
Altogether it had a sporting appearance, that in-
dicated the owner to be one of those amphibious
animals to whom land or water is equally natural,
and who prefer the pleasures of the chase and the
fishery to the severer labour, but more profitable
employment, of ^ling the soil. A few fancy arti-
cles of costly materials and superior workmanship
that ornamented the mantel-piece and open closet,
(probably presents from the gentlemen of the gar-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD. 257
rison at HaUfax,) showed that there were some-
tiroes visiters of a different descriptioii from tihe
ordinary customers. As the house was a solitary
one, and situated at the bead of a deep, well-
sheltered inlet, it is probable that smuggUng may
have added to the profits, and diversified the pur-
suits of the owner. He did not, however, make his
appearance. He had gone, bis wife said, in bis
boat that afternoon to Margaret's bay, a distance of
eight miles, to procure some salt to cure his fish,
and would probably not return before the morning.
I've been here before, you see, squire, said Mr.
Slick, pointing to a wooden clock in the comer of
the room ; folks that have nothin' to do like to see
how the time goes, —and a man who takes a glass of
grog at twelve o'clock is the most punctual feller in
the world. The draft is always honoured when it
falls due. But who have we here 7 As he said
this, a man entered the room, carrying a small bun-
dle in his hand, tied up in a dirty silk pocket-hand-
kerchief. He was dressed in an old suit of rusty
black, much the worse for wear. His face bore the
marks of intemperance, and he appeared much
fatigued with his journey, which he had performed
alone and on foot. I hope I donH intrude, gentle-
men, said he ; but you see Dulhanty, poor fellow,
has but one room, and poverty makes us acquiunted
with strange bedfellows sometimes. Brandy, my
little girl, and some cold water: take it out of the
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
258 TOE CLOCKHAKER.
north side of the well, my dear,-^ and, do you hear,
— 4>e quick, for Tm choked with the dast. Gen-
tlemen, will yon take aome brandy and water ! said
he. Dolhanty always keeps some good brandy, —
none o* your wretched Yankee peach brandy, that's
enough to pyson a horse, but real Cogniak. Well,
I don't care if I do, sud Mr. Shck. Arter yon,
sir. By your leave, the water, air. Gentlemen,
sU your healths, said the stranger. Good brandy,
that, sir ; you had better take another glass before
the water gets warm, — and he helped himself again
most liberally ; then, taking a survey of the clock-
maker and myself, observed to Mr. SUck that he
thought he had seen him before. Well, it's not on-
likely ; — where ?
Ah, that's the question, sir ; I cannot exactly say
where.
Nor I neither.
Which way may you be travellin' ? Down east, I
expect.
Which way are you from then? Somewhere
down south.
The traveller t^n apphed himself to brandy
and water.
Ahem ! then you are from Lunenberg ?
Well, I won't say I wam't at Lunenbui^.
Ahem ! pretty place that Limenbui^ ; but they
speak Dutch. D— n the Dutch ; I hate Dutch ;
there's no language like the EngUsh.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD. 259
Then I suppose you are going to Halifax ?
Well, I won't say I won't go to Halifax afore I
return, neither.
A nice town that Hali&x — good fishmarket
there ; but they are not like the English fish arter
all. Halibut is a poor substitute for the good
old Enghsh turbot. Where did you say you were
from, sir?
I don't jiat altogether mind that I said I was
from any place in particklar, but from down south
last
Ahem ! your health, sir ; perhaps you are like
myself, sir, a stranger, and hare no home : and,
after all, there is no home like England. Pray
what part of England are you from ?
I estimate I'm not from England at all.
I'm sorry for you, then : but where the devil
are you from ?
In a ^neral way folks say I'm from the States.
Knock them down then, d— n them. If any man
was to insult me by calling me a Yankee, I'd kick
him ; but the Yankees have no seat of honour to
kick. If I hadn't been thinkin' more of my brandy
and water than your answers, I might have known
you were a Yankee by your miserable evasions.
They never give a straight answer — there's nothing
straight about them but their lung backs, — and he
xrtta asleep in his chair, overcome by the united
effects of the heat, the brandy and fatigue.
That's one o' their schoolmuters, said Mr. Slick;
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
260 THE CLOCKUAKER.
and it* s no wonder the Blue-noses are such 'cute
chaps when they got such masters as that are to
teach the young idea how to shoot. The critter has
axed more questions in ten minutes than if he was
a full-blooded Yankee, tho' be does hate them so
peeotrerftdly. He's an Englishman, and, I guess,
has seen better days ; but be is ruinated by drink
now. When he is about half shaved he is an ever-
lastin' quarrelsom' critter, and carries a most plaguy
ontuvil tongue in his head : that's the reason I
didn't let on where I came 6rom, for he hates us
like pyson. But there ain't many such critters
here ; the English don't emigrate here much, — they
go to Canada or the States : and it's strange too,
for, squire, this is the best location in alt America,
is Nova Scotia, if the British did but know it.
It will have the greatest trade, the greatest
population, the most manufacturs, and the most
wealth of any state this side of the water. The
resources, nateral advantages, and political posi-
tion of this place beat all. Take it all together,
I don't know jist such a country in the uni-
varsal world a'most. What! Nova Scotia? stud
I ; this poor little colony, this Ultima Thule
of America, — what is ever to make U a place of
any consequence } Everything, squire, said he,
everything that constitutes greatness. I wish we
had it, — that's all; and we will have it too
some o' these days, if they don't look sharp. In
the £rst place, it has more nor twice as many
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE SCHOOLMASTER AB&OAD. 261
great men-o'-war harbours in it, capable of holdin'
the whole navy in it, stock, lock, and barrel,
than we have from Maine to Mexico, besides
innumerable small harbours, island lees, and other
shelters, and it's jist all but an island itself;
and most all the best o' their harbours don't
freeze up at no time. It ain't shot up Uke Canada
and our back country all winter, but you can
in and out as you please ; and it's so intersected
with rivers and lakes, most no part of it is twenty
miles from navigable water to the sea, — and then
it is the nearest point of our continent to Europe.
All that, said I, is very true ; but good harbours,
though necessary for trade, are not the only
things requisite in commerce. But it's in the
midst of the fisheries, squire, — all sorts of fisheries
too. River fisheries of shad, salmon, gasperaux,
and herring — shore fishery of mackerel and cod —
bank fishery, and Labrador fishery. Oh dear ! it
beats all, and they don't do nothin' with 'em, but
leave 'em to us. They don't seem to think 'em
worth havin' or keepin', for government don't pro-
tect 'em. See what a school for seamen that is, to
man the ships to fill the harbours.
Then look of the beeowells of the airth : only
think of the coal ; and it's no uue atalkin', that's
the only coal to supply us that we can rely on.
Why, there ain't nothin* like it. It extends all
the way fr^m Bay of Fundy right out to Ketou
thro' the province, and then imder all the island
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
263 THE CLOCKUAKER.
of Cape Breton; and some o' them seams are
the biggest, and thickest, and deepest ever yet
discovered since the world be^n. Beautiful coal
it is too. Then natur' has given 'em most grand
abundant iron-ore, here and there and every-
where, and wood and coal to work it. Only think
o' them two things in such abundance, and a
country possessed of the first chop-water powers
everywhere, and then tell me Providence hasn't
lud the foundation of a manufacturin' nation here.
But that ain't all. Jist see the plaster of
Paris> what almighty big heaps of it there is here.
We use already more nor a hundred and fifty
thousand tons of it a year for manure, and we
shall want ten times that quantity yet, — we can't
do without it : it has done more for us than steam ;
it has made our barren lands fertile, and whole
tracts habitable, that never would have been
worth a cent an acre without it. It will go to
South America and the West Indgies yet — it is
the magic wand — it's the philosopher's stone ; I
hope I may be shot if it ain't ; it turns all it
touches into gold. See what a sight of vessels it
takes to carry a great bulky article Uke that —
what a sight of men it employs, what a host of
folks it feeds, what a batch of sailors it bakes,
what hardy tars for the wooden walls of old Eng-
land. But Old England is as blind as a bat, and
Blue-nose is a puppy only nine days old j he can't
see yet. If the critter was well trained, had his
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD. 263
ears cropped and tongue wormed, he might turn
out a decent -lookin' whelp yet, for the old one is
a good nurse and feeds well. Well, then, look
at the lead, copper, slate, (and as for slate, they
may stump Wales, 1 know, to produce the like,)
granite, grindstone, freestone, lime, manganese,
salt, sulphur. Why, they've got everythmg but
enterprise, and that I do believe in my soul they
expect to find a mine of, and dig up out of the
ground as they do coaL But the soil, squire,
where will you find the like o* that ? A consi-
derable part of it along the coast is poor, no
doubt; but it's the fishin' side of the province,
and therefore it's all rightj but the bay side is a
tearin', rippin' fine country. Them dyke mashes
have raised hay and griun year arter year now
for a whole centery without manur', and I guess
will continue to do so from July to etamity.
Then natur' has given them that sea-mud, salt
sand, sea-weed, and river sludge for dressin', their
upland, so that it could be made to carry wheat
till all's blue again.
If it possesses all these advantages you speak of,
said I, it will doubtless be some day or an-
other both a populous and rich country ; but
still it dues not appear to me that it can be com-
pared to the country of the Mississippi. Why,
squire, said he, if you was once to New Or-
leens I think you wouldn't say so. That is a
great country, no doubt, too great to compare to
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
264 THE CLOCKHAKER.
a small prorince like this j great resources, great
river, ftrtile land, great trade ; but the climate is
awfiil, and the emigrant people ain't much better
than the climate. The folks at New Orleens put me
in mind of children playin' in b chvirch-yard, jump-
in' over the graves, hidin' behind the tombs,
atarfin' at the emblems of mortality, and the
queer old rhymes onder ''em, all full of life, and
glee, and fun above ground, while ondemeath it
is a great charnel-house, full of windin' sheets,
skeletons, and generations of departed citizens.
That are place is built in a bar in the harbor, made
of snags, driftwood, and chokes, heaped up by the
rirer, and then filled and covered with the sedi-
ment and alluvial of the rich bottoms above, brought
down by the fi^shets. It's peopled in the same
way. The eddies and tides of business of all that
country centre there, and the froth and scum are
washed up and settle at New Orleens. Its filled
with all sorts of people, black, white, and Indgians,
and their different shades, French, Spanish, Portu-
guese, and Dutch; £nghsh, Irish, and Scotch,
and then people from every state in the Union.
These last have all nicknames. There's the hoo-
siers of Indiana, the suckers of Illinoy, the pukes
of Missuri, the buckeys of Ohio, the red horses of
Kentucky, the mudheads of Tenessee, the wolve-
rines of Michigan, the eels of New England, and
the com-crackers of Virginia. All tJiese, with
many others, make up the population, which is
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE SCHOOLMASTEK ABROAD. 265
mottled TFith bkck and all ita shades ; 'most all too
is supplied by emigradon. It is a great caravan-
sary filled with strangers, dissolute enough to make
your hair stand an eend, drinkin' all day,gamblin'
all night, andfightin' all the time. Death pervades
all natur* there; it breathes in the air, and it floats
on the water, and rises in the vapours and exhala-
tions, and rides on the whiriwind and tempest : it
dwells on the drought, and also in the inundation.
Above, below, within, around, everywhere is death ;
hut who knows, or misses, or mourns the stranger ?
Dig B grave for him, and you plunge him into the
water, — the worms eat the coffin, and the croco-
diles have the body. Wehave millsto Rhode Island
with sarcular saws, and apparatus for makin'
packin'- boxes. At one of these factories they used
to make 'em in the shape of coffins, and then they
sarred a double purpose ; they carried out inions
to New Orleans, and then carried out the dead to
their graves.
That are city was made by the freshets. Ifa a
cliance if it ain't carried away by them. It may yet
be its fate to be swept clean off by 'em, to mingle
once more with the stream that deposited it, and
■form new land further down the river. It may
chance to be a spot to be pointed out from the
steam-boats as the place where a great city once
stood, and a great battle was once fought, in which
the genius and valour of the new world triumphed
over the best troops and the best ginerals of Eu-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
266 THE CLOCKHAKER.
rope. That place is jist like a hot-bed, and the
folk like the plants in it. People do grow rich fiat ;
but they look kinder spindlin and weak, and they
are e'en s'most choked with weeds and toad-stools,
that grow every bit and grain as fast, — and twice
as nateral. The Blue-noses don't know how to valy
this locatioo, squire, — that's a fact, for its a'most
a grand one.
What's a grand location ? said the schoolmaster,
waking up. Nova Scotia, said Mr. Slick, I was
just atellin' of the squire ifs a grand location.
D — n the location, said he ; I hate the word ; it
ain't English : there are no words like the English
words. — Here, my little ^l, more brandy, my
dear and some fresh water; mind it's fresh, — take
it out of the bottom of the well— do you hear ? the
coldest spot in the well ; and he quick : for I'm
burnt up with the heat to-day. Who's for a pull of
gn^ ? suppose we have a pull, gentlemen — a good
pull, and a strong pull, and a pull altogether, eh !
Here's to you, gentlemen i-— ah, that's good ! you
are sure of good brandy here. I say. Mister Loca-
tion, won't you moisten the clay, eh ? — Come, my
honest feUow ! I'll take another glass with you to
our better acquaintance : — you won't, eh ? well,
then, I'll supply your deficiency myself; here's
luck ! Where did you say you were from, sir ? I
don't mind that I indicated where 1 was jist in piti-
kilar. No, you didn't ; but I twig you now, my
boy, Sam Slick, the clockmaker ! And so you say
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE SCHOOUUSTER ABROAD. 267
this is a nice location, do you ? Yes, it is a nice
ibcation indeed for a gentleman this — a locttion for
pride and poverty, for ignorance and assumption,
for folly and vice. Curse the location ! I say ;
there's no location like Old England. This is a
poor man's country, sir ; but not a rich man's or
a gentleman's. There's nothin' this side of the
water, sir, approachin to the class of gentry. They
have neither the feelings, the sentiments, nor the
breeding. They know nothing about it. What
little they have here, sir, are second-hand lurs co-
pied from poor models that necessity forces out
here. It is the farce of high life below st^s, sir,
played in a poor theatre to a provincial audience.
Poor as 1 am, humble as I am, and degraded as I
am, — for I am now all three, — I have seen better
days, and was not always the houseless wanderer
you now see me. 1 know what I am talking about,
'lliere is nothing beyond respectable mediocrity
here ; there never can be, there is no material for
it, there is nothing to support it. Some fresh
water, my dear ; that horrid water is hot enough
to scald one's throat. The worst of a colony is,
sir, there is no field for ambition, no room for ta-
lents, no reward for distinguished exertions. It is
a rich country for a poor man, and a poor country
for a rich one. There b no permanent upper class
of society here, or anywhere else in America. There
are rich men, learned men, agreeable men, liberal
men, and good men, but very few gentlemen. The
N 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
268 THE CLOCKHAKER.
breed ain't pure ; it is not kept long enough dis-
tinct to refine, to obtun the distinctive owrks, to
become generic. Dry -work this taUdn' ; — ^your
health, gentlemen !— a good fellow that Dulhan^,
suppose we drink his h^tb ? he always keeps
good brandy, — there's not a head-ache in a gallon
of it.
What was I talking about ? — Oh ! T have it — the
/ocation, as those drawling Yankees call it Yes,
instead of importing horses here from England to
improve the breed, they should import gentlemen ;
they want the true breed, they want blood. Yes,
said the Clockmaker, (whom I had never known to
remain silent so long before,) 1 guess. Yes, d — n
you ! said the stranger, what do you know about
it ? — you know as much about a gentleman as a
cat does of music. If you interrupt me agiun, I'll
knock your two eyes into one, you clockmaking,
bumpkin-headed, peddling, cheating, Yankee vaga-
bond. The sickly waxwork imitation of gentility
here, the faded artificial flower of fashion, the vul-
gar pretension, the contemptible struggle for pre-
cedence, make one look across the Atlantic with a
longing aft^r the freshness of nature, for Hfe and
its realities. All North America is a poor country,
with a poor climate. I would not give Ireland for
the whole of it. This Nova Scotia is the best part
of it, and has the greatest resources ; but still there
is no field in a colony for a man of talent and edu-
cation. Littie ponds never hold big fish ; there is
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THR SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD. 269
nothing but polljnvc^, tadpoles, and i
them. Look at them as they swim thro' the shal-
low water of the margins of their httle muddy pool,
following some small fellow an inch long, the leader
of the shoal, that thinks himself a whale, and if you
do not despise their pretensions, you will, at least,
be compelled to laugh at their absurdities. Go to
every legislature this side of the water from Con-
gress to Hali&x, and hear the stuff that is talked.
Goto every press, and see the stuff that is printed ;
go to the people, and see the stuff that is uttered
or swallowed, and then tell me this is a location
for anything above mediocrity. What keeps you
here then ? said Mr. Slick, if it b such an ever-
lastin' miserable country as you lay it out to be.
I'll tell you, sir, swd he, and he drained off the
whole of the brandy, as if to prepare for the effort
— I will tell you what keeps me, and he placed his
hands on his knees, and looking the Clockmaker
steadily in the &ce until every muscle worked with
emotion — I'll tell you, sir, if you must know — my
misfortune. The effortandthebrandyoverpowered
him ; he fell from his chair, and we removed him
to a bed, loosened his cravat, and left him to his
repose.
It's a considerable of atrial, said the Clockmaker,
to sit still and listen to that cussed old critter, I
tell yon. If you hadn't abeen here, I'd agiv'n him
a rael good quiltin*. I'd atanned his jacket for
him J I'd alamed him to carry a civil tongue in his
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
870 THE CLOCKBIAKER.
head, the iwsty, drunken, onmannerly, good-for-
nothin* beast ; more nor once 1 felt my fingers
itch to give him a slock'dotager under the ear ;
but he ain't worth mindin', I gueiifl. Yes, squire,
I won't deny but New Orleefu ia a great place, a
wonderful place ; but there are resources here be-
yond all conception, and its climate is as pleasant
as any we have, and a plaguy sight more healthy.
I don't know what more you'd ask, idmost an island
indented everywhere with harbours surrounded
with fisheries. The key of the St. Lawrence, the
Bay of Fundy, and the West Indgies ; — prime land
aboTe, one vast mineral bed beneath, and a climate
over all, temperate, pleasant, and healthy. If that
ain't enough for one place, it's a pity — that's all.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
CHAPTER XX.
THS WRONG KOOH.
Th b next morning the rain poured down in tor-
rents, and it was ten o'clock before we were able
to resume our journey. I am glad, said Mr. Slick,
that cnssed oritter, that schoolmaster, hasn't yet
woke up. I'm most afeerd if he had atumed out
afore we started, I should have quilted him, for
that talk of his last night sticks in my crop consi-
derable hard. It ain't over easy to disgest, I telt
you J for nothin' a'most raises my dander so much
as to hear a benighted, ignorant, and enslaved fo-
reigner belittle our free and enlightened citizens.
But see there, squire, said he, that's the first
Indgian campment we've fell in with on our jour-
ney. Happy fellers, them Indgians, ben't they ?
—they have no wants and no cares but food and
cloathin', and fishin'and huntin' supply them things
easy. That tall one you see spearin' fish down in
that are creek there, is Peter Paul, a most aplaguy
'cute chap. I mind the last time I was to Lunen-
burg, I seed him to the m^istrates, John Robar's :
he laid down the law to the justice better than are
a lawyer I have met with in the province yet ; he
talked as clever a:'moBt as Mr. Clay. Til tell you
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
372 THE CLOCKHAKER.
what it was : — Peter Paul bad made his wigwam
one winter near a brook on the farm of James
M'Nutt, and employed his time in cooperin', and
used M*Nutf a timber when he wanted any. Well,
M'Nutt threatened to send him to jail if he didn't
move away^, and Paul came to Robar' to ax him
whether it, could be done. Says he, squire, —
M'Nutt, he came to me, and, says be, Peter, what
aderil you do here, d — n you? I aay, I make 'em
bucket, make 'em tub, may be basket, or axe han-
dle, to buy me some blanket and powder and shot
with — ^you no want some ? Well, he say, this my
land, Peter, and my wood ; I bought 'em, and pay
money for 'em ; I won't let you stay here and cut
my wood ; if you cut anoder stick, I send you to
jail. Then I tell him I see what governor say to
that : what you plant, that yours ; what you sow,
that yours too ; but you no plant 'em woods ; God
— he plant 'em dat ; he make 'em river, too, for all
mens, white man and Indgian man — all same. God
^he no give 'em river to one man, — he make him
run thro' all the woods. When you drink, he run
on and I diink, and then when all drink he run on
to de sea. He no stand still — you no catch him—
yott no have him. If I cut down your apple-tree,
then send me to jail, cause you plant 'em ; but if I
cut down ash-tree, oak-tree, or pine-tree in woods,
I say it's nune, if I cut 'em first — for tree in big
woods like river — first cut him first have him. If
God pve 'em all to you, where is your writin', or
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOgIc
THE WRONG ROOM. 273
bring somebody say he hear him say so, then I stop
I never kill your hog, and say I thought him one
bear, nor your hen, and say him one partridge ; but
you go kill my stock, my carriboo, and my muoBe.
I never frighten away your sheep; but you go
chop wood, and make one d — d noise and frighten
away bear ; so when I go to my trap I no find him
there, and I lose him, and de skin and de meat
too. No two laws for you and me, but all same.
You know Jeffery — him big man to HBlifex? — well,
him very good man that ; very kind to poor Indgian
(when that man go to heaven, God will give him
plenty backy to smoke, for that I know.) Well,
he say, Peter Paul, when you want ash-tree, you
go cut 'em down on my land when you like ; I give
you leave. He very good man dat, but God give
'em afore Jeffery was bom. And by and by, I
say, M^utt, you have 'em all. Indgian all die
soon : no more wood left — no more hunt left ; he
starve, and then you take all. Till then 1 take
'em wood that God plant for as, where 1 find 'em,
and no thanks to you. It would puzzle a Phila-
delphia lawyer, to answer that, I guess, ssud Mr,
Slick. That feller cyphered that out of human
natur* — the best book a man can study arter all,
and the only true one ; there's no two ways about
it — there's never no mistake there. Queer critter,
that Peter; he has an answer for every one; no-
thin' ever da'nts or poses him ; but here we are at
the eend of our journey, and I must say I am sorry
N 3
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
S74 THE CLOCKMAKER.
for it too, for tho' it's been a oonsideraMe of a long
one, it's been a very pleasant one.
WTien we retamed to Halifax we drove to Mrs.
Spicer's boanUng-houBe, where I had bespoken
lodgings previously to my departure from town.
While the servants were preparing my room, we
were shown into the parlour of Mrs. Spicer. She
was young, pretty, and a widow. She had but one
child, a daughter of six years of age, which, like all
only children, was petted and spoiled. She was
first shy, then familiar, and ended by being trouble-
some and rude. She amused her mother by imi-
tating Mr, Slick's pronunciation, and herself by
using his hat for a football.
Entertainin' that, ain't it } stud the Clockmaker,
as we entered our own apartments. The worst of
women is, said he, they are for everlastin'lyateasin'
folks with their children, and take more pains to
spoil 'em and make 'em disagreeable than any thing
else. Who the plague wants to hear 'em repeat a
yard o' poetry like that are little sarpent ? I am
sure I don't. The Hon. Eli Wad was right when
he said the ways o' womankind are wonderful. I've
been afeerd to venture on matrimony myself, and
I don't altogether think I shall spekilate in that
line for one while. It don't jist suit a rovin* man
like me. It's a considerable of a tie, and then it
ain't like a horse deal, where, if you dont'tlike the
beast, you can put it off in a raffle, or trade, or
swop and suit yourself better ; bufyou must make
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THE WRONG ROOM. 275
the best of & bad bargain, and put up with it. It
ain't often you meet a critter of the right mettle j
ipirited, yet gentle; easy on the bit, sure-footed
and spry ; no bitin' or kickin' or sulkin', or racan'
off, or refiisin' to go or runnin' back, and then
dean-limbed and good carriage. Ifs about the dif-
ficultest piece of business I know on.
Our great cities are most the only places in our
Union where a man can marry with comfort, rael
right down genuine comfort and no drawback.
No famishin' a house ; and if you go for to please
a woman in that line, there's no eend o' the ex-
pense they^ go to, and no trouble about helps ; a
considerable of a plague them in the States, you
may depend ; then you got nothin' to provide, and
nothin' to see arter, and it ain't so plaguy lonely as
a private house neither. The ladies, too, have no-
thin' to do all day but dress themselves, gossip,
walk out, or go ashoppin' or receive visits to home.
They have a'most a grand time of it you may de-
pend. If there be any children, why, they can be
sent up garret with the helps, out o' the way andout
o' hearin', till they are big enough to go to school.
They ain't half the plague they be in aprivatehouse.
But one o'the best things about it is, a man needn't
stay to borne to entertain his wife a-evenings, for
she can find company enough in the puhhc rooms
if she has a mind to, and he can go to the poHtical
clubs and coffee-houses, and see arter politics, and
inquire how the nation's agoin' on, and watch over
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
276 THE CLOCKUAKER.
the doins of Congress. It takes a great deal of
time that, and a man can't discharge his duties
right to the States or the Union either, if he is for
everlastin'ly tied to his wife's apron-strings. You
may talk about the domestic hearth, and the plea-
sures of home, and the family circle, and all that
are sort o' thin', squire : it sounds very clever, and
reads dreadful pretty; hut what does it eend in at
last i why, a scoldin' wife with her shoes down to
heel, a-see-sawin' in a rocking chair; her htur
either not done up at all, or all stuck chock ftill of
paper and pins, like porcupine quills; a smoky
chimbly aputtin' of your eyes out ; cryin' children
ascreamin' of your ears out ; extravagant, wasteful
helps, a-emptying of your pockets out, and the
whole thing awearin' of your patience out. No,
there's notbin' like a good boardin' house for mar-
ried folks ; it don't cost nothin' like keepin' house,
and there's plenty o' company all the time, and the
women folk never feel lonely like when their hus-
bands are not at home. The only thing is to lam
the geography of the house well, and know their
own number. If they don't do that, they may get
into a moat adeuce of a scrape, that, it ain't so easy
to back out of. I recollect a'mosC a curious accident
that happened that way once, agettin' into ike
wrong room.
1 had gone down to Boston to keep 4th of July,
our great Annivarsary-day. A great day that,
squire ; a great national festival ; a splendid spec-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE WRONG ROOM. 277
tscie ; fifteen millions of iree men and three mil-
lions of slaves acclebratin' the birth-day of liberty ;
rejoicin' in their strength, their freedom and en-
lightenment. Perhaps the sun never shone on
such a sight afore, nor the moon, nor the stars for
their planetary system ain't more perfect than our
political system. The san typifies our splendor;
the moon in its changes figures our rotation of
office, and eclipses of Presidents, — and the stars
are emblems of our states, as painted on our flags.
If the British don't catch it that day if s a pity.
All over our Union, in every town and village,
there are orations made, jist about as beautiful
pieces of workmanship, and as nicely dove-tailed
and mortised, and as prettily put together as well
can be, and the English catch it everjrwhere. All
our battles are fought over ag'in, and you can e'en
a'most see the British adyin' afore them like the
wind, fiiU split, or layin' down their arms as hiunble
as you please, or marchin' off as prisoners tied two
and two, like runaway niggers, as plain as if you
was in the engagements, and Washington on his
big war-horse aridin' over them, and our free and
enlightened citizens askiverin' of them; or the
proud impudent officers akneelin' down to him,
givin' up their swords, and abe^n' for dear life
for quarter. Then you think you can e'en a'most
see that infarnal spy Andr^ nabbed and sarched,
and the scorn that sot on the brows of our heroes
as they threw into the diet the money he offered to
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
278 THE CLOCKHAKER.
be released, and hear him b^ like an Indgian to
be shot like a gentteman, and not banged like a
thief, and Washington's noble and magnanimous
anaweTi — " I gness they^ think us afeerd if we
don't," — BO simple, to sublime. The bammerin' of
the carpenters seems to strike your ears as they
erect the gallus ; and then his struggles, like a dog
tucked up for sheep stealin', are as nateral as life,
I must say I do like to hear them orations, — to
hear of the deeds of our heroes by lalid and by sea-
It's a bright page of history that. It exasperates
the young — ^it makes their blood bile at the wrongs
of their for^thers; it makes them clean their
rifles, and run their bullets. It prepares them for
that great day, that comin' day, that no distant
day neither, that must come and will come, and
CBu't help comin', when Britain will be a colony
to our great nation, and when your colonies will be
states in our Union.
Many's the disputes, and pretty hot disputes too,
I've had with minister about these orations. He
never would go near one on 'em • he said they
were in bad taste— (a great phrase of hisn that,
poor dear good old man ; I believe his heart yams
arter old times, and I most think sometimes he
ought to have joined the rejrigees,} — bad taste,
Sam. It smells o' hraggin', its ongentlemanly ;
and, what's worse — if s onchristian.
But ministers don't know much of this world: — ■
they may know the road to the next, but they don't
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE WRONG ROOM. 279
know, the cross-roads and by paths of this one —
thaf s a feet. Bat I was agoin' to tell you what
happened that day — 1 was stayin' to General
Peep's boardin' honse to Boston, to enjoy, as I
was asayin', the anniversary. There was an amaz-
in' crowd of folks there ; the house was chock full
of strangers. Well, there was a gentleman and
lady, one Major Ebenezer Sproul and his wife,
fiboardin' there, that had one child, the most cry-
enest critter I ever seed ; it boohood all night
a' most, and the boarders said it must be sent up to
garret to the helps, for no soul could sleep a'most
for it. Well, most every night Mrs. Sproul had to
go up there to quiet the little varmint, — for it
wouldn't pve over yellin' for no one but her. That
night, in partikilar, the critter screetched and
screamed like Old Scratch ; and at last Mrs. Sproul
slipped on her dressin' gownd, and went up stairs
to it, — and lefl her door ajar, so as not to disturb
her husband acomin' back ; and when she returned,
she pushed the door open softly, and shot it to, and
got into bed. He's asleep, now, says she ; I hope
he won't disturb me ag'in. No, I ain't asleep,
mynheer stranger, says Old Zwicker, a Dutch mar-
chant from Albany, (for she had got into the wrong
room, and got into his bed by mistake,) nor 1 don't
dank you, nor Gineral Beep needer, for puddin*
you into my bed mid me, widout my leave nor
lichense, nor approbation, needer. 1 liksh your place
more better as your company. Oh, I got no gim-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
280 THE CLOCKHAKER.
blet ! Het is jammer, H is a pity 1 Oh dear ! if
ahe didn't let go it's a pity: she kicked md
screamed, and carried on like a ravin' distracted
bed-bug, Totuand teyrels, said he, what ails te
man ? I pelieve he is pewitched. Murder ! mur-
der ! sud she, and she cried out at the very tip
eend of her voice, Murder ! murder I Well,
Zwicker, he jumped out o' bed in an all-fired hurry,
most propo-ly frightened, you may depend ; and
seezin* her dressin' gownd instead of his trousers,
he put his legs into the arms of it, and was arun-
nin' out of the room aholdin' up of the skirts with
his hands, as I came in with the candle. De ferry
teyvil hisself is in te man, and in te trousher too,
said he ; for 1 pelieve te coat has grow'd to it in de
night, it is so tam long. Oh teur, what a pity !
Stop, says I, Mister Zwicker, and 1 pulledMmback
by the gownd ; (I thought I xhould adied alarfin' to
see him in his red night-cap his eyes astartin' out o*
his head, and those short-legged trousers on, for
the sleeves of the dressin' gownd didn't come
further than his knees, with a long tail to 'em.)
Stop, says I, and tell us what all this everlastin'
hubbub is about : who's dead, and what's to pay
now?
All this time Mrs. Sproul lay curled up like a
cat, covered all over in the bed clothes, ayellin' and
ascreamin' like mad ; 'most all the house was ga-
thered there, some ondressed, and some half- dress-
ed — some had sticks and pokers, and some had
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THE WRONG ROOU. 281
swords. Hullo ! says I, who on wrth is makin'
all this touss ? Goten Hymel, said he, old Saydon
himself, I do pelieve ; he came tni de door, and
jumped light into ped, and yelled so load in mine
ear as to deefen my head a'most : pull him out by te
cloven foot, and kill him, tam him ! I had no gim-
blet no more, and he know'd it, and dat is te cause,
and notin' else. Well, the folks got hold of the
dothes, and pulled and hauled away till her head
showed above the sheet. Dear, dear, siud Major
Ebenezer Sproul; — if it ain't Miss Sproul, my wife,
as I am alive ! Why, Mary, dear, what brought
you here ? — what on airth are you adoin' of in Mr.
Zwicker's room here ? I take my oat* she pronght
herself here, said Zwicker, and I peg she take her-
self away ag^in so fast as she came, and more faster
too. What will Vrou Zwicker say to this woman's
tale ? — was te likesh ever heerd afore ) Tear,
tear, put 'tis too pad ! Well, well, says the folks,
who'd athought it ? — such a steady old gentleman
as Mr. Zwicker, — and young Marm Sproul, says
they,— only think of her ! — wn't it horrid ! The
hussy ! says the women house-helps : she's nicely
caught, mn't she ? She's no great things, anyhow,
to take up with that nasty smoky old Dutchman ; it
sarves herright, — it does, the good-for-nothin' jade.
I wouldn^t ahad it happen, says the Major, for fifty
dollars, I vow ; and he walked up and down, and
wrung his bands, and looked streaked enough, you
maydepend : no, norl don'tknow, aaidhe, asl would
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
382 THE CLOCKUAKER.
for ft hundred dollars B'most. Have what happened,
■ays Zwicker ; upon my Tort and honour and sole,
notin' happened, only I had no gimblet Het is
jammer ; it is a pity. I went to see the baby, sfud
Mrs. Sproul, asobbin' ready to kill herself, poor
thing! — and . Well, I don't want, nor have
occasion, nor require a nurse, said Zwicker. — ^And
I mistook the room, said she, and came here
athinkin* it was oum. Couldn't be possible, said
he, to take me for te papy, dat has papys hisself,
—but it was to ruin my character, and name, and
reputation. O Goten Hymel ! what will Vrou
Zwicker say to dis wooman's tale ? but then she
knowd I had no gimblet, she did. Folks snickered
and larfed a good deal, I tell yon ; but they soon
cleared out^ and went to bed ag'in. The story ran
all over Boston like wildfire ; nothin' else a'most
was talked of; and, like most stories, it grew worse
and worse every day. Zwicker returned next
momin* to Albany, and has never been to Boston
unce } and the Sprouls kept dose for some time
and then moved away to the western terntory, I
actilly believe they changed their name, for I
never heerd tell of any one that ever seed them
since.
Mr. Slick, says Zwicker, the momin' he started,
1 have one leetle gimblet ; I always travel with my
leetle gimblet ; take it mid me wherever I go ; and
when I goes to ped, I takes my leetle gimblet out,
and bores wid it over de latch of de toor, and dat
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
TRG WBONG ROOM. 283
listens it, and keeps out de tief and de villain and
de womans. I leiit it to home dat time mid de
old TTou, and it was all because I had no gimblet,
de row, and te noise, and te nimpush wash made.
Tam it ! said he^ Mr. Slick, 'tis no use talkin',
but tere is always te teyril to pay when there is
a woman and no gimblet.
Yes, said the Clockmaker, if they don't mind
the number of the room, they'd better stay away,
— but a littie attention that way cures all. We
are all in a hurry in the States ; we eat in a hurry,
drink in a hurry, and sleep in a hurry. We all go
ahead so fast, it keeps one full spring to keep up
with others ; and one must go it hot foot, if he
wants to pass his neighbours. Now, it is a great
comfort to have your dinner to the minit, as
you do at a boardin' house, when you are in a
hurry, only you must look out sharp arter the
dishes, or you won't get nothin'. Things vanish
like wink. I recollect once when quails first came
in that season : — there was an old chap at Peep's
boardin'-house, that used to take the whole dish
of 'em, empty it on his plate, and gobble 'em up
like a turkeycock, — no one else ever got none.
We were aU a good deal ryled at it, seein' that he
did'nt pay no more for his dinner than us, so I
nick-named him " Old Ctuail," and it cured him ;
he always left half arter that, for a scramb. No
system is quite perfect, squire ; accidents will hap-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THS CLOCKMAKER.
pen in Uie best regulated places, like that of Marm
Sproul'a and Old Qiudl's ; but still there is nothin'
arter all like a boardin'-house, — the only thing is,
keep out of the v^rong room.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XX r.
FINDING A HARB'b NEST.
Halifax, like Xjondon, has its tower also, but
there is this remarkable difference between these
two national structures, the one is designed for
the defenders of the country, and the other for its
o^enders, and that the former is as difficult to be
broken into as the latter (notwithstanding all the
ingenious devices of successive generations from the
days of Julius Cieaar to the time of the school-
master) is to be broken out of. A critical eye
might, perhaps, detect some other, though lesser
2)oints of distinction. This cis-Atlantic martello
tower has a more aristocratic and exclusive air than
its city brother, and its portals are open to none
but those who are attired in the uniform of the
guard, or that of the royal staff; while the other
receives die lowest, the most depraved, and vulgar
of mankind. It is true it has not ike lions, and
other adventitious attractions of the elder one ; but
the original and noble park in which it stands
is plentifully stocked with carriboos, while the
horn work of the latter is at least equal to that of
its ancient rival ; and although it cannot exhibit a
display of Me armour itf the country, its very exist-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
286 THE CLOCKUAKGR.
ence there is concluuve evidence of the amor
pairia. It stands on an eminence that protects
the harbour of Hahfax, and commands that of the
North-west Arm, and is situated at the termination
of a fashionable promenade, which is skirted on one
side by a thick shrubbery, and on the other by the
waters of the harbour ; the former being the resort
of those of both sexes who delight in the impervious
shade of the spruoe, and the latter of those who
prefer swimming, and otheraqoetdc esercises. With
these attractions to the lovers of nature, and a pure
air, it is thronged at all hottrs, but more especially
at day-dawn, by the valetudinarian, the aged, and
infirm, and at the witching hour of moonlight by
those who are yoimg enough to defy the dew and
damp air of night.
To the latter class I have long since ceased to
belong. Old, corpulent, and rheumatic, I am com-
pelled to be careful of a body that is not worth the
trouble that it ^ves me. I no longer indulge in
the dreamy visions of the second nap, for, alas !
non mim guali* eram. I rise early, and take my
constitutional walk to the tower. I had not pro-
ceeded more than half-way this morning, before I
met the Clockmaker returning to town.
Momin', squire, said he ; I suppose you didn't
hear the news, did you i the British packet's in.
Which packet ? said I ; for there are two due,
and great apprehensions are entertiuaed that one
of them is lost. More promotion, then, said he.
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FINDING A mare's NRST. 287
for them navalB that's left: it's an ill wind
that blows nobody any good. Good God ! said
I, Mr. Slick, how can yon talk so unfeelingly
of such an awful catastrophe? Only think of
the misery entailed by such an event upon Fal-
mouth, where most of the oiBcers and crew have
left destitute and distressed fiunilies. Poor crea-
tures, what dreadful tidings awiut them ! Well,
well, said he, I didn't jist altogether mean to
make a joke of it neither ; but your folks know
what they are about ; them coffin ships ain't sent
out for nothin'. Ten of them gunbiigs have
been lost already ; and, depend on it, the English
have their reasons for it — there's no mistake
about it } considerable 'cute chaps them, they can
sec as far into a millstone as them that picks
the hole in it ; if they tlirow a sprat it's to catch a
mackerel, or my name is not Sam Slick. Rea-
son ! I replied, — what reason can there be for con-
signing so many gallant fellows to a violent death
and a watery grave ? What could justify such a
? Ill tell you, said the Clockmaker; it
keeps the natives to home by frightenin' 'em out
of their seven senses. Now, if they had a good
set of liners, them blue-nose tones and radicals
would be for everlastingly abotherin' of govern-
ment with their requests and complaints. Hungry
as hawks them fellers; they'd fairly eat the
minister up without salt, they would. It compels
'em to stay at home, it does. Your folks de-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
288 THE CLOCKHAKER.
Barre credit for that trick, for it answers the pur-
pose rael complete. Yes, you English are pretty
considerable tarnation sharp. Tou wam't bom
yesterday, I tell yon. You are always afindin' out
SQme mare's nest or another. Didn't yon send
out vater-casks and filterin' stones last war to
the/r«sA water lakes to Canada ? Didn't you send
out a frigate there ready built, in pieces ready
numbered and marked, to put together, 'cause
there's no timber in America, nor carpenters
neither ? Didn't you order the Yankee prisoners
to he kept at the fortress of Louisburg, which was
so levelled to the ground fifty years before, that
folks can hardly tell where it stood ? Han't
you squandered more money to Bermuda than
would make a military road from Halifitx to
Quebec, make the Windsor rul-road, and com-
plete the great canal ? Han't you built a dock-
yard there that rots all the cordage and stores as
fast as you send them out there? and han't
you to send these things every year to sell to
Halifax, 'cause there ain't folks enough to Ber-
muda to make an auction ? Don't you send out
a squadron every year of seventy-fours, frigates,
and sloops of war, and most work 'em to death,
sendin' 'em to Bermuda to winter, 'cause it's
warm, and to Halifax to summer, 'cause its
cool ; and to carry freights of doubloons and
dollars from the West Indgies to England 'cause
it pays well ; while the fisheries, coastin' trade,
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FINDING A mare's MEST. 289
and revenue are left to look out for themselves ?
Oh, if JQ11 don't beat all, its a pity 1
Now, what in natur' is the use of them are
great seventy-fours in peace time on that station ?
Half the sum of money one of them are
everlastin' almighty monsters coat would equip a
dozen spankin cutters, commanded by leftenants
in the navy, (and this I will say, though they be
Britishers, a smarter set o' men than they be
never stept in shoe-leather,) and they'd soon
set these matters right in two twcs. Tbem
seventy-fours put me in mind of Black Hawk, the
great Indgian chief, that was to Washin'ton
lately ; he had an alligator tattooed on the back
part of one thigh, and a racoon on t'other, touched
off to the very nines, and as nateral as anythin'
you ever seed in your life; and well he know'd
it too, for he was as proud of it as anythin'.
Well, the president, and a whole raft of senators,
and a considerable of an assortment of most beau-
tiful ladies, went all over the capital with him,
showin' him the great buildins, and public halls,
and curiosities, patents, presents, and what not;
but Black Hawk he took no notice of nothin*
a'most till he came to the picturs of our great
naval and military heroes, and splendid national
victories of our free and enlightened citizens, and
th&n he did stare at : they posed him considerable
— that* s a fact.
Well, warrior, said the president, arubbin' of his
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
390 THE CLOCKH.UCBR.
bands, and asmilin', what do you tliink of tbem ?
Broder, said Black Hawk, them grand, them live,
and breathe, and speak — them great pictures, I tell
you, very great indeed ; but I got better ones, Sfud
he, and he turned round, and stooped down, and
drew up his mantle over his head. Look at that
alligator, broder, said he, and he struck it with his
hand till he made all ring again; and that
racoon behind there; hean't they splendid? Oh,
Lord! if there wam't a shout, it's a pity! The ■
men hawed-hawed right out like thunder, and the
women ran off, and screamed like mad. Did you
ever ! said they. How ondecent ! Mn't it shock-
in'? and then they screamed out ag'in louder than
afore. Oh, dear ! said they, if that nasty, horrid
thing ain't in all the mirrors in the room ! and
they put their pretty little hands up to their dear
little eyes, and raced right out into the street.
The President he stamped, and bit his lip, and
looked as mad as if he could have swallered a wild
cat alive. Cuss him ! sud he, I've half a mind to
kick him into the Potomac, the savage brute ! I
shall never hear the last of this joke. I fairly
thought I should have split to see the conflustri-
gation it put 'em all into. Now, that's jist the
way with your seventy-fours. When the Blue-
noses grumbled that we Yankees smuggle like all
vengeance, and have all the £sheries on the coast
to ourselves, you send 'em out a great seventy-four
with a punted stam for 'em to look at, and it is
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
FINDING A mare's NEST. 291
jist about aa much use as the tattooed stam of
Black Hawk. I hope I may be shot if it ain't
Weli, then, jist see how you —
IVue, said I, glad to put a stop to the enumera-
tion of our blunders, but government have added
some new vessels to the packet line of a very supe-
rior description, and will withdraw the old ones as
soon as possible. Thesechanges are very expensive,
and cannot be effected in a moment. Yes, said he,
so I have heerd tell ; and I have heerd, too, that the -
new ones won't lay to, and the old ones won't scud ;
grand chance in a gale for a feller that, ain't it ?
One tumbles over in the trough of the sea, and the
other has such great solid bulwarks, if she ships a
sea she never gets rid of it but by goin' down.
Oh, you British are up to everytbin' ! it wouldn't
be easy to put a rinkle on your horns, I know.
They will at least, said I, with more pique than
prudence, last as long as the colonies. It is ad-
mitted on all hands now, by Tories, Whigs, and
Radicals, that the time is not far distant when the
provinces will be old enough for independence, and
strong enough to demand it. I am also happy to
say that there is every disposition to yield to their
wishes whenever a majority shall concur in apply-
ing for a separation. It is very questionable whe-
ther the expense of their protection is not greater
than any advantage we derive from them.
That, said the Clockmaker, is what I call, now,
good sound sense. I like to hear you talk that way,
o 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
292 THE CLOCKMAKER.
for it shows yoa pailicipate in the enlightenment
of the age. Arter a]l the expense you have been
to in conquerin', clearin*, settlin', fortifyin', govern-
in*, and protectin' these colonies from the time
they were little miserable, spindlin' seedlins up to
now, when they have grow'd to be considerable
stiff and strong, and of some use, to give 'em up,
and encourage 'em to ax for 'mancipation, is, 1
estimate, thepartofwisemen. Yes, I see you are
wide awake. Let *em go. They are no use to
you. But, I say, squire, — and he tapped me on
the shoulder and winked, — let 'em look out the
next momin' arter they are free for a visit from us.
If we don't put 'em thro' their facins, it's a pity.
Tho' they are no good to you, they are worth a
Jew's eye to us, and have 'em we will, by gum <
You put me in mind of a British parliament-
man that was travelliu' in the States once. I seed
him in a steam-boat on the Ohio, (a'most a grand
river that, squire ; if you were to put all the Eng-
lish rivers into one, you couldn't make its ditto,)
and we went the matter of seven hundred miles
on till it j'ined the Mississippi. As soon as
we turned to go down that river, he stood, and
stared, and scratched his head, like bewildered.
Says he, this is very strange, — very strange indeed,
says he. What's strange ? saidl; but he went on
without hearin'. Its the greatest curosity, said he,
I ever seed, a nateral phenomenon, one of the won-
ders of the world ; and he jumped right up and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
FINDING A mare's NEST. 293
doWQ Eke a ravin' distracted fool. Where is it ?
said he. What the devil has become of it ? If it's
your wit, said I, you are alookin' for, it's gone a
wool-gatherin' more nor half an hoar ago. What
on urth ails you, says I, to make you act so like
Old Scratch that way ? Do for goodness sake,
look here, Mr. Slick ! said he. That immense
river the Ohio, that we have been sailin' upon so
many days, where is it ? Where is it ? said I.
Why, its run into the Mississippi here to be sure j
where else should it be ? or did you think it was like
B snake, that it curled its head onder its own belly,
and run back ag'in ? But, said he, the Mississippi
am't made one inch higher or one inch wider by
it; it don't swell it one mite or morsel; its mar-
vellous, ain't it ? Well, jist afore that, we had been
talkin' about the colonies ; so, says I, I can t^U you
a more marvellous thing than that by a long chalk.
There is Upper Canada and Lower Canada, and
New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia, and Cape Bre-
ton, and Prince Edward's Island, and Newfound-
land — they all belong to the English. Well, said
he, I know that as well as you do. Don't be so
plaguy touchy ! said I, but hear me out. They
all belong to the Enghsh, and there's no two ways
about it; it's the best part of America too ; better
land and better climate than oum, and free from
yaller fevers, and agues, and nigger slaves, and hos-
tile Indgians, and Lynchers, and alligators, and such
like vannint ; and all the trade and commarce of
them colonies, and the supply of '&ctured goods
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
294 THE CLOCKHAKER.
belong to the English too, and yet I defy any livin'
■oul to say he can see that it swells their trade to
be one inch wider, or one inch higher; it's jist a
drop in the bucket. Well, that is strange, said he ;
but it only shows the magnitude of British com-
merce. Yes, says I, it does : it shows another
thing too. What's that, said he. Why, said I, that
thrar commaroe is a plaguy sight deeper than the
shaller pat«d noodles that it belongs to. Do you,
said I, jist take the lead line, and sound the river
jiat below where the Ohio comes into it, and you
will find that, though it tante broader or higher,
it's ttu everlastin' sight deeper than it is above the
jinin' place. It can't be otherwise in natur*.
Now, turn the Ohio, and let it run down to Bal-
timore, and you'd find the Mississippi, mammoth
as it is, a different guess river firom what you now
see it. It wouldn't overrun its banks no more, nor
break the dykes at New Orleens, nor leave the
great Cyprus swamps under water any longer. It
would look pretty streaked in dry weather, I know.
Jist so with the colony trade ; though you can't
see it in the ocean of English trade, yet it is there.
Cut it off, and see the raft of ships you'd have to
spare, and the thousands of seamen you'd have to
emigrate to ua ; and see how white about the gills
Glasgow, and Greenock, and Liverpool, and Man-
chester, and Barmin'ham would look. Cuttin' off
the colonies is like cuttin' off the roots of a tree ;
it's an even chance if it don't blow ri^t slap over
the very first sneeze of wind that comes ; and if it
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
FINDINO A mare's NEST. 295
don't, the leans curl up, turn )raUer and fall off
afore their time. Well, the next spring follerin'
there is about six feet of the top dead, and the tips
of the branches withered, and the leaves only half
size ; and the year arter, unless it sends out new
roots, it's a great leafless trunk, a sight to behold ;
and, if it is strong enough to push out new roots,
it may revive, but it never looks hke itself again.
T^e luxuriance is gone, and gone /or ever.
You got chaps in your parliament that never
seed a colony, and yet get up and talk about *em
by the hour, and look aa wise about 'em as the
monkey that had seen the world.
In America all our farms a'most have what we
call the rough pastur'— that is, a great rough field
^ of a hundred acres or so near the woods, where we
turn in our young cattle, and breedin' mares, and
Colts, and dry cows, and what not, where they take
care of themselves, and the young stock grow up,
and the old stock grow (at. If 3 a grand outlet that
to the/arm, that would be overstocked without it.
We could not do without it nohow. Now, your
colonies are a great field for a redundant popu-
lation, a grand outlet. Ask the K^e-talians what
fixed their flint ? Losin' the overland trade to
India. Ask the folks to Cadiz what put them up
a tree f Loain' the trade to South America. If
that's too hs ofl*, ask the people of Bristol and
Chester what sewed them up ? and they will tell
■yovt, while they was asleep, Liverpool ran off with
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
t9S THP. CLOCKMAKER.
their trade. And if you havn't time to go there ax
the first coachman you get alongude of, vhat he
thinks of the railroads? andjistlisten to the funeral
hymn he'll sing over the turnpikes. When I vaa
to England last, I always did that when I was in a
hurry, and it put coachee into such a passion, he'd
turn to and lick his horses out o' spite into a full
gallop. D— n 'em, he'd say, them that sanctioned
them rwls, to ruin the 'pikes, (get along, yoa
lazy willain, Charley, and he'd lay it into the
wheeler,) they ought to he hanged, sir, {that's the
ticket, and he'd whop the leader,) — yes, sir, to
be hanged, for what is to become of them as lent
their money on the 'pikes ? (wh — ist, crack, cradc
goes the whip) — hanged and quartered they ought
to be. These men ought to be relunemted as well as
the slave-holders ; I wonder, sir, what we shall all
come to yet ? Come to, says I ; why to be a stoker
to be sure ; that what's all you coachmen will eend
in at last, as sure as you are bom. A stoker, sir,
said he, (looking as both'red as if it wor a French
furriner that word,) what the devil is that ! Why,
a stoker, says I, is a critter that draws, and stirs,
and pokes the fire of a steam engin'. I'd sooner
die first, sir, said he; I would, d— m me if I
wouldn't 1 Only think of a man of my age and size
bein' a stoker, sir ; I wouldn't be in the feller's skin
that would propose it to me, for the best shillin'
as ever come out o' the mint. Take that, and that,
and that, he'd say to the off for'ard horse, (alayin
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
HNDING A MARE S NEST. 297
it into him like mad,) and do your own work, you
dishonest rascal. It is fun ahve, yoa may depend.
No, sir, lose your colonies, and you'd have Eye-
talian cities without their climate, £^e-talian laza-
roni without their light hearts to sing over their
poverty, (for the English can't sing a bit better
nor bull-frogs,) and worse than %e-talian erup-
tions and volcanoes in politics, without the gran-
deur and sublimity of those in natur*. Deceive
not yourselves ; if you lop off the branches, the
tree perishes, for the leaves elaborate the sap that
vivifies, nourishes, and supports the trunk. There's
two ways about it, squire : " them who my colo-
ns are no goad, are either fools or knaves ; if they
be foots, they ain't viorth amwerin' ; and if they
are knaves, send them to the treadmill, till they larn
to speak the truth.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XXII.
KKBPINO UP THE BTBAM.
It is painful to think of the blunders that have
been committed from time to time in the man^e-
ment of our colonies, and of the gross ignorance,
or utter disregard of their interests, that has been
displayed in the treaties vith foreign powers. For-
tunately for the mother country, the colonists are
warmly attached to her and her institutions, and
deplore a separation too much to agitate questions,
however important, that may have a tendency to
awaken their a&ections by arousing their passions.
The time, however, has now arrived when the
treatment of adults should supersede that of chil-
dren. Other and nearer, and fur the time, most
important interests, have occupied her attention,
and diverted her thoughts from those distant por-
tions of the empire. Much, therefore, that has
been done may he attributed to want of accurate
information, while it is to be feared much also has
arisen from not duly appreciating their importances.
The government of the provinces has been but too
often entrusted to persons who have been selected,
not so much from their peculiar fitness for the
situation, as with reference to their interest, or
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
KEEPING UP THE STEAM. 299
their claims for reward for past services in other
departments. From persons thus chosen, no very
accurate or useful information can be expected.
This is the more to be regretted, as the resolutions
of the dotiiinant party, either in the house of As-
sembly or Council, are not always to be received
as conclusive evidence of public opinion. They
are sometimes produced by accidental causes,
often by temporary excitement, and frequently by
the intrigue or talents of one man. In the colonies,
the legislature is more often in advance of public
opinion than coerced by it, and the pressure from
uiitkout is sometimes caused by the exdtement
previously eanating iinihin, while in many cases
the people do not participate in the views of their
representatives. Hence the resolutions of one
day are sometimes rescinded the next, and a
subsequent session, or a new house, is found to
hold opinions opposed to those of its predecessor.
To these difficulties in obtaining accurate informa-
tion, may be added the uncertain character of that
arising from private sources. Individuals having
access to the Colonial 0£5ce are not always the
best qualified for consultation, and interest or pre-
judice is but too often found to operate insensibly
even upon those whose sincerity and integrity are
undoubted. As a remedy for these evils it has
been proposed to give the colonies a representa-
tion in parliament, but the measure is attended
with so many objections, and such inherent diffi-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
300 THE CLOCXHAKCR.
culties,tbat it may be considered almost impracti-
able. The only satisfactOTy and efficient prescrip-
tion that pcolitical quackery has hitherto suggested,
appears to be that of a Colonial Council-board,
composed principally, if not wholly, of persons
from the respective provinces ; who, while the
minister changes with the cabinet of the day, shall
remun as permanent members, to inform, advise,
and assist bis successor. None but natives can
fully understand the peculiar feelings of the
colonists. The advantages to be derived ivom such
a board are too obvious to be enlai^ed upon, and
will readily occur to any one at alt conversant
with these subjects ; for it is a matter of notoriety,
that a correspondence may be commenced by one
minister, continued by a second, and terminated
by a third, so rapid have sometimes been tbe
changes in this department. It is not my business,
however, to suggest, (and I heartily rejoice that it
is not, for I am no projector.) but simply to record
the sayings and doings of that eccentric personage,
Mr. Samuel Stick, to whom it is now high time to
return.
You object, said I, to tbe present line of govern-
ment packets running between Falmouth and
Halifax (and I must say not without reason) :
pray what do you propose to substitute in their
places ? Well, I don't know, said he, as I jist
altogether ought to blart out all I think about it.
Our folks mighn*t be over half pleased with me for
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
KKEHNG UP THE STEAM. 301
the hint, for our New York liners have the whole
run of the passengers now, and plaguy^ proud our
folks be of it, too, I tell you. Lord ! if it was to
leake out it was me that put you up to it, I should
have to gallop through the country when I re-
turned home, as Head did — you know Head the
author, don't you ? There are several gentlemen
of that name, I replied, who have distinguished
themselves as authors : pray which do you mean ?
Well, I don't know, said he, as I can jist alto-
gether indicate the identical man I mean, but I
calculate it's him that galloped the wild horses in
the Pampas a hundred miles a day hand runnin',
day in and day out, on beef tea made of hung beef
and cold water ; — if s the gallopin' one I mean ;
he is Governor to Canada now, I believe. You
know in that are book he wrote on gallopin',
he says, " The greatest luxury in all natur' is
to ride without trousers on a horse without
a saddle," — what we call bare-breeched and
bare-backed. (Oh Lord ! I wonder he didn't
die alarfin', I do, I vow. Them great thistles that
he says grow in the Pampas as high as a human
head, must have tickled a man a'most to death that
rode that way.) Well, now, if I was to tell you
how to work it, I should have to ride armed, as he
was in his travels, with two pair of detonatin' pistols
and a double-barrelled gun, and when I seed a
guacho of a New Yorker a-comin', clap the reins in
my mouth, set off at a iull gallop, pint a pistol
D,g,t,;oflb,GoogIe
302 THE CLOCKHAKER.
at him with each hand ; or else I'd have to lasso
him, — that's sartin, — for thejr'd make traTelUn' in
that state too hot for me to wear breeches I know,
I'd have to off with them full chisel, and go it bare-
backed,— that's as clear as mud. I believe Sir
Francis Head is no great favourite, I replied, with
your countrymen, but he is very popular with the
colonist, and very deservedly so. He is an able
and efficient governor, and possesses the entire
confidence of the provinces. He is placed in a
very difficult situation, and appears to display great
tact and great talent. Well, well, stud he, let that
pass; I won't say he don't, though I wish he
wouldn't talk so much ag'in us as he does anyhow ;
but will you promise you won't let on it was me
now if I tell you ? Certainly, said I, your name
shall be concealed. Well, then. 111 tell you, said
he ; turn your attention to steam navigation to
Halifax. Steam will half ruin England yet, if they
don't mind. It will drain it of its money, drain it
of its population, and — what's more than all — what
it can spare least of all, and what it will feel more
nor all, its artisans, its skilful workmen, and its
honest, intelligent, and respectable middle classes.
It will leave you nothin* in time but your aristocracy
and your poor. A trip to Ameijca is goin' to be
nothin' more than a trip to France, and folks will
go where land is cheap and labour high. It will
build the new world up, but it will drain the old
one out in a way no one thinks on. Turn this tide
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
KEKPINQ UP THE STEAM. SOS
of emigi&tioD to your own provinces, or aa sure as
e^s is eggs we will get it alL You han't no notion
what steam is destined to do for America. It will
make it look as bright as a pewter button yet, I
know.
The distance, as I make it, from Bristol to New
York Lighthouse, is 303? miles ; from Bristol to
Halifax Light-house is 2479 ; from Halifax Light
to New York Light is 522 miles,— in all,3001 miles;
558 miles shorter than New York line: and even
going to New York, 36 miles shorter to stop to
Halifax than go to New York direct. I fix on
Bristol 'cause if s a better port for the purpose than
Liverpool, and the new railroad will be jist the
dandy for you. But them great, fat, porter-drinkin'
critters of Bristol have been asnorin' fast asleep for
half a century, and only jist got one eye open now.
I'm most afeerd they will turn over, and take the
second nap, and if they do they are done for — that's
a fact. Now you take the chart and work it your-
self, squire, for I'm no great hand at navigation.
I've been a whaling voyage, and a few other sea-
trips, and I know a little about it, but not much,
and yet, if I ain't pretty considerable near the
mark, I'll give them leave to guess that knows
better — that's all. Get you legislatur' to persuade
government to contract with the Great Western
folks to carry the mail, and drop it in their way to
New York ; for you got as much and as good coai
to Nova Scotia as England has, and the steam-boats
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
SIM THE CLOCKUAKER.
would have to carry a supply for 550 miles less, and
could take in a stock at Haliiax for the return
TOjage to Europe. If minuters won't do that, get
*em to send steam-packets of their own, and you
wouldn't be no longer an ererlastiii* outlandish
country no more as you be now. And, more nor
that, you wouldn't lose all the best emigrants and
all their capital, who now go to the States 'cause
the voyage is safer, and remain there 'cause they
are tired of travelUn*, and can't get down here
without risk of their precious necks and ugly
mugs.
But John Bull is hke all other sponsible folks ;
he thinks 'cause he is nch he is wise too, and
knows everythin', when in fact he knows plaguy
little outside of his own location. Like all other
consaited folks, too, he don't allow nobody else to
know nothin* neither but himself. The Byetalian
is too lazy, the French too smirky, the Spaniard too
banditti, the Duteh too smoky, the German too
dreamy ,'the Scoteh too itchy, the Irish too popey,
and the Yankee too tricky j all low, all ignorant, all
poor. He thinks the noblest work of God an
EnglishTaa.n. He is on considerable good tarms
with himself, too, is John Bull, when he has his go-
to-meetin' clothes on, his gold-headed cane in his
hand, and his puss buttoned up tight in his trousers
pocket. He wears his hat a little a one side,
rakish-like, whaps his cane down agin the pave-
ment hard, as if he intended to keep things in their
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
KEEPING UP THE STEAM. 305
place, swaggers a fevr, as if he thought he had a
right to look big, and stares at you full and bard in
the face, with a knowin' toss of his head, as much
aa to say, " Teal's me, damn you" and who you
be I don't know, and what* s more, I don't want to
know ; so clear the road double quick, will you ?
Yes, take John at his own valiation, and I guess
you'd get a considerable hard bargain of bim, for be
is old, thick in the wind, tender in the foot, weak
in the knees, too cussed fat to travel, and plaguy
■ cross-grained and ill-tempered. If you go for to
raise your voice at him, or even so much as lay the
weight of your finger on bim, bis Ebenezer is up
in a minif . I don't like him one bit, and I don't
know who the plague does : but that's neither here
nor there.
Do you get your legislator' to interfere in this
matter, for steam navigation will be the makin' of
you if you work it right. It is easy, I repHed, to
su^;est, but not quite so easy, Mr. Slick, as you
suppose, to have these projects carried into execu-
tion. Government may not be willing to permit
the mail to be carried by contract. Permit it !
siud be, with great animation ; to be sure it will
permit it. Don't they grant everything you ask ?
don't they concede one thing arter another to you
to keep you quiet, till they ain't got much left to
concede ? It puts me in mind of a missionary I
once seed down to Bows and Arrows (Buenos
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
S0€ THE CLOCKMAKER.
Ayres.) He ventonttoconvartthepeoi^efirorabeiii'
Roman Catholics, and to persuade the Spaniards
to pray in Eti^sh instead of linlin, and to get dipt
anew hy him, and he carried sway there like a hoUse
a fire, till the sharkB one day made a tarnation sly
dash among his convarta that was awadin' out in
the wat«r, and jist walked off with three on 'em by
the legs, Bcreamiu' and yelpin' like mad. Arterthat
he took to a pond outside the town, and one day,
as he was awalkin' out with his hands behind him,
tuneditatin' on that are profane trick the sharks
phtyed him, and what a slippery world this was, and
what not, who should he meet buta party of them
Guachos, that galloped up to him as quick as wink,
and made him prisoner. Well, theyjist fell to, and
not only robbed hir" of aU he had, but stripped him
of all his clothes but his breeches, and them they
left him for decency sake to get back to town in.
Poor critter I he felt streaked enough, I do assure
you ; he was near about fiightened out of his seven
senses ; he didn't know whether he was standin' on
his head or his heels, and was e'en a' most sure they
were agoin' to murder him. So, said he, my be-
loved friends, said he, I beseech you, is there any-
thin' more you want of me ? Do we want anythin'
more of you? says they ; why, you han't got nothin'
left but your breeches, you nasty, dirty, blackguard
heretic you, and do you want to part with them too?
and they jist fell to and welted him all the way into
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
KEEPING DP THE STEAM. 307
the town with the tip eend of their lassos, larfin'
and hoopin', and hollerin' at the joke like so many
ravin distracted devils.
Well, now, your government is near abont as well
off as the missionary was ; they've granted every-
thin' they had almost, till they han't got much
more than the breeches left — ^the mere sovereignty,
and that's all. No, no ; jist you ask for steam-
packets, and you'll get 'em — that's a fact. Oh,
squire, if John Bull only knew the valy of these
colonies, he would be a great man, I tell you-, but
he don't. You can't make an account of 'em in
dollars and cents, the cost on one side, and the
profit on t'other, and strike the balance of the
" tottk of the hull," as that are crittur' Hume calls
it. You can't put into figure a nursery for sea-
men ; a resource for timber if the Baltic is shot
ag'in you, or a population of brave and loyal peo-
ple, a growin and sure market, an outlet for emi-
gration, the first fishery in the world, their political
and relative importance, the power they would give
a rival, convartin' a friend into a foe, or a customer
into a rival, or a shop fiill of goods, and no sale for
'em-~Figwre» are the representiUives of numbers^
and not things. Molesworth may talk, and Hume
may cypher, till one on 'em is as hoarse as a crow,
and t'other as blind as a bat, and they won't make
that table out, I know.
That's all very true, I said, but you forget that
the latter genUeman says that America is now a
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
300 THE CLOCKMAKER.
better customer than when she was a colony, and
maintains her own government at her own expense,
and therefore he infers that the remMnin" dependen-
cies are useless incumbrances. And he forgets too,
he replied, that he made his fortin' himself in a
colony, and therefore it don't become him to say so,
and that America is lamin' to sell as well as to buy,
and to manufectur* as well as to import, and to hate
as much, and a little grain more, than she
loved, and that you are weaker by all her strength.
He forgets, too, that them that separate from a
government, or secede from a church, always hate
those they leave much worse than those who are
bom in different states or different sects. It's a
lact, I Kisure you, those critturs that desarted our
church to Slickville in temper that time about the
choice of an elder, was the only ones that hated,
and reviled, and parsecuted us in all Connecticut,
for we were on friendly or neutral terms with all
the rest. Keep a sharp look-out always for di-
sarters, for when they jine the enemy they light like
the devil. No one hates like him that has once
been a friend. He foists that a but it's no
use atalkin' ; you might as well whistle jigs to a
milestone as talk to a goney that says fifteen mil-
lions of inimies are as good as fifteen millions of
friends, unless indeed it is with nations as with
individuals, that it is better to have some folks ag'in
you than for you, for I vow there are chaps in your
parliament that ain't no credit to no party.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
KEEPING UP THE STEAM. 309
But this folly of John Bull ain't the worst of it,
squire ; ifs considerable more silly; he itwitea the
colonists to fight his own troops, and then pays all
the expense of the entertainment. If that don*t
beat cock-fightin', it's a pity j it fairly bangs the
bush, that. If there's a rebellion to Canada, squire,
(and there will be as sure as there are snakes in Var-
giny] it will be planned, advised, and sot on foot
in London, you may depend ; for them simple
critturs, the French, would never think of it, if they
were not put up to it. Them that advise Papinor
to rebel, and set his folks to murder Englishmen,
and promise to back them in England, are for ever-
lastin'lyatalkin' of economy, and yet instigate them
parley vous to put the nation to more expence than
they and their party ever saved by all their barking
in their life, or ever could, if they were to live as
long as Merusalem. If them poor Frenchmen
rebel, jist pardon them right off the reel without
sayin' a word, for they don't know nothin', but rig
up a gallus in London as high as a church steeple,
and I'll give yon the names of a few villains there,
the cause of all the murders and arsons, and rob-
beries and miseries, and sufferins that'll foUer.
Jist take 'em and string 'em up like onsafe dogs. A
crittur that throws a firebrand among combustibles,
must answer for the fire ; and when he throws it
into his neighbour's house, and not his own, he is
both a coward and a villain. Cuss 'em I hanging
is too good for 'em, I say ; don't you, squire ?
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
S10 THE CLOCKMAKBR.
ThU was the last conversation 1 had with the
Clockmaker on politics. I have endeavoured to
give bis remarks in his own language, and as nearly
verbatim as I could ; but tbey were so desultory
and discursive, that they rather resembled thinking
aloud than a connected conversation, and his illus-
trations often led him into such lung episodes, that
he sometimes wandered into new topics before he
hod closed his remarks upon the subject he was
discoursing on. It is, I believe, not an uncommon
mode with Americans, when they talk, to amuse
rather than convince. Although there is evidently
some exaggeration, there is also a great deal of
truth in his observations. They are the result of
long experience, and a thorough and intimate
knowledge of the provinces, and I confess I think
they are entitled to great we^ht.
The bane of the colonies, as of England, it ap-
pears to me, is ultra o^nnions. The cia-Atlantic
ultra tory, is a nondescript animal, as wdl as the
ultra radical. Neither have tbe same objects or the
same prindples with those in the mother country,
whose names they assume. It is difficult to say
which does most injury. The violence of the
radical defeats his own views ; the violence of his
opponent defeats those of the government, while
both incite each other to greater extremes. It is
not easy to define the principles of either of these
ultra political parties in the colonies. An unna-
tural, and, it would appear, a personal, and
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
KEEHNG UP THE STEAH. 311
ther^ore a contemptible jealously, influences the
one, and a ridiculoua assumption the other,
the smallest possible amount of salary being
held as sufficient for a pubUc officer by the
former, and the greater part of the rerenues in-
adequate for the purpose by the latter, while pa-
triotism and loyalty are severally clamed as the
exclusive attributes of each. As usual, extremes
meet, the same emptiness distinguishes both, the
same loud professions, the same violent invectives,
and the same selfishness. They are carnivorous
animals, having a strong appetite to devour their
enemies, and occasionally showing do repugnance
to sacrifice a friend. Amidst the clamours of th^se
noisy disputants, the voice of the thinking and
moderate portion of the community is drowned,and
government but too often seems to forget the exist-
ence of this more numerous, more respectable, and
more valuable class. He who adopts extreme
radical doctrines in order to carry numbers by flat-
tering tlieir prejudices, or he who assumes the tone
of the ultra tory of England, because he imagines it
to be that of the aristocracy of that country, and
more current among those of the little colonial
courts, betrays at once a want of sense and a want
of integrity, and should be treated accordingly by
those who are sent to administer the government.
There is as little safety in the councils of those who,
seeing no defect in the insritu^ons of their country,
or desiring nochangebeyondan extension of patron-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
312 THE CLOCKMAKER.
nffi and salary, stigmatise all who differ from them
as discontented and disloyal, as there is in a party
that call for organic changes in the constitution,
for the mere purpose of supplanting their rivals, hy
opening new sources of preferment for themselves.
Instead of committing himself into the hands of
either of these factions, as is often the case, and
thereby at once inviting and defying the opposition
of the other, a governor should be instructed to
avoid them both, and to assemble around him for
council those only who partake not of the selfish-
ness of the one, or the violence of the other, but
who, uniting firmness with moderation, are not
afrtud to redress a grievance because it involves a
change, or to uphold the established institutions of
the country, because it exposes them to the charge
of corrupt motives. Such men exist in every co-
tony; and though a governor may not find them
the most prominent, he will at least find them the
surest and safest guides in the end. Such a course
of policy will soften the asperities of party by
stripping it of success, will rally round the local
governments men of property, integrity, and talent;
and inspire, by its impartiality, moderation, and
consistency, a feeling of satisfaction and confidence
through the whole population.
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
CHAPTER XXIII.
TBB CLOCKUAKBr'h PABTINQ ADVICE.
Having now fulfilled his engagement with me,
Mr. Slick informed me that business required his
presence at the river Philip, and that, as he could
delay his departure no longer, he had called for the
purpose of taking leave. I am plaguy loth to part
with you, said he, you may depend ; it makes me
feel quite lonesum' like : but I ain't quite certified
we shan't have a tower in Europe yet afore we've
done. You have a pwr of pistols, squire, — as neat
a little pair of sneezers as I e'en a'most ever
seed, and They are yours, I said ; I am giad
you like them, and I assure you you could not gra-
tify me more than by doing me the favour to accept
them. That's jist what I was agoin' to say, said
he, and I brought my rifle here to ax you to ex-
change for 'em ; it will sometimes put you in mind
of Sam Slick the Clockmaker, and them are little
pistols are such grand pocket companions, there
won't be a day a'moat I won't think of the squire.
He then examined the lock of the rifle, turned it
over, and looked at the stock, and, bringing it to
Sis shoulder, run his eye along the barrel, as ifin
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
314 THE CI.OCKHAKER.
the act of dischar^ng it. True as a hiur, squirej
there can't be no better; — and there's the mould
ibr the balls that jist fit her; you may depend on
her to a sartainty : she'll never deceive you ; there's
no mistake in a rael right down genuuwie good
Kentuck, I tell you : but as you ain't much used
to 'em, always bring her slowly up to the line of
sight, and then let go as soon as you have the
range. If you bring her down to the ^ght instead
of up, she'U be apt to settle a little below it in
your bands, and carry low. That wrinkle is worth
bavin,' I tell you ; that's a fact. Take time, ele-
vate her slowly, so as to catch the range to a bur,
and youll hit a dollar at seventy yards hard runnin*.
I can take the eye of a squirrel out with her as easy
ai kiss my hand. A fiur exchange is no robbery .
anyhow, and I shall set great store by them are
pistols, you may depend.
Havin' finished that are little trade, squire, there
is another small matter I want to talk over with you
afore I quit, that perhaps it would be as well you
and 1 onderstand each other upon. What is that ?
I said. Why, the last time, squire, said he, I tra-
velled with you, you published ourtowerinabook,
and there were some notions in it gave me a plaguy
sight of. oneasiness ; that's a fact. Some things
you coloured so, I didn't know 'em when I seed
'em again ; some things you left out holus bolus,
and there were some small matters I never heerd
tell of afore till I seed them writ down ; you must
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THE CLOCKMAKER's PARTING ADVICE. 315
have made them out of whole cloth. When I
went home to see about the stock I had in the
Slickville bank, folks scolded a good deal about it.
They said it wam't the part of a good citizen for
I to go to publish anythin' to lessen our great nation
in the eyts of foreigners, or to lower the exalted
st^^on we had among the nations of the airth.
■fhey said the dignity of the American people was
at stake, and tbey were detarmined some o' these
days to go to war with the EngUsh if they didn't
give up some o' their writers to be punished by our
laws ; and that if any of our citizens was accessory
to such practices, and they cotched him, they'd give
him an American jacket, that is, a. warp of tar, and
a nap wove of feathers. I don't feel therefore alto-
gether easy 'bout your new book ; I should like to
see it afore we part, to soften down things a little,
and to have matters sot to rights, afore the slang-
whangers get hold of it.
I think, too, atween you and me, you had ought
to let me go sheers in the speck, for I have suffered
considerable by it. The clock trade is done now
in this province ; there's an eend to that ; you've
put a toggle into that chain ; you couldn't give 'em
away now a'most. Our folks are not over and
above well pleased with me, I do assure you; and
the Blue-noses say I have dealt considerable hard
with them. They are plaguy ryled, you may de-
pend ; and the English have come in for their
share of the curryin* too. I han't made many friends
p 2
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
316 THE CLOCKUAKER.
by it, I know; and if there is any thin' to be made
out of the consarn, I think it no more than feir I
should have my shore of it. One thing, however,
I hope you will promise me, and that is to show me
the manuscript afore you let it go out of yourhands. _
Certainly, sud I, Mr. Slick, I shall have great
pteaaure in reading it over to you hefore it goes to
the press j and if there is anything in it that will
compromise you with your countrymen, or injure
your feelings, I will strike out the objectionable
passage, or soften it down to meet your wishes.
Well, said he, that's pretty ; now I like th&t } and
if you take a fancy to travel in the States, or to
take a tower in Europe, I'm your man. Send me
a line to Slickville, and I'll jine you where you like
and when you like. I shall be to Halifax in a
month from the present time, and will call and see
you ; p'r'apB you will have the hook ready then : —
and presenting me with his ride, and putting the
pistols in his pocket, he took leave of me and drove
into the country.
Fortunately, when he arrived, I had the manu-
script completed ; and when I had finished reading
it to him, he deliberately lit his cigar, and folding
his arms, and throwing himself back in his chair,
which he balanced on two legs, he said, I presume
I may ax wbatis your object in writing that book ?
You don't like republics, that's sartin, for you have
coloured matters so, it's easy to see which way the
cat jumps. Do you mean to write a satire on our
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE CLOCKMAKER'S PARTING ADVICE. 317
great nation, and our free and enlightened citizens ?
— because if you do, jiat rub my name out of it, if
you please. I'll have neither art nor part in it; I
won't have nothin' to do with it on no account.
It's a dirty bird that fouls its own nest. I'm not
agoin' for to wake up a swarm of hornets about
my ears, I tell you j I know a trick worth two o'
that, 1 reckon. Is it to sarve a particular purpose,
or is it a mere tradin' speck ? I will tell you can-
didly, sir, what my object is, I replied. In the
Canadas there is a party advocating republican
inalutations, and hostility to everything British.
In doing so, they exa^erate all the advantages of
such a form of government, ani depreciate the
blessings of a limited monarchy. In England
this party unfortunately finds too many sup-
porters, either from a misapprehension of the true
state of the case, or from a participation in their,
treasonable views. The sketches contained in
the present and preceding aeries of the Clock-
maker, it is hoped, will throw some light on the
topics of the day, as connected with the designs of
the anti-English party. The object is purely pa-
triotic. I beg of you to be assured that 1 have no
intention whatever to ridicule your institutions or
your countrymen; nothing can be further from my
thoughts ; and it would give me great pain if I
could suppose for a moment that any person could
put such an interpretation upon my conduct. I
like your country, and am proud to number many
D,g,t,i^flb,GoogIe
318 THE CLOCKHAKER.
citizens of the United Stat«s among those whom 1
honour and love. It is contentment with our own,
and not disparagement of your institutions, that I
am desirous of impressing upon the minds of my
countrymen. Right, said he ; I see it as plain as
a hoot-jack ; it's no more than your duty. But
the book does beat all — thafs a fact. There's
more fiction in this than t'other one, and there
are many things in it that I don't know exactly
what to say to. 1 guess you had better add the
words to the title-page, " a work of fiction," and
that will clear me, or you must put your name to
it. You needn't be ashamed of it, I tell you. It's a
better hook tlian t'other one ; it ain't jist alt(^ether
so local, and it goes a little grain deeper into things.
If you work it right, you will make your fortin'
out of it i it will make a man of you, you may de-
pend. How so ? said 1 ; for the last volume, all
the remuneration I had was the satisfaction of find-
ing it had done some good among those for whose
benefit it was designed, and I have no other expec-
tation irom this work. More fool you, then, said
he ; but I'll tell you how to work it. Do you get
a copy of it done off on a most beautiful paper,
with a most an elegant bindln', all covered over the
back with gildin', (I'll gild it for you myself com-
plete, and charge you nothin' but the price of the
gold leaf, and that a mere trifle ; it only costs the
matter of two shillings and sixpence a paper, or
thereabouts,) and send it to the head minister of
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THE CLOCKMAKUR's PARTING ADVICE. 319
the Colonies with a letter. Says you, luinister,
says you, here's a work that will open your eyes
a bit; it will give you considerable informa-
tion on American mattersi, and that's a thing, 1
guess, none on you know a bit too much on. You
han't heerd so much truth, nor seen so pretty a
book, this one while, I know. It gives the Yan-
kees a considerable of a hacklin', and that ought
to please you ; it shampoos the English, and that
ought to please the Yankees ; and it does make a
proper fool of Blue-nose, and that ought to please
you both, because it shows it's a considerable of an
impartial work. Now, says you, minister, it's not
altogether considered a very profitable trade to
work for notliin' and find thread. An author can't
live upon nothin' but air, like a cameleon, though
be can change colour as often as that little crittur
does. This work has done a good deal of good.
It has made more people hear of Nova Scotia than
ever heerd tell of it afore by a long chalk : it has
given it a character in the world it never had afore,
and raised the valy of rael property there consider-
able i it has shown the world that all the Blue-
noses there ain't fools, at any rate ; and, though I
say it that shouldn't say it, that there is one gen-
tleman there that shall be nameless that's cut his
eye-teeth, anyhow. The natives are considerable
proud of him : and if you want to make an impar-
tial deal, to tie the Nova Scotians to you for ever,
to make your own name descend to posterity with
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
320 THE CLOCKHAKER.
honour, and to prevent the inhabitants from ever
thinkin' of Yankee connexion, (mind that hint,
saj' a good deal about that : for it's a tender point
that, adjoinin' of our union, and fear is plaguy sight
stronger than love any time,) you'll jist sarve him
as you sarved YmI Mulgrave (though his writins
ain't to be compared to the Clockmaker, no more
than chalk is to cheese) ; you gave him the gover*
norship of Jamaica, and arterwards of Ireland.
John Russell's writins got him the berth of the
leader in the House of Commons. Well, Francis
Head, for his writins you made him Governor of
Canada, and Walter Scott you made a baronet of,
and Bulwer you did for too, and a great many
others you have got the other side of the water you
sarved the same way. Now, minister, &ir play is
a jewel, says you ; if you can reward your writers
to home with governorships and baronetcies, and
all sorts o' snug things, let's have a taste o' the
good things this side o' the water too. You needn't
be afraid o' bein' too often troubled that way by
authors from this country. (It will make him larf
that, and there's many a true word said in joke] ;
but we've got a sweet tooth here as well as you
have. Poor pickins in this country, and colonists
are as hungry as hawks. The Yankee made
Washington Irvin' a minister plenipo', to honour
him ; and Blackwood, last November, in his maga-
zine, says that are Yankee's books ain't fit to be
named in the same day with the Clockmaker — that
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THE CLOCKMAKER's PARTING ADVICE. 321
they're nothin' but Jeremiads. Now, though
Blackwood desarres to be well lacked for his
politics, (mind and say that, for he abuses the
ministry sky-high that feller — I wouldn't take that
crittur's sarse, if I was them, for nothin' a'most —
he raelly does blow tbem up in great style,) he
ain't a bad judge of books — at least it don't be-
come me to say so ; and if he don't know much
about 'em, I do ; I wont turn my back on any
one in that line. So, minister, says you, jist Up a
stave to the Governor of Nova Scotia, order him
to inquire out the author, and to tell that man,
that distinguished man, that her Majesty delights
to reward merit and honour talent, and that if he
will come home, she'll make a man of him
for ever, for the sake of her royal father, who
lived so long among the Blue-noses, who can't
forget him very soon. Don't threaten him ; for
I've often obsarred, if you go for to ^reaten John
Bull, be jist squares off to fight without sayin'
of a word ; but give him a hint. Says you, I had
a peacock, and a dreadful pretty bird he was, and
a most a beautiful splendid long tail he had too ;
well, whenever I took the pan o' crumbs out
into the poultry yard to feed the fowb, the nasty
stingy critter never would let any of 'em have a
crumb till he sarved himself and hia sweetheart
first. Our old Muscovy drake, he didn't think
this a fair deal at all, and he used to go awalkin'
round and round the pan ever so often, alongin'
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
322 THE CLOCKMAKER.
to get a dip into it ; but peacock he always flew
at him and drove him off. Well, what does drake
do, {for he thought he wouldn't threaten him,
for fear of gettin' a thrashin'] but he goes round
and seizes him by the tail, and pulls him head
over heels, and drags him all over the yard till
he pulls every one of his great, long, beauti-
ful feathers out, and made a most proper looldn'
fool of biro — that's a fact. It made peacock as
civil as you please for ever after. Now, says you,
Mr. Slick and I talk of goin' to England nest
year, and writin' a book about the British : if I
ain't allowed to get at the pan of crumbs, along
with some o' them big birds with the long tails,
and get my share of 'em, some folks had better
look out for squalls : if Clockmaker gets hold of
'em by the tail, if be don't make the feathers fly,
it's a pity. A joke is a joke, but, I guess they'll
find that no joke. A nod is as good as a wink to
a blind horse ; so come down handsum', minister,
or look to your tails, I tell you, for there's a keel-
hauhn' in store for some of you that shall be name-
less, as sure as you are bom.
Now, squire, do that, and see if they don't send
you out governor of some colony or another ; and if
they do, jist moke me your deputy secretary, —
that's a good man, — and we'll write books till we
write ourselves up to the very tip-top of the lad-
der — we will, by gum ! Ah ! my friend, said I,
writing a book is no such great rarity in England
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
THE CI-OCKMAKER's PARTING ADVICE. 323
as it is in America, I assure you ; and colonies
would soon be wanting, if every author were to be
made a governor. It's a rarity in the colonies,
though, said he; and I should like to know how
many governors there liave been who could write
the two Clockmakers. Why, they never had one
that could do it to save his soulalive. Come, come,
Mr. Slick, said I, no soft sawder, if you please, to
me. I have no objections to record your jokes
upon others, but I do not desire to be made the
subject of one myself. I am not quite such a
simpleton as not to know that a man may write
a book, and yet not be fit for a governor. Some
books, said he, such as I could name ; but this I
will say and maintain to my dyin' day, that a man
that knows all that's set down in the Clock-
maker's, (and it ain't probable he emptied the
whole bag out — there must be considerable
siftins left in it yet,) is fit for governor of any
place in the univarsal world. I doubt if even Mr.
Van Buron himself, (the prettiest penman atween
the poles) could do it. Let 'em jist take you up
by the heels and shake you, and see if as much
more don't come out.
If you really are in earnest, I said, all I can say
is, that you very much over-rate it. You think
favtiurably of the work, because you are kind
enough to think farourably of the author. All this
is very well as a joke ; but I assure you they would
not even condescend to answer such a communica-
D,g,t,ioflb,GoogIe
324 THE CLOCKHAKEB.
lion at the Colonial Office : they would set such a
letter down as the ravings of insanity — as one of
the innumerable' instances that are constantly
occurring of the vanity and folly of authors.
Don't you believe it, said he ; and if you don't send
it, I hope I may be shot if I don't. 1*11 send it
through our minister at the Court of St. James's.
Hell do it with pleasure ; he'll feel proud of it
as an American production — as a rival to Pick-
wick Papers, as the American Boz ; he will, I vow.
That's jist exactly what you are fit for — I've got it
—I've got it now ; you shall be ambassador to our
court to Waahinton. The knowledge I have given
youof America, American politics, American cha-
racter, and American feelin*, has jist fitted you for
it. It's a grand birth that, and private secretary
will suit me to a notch. I can do your writin', and
plenty o' time to spare to spekilate in cotton, nig-
gers, and tobacco too. Thafs it — that's the dandy !
And be jumped up, snapped bis fingers, and skip-
ped about the fioor in a most extraordinary man-
ner. Here, waiter, d^n your eyes (for I must
larn to swear — the English all swear like troopers ;
the French call 'em Mountshear G — d d — ns;)
here, waiter, tell his Excellency the British minis-
ter to the court of the American people, (thafs you,
squire, said he, and he made a scrape of his leg,)
that Mr. Secretary Slick is waitin*. Come, bear a
hand, rat you, and stir your stumps, and mind the
title, do you hear,— Mr. Secretary Slick. I have
D,g,t,ioflb,GoOglc
THF. CLOCKHAKER'S PARTING ADVICE. 325
the honour to wish your Excellency, said he, vith
the only bow I ever saw him perpetrate, and a
very hearty shake of the hands — 1 have the
honour to wish your Excellency good night and
good bye.
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